-MAD WOMAN-
seventeen!

grief is in two parts.
the first is loss. the second
is the remaking of life.
- anne roiphe

now - 6x18-19!

Nothing in Wren Spader's life could have truly prepared her for the death of Emily Prentiss. Since the resurfacing of Ian Doyle, she always felt as though something would go wrong, but she never could have imagined this.

Hotch's reflex's worked incredibly fast as he moved to catch the brunette on her way to the floor in tears. The sobs that left Wren's mouth were loud and intense. Her hands weakly gripped onto the sleeves of her boss's suit jacket while she continued to wail.

It felt like a floodgate had been opened up within Wren. For every tear she had ever held back in the past, it seemed as though she now had five more to spare. She wouldn't be able to stop crying until she was dehydrated enough to be physically unable to continue. 

Everything seemed to move in a blur as she was moved to sit next to Rossi and Seaver as the group continued to process together silently. Very few words were exchanged by any member of the team as one by one, each one left to make their way home for the evening. Wren didn't feel as though she could move and there was a part of her that thought if she never left where she sat, she wouldn't have to acknowledge that this was real. It didn't have to be real if she didn't accept it to be.

Eventually, the only ones left in the visitor's lounge of the hospital were Wren and Hotch, who sat across from her as the woman's tears continued to fall silently. Her sniffles were the only sound to fill the room until the unit chief decided to finally speak up.

"I know that this probably isn't your main concern at the moment," he started as she wiped the tears off her cheek and looked up at him. "But, I'd like to place you in protective custody until we find Doyle."

All Wren could do was shake her head. Speaking didn't seem like an option at the moment since every time she opened her mouth, the lump in the back of her throat seemed to block anything from coming out.

"We don't know what his next steps would be, Spader. I can't lose two agents to him," Hotch tried to reason, though she kept shaking her head. "You could be next on his list of targets."

Her voice shakes as she starts to speak, pushing through the lump in her throat. "Hotch, I can't let him win."

"He won't."

"No, you don't understand," Wren continued. "I won't be able to live with myself if I just disappear. I can't give him the satisfaction of me giving up. I don't want him to feel comfortable enough to act on his ambitions ever again. And me going into protective custody would do that."

The unit chief sighed as he looked down at the ground for a moment, nodding slightly. "Well, you won't be able to live alone until we find him."

"That's fine, I'll go stay with Penelope."

"I will be putting Raven and Oakley into protective custody since he's made threats against them."

"I would prefer that to happen anyway," Wren agreed.

Hotch stood up once a wave of silence had flowed over the pair. "Alright, let me take you to your apartment so you can pack some things. You can call Garcia on our way there."

The brunette hesitated to get up. The denial she was facing attempted to glue her to the seat as she wrangled with the thought that this was actually happening. But Wren knew she couldn't stay here forever. She would have to leave this moment behind and find a way to move forward. Even if it took everything in her to do so.

She pushed herself out of her seat and followed Hotch out of the hospital, shaky breaths leaving her as she walked.

It was concerning to Wren that Penelope didn't answer any of her calls. But the brunette realized that there was a high likelihood that the technical analyst had cried herself to sleep the moment she got to her apartment. Wren had already pulled up Emily's contact information before she remembered why exactly she was looking to stay with someone. It didn't even take her two hours to forget that the woman was dead. How was she supposed to move through the rest of her life like this?

She wasn't sure if he would answer her call, but she called Spencer anyway. The lump in her throat grew with each passing moment as she waited for an answer. The ringing continued four times before it was cut off and his voice filled her ear.

"Wren?"

"H-hey," she stuttered out, relieved to hear his voice. "I'm sorry, I know it's late, but, um, Hotch doesn't want me to stay at my apartment alone, and uh, Penelope didn't pick up so I was wondering if I could stay with you?"

"I don't know, I-"

"You won't even know I'm there, I promise," Wren attempted to reassure him as she heard him sigh. "It can just be for tonight, too. I'll try Penelope again tomorrow."

There was a pause before Spencer answered. "Yeah, you can stay here. Do you need me to pick you up?"

"No, I left my car at my apartment so I'll just drive to yours and text you when I'm there."

They exchanged a few more words before Wren hung up and basked in the silence that engulfed her and Hotch. There was nothing he could say that would make the ache in her stomach go away and nothing she could say that would ease his worries. The pair were at a standstill and it would stay that way for months.

When they got to her apartment, Hotch stood awkwardly in her kitchen while she went to her room and gathered clothing and toiletries. Nothing felt right. Not the clothes she picked out, the way the moonlight poured through her windows, or how Wren felt as though she was still being watched. Nothing felt right. And it was paralyzing.

She said her goodbyes to Hotch before she made her way to Spencer's apartment. The lack of cars on the road made the trip easy and before she knew it, she stood in front of Spencer's door for the third time ever. The first time was a month or so after she joined the team and he wanted to show her his collection of first-edition Chronicles of Narnia books. The second was when Wren, Spencer, Emily, JJ, Morgan, and Garcia all had movie nights weekly and it was his turn to host and pick the movie. Wren truly couldn't comprehend that the third time she would be in his apartment would be because a teammate had died. But if she were being truly honest, nothing made any sense to her at all.

The opening of the door to his apartment revealed an incredibly disheveled Spencer Reid. He had stopped crying, but the bags under his eyes were heavy and his cheeks were puffy. And while Wren did want to spend some time grieving on her own, all she could do was pull him into a hug the moment she could. She felt his sobs rack into her shoulder as they stood there. Wren could grieve some other time. For now, she would be there for Spencer.

✦✧✦

The funeral for Emily Prentiss was a closed casket one, which Wren didn't really understand. From what she understood, the wounds Emily suffered were to her torso and any to her face were superficial. However, Wren didn't complain or voice her confusion with the decision and instead stood silently. One of her hands was intertwined with Spencer's and the other held onto his arm as the team, JJ, other federal agents, and select friends of Emily listened to the pastor speak. 

Daria had returned home a day or so after Emily died and while she had never seen Wren cry before, embraced the pain her friend was feeling and helped her let it all out. At the funeral, she stood toward the back, allowing Wren to grieve with the team, but also feel her support.

Wren never got a chance to talk to Raven or Oakley before they were placed in protective custody and she didn't expect any differently. She knew that the safest place for her family was as far away from her as possible. And if that meant she couldn't have contact with them, it was better than them being dead.

The funeral was brief as was the public wake that came after it. Emily had friends from basically everywhere, whether they were close or not, that showed up. People from Interpol that Wren recognized made appearances and it was all incredibly depressing for the brunette. Wren was well aware that Emily didn't have a great relationship with her parents but for them to not show up to her funeral? That was a new kind of heartbreak.

Clyde didn't show up either, which only left Wren feeling more alone.

It wasn't the fact that he didn't show up that bothered her as much as the fact that he never reached out after Emily's death. If anyone truly understood what Emily meant to Wren, it was Clyde. While the rest of JTF-12 was apprehensive about bringing in a new member, let alone a kid in her mid-twenties, Emily accepted Wren almost immediately. And to have no one to talk to about the experiences she had with Emily before the BAU was isolating.

Wren still couldn't truly wrap her head around the fact that all but two members of JTF-12 were dead - herself and Clyde. She found out about three of the deaths within 24 hours, so while the other members of her team were grieving the death of one teammate, she was grieving three. 

She hadn't actually had a proper conversation with many members of the team since it was revealed that she had been keeping secrets from them. Penelope was currently keeping her distance from Wren, which hurt more than the brunette would ever admit. Rossi showed kindness in subtle ways but hadn't talked to her much. Ashley was practically the same as before, but slightly more closed off to Wren. She and Spencer talked daily, but that was because she was staying with him so if he had any problems with her, he voiced them almost immediately. Hotch told her that when the team went back to work, he and Strauss would be working to get her reinstated.

Oh, yeah, Morgan decided to go to the director and attempt to get Wren's badge revoked the day after Emily died. He failed, obviously, since the bureau knew of her employment with Interpol and she hadn't actually done anything wrong. But to appease him, the director decided to order an internal investigation against the woman.

She understood that he was pissed at her and would likely blame her for Emily's death for the rest of his life, but she had never seen Derek that bitter before. 

Wren knew she would have to let Derek grieve and get his anger out on his own terms, but that didn't mean that his actions didn't hurt her.

But what was she going to do? Quit her job?

If Morgan had his way, she would've never stepped foot in the BAU again.

✧✦✧

It took a week and a half for the investigation against Wren to be closed and for her to be allowed to go back to work. And it was just in time for Ashley's graduation from the academy. The brunette mustered up all of the happiness and pride she could for the blonde as she sat with the team in the auditorium of the academy. She cheered loudly, though it hurt her heart to think about how Emily should've been there with them, and she even bought flowers for the graduate.

In the time that Wren was away from the team, Penelope had forgiven her for everything and even offered to let her stay with her. And Wren would have taken the offer if Spencer hadn't expressed that her company was helping him grieve. 

She had gotten back on speaking terms with the whole team excluding Morgan, who would glare at her whenever he got the chance or mutter rude statements whenever she spoke. It was exhausting since she was still dealing with so much, but it wasn't unfamiliar. The initial impression she made on Derek made his anger toward her now a little more bearable. She tried her best to hold the mindset she did when she was on his bad side before, but having bonded with him since then made it hard not to take the things he said to heart.

The brunette sat in the roundtable room with Spencer and Ashley, talking about the classes they enjoyed the most at the academy. It felt nice to talk about something so minuscule in the grand scheme of things, and the joy that Spencer emitted as he talked about the teachers he bonded with and his favorite useless facts that he learned brought a small smile to Wren's face.

Derek and Penelope walked in after a few minutes, the technical analyst holding a plastic container full of cupcakes and the group of agents took part in light-hearted conversation. Most of it was spent congratulating Ashley or listening to Spencer or Penelope ramble about something. Before long, Hotch and Rossi joined the group and Garcia started the presentation on their new case. This was the first that they'd had to leave the state for since Emily passed.

The new case was in Portland where two people had been killed by a group who stole from their victims. Both victims were bludgeoned and then stabbed 30-40 times and the team couldn't find an initial motive for the murders aside from a need for cash. Adding on to the fact that the scenes were completely different, the team didn't have much to go on to pinpoint who his next victim might be.

For some reason, the entire case felt slow to Wren. Perhaps it was because her mind was elsewhere, or that she didn't have a huge role in figuring out who their unsub was or catching him. Once they figured out that they were dealing with a paranoid schizophrenic, the brunette spent her time with Spencer, allowing him to vocalize all of his thoughts, whether they were rational or not.

Once the case was over and the team went back to DC, Wren stayed at the BAU later than most, assuring Spencer he didn't need to wait up for her. She wanted to talk to Morgan. She knew it probably wouldn't end well or that he would continue to shut her out, but she at least had to try. He was the last person on the team to see Emily alive and he blamed Wren for the fact that she was gone. Wren understood where he was coming from and in more ways than one, she blamed herself too, but where she put her blame wasn't going to change anything.

The brunette made her way over to Derek's office and knocked on the door twice. His relaxed posture stiffened at the sight of her and his eyes darkened.

"I know you don't want to talk to me or even look at me, but there are some things that I need to say to you," Wren said softly. He sighed but sat back in his chair, allowing her to continue. "I know you blame me for what happened to Emily and I understand why. I know you'll probably hate me for a long time and that's fine, I can't control how you're going to cope or who you'll take it out on."

"Spader-"

"And if I'm being honest, I would rather you take it out on me since I'm the one who deserves it," she pushed through his attempt at interrupting her. "But I need you to accept the fact that I'm not going anywhere. I am a part of this team whether you like it or not. You hating me isn't going to change anything or bring her back."

"I know that," he said.

"Do you? Because if you actually knew that you wouldn't have gone behind Hotch's back and to the director about me," Wren retorted. "If you have a problem with me, talk to me about it."

"Spader, what do you want from me?" Morgan asked quickly. He stood up and walked a bit toward her, his anger radiating off of him. "I'm not going to forgive you any time soon for keeping secrets from us. I'm not going to just let our friendship go back to normal because you're still here. And you're damn right, I blame you. You could've stopped her. You could've gone with her. You could've done something, but instead, you let her go on her own and let her get herself killed. I will always blame you."

"But I'm not the one who killed her, am I?"

"You might as well have been!" He exclaimed. "You practically signed her death certificate with how you just let her walk away."

"Don't you think I know that?" Wren asked. "You don't think that every night I replay in my head what I should've done instead? Do you think that I just let her go with no hesitations? We both know if I had it my way, Emily would be standing here instead of me. But I didn't get my way and the guy who killed her is still out there and you're sitting here focusing all your anger on me!"

Morgan walked back to his desk, signs of frustration all over the way he stood and walked. "I don't want to be angry at you," he admitted, a bit quieter than he was a moment ago. "But you're here and he's not."

"Then let's find him."

"How are we supposed to do that?" Derek asked her. "He's off the grid, Spader."

"For now," she replied. "He'll be looking for his son. He won't be able to stop himself."

"He has resources."

"Not as many as he did before. We killed or arrested most of his men," Wren reminded him. "His face is everywhere. Doyle won't be able to get very far on his own."

"We find Declan, we find Doyle," Morgan said and Wren nodded.

"And until we find him, you can be mad at me as much as you want," she said. "But you can't say I'm not trying."

"I never once said you're not trying. If anything, you're always trying."

"Are we good?" Wren asked him after a few moments of borderline-comfortable silence.

"We're good, Birdie."