Okay y'all, now give me a moment to pinch my nose bridge and sigh concerning the state of humanity's mental health.
Because like, DUDE. Who knew.
This house is HAUNTED!
Like, despite what I said very convincingly in my author's note a thousand years ago, this is only the third Luigi's Mansion fanfic I've ever written. But truth be told, I've always thought that Mansion was haunted, from the first instant I laid eyes on the cover back in '01. But maybe that's just me. (Okay, Okay, I'll admit that the game's title is misleading. I was a little surprised to find that there was no day spa or private yacht included.)

Luigi: Luigi's Filthy Stinkin RICH Mansion! That's what we're talking about! With cute maidservants and a lifetime supply of TP!

Author: ...You know, now I think I understand why Nintendo went for the haunted locale instead.

...
Anyway, where were we.
Oh yeah.
Luigi threw back his head and hyperventilated at the ceiling. "THIS MANSION IS HAUNTED THIS MANSION IS HAUNTED THIS MANSION IS HAUNTED..."
Have you ever had a teacher or babysitter who was way more tolerant of you than they should have been? Or a sibling who didn't smack you across the face when you really, really deserved it?
Well, that's how Mappy was being now. For once.
"This Mansion is haunted?? No way!" he said, very patient with his owner's stoopid brain constipation.
When Luigi didn't reply due to culture shock, he asked, "You figured that out all on your own, huh?"
Luigi breathed real quick as the shadow of the hairbrush lady continued to move on the wall.
"Luigi, there's nothing scary about a lady brushing her hair," Mappy finally said.
"Yes there is!" he insisted. "What if she's really not brushing hair at all, and it's made of snakes? Or spiderwebs? Or what if it's just...
A TOUPEE??"
The ghost gave her response by way of a misting fragrance which was suddenly flung across the room at 74 mph, hitting Luigi in the head before hitting the floor. Unfortunately, somehow it got stuck like a smoke bomb or a house fogger (the kind you use to kill fleas or something) and the next thing we know, he was lost in a cloud of Victoria's Secret Juicy Pomegranate.
"Die, flea!! How dare you?!" Lydia screamed, getting up from her chair. "Suggesting my hair is fake? You know it's considered currency in some parts of Europe!" And then she threw the hairbrush at him as well.

Mansion: Oh yeah. Just like my shingles are worth millions in Japan.

Author: I'd love to see that listing on eBay.

E. Gadd: Those things are worth something?? Shoot, what am I doing here? *grabs computer*

Mansion: First person to auction my parts online gets their parts auctioned online.

WOW that was dark
Ahem, anyway...
Luigi coughed and squirmed in the cloud of petrochemicals (whatever those are). "Oh no! Someone...! Help!..." He coughed again, but the fragrant mist didn't stop.
"Luigi, I think you're supposed to stop, drop and roll!" Mappy called, but Luigi was too preoccupied to hear him.
Now, you normal people might be thinking this is stoopid and wondering what the big deal is. Or if you're trying to think ahead, you might think there's actually poison gas in that perfume or something, and this would turn out to be really awesome and dark.
But I'm here to prove you wrong (cause that's my lovely job).
"Oh no! How could you hit me with a fragrance bomb?? DONT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PUT PERFUME ON A GUY??" Luigi shrieked.
Mappy, who was fed up with all this by now, prompted him on. "What?"
Luigi froze and stared at the wall in horror. "If you wear a woman's perfume... you turn INTO A GIRL!!!"
Mappy sighed, utterly losing hope in humanity. "Where did you hear that?"
"Mario told it to me back in elementary school!"
Lydia floated upwards and pointed at Luigi. "You disgusting mortal trespasser who has the audacity to come into my bedroom! You and your hairball of a mustache shall suffer for your indecency!!"
On Luigi's back, a muffled sound rose from the Poltergust. "Hey you! No messing with my wife!!"
Luigi immediately used his fallback excuse from third grade. "It's not my fault, it was an accident!"
Neville didn't buy it. "An accident that you did on purpose!! Stop checking out my wife!"
Mappy coughed awkwardly as Luigi made a face like that picture from like two chapters ago. "I think I have the audience's support when I say I am NOT interested in your wife!!"
Audience, you may give your verdict.

Ghost#1: Well let's see, he is an undeclared bachelor who did just walk right into her bedroom uninvited after taking out her husband, so...

Luigi: Whoa, that's irrelevant! Ghost hunters have free rein in ANY establishment, domestic and private. ...Whatever that means.

Ghost #1: Are we part of the audience too?

Author: No, you're an NPC!

Ghost #2: I think we are! What else are we doing besides spectating?

Ghost #1: Hey, that is a point. Where the heck are we, anyway?

E. Gadd: Wherever I am when I comment on the story.

Luigi: Me too!

Everyone: ... So what is this??

Mansion: It's my Mansion Instant Messenger App for texting during your current story, duh. Get with the times.

E. Gadd: And I thought 2001 was primitive. I still don't have an actual cellphone!

Neville: ...What does this have to do with my wife again?

Oh, yeah, we were telling a story.

"Oh yeah, I have a present for you!" Lydia snapped now. "It's a wooooonderful fashion accessory, I think you're familiar with it!" Then she threw a cowboy boot across the room where it would have smacked Luigi right in the face, except it didn't because he ducked. The boot didn't stop either, because it boomeranged off the wall and kept flying through the air by an unspecified power.
Luigi screamed and started running all over the master bedroom like a five year old on Monster Energy.
Lydia wasn't having it. "HEY!! Settle down! Just let me give you your beating and it'll be over with! A mother has to reach her spanking quota per day, you big mustached baby you —!!"
Then Luigi tripped over the curtain, tumbled against the sill and got all wrapped up like... I don't know, a baby.
Lydia approached him with boot upraised. "BEND OVER!!"
Luigi screamed. "MAPPY HELP! I HAVENT BEEN SPANKED IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS!!"
Mappy paused. "Weeks??" he asked.

Mario: Uh... it's complicated.

Author: Mario who authorized you to talk??!!*straps him across the mouth with packing tape*

Anyway.
"Listen, lady," Mappy spoke up now. "I don't know how they parented people back in the 1800's... but this is child abuse! Furthermore, I DONT DESERVE THIS!!"
That's Mappy, always there when you need him.
Lydia frowned. "Unfortunately I don't listen to pathetic talking pieces of junk mail. NOW FOR THE BOOT!!"
But then, just when Luigi and Mappy were about to get the literal boot in the most unpleasant of ways you can imagine, the curtain which they were wrapped up in tore off and the curtain rod crashed to the floor. A huge gust of wind and leaves from nowhere blasted into the room through the big hole which someone had very thoughtfully provided earlier.
Not surprisingly, Lydia jumped back and screamed. "AAAHHH!! A DRAFT!! MY HAIR!!!" Snatching up the hairbrush, she hastily attempted to fix her minor hair injuries against the blowing wind, which was undoing it all in one fell swoop. She kept brushing harder, which soon resulted in her looking like that creepy lady from The Nightmare Before Christmas or something.

Luigi: Too late! Santa already came!!

Author: Luigi, let it go.

In the meantime Luigi sat up, newly liberated from the prospect of a spanking, and tried to get out of his latest domestic mess. He accidentally tore the curtain, fell on the curtain rod and broke his jawbone (probably).
Lydia was spritzing herself back and forth with heavily scented hairsprays like a desperate last-minute prom girl.
Mappy finally sighed. "Okay, this is depressing and sad for a grown woman. Luigi, put an end to this torture..."
"Much obliged!... whatever that means!" He grabbed the Poltergust and stood up, ready to deal with things in a very manly way.
But of course Lydia was sure as sherbet not gonna let that happen easily. "You!! This is your stoopid cowboy fault! I hope someday you suffer in hairstyle hell, where you agonize for hours over the perfect do to have it ruined by a bumbling nincompoop with no concept of a curling iron!!!"
Luigi stood a tad awkwardly and shrugged. "Well I'm a guy, so..."
"Guys can use curling irons!!" Lydia hollered.
"Well I don't," Luigi said.
Mappy did the equivalent of a facepalm.
"Enough of this, you hairy, hairy man," Lydia scowled. "It's time for a makeover!"

Luigi: ...? Wait a second, there is a day spa here?

Author: I believe the term is night spa.

Luigi stared in terror as she began swirling her hands, conjuring up a swarm of beauty supplies. A load of toiletries from the nearby vanity suddenly busted out and flew to her as well.
"Your mother won't even recognize you when I'm through with you!"
Luigi screamed.
Then he, the psycho mermaid mother and the mound of flying cosmetics all met in a cloudy explosion of stoopid.
I'm not really gonna describe it to you because it was hard to see, but several times Luigi tried to escape that cloud and got pulled back in by a vengeful hairbrush or angry blush palette.
However, because our boy Luigi is so cool and stuff, he eventually did win that tussle and sucked the dead mother away. When that happened, all the living beauty tools died.
"Alright, I'm up two!" He cheered.
Then he caught sight of himself in the mirror.
He was really quite a lovely sight, with dark eyeshadow that made him look like he had a black eye and a streak of lipstick across his face. He had also been powdered to perfection, and his hair, which had glitter in it, was like the most delicate of train wrecks created by a comb and a curling iron.
Mappy peeked out of his pocket and gasped. "Woah, look at that creature in the mirror! It's hideous!" he exclaimed.
Luigi was too terrified to even hear.
Cover your eardrums...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—"

Two minutes of screaming later

"—AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Mappy groaned. "Well that's two minutes of my life I'm never getting back."
Luigi scrambled to find a brush. "Aggh!! I'm never gonna get all this sparkle out of my hair!! What's the final boss gonna say when it sees me??!"
"Probably something well-warranted and intelligent."

Author: Oho, we'll have to see about that.

Quickly concealing most of it with his hat that he wears 24/7 anyway, he turned to head for the door, because we've been in that room far too long already. On the way out he grabbed a cowboy boot and chucked it out the window for good measure.
"Done and done," he dusted off his hands.
When Luigi got into the hallway another annoying videogame-baby cry greeted him.
He slapped his forehead. "Oh shoot, I forgot about the baby!!"
"When doodie calls, a hero has to answer," Mappy said to no one in particular.
Luigi frowned, attempting to rub the makeup on his sleeve. "You know, sometimes I really don't like you."
The room across the hall was very unsurprisingly the nursery.
Before he even opened the door the lovely aroma of 200 year old ghost droppings reached him, and I can't even begin to describe to you what that smells like.
Okay, so maybe it's like burnt rubber mixed with gas and a dusty old barn.
Either way, when Luigi walked in he was surprised to find no baby.
He stood there in confusion. "Where's the poop machine?"
"It's probably hiding," Mappy said.
"Come to think of it, what's even making that stench anyway? I mean, what do ghosts poop?"
"Maybe you should check that ominously floating shadow above the crib," Mappy suggested.
Luigi ignored him. "If ghosts are dead, do they still eat? How does that even work?"
"Ghosts don't follow the laws of science, Luigi," he replied, annoyed.

E. Gadd: And neither do I!

Luigi nudged a rocking horse he found in the corner. "And man, this sure is a pink room. It's starting to make my eye stomachs sick."
To elaborate, there were pink walls, magenta carpets, salmon furniture, fuchsia flowers, and cotton candy in the atmosphere. So it was pretty safe to bet it belonged to the most girly-girl baby girl in the history of baby ghost girls. (There were also paranormal diapers lying everywhere, but those are invisible in-game.)
"...Hey, I used to have a rocking horse like this!" Luigi said excitedly.
"Was it pink?" Mappy snickered.
"No! It was very manly! And his name was Kevin!"
Insert awkward silence.
And then a baby ghost voice boomed at them. "YOU!! DUMB-DUMB!! DONT TOUCH MY HORSEY!!"
Luigi jumped so high his head hit the ceiling, he bounced back and landed on the rocking horse. But that horse didn't actually like Luigi's behind very much, and it snorted and bucked him off, sending him right into the crib.
Luigi turned and found himself face to face with a creepy ghost baby.
"WAAAAAUGHHHH!!"
The baby stared at him with a bored look.
"WAAUHHHHH!!!"
More bored staring.
"Aaahhhh!!!"
Finally the baby floated up. "Hi dumb-dumb," he said in a baby voice. "You in my torture chamber now."
Luigi stared. "You... you...
You're NOT a girl??!!"
The baby, whose name was Chauncey, glared at him. "Shush up, Twilight Sparkle! I call you that cause you have glitter in your hair."
Luigi blinked very loudly. "Oh, COME ON!! Even the baby ridicules me!!!"
Chauncey shoved a pacifier covered in green goo into Luigi's mouth. Mappy laughed, which didn't exactly help.
You see, Chauncey wasn't actually into pink or anything. It's just that Neville and Lydia, who are about as adequate at parenting as you might expect, reaaallly wanted a girl. And they were too cheap to do an ultrasound (Nevermind the fact that Chauncey was conceived dead).
You know, this doesn't really make any sense, so let's just forget about it.
Terrified now that his mouth was incapacitated, Luigi flailed around uselessly for a minute, grabbed a bouncy ball nearby, and threw it at the kid's head.
"Luigi, its a ghost, that's never gonna —
Chauncey flipped backwards with a yelp as the ball knocked him senseless.
"Hmph," Luigi snorted.
"Oww! You gave me an owie!!" Chauncey yelled. "You big meanie coocoo head, I HATE GROWNUPS!!"
"Trust me, Luigi's not much of a grownup," Mappy told him.
That's Mappy, always there when you need him.
Suddenly a deep, manly voice, like from the manliest of men (or that announcer dude from the Allstate commercials) sounded through the room.
"Oh, so it's playtime you want, huh??"
Luigi's eyes popped before he looked up and realized it came from the baby.
Mappy squirmed. "You?? What just happened to your voice?!"
Chauncey rolled his eyes and pulled out a spectral cigarette, which he lit with a flick of his finger. "Alright, look folks, I may look like a baby, but I'm the second smartest creature in this Mansion, hands down."
Stressed by his freakishly deep voice, Luigi started sucking the pacifier harder.
"So who's the first?" Mappy asked.
"That's classified under the law of undead inter-world relations," Chauncey replied. "But folks, I've still got a reputation to upkeep and a job to do, and it's a big doodie."
Luigi finally spat out the pacifier, which ricocheted off the chandelier and bonked Chauncey on the head. "Are your parents aware of this... alter ego??"
He rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Mommy? Daddy? Morons." He picked up a toy rattle. "But I always give up the gig... right before I take my next victim."
Luigi started shrieking like a lovesick banshee.
Chauncey glared. "Shut up, Twilight Sparkle! It's just the way these things work!" Floating towards the ceiling, he suddenly assumed his echoey baby voice again, which was a lot weirder than it sounds.
"Small, now grow smaller! Small! Itsy! Tiny! Little! Ga ga goo goo GA!!"
Luigi snorted. "Are you sure you don't just have like, two brains??"
"Those are the magic words, dimwit!" Chauncey hissed.
And then, in a flurry of magic sparkles, Luigi looked around...
And found himself in a giant colosseum. A colosseum lined with giant stuffed animals like monsters, fluffy patchwork floors, and wooden fences carved with childish designs.
And that colosseum was called the crib.
Luigi shrieked. "AAAHHHH!! I've been turned back into a baby!!"
"No, idiot," Chauncey boomed, appearing like a giant over the railing. "I've just turned you into the size of a cheerio. You know what the best part of having a baby body is??"
"Ignorance?" Luigi shivered.
"Having other people change your diapers," the baby declared.
Luigi gasped. "You wouldn't dare!!"
Then epic music blared, and Luigi stood up, prepared for his first boss fight.
Chauncey started forward...
And then a giant rocking horse from nowhere crashed right into the crib in front of Luigi.
He screamed. "KEVIN!!!!!!"

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Woah, guys! We just totally involuntarily made our first Home Alone reference!
So anyway, with Kevin destroyed and Luigi almost crushed, Chauncey commenced the boss fight in the most terrifyingly epic way he knew how.
Luigi stood immobile, like a stalwart solider on the battlefield, as projectiles were flung down like Bob-ombs all around him.
Except the bob-ombs were giant used diapers.
One by one, the loaded presents were sent hurling over the crib rail as from a catapult manned by the dead baby.
As the fumes rose, Luigi nodded slowly. "Well, crap."