And now it's time to get back to our previously featured programming, Guy Walking into a Forest (which is in no way associated with Into the Woods, © Disney).

Luigi: This came out first.

Author: Darn right it did, this ancient thing is from all the way back in 2001! A Space Odyssey!

Luigi: I hardly see how this is a space odyssey.

Author: Just you wait.

So after a bunch of flashbacks, which happened before this, we return again back to the dark forest we started with (but not chronologically).
...
"Into the woods, who knows what may be lurking on the journey?" Luigi sang aloud to himself quietly, looking back and forth with unease. "Into the woods...!"
Now, hopefully you already know what Luigi looks like, so I'm not gonna bother describing for you here. (If you don't I've got another lecture on the importance of pop culture prepared.)
"Into the woods, to find a house, to Mario who is there no doubt. I hate to go, to dare find out, what's hiding in these woods about!... AAHHHHHHH!!"

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Screaming like Spongebob, he jumped so high that he hit a naked tree branch and crashed to the ground.

Luigi: As if I wasn't already uneasy enough, now I'm surrounded by naked things.

There on the path in front of him was a tiny gray mouse. It looked at him and stared like something had attached itself to Luigi's face.
"It's called a mustache," he whispered to it.
The mouse shook his head. "Why do you scream and jump and sing, here in the woods and disaster bring?"
Luigi opened his mouth to reply. You are probably thinking that he was going to a), scream again, or b), question the literacy of the mouse.
Well you should've picked option c), start singing.
"What is this disaster that you speak, I bring to the woods dark and bleak?"
"Oh traveler dressed in green beware! A foul curse I sense in there!" The mouse gestured to the dark gloomy path ahead that clearly had 'moldy mushrooms' written all over it.

Luigi: MOLDY MUSHROOMS!! *starts hyperventilating*

Author: Luigi, calm down, get into the story!

"But how could you, oh mouse of gray, tell what evil's in the way?"
"Don't question me, you lanky twit! Nintendo's behind all the wit! And if you had even half of it you'd have had the thought to read the script!" And with that the mouse stood up on its hind legs, fixed him with big, soulless eyes, and backed unblinkingly out of the clearing.
Luigi glanced around uneasily. "But I did read the script!... well, some of it."
Pulling out a paper and flashlight from his infinitely deep pockets of holding, he held them up to see.
"See here's the map I got today, sent in the mail to guide my way!"
Starting hesitantly down the path, he soon spotted a handful of crows perched on one of the overhanging dead branches, having small talk.
"So, ugly weather we've been having, huh?" asked one.
"Absolutely dreadful, I know!" Agreed another.
"Isn't it wonderful?" sighed the third.
"Excuse me, birds, could you tell me if there's a big... nice... house in the vicinity?" Luigi called up timidly.
They all stopped and stared down at him for 6.84 seconds straight without blinking. When the intimidation had reached maximum levels, the first crow shook his head.
"Nope, no nice houses around here, mortal," he replied.
Luigi gulped. "Mortal?"
"Yeah. That's what we call everyone who enters this forest."
Luigi was already sweating rivers onto the ground. (On the bright side, it's probably good for the dead plants.) "Um... well are there no buildings around here?"
The second crow jumped up suddenly. "NOPE, YOU'RE STUCK WANDERING THIS HELLISH WASTELAND FOREVER, NEVER TO SEE YOUR MOMMY OR A CLEAN BATHROOM AGAIN!! AND THEN I, CARL THE CROW, WILL BE THE MOST POWERFUL TOILET PAPER MANUFACTURER IN THE WORLD!!AHHAHA!!"
Luigi gasped and shrank to about half his normal height as lightning crashed all around, shaking the forest with its force. The world trembled shakily under the unstoppable might of this new monarch, the true evil villain of the story, Carl the Crow!
Luigi covered his mouth in fright. "But I don't want you to hurt my mommy!! PLEASE DONT HURT MY MOMMY!!"
Then the first crow slapped his companion.
"Sorry, Carl's got a touch of the flu," he said.
"Oh, well I can understand that," Luigi sighed. "Have you seen MARIO with a touch of the flu?"
"Uhh... no, and if his sneezes are as big as his ego, I'm sure I don't want to. Anyway, there's a pretty big building through those trees over there, but he's a new guy. Don't tell him that though, cause he's got enough power to take over the whole world, toilet paper companies included."

Luigi: There goes my dreams of lifetime supplies of TP.

"Um, sorry, are we talking about a mansion or a business giant?" Luigi asked shakily.
"It's not JUST a mansion," the third crow said (whose name was Lewellyn, if you wanted to know). "Don't say that around the mansion or he'll kill you!"
Luigi gasped for the second time out of a thousand. "He?"
"The mansion is obviously a guy," the first crow replied. (Obviously!!)
"Uh..." Luigi said.
"And his name is Oh Great and Powerful Mansion," Carl added. "He goes by many names. But you can call him Mansion."
"It's... alive?!" Luigi gasped.
"Duh. Everything is alive," Lewellyn said. "But don't let that scare you, if you're looking for him! Head right on in for tomato soup and sandwiches!"
"Oh, that sounds nice, I am pretty hungry," Luigi mused. "Come to think of it, why on earth did I not eat dinner before coming? It's supposed to be super late."
"Yeah, that was pretty stupid," the first crow said. "But anyway, later, dude!"
"Okay, bye birds!" Luigi waved.
"Oh, we're not just birds, we're a murder," Carl said.
Luigi froze. "What?"
"A murder, Luigi," Carl said. "A group of crows is called a murder."
"How do you know my name?" Luigi stared with eyes big as bowling balls.
Carl shrugged. "I looked at the cover image."
Luigi slowly began to back away. And he screamed at the top of his lungs. And he hightailed his sweet patootie out of there.
"Hey Lew, did you really think there'd be free snacks in Mansion?" Carl asked after he'd gone.
"Oh, sure," Lewellyn replied. "There always is. If by tomato soup you mean blood and sandwiches is more like knuckle sandwiches."
"Ah, I love this job," Carl sighed.
"Speaking of, why DO we hang out here on this branch all day?" The first crow asked (whose name must be unimportant).
"Beats me," Carl shrugged.
"Actually, the author put in her notes that we are comic relief in an otherwise dark and foreboding Valley of Death, which we just sent a sweet, innocent little mortal into alone," Llewelyn said, checking his notes. "Which makes us... PRETTY DARN AWESOME!! Like, we practically just set the whole story in motion!"

Author: Don't dream of getting too technical with me.

"And we all know, it's dangerous to go alone," Carl snickered. "Although I just thought we were here 'cause we failed our SATs and we're losers with no lives."
"Oh," Llewelyn realized. "Yeah... I forgot about that."
"Hang on a second," said the first. "We're crows! Why the heck do we take SATs in the first place???"
Everyone was silent in deep thought.
...
Life's deep questions, people.

A couple of minutes later, Luigi had been wandering through the forest for hours, lost in circles. That should make no sense (because this forest is cuckoo crazy). Anyway, much much endless walking later...
Luigi galloped through Boo Woods, singing aloud to pretend he wasn't terrified out of his brains. (Rest assured, though, he only has one brain.)
"Into the woods, to find a house, to Mario who is there no doubt," he sang, swinging his flashlight in the air like a maniac at a light show. Soon the naked trees took a liking and began to join in, singing with him: "Into the woods, to Mario who is there no doubt!"
Luigi glanced around. "Oh, backup singers," he said. "Thanks guys!"
(Ha, you thought he was gonna be scared.)
At that time he happened to pass by an old, beat-down loser hut on the side of the path, which was the only sign thus far of anything resembling past civilization. In fact, a yellow light poured like magic pixie dust from its one tiny window.
"Hm! A small lonely hut!" Luigi mused. "How interesting. Guess I'll just disregard that light on, because there's no way that is my mansion."
So he passed on without giving it a second thought. Unfortunately, just then Luigi happened to trip on some invisible dirt and face planted to the ground.
A scream like a wild caveman lady singing emanated from the ground beneath him, causing Luigi to jump like a cat who stepped on the stove.
"Who has dared step on my diiiiiiirt?"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
"For this crime, you will pay with your shiiiiiiirt--"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Even more terrified out of his wits, Luigi got up and scrambled for the clearing. "DEAD LADY!! I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY SHIRT!! I'M GONNA DIE!!!" he shrieked at the top of his lungs, busting through a few bushes. And guys, he's not even inside the mansion yet.

Carl: Hey, you didn't call him his actual name!

Author: HEY, I'm the Almighty Powerful Author! I breathed the very life into Mansion!

Carl: You can still respect his dignity.

Author: Mansion has more dignity than you do.

Meanwhile, Luigi was screaming... again...
"AAAHHHHHH!"

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

And the random grave in the woods by some miracle did not pursue him. However, Luigi was soon enough stopped by another terrible, fatal, heart-stopping sight that turned his face white as chalk and his blood frozen and he overall stopped functioning for a few minutes as a person.
There before him, a huge, terrifying nuthouse stood on the hill.

*NEWS ALERT!*

We interrupt this story to bring one more unexpected flashback! Sorry for the inconvenience, folks! This is Booscaster reporting, live on the flashback! Now I take you to our special feature, Into the Woods (Mario and Toad version)!

*FLASHBACK*

Mario raised his eyebrows, unimpressed. "THIS is the neighborhood? I'm starting to think that the game was really nice considering!"

Author: *sigh* Oh Mario, what DOES it take to scare you?

Mario: Slugs eating chimichangas, probably.

Author: I'll keep it in mind.

Walking through Boo Woods, Mario talked aloud to himself for no other reason than the invisible audience's benefit.
"Well, whoopee! Here's a big, bland and completely uninteresting labyrinth of death, in which I will NOT be singing. Best be moving!" Skipping in a very Mario-ish way, very befitting of a twenty-something year old, he headed into the forest. Within five uneventful minutes he had reached a clearing.
"Well, what's this? Oh, mama mia! What a huge surprise! It's a huge... uh... nuthouse!"
A huge ominous growl rumbled through the clearing.
Carl, watching from a branch overhead, nudged his friend. "Ooh, Mansion didn't like that!" he whispered.
Mario whirled around, scanning the trees. "Hey, who said that?"
"Nobody," came the reply.
"Oh," Mario replied. "I just thought I felt like I was being watched for a second."
Carl giggled. "You have NO IDEA."
Mario tilted his head and frowned at the mansion. Then he spotted a small loser hut nearby with the magic light in the window.
"Hey, looks like one of the bozo hangouts! I bet there's an old dude in there right now just waiting for me to drop by!"
Mario snorted as he passed by. "Yeah, right! Like I really want to stop to chat with an old guy. Now THIS is what I'm talking about!" He said, beholding the sight of the mansion, not at all bothered by its demonic appearance and obvious scowl of animosity towards him. (I am not going to describe the mansion much here, so if you do not know what it looks like, you can imagine something terrifying. However, be assured that it has glowing eyes of doom and probably whispers it's victims' names before seizing them like flies in a spiderweb. Mansion is a very foul beast, and he is prone to hate particular people. Which is outrageous, because how could you possibly hate Mario?!)
"Well, I'm-a here! How very fast and easy it was to find it, especially without a map! Guess I can call dibs on my bedroom!!"
With that he darted for the front doors. "FINDERS KEEPERS!!"
Not at all suspecting any ill will or fishy vibes, Mario headed onto the porch, right into the metaphorical mouth of the monster. For unfortunately, for him, he accidentally grabbed the can of gullible soup last night for dinner, which Luigi made in excess. So with that characteristic trust and confidence which Mario usually puts in himself, he walked into the house without so much as a backwards glance.
"HAHA!! I WIN!!" He shouted over the forest. And then the door closed.
Thus did Super Mario, hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, die.

"Wait, did he just DIE?!" Toad gasped from where he was watching in the bushes.
The three identical clones of himself beside him made sounds of disagreement (which I guess sounds something like 'NAAAAAWW!' and other nasal noises). Toad Clone #1 shook his head.
"No, but the mansion did just take him inside," he replied ominously. "That means he's never coming out!"
"How do you know?" asked Toad Clone #2.
"Haven't you ever played a haunted house game before? Those things never let you leave easily."
"That's funny, because I'm fairly certain that's not how it's gonna work for Luigi," Toad said.
"Yes, but he has a reason to stay. Mario on the other hand is the mansion's chosen victim. He will be doomed to wander endlessly in its halls forever and ever and ever and ever UNTIL..."
The three toads held their breath.
"HE DIES!!"
The three toads momentarily fainted. Then they all got back up again. "But then what's the point of going in?" asked Toad Clone #3.
"Well, obviously, to find his dead body and make 100% positive SURE he's dead."
"And then what?"
"Then the credits roll while we cry our eyes out to some sappy emotional song."
"But... we can't mess with the canon!" Toad interjected.
"Well then how else is it supposed to end?" TC #1 asked. (Because I am lazy and unmotivated to type, TC means Toad Clone.)
"Well, this is a Nintendo game," Toad mused. "So that means--

Author: Hey! No spoilers permitted!

Toad: Aw, seriously? This game is already eons old!

"Perhaps somebody is trying to... KILL Mario??" TC #3 asked.
"He does get all the attention and the free samples at grocery stores," TC #2 thought aloud.
"That's funny, I was always under the impression that some spirit wanted to use his body to live again in the real world," Toad said. "You know, like possess him!"

Author: And here I thought toads' imaginations were filled with lollipops and rainbows.

Toad: We have a very wide scope.

"Well, I can still theorize that Mario got taken inside creepy house, gets chased and abducted, then gets chained by evil spirits who want to have the noms on his head and rip his heart out for a shady ritual under the full moon that involves using his blood for the revival of thousands of dead people congregated at said ceremony FOR the single purpose of awakening an army of live zombies to take over the world!" TC #1 reasoned.
The others looked at him. And they got really quiet. And they barfed out some rainbows.
"Ew!! It's all bright and colorful! Gross!" The tree next to them complained.
The toads gasped. "Oh, hello there, Mr. Tree," TC #3 greeted. "Sorry about that! We were just about to go inside that spooky looking Mansion over there," he explained.
The tree, annoyed (especially that they didn't seem at all fazed by a talking tree), said, "Well who's stoppin' ya?"
The toads exchanged glances. Then they all nodded to each other and stepped out of the bush. "Well, it's time to step out of the cozy comfort of this dreary forest," Toad announced. "Tonight we fight!" He raised a tiny fist with a war cry.
"FOR MARIO!!"
"AAAARRRGHHH!"
And then the toads charged.
"Into the woods, to find Mario, to save him from a fatal blow!"

Author: AND NO SINGING!

Meanwhile, in the aforementioned roadside loser hut, as the toads argued, an old guy peeped out the window. He knew of the nuthouse whose name was Mansion, and he knew who had made it. Yes, it was the very same old dude who we happily met before, but still he goes unnamed! And looking out now, into the deep dark forest, he thought he saw a flash of color.
Adjusting his glasses, he squinted out the window. "Eh? What's that going into the mansion? Is that... a beautiful young maiden I see through yonder gates??"

Author: Ugh, how long have you been living by yourself in Boo Woods, hermit?

Hermit: Longer than I care to share right now.

"Ohh, no wait, it's a young man. In a red hat. I honestly don't see anything noteworthy about him other than that red hat, but that's all that matters, I'm sure. Now, why'd he go into the mansion?"

Author: I don't know, why don't you go ASK him??

The old dude nodded. "Yes. He probably mistook this place for an amusement park and now will be terribly confused when he finds all the bodies and moldy food."
Grabbing his magical vacuum cleaner, which you remember from earlier, he headed out the door.
"Into the woods, to find a man, to save him from a vacation plan! Into the house--"

Author: AND NO SINGING!!