Five unfortunate minutes later, Luigi stood in E. Gadd's promised gallery, staring at a stone wall, eyes slack with boredom.
So I guess you can guess how the last five minutes played out.
In all reality, though, I'm painting this place too harshly. E. Gadd's gallery is actually a wonderfully magical looking place, with dirt floors and empty picture frames and crumbling columns that could have been smuggled out of Ancient Greece.
If I'm not doing a good job of selling it, maybe E. Gadd will do better.
"So, Loogy, welcome to my gallery! This is where I hang all my paintings... ghost paintings, that is! I used to have a famous ghost collection, but now it's only frames. What a crying shame!"
...You know that thing I just said? Nevermind.

E. Gadd: Look, NOBODY ever likes my gallery, okay?? It STILL doesn't look good, and Nintendo only redesigned it like five times!

Luigi: Sucks to be E. Gadd.

Author: WHOA, that was unauthorized.

ANYhoo...

"Why did you drag me here if there's NOTHING HERE?" Luigi wanted to know. "And furthermore, what on earth is a ghost painting?"
"Oh boy, you're in for a treat!" the professor said, rubbing his hands together. "Well then. Now I have to tell you... a HORRIFYING story..."
Luigi wasn't as concerned as you thought he'd be. "Is it as horrifying as the torture I've already been through?"
E. Gadd ignored that. (I swear, by the end of this, he's gonna deserve a medal for his phenomenal ignoring. We can all only wish to be like him.)
"Oh, no," E. Gadd went on. "This story, it's much worse. It'll squeeze the jelly from your eyes!"

Shrek: YES!! I KNEW there was gonna be Shrek in this story!

Luigi: SHRIEEEK!! *blasts Shrek with a bazooka*

Author: Well that got off the handle really fast.

E. Gadd crossed his arms. "Can I tell my story now PLEASE???"
Luigi stared at him. "Well who's stoppin ya?"
The professor took a deep breath. "Anyway. So when I was your age —
"Boring."
E. Gadd frowned and tried again. "When I was young, —
"You were young??" Luigi asked in disbelief.
E. Gadd turned to the ceiling. "This is scientist abuse!!"

Author: Okay, Luigi, I'm gonna need you to be quiet for a little bit and let the bozo talk. Yes, there's a good boy.

E. Gadd rubbed his chin as if he was having serious brain activity. "Now, where was I?"
"You were talking about the 1800's," Luigi supplied.
E. Gadd glared at him. "ANYway, when I was young I designed a machine to turn ghosts into paintings. I traveled the world in a private yacht collecting 'em. Oh, it was glamorous, I tell you! I even appeared on Oprah!"
Luigi stared. "This just seems so wrong."
"No, boy, you want to hear wrong? I'll tell you wrong. This is the horrifying part, by the way. So, the last ghost I caught was number 22, Boolossus. He's actually the reason I moved to Boo Woods, actually. I actually saw a documentary about him on tv and how he actually supposedly has a greater ectoplasmic volume than any Boo on earth — so much, actually, that he is the actual cause for sinking the Titanic."
Luigi blinked.
"He was irresistible to me, of course. So I moved to Boo Woods after some jerkish hoodlums with their babies destroyed my old lab with a volcanic eruption. I pursued ghosts here, and last week I finally caught the legendary Boolossus!"
Luigi frowned. "Wait a minute. You've been living here since you were twenty and you JUST caught Boolossus last week??"
"It's a life well spent, I'm telling you!" E. Gadd beamed.
Luigi stared at the audience. "I have lost hope in humanity."
"So anyway, I caught Boolossus and made plans for a wild dorm party," E. Gadd went on. "But wouldn't you know, I was just off the phone with the vodka place when I heard yodeling from my basement!"
"I'm having a hard time remembering where this was in the game," Luigi said concernedly.
"So I came to this very gallery — and POW! The entire place had been transformed into a circus for hoodlums! My portrait ghosts were partying like it was 1699, and they even blasted a hole in my wall with a catapult made from TOILET PAPER!! You have any idea how long it took to fix??"
"Wait a minute," Luigi said. "A catapult made of toilet paper?? To make that you'd have to have won a lifetime supply!!" He started breathing very rapidly. "I KNEW my lifetime supply was here!!"
E. Gadd ignored him. (Such a gift.) "So now my entire life is screwed because of ONE wild dorm party!! And it was all because of... King Boo and his coffee maker!" he cursed. "He rallied all the boos of Boo Woods and took revenge upon me. Then they made a giant, terrifying nuthouse and they all hid inside! And the worst part of all is... he took all my portrait ghosts with him and now my entire life's work is WASTED! RUINED! I have nothing to show for!! To be honest Luigi, if I told anybody else this stuff, they'd probably have me committed."
"Hah!" Luigi was scribbling on a notepad like a genius undercover cop. "Too bad! Because I bet you weren't counting on ME being anybody else!!"
E. Gadd crossed his arms. "Now sonny, we both know you ain't leaving this neck of the woods until the credits roll."
"Dang it," Luigi cursed.
E. Gadd poked him. "Hey! No cursing in a Mario game. Now why don't we get this adventure on the road??"
"What?? Why?"
"Because this is your adventure!! Didn't you ask for this??"
"I can't say I asked for this specifically, no."
"Player 2s can't be choosers. Now gear up and let's get on with the grueling."
"Grueling?? Now wait a nanosecond! I don't wanna go back in Mansion! There's bloodsucking monsters and yodeling ghosts in there, isn't there?? ISNT THERE???"
E. Gadd sighed. "Luigi, fun as this has been, I think the audience is getting sick of this procrastination. We need to get the stoopid adventure started. And there's no other way for you to find Mario!"
"Well... he's smart, let him save himself!" Luigi said. "I bet he can just grab them by the tails and fling them out the window, probably."
"Ghosts don't work like that, nice try. Only THIS can stop 'em," the professor replied, hitting the Poltergust.
"Well... fine! So why don't YOU do it?"
"Because I spent the last of my youthful strength catching Boolossus last week, and now I'm in need of a young foolish whippersnapper such as yourself."
"But I can't catch ghosts! I'm hungry!"
The professor crossed his arms... which is weird, because I think he's already done that like five times now. "Luigi, your cowardice is showing."
Luigi spun in a circle. "It is?? Where?!"
E. Gadd rolled his eyes. "Alright, time to go ghostbusting!" he said, shoving Luigi up the staircase. Luigi, in a sudden panic, dug in his heels and fought with him all the way to the door (don't know how that works, exactly).
"No!! I have to go to the bathroom!"
"There's toilets in the mansion, Loogy."
"I... I forgot my Game Boy!"
"It's in your pocket."
"...Mappy! I need Mappy!" Luigi cried.
"I'm right here," the voice came from his rear.
"Thanks a LOT, map," Luigi growled.
"Alright, here you are! Just get in there and bring me some nice ghost souvenirs," E. Gadd instructed, shoving him out the door.
"NOOO!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE STILL!! DONT LEAVE ME!!!" Luigi clung to the doorframe, causing the professor to get a crowbar and pry him off before slamming it shut and locking it.
A moment later he peeked out the window and waved. "Bye now! Have a nice time!"
Luigi stood up and stared in horror at the nuthouse like it had stolen all his spaghetti. "Sure!! Make ME go all by myself into a haunted nuthouse!! I'm just going to trip over a carpet and get eaten by some haunted staircase, ARENT I??"
"This was Nintendo's idea, not mine!" E. Gadd called through the window. Then he pulled the curtains closed and went back to his kitchen, where he started making a lovely cup of diesel tea with a side of barnacles. Then the clock clicked midnight.
"Oh! It's time for Mystery Science Theater!" And he turned on his tv.

Well, folks, while I'm sure we'd all love to stay and watch tv with the professor, he is not actually the main character of this drama. This may come as a shock to you, but he is actually only here to push the plot along.

E. Gadd: LIES! I am obviously the only reason this story exists.

Mansion: Technically, that's true. I wouldn't EXIST if it weren't for you and your stoopid coffee maker problems.

Well, we could play the blame game all night, but now it's time to bring it back where it belongs... to Luigi and Mappy!
"This is all your fault!" Luigi accused as he tested each step towards the mansion like the ground was laced with booby traps.
"Luigi, I'm just a piece of paper doing my humble job," Mappy defended. "And by the way, you've already walked on this path like twice, so I'm pretty sure it's safe."
"Well excuuuuse me. You can never be sure when an evil crow will pop up and threaten to take over all the toilet paper companies," Luigi retorted.
...You know what? Let's save this agony.
Thirty eight minutes later, Luigi finally made it up to the front doors again. As soon as he grabbed the doorknob, there was a crash overhead like lightning hitting the chimneys.

Author: Hey, that's uncalled for! It's supposed to wait until the 27th act!!

Lightning: Oops, my bad.

The lightning sucked itself back up into the sky and disappeared.
Luigi panted like he was giving birth. "I'm going to die," he breathed. "Oh, I'm going to DIE!"
Mappy was more realistic. "Now calm down, Luigi. Plenty of people survive childbirth."
Luigi frowned and slapped the paper so hard that... well, let's just say it looked stoopid.

Author: Alright Luigi, get in the mansion. I'm not gonna say it again.

Luigi: Would you say it if I asked pretty please?

Author: *knocks him forward with an almighty hand*

Luigi stumbled forward suddenly by an unseen force and crashed through the doors, tripped over his legs, and face planted onto the hard floor.
There was a sudden clink from overhead. Luigi rolled over and held his breath as the Jaws theme started to play.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

(You're welcome.)
Four or five yards above, tinkling like a dangling wind chime that's about to break, a huge 387-pound chandelier started to sway and spin on the ceiling. Luigi's eyes exploded out of his head.
"We gotta move, we gotta move ITS GONNA KILL ME!!"
Mappy couldn't see what was going on for obvious reasons, but Luigi found himself unable to move because he was stuck lying on top of the Poltergust like a flipped koopa. In a rising panic, he attempted to rock back and forth as the Jaws music got louder.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!"
So he screamed, obviously. Because that would make everything better.
And then the chandelier fell.
Now I hope you know the chandelier doesn't actually break, it's just attached to a super long rod that extends all the way to the floor. And lucky for us, Mansion decides to lower the rod at wonderfully random times.
And then...
CLANG!
The chandelier hit the ground.
Luigi screamed like a girl for a second before looking down to see the sharp metal point had landed in the floor, right between his legs. He stared for a second before laying back with a gulp of relief.
"Wow, close call," a voice said right next to him.
"DONT EAT ME!!" Luigi hollered, so startled that he managed to roll over at last onto his stomach. Scrambling up, he was stoopefied to see that his midnight stalker was none other than Toad.

Toad: Actually, I'm here to stalk Peach's boyfriend.

Luigi: Because that's not creepy at all.

"Toad?? What on Miyamoto's green earth are you doing here??"
"I could ask you the same thing," Toad said, offended.
Luigi sighed. "While I SHOULD be yelling at you about respecting people's privacy, I'm just glad... uh... to see you, I guess. Now what are you doing in my house?"
"I already told you."
Luigi straightened up. "Oh. Well... do you wanna come check out my new place? Because it's totally not haunted or anything."
"Nice try, Luigi. I read the back of the box, you know."
"Oh, come on!! You can't blame a guy for not wanting to go in there alone."
"I can," Mappy spoke up from his pocket.
Toad stared. Luigi stared back.
"You didn't hear anything," he told him, waving his hands around hypnotically in the toad's face.
"Well, I'm glad you're here anyway, Luigi," Toad said at last. "Now I don't have to risk MY life!"
"Gee, THANKS."
"So yeah, Princess Peach asked me to come here to look for Mario... He left when he heard you'd won a mansion, and he never returned! He just up and out! Abandoned us right before the scones Toadsworth made for dessert!"
Luigi snorted. "That stuff's crap."
Toad sighed. "I know... but anyway. The princess wanted to know what he was doing, so I took a party out into these deadly woods to find out! But when I got here, the mansion was full of ghosts, and I didn't see Mario anywhere, and I didn't know what to do!! It's been awful!!" Suddenly, he burst into tears.
Luigi gasped. "No, no... don't cry! D-don't... cry!"
Toad sniffed. "Why not??"
"B-because then I'll cry!!" Luigi started sniffing like he'd just been hit by an onion ninja.

Author: Oh, please. Since when was crying contagious?

Mansion: Since I was invented, mortal.

Author: *shivers*

Toad sniffed again. "Okay. But please, you HAVE to help me find Mario! And by help, I mean do all the work. If he doesn't get back, you have no idea how upset the princess will be! She'll flip if she doesn't have a guy to eat all of Toadsworth's nasty scones for her!"
Luigi made a face. "That's what all this is about?"
"Well, and she likes him and the way he does unearthly feats of strength for her and stuff. But that's beside the point. I need you to go into the depths of that haunted nuthouse and probably die trying to save Mario," Toad said, pointing.
"Yeah... what if I just went home and watched Wheel of Fortune instead?"
"Then you're a true Mario brother!" Toad said.
Luigi frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Toad shrugged. "I have no idea!"
Luigi sagged his shoulders and groaned like he was King Boo on Valentine's Day. "Alright, FINE! I'm going!! But if I die, Toad, I will personally... kill you."
Toad blinked.
Mappy squirmed in his pocket. "Yeah, I can't wait to see it," he said with a snort.
Then Toad perked up. "Aww, thanks Luigi! You made my dark and stormy night!" Looking up at the chandelier, which had decided to retract back into the ceiling, he suddenly spun around and snapped his fingers. "Magic light spell!!"
And then magic sparkles came from Toad's hands and Luigi stared as the lights in the foyer magically came on.
"Did I just miss something?" Mappy asked.
"Uh... it's something I don't suppose Nintendo will explain," his owner said finally. Toad smiled at him.
So Luigi turned to the big doors beneath the stairs, which happened to be covered in huge, spiky, purplish-radioactive looking thorns. Reaching carefully for the doorknob, which was uncovered, Luigi managed to get pricked anyway.
"Ow!! What in the name of Maleficent is this stuff??"
"Well why'd you touch it, Einstein?" Mappy replied.
"I don't know! I thought that maybe I was gonna be alright, like Prince Philip!"
"So I suppose the person you're trying to rescue is a beautiful maiden named Mario," Mappy said sarcastically.
"Shut up!"
"Oh, yeah, Luigi? You have to take the doors upstairs," Toad called from where he was sitting by the staircase with a Game Boy. "Those are unlocked. And just beware of the yodeling paintings!!"
"And what exactly are you going to be doing while I kill myself?"
"Sitting here playing a Game Boy, duh," Toad replied, turning back to his Pokémon.

Luigi took a deep breath and opened the doors to the parlor for the second time that night. "Mappy, I don't wanna go in here," he whispered as he walked in. "You know what happened last time."
"Guess what, you don't have to," the map replied.
"Really?!"
"Nope. Because you're already inside."
Luigi frowned. "Stoopid," he muttered. Grabbing the Poltergust, he started walking around with his slightly-awkward cowboyish walk. Weird, creepy paintings of weird, creepy people watched him from every wall.
"Mappy. They're staring at me," he whispered.
"Well maybe they wouldn't if you blew out those fishy purple candles right there," it replied.
"Oh, yeah. That sounds like a good idea." Luigi walked over to the aforementioned purple candles, but when he tried to blow them the wind magically got repelled back into his own face.
"Mappy! The candles don't like carbon dioxide!"
"Maybe use the poisonous gas in the Poltergust!"
Turning on the Poltergust, which magically transformed his flashlight head into the sucky nozzle, Luigi switched the vacuum to 'leafblower' setting. (Can we just mention how the flashlight and the vacuum nozzle both come out of the same hose? The light just 'magically transforms' into the nozzle when you need it. But nobody ever mentions that, so we won't bother with it, either.)
Sure enough, the flames sputtered and died. Then:
"You just earned a yodeling lesson, mortal!"