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Equations of Love
From the moment she could walk, her parents knew she was different. There was something about the way she talked, the way her eyes lit up when she spoke of things no child should be able to understand –of pendulums and physics and swings and momentum – that was different.
Her mother had wanted a child who spoke of dolls and toys and dresses, had wanted a child who would hug her and smile at her for no reason.
Her mother wanted a normal child.
But Yuri was not normal; was brilliant but an outcast; friendly but awkward; and did not love dresses and dolls and toys; did not smile and hug her mother for no reason.
One day they were at the park, because her mother thought that doing what all families did in the movies would give her a perfect child; so they went to the park almost every day in hopes that Yuri would run around joyfully and not speak of swings and momentum and physics.
Yuri was sitting next to her tired, tired mother on bench, pointing at children on the playground.
“Mommy! Did you know, that when the swings go up in a certain time, it takes the same time to go down? It’s called conservation of momentum. I was reading it earlier and –
“I know, Yuri. You tell me every day about physics and laws and equations.”
It had been eleven years of listening to her brilliant, outcast child speak of everything except what she wanted to hear.
She was tired. Her ears hurt, her heart hurt, her pride hurt.
“I’m sorry, mommy.”
“Don’t you want to go play with the other kids, Yuri? Your friends?”
Yuri looked at the floor and twiddled her fingers quietly.
“I have no friends, mommy. The other children don’t like me. They think I’m weird. I only have Sooyoung, but I read somewhere that cousins don’t count as ‘friends’ because blood-relation disqualifies –
Yuri stopped when she noticed her mother pull out a tissue and dab at her eyes.
“Mommy… what’s wrong? I’m sorry.”
“Let’s just go home, Yuri. Let’s leave now.”
---------------
Later that night, at the dinner table, Yuri was not eating, was looking out the window instead.
“Yuri? What are you looking at? Please eat your food.” said her mother.
“Mommy! Look at the cat! The cat on our windowsill. Isn’t it pretty?”
Her parents looked out the window and saw nothing.
“Yuri, what cat are you talking about? There is no cat there.”
Her parents looked at each other, worried now.
Yuri was getting hysterical, though she did not know why. She felt her heart race and blood was pounding to her head; for some reason she was enraged.
“The cat! It’s yellow! It has yellow fur, with some black stripes and it’s ears are –
Her mother let out a scream as Yuri’s pupils dilated and then rolled back into her head.
“Honey!” screamed Yuri’s mother to her husband, “Do something! Do something quick!”
Yuri collapsed on the floor as the cat on the windowsill vanished.
-----------------------------------------
They were in the hospital, Yuri’s mother and father sitting in chairs next to a bed. Her mother was crying and her father had his eyes closed.
Yuri awoke, feeling weak, like a child.
“Mommy…” she cried weakly.
Her mother’s head shot up as she grasped Yuri’s hand tightly.
“What is it, Yuri? Don’t speak unless you feel well enough to.”
She had not yet stopped crying, and Yuri was confused – like a child should be – like a normal, normal child.
“Don’t cry, mommy.” she mumbled quietly.
Her mother wept uncontrollably as her father’s eyes began to fill with tears.
“M-mommy?”
“..Y-yes?”
“I love you, please don’t cry,” and Yuri smiled at her mother, like children do from time to time.
It was the first time she had felt like a normal child – the first time she had smiled at her mother for no real reason.
It was the first time in many, many years her mother was reminded of how much she loved Yuri.
----------------------
A few days and several Prednisone prescriptions later, Yuri was back at school. It was recess, and Sooyoung was sitting next to her, listening, like she always did.
“…And mommy was crying, but I wasn’t sure why.”
“Maybe she ate an onion!” exclaimed Sooyoung.
“Anyway,” resumed Yuri, “I was counting the dots in the tiles when I was in the hospital. I finally figured it out. I was reading about permutations the other –
“What’s that?”
“Permutations are a sort of mathematical function…”
And the cousins would continue that way for years, until they were both grown. Only now, Yuri was still alone except for Sooyoung, and Sooyoung did not want Yuri to be alone – so she gave up much of she could have had for her cousin, like she had been doing all her life.
-----------
It was winter, and Yuri was visiting for Christmas break, talking to Sooyoung, when the phone rang. She expected it to be her parents, calling to explain why they were running late; that the ham store was packed, that they labored to find the perfect tree; because of traffic. It was not.
Sooyoung drove the girl to the hospital.
Yuri felt confused and hopeless, like a lost child. She could understand anything she read in a textbook, anything she saw in a diagram, but could not process the thought of death.
Her father had been pronounced dead at the scene of the car crash, but Yuri had not yet seen his body, so she did not know quite what it felt like. Instead, she was with her mother, life beeping away.
Yuri grasped her mom’s hand, petting it gently, not knowing what to do. Her mother was unconscious and Yuri could not see the pupils of her eyes – just bloody bandages and IVs and a machine that measured the life left in her.
“Mommy…” her voice was becoming tangled in her thoughts.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“Mommy…when Sooyoung was driving me today, I began to count the cars. I want to do a statistical study, mom, on the comparison of car colors and how it…” She sounded as if she was pleading, now.
Beep. Beep.
“…Mommy? Are you listening? Can you hear me? I think you can, because you are only a few feet away from me and I know that sound waves can travel very very…”
Beep. Beep.
“Okay, mommy. Please. I promise I’ll stop talking about math and science and the world if you just wake up, mommy. Please wake up, please, mommy. I promise…”
Beep.
Beep.
Sooyoung was beginning to sob in the corner of the room.
“Mommy? Please!”
Yuri’s cry was drowned out by a long, fatal, final beep.
It was the first time in her life that she had cried, because she did not know what else to do – she was just a confused, confused child.
-----------------------
There was a sort of lingering death that floated around Yuri wherever she went –a part of the soul that had died; a loss of trust on the part of humanity. There was no one to care for Yuri now, except Sooyoung. She was the only one now who cared enough to sacrifice anything for Yuri – she had been sacrificing all her life, so there would be no difference now. This was how she had been justifying things all her life.
Yuri was working on a paper one day for the community college where she worked after her parent’s death. Sooyoung was sitting on the couch, watching TV blankly, when the phone rang. Yuri looked up, frightened, as Sooyoung spoke with someone on the phone.
“Hello? Yes, this is she. Hmm? Oh, wow, hi.”
There was a long pause and all Yuri could hear was a muffled voice from the over the phone. It made her afraid, the uncertainty of a phone call.
Yuri was still staring at Sooyoung anxiously when she hung up the phone.
“Soo? What is it? Who was what?”
“Yul,” said Sooyoung excitedly, trying to catch her breath, “that was MIT, Yul, MIT!”
“What? Why were they calling?”
“They say they’ve been watching your work, Yuri! They say they want you to come and research for them, at MIT. They’ll provide everything, Yul, everything for us!”
They were “us” now, Sooyoung and Yuri. They had become “us” when Sooyoung believed that their lives were to be interconnected forever. It was Sooyoung’s last hope to live.
“They’ll do that for me, Soo? Everything?” asked Yuri.
“Yes, Yul! Everything! You’ll have a lab, you’ll get to study math and science and they’ll give you everything you need! They’ll give us everything!”
There it was, the “us” again.
“…everything…really? I can have that…?” asked Yuri, staring off into space, thinking of cats and IV machines, of steady beeps and what she had lost.
“Yes, Yul! Everything!”
Yuri looked at Sooyoung in the eyes.
“Okay.” she said, and smiled. It was a smile of hope and possibility.
______________________
Yuri was shivering, hugging her knees, while Sooyoung sat next to her reading a magazine. They were on a train headed to Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Yuri began to rock back and forth, looking around in fear. It was an unknown place, with unknown people. She had never liked people much – only the cat with brown, brown fur. It stayed the same wherever she went, though Sooyoung had long forgotten about the cat.
“Tell me again, Soo. Tell me again.”
Sooyoung looked over at Yuri.
“We have a big apartment, Yuri. And you, you have an office. A huge office. It’s bigger than our old apartment. And you get to work in a lab, with people just like you and they –
“Just like me? They are just like me?” asked Yuri. Her rocking was beginning to slow.
“Well, they like math the same you do, Yul. I think you’ll get along with these people.”
“Do they see that cat, too?”
Yuri had stopped moving and was waiting for Sooyoung’s response.
Sooyoung was not sure how to respond. She looked Yuri in the eyes.
“I don’t think so, Yuri. You’ll have to ask them. But they see other things, Yul, They see things like –
Sooyoung stopped midsentence. Yuri had turned away from her and now was looking out the train window, rocking back and forth with her knees on the seat.
After so many years of having only Yuri to herself, of knowing that Yuri trusted her, she had forgotten that Yuri was alone. There was no one but Sooyoung, and no thing but the cat. She was in denial until now – or perhaps she had merely forgotten that the cat was a reminder of Yuri’s solitude; it would appear when Yuri had no one else, it had followed Yuri wherever she went.
Now, it reminded Sooyoung that they were not “us,” but Yuri and Sooyoung. Sooyoung was not enough for Yuri. Yuri was, and would always, be alone. The cat was there to remind them both of this.
----------------------------
There’s something about that cat.
Yuri was sitting at her desk, looking at a cat in the corner of her office.
Sometimes, the cat would be there at one moment, and when Yuri looked
back down at her work and then up again, it would disappear; so she drew the cat on the wall, so it would always be there with her. It wasn’t the only thing on the walls of her office – she scribbled equations and formulas and rambling thoughts at the nighttime, since she rarely went home now – the cat often disappeared when she was with Sooyoung, and, wanting to be with the cat as much as possible, she slept in her office now, while Sooyoung brought her food and clothes every day.
There was really something about that cat.
Sometimes, Yuri’s colleagues in the math department would try to visit her, but she locked the door and refused to let anyone inside. She looked down when walking in the halls, afraid of letting anyone enter her life; not even for a moment, not even for a glance in time.
Either stay forever or don’t enter at all.
One day, Yuri was working at her desk, as usual, when the doorknob suddenly turned. She let out a whimper and pulled her knees into her chair, rocking back and forth and breathing heavily.
It was Yuri’s boss, who was the head of the math department, and a blonde woman behind him.
“How did you get in here?!” yelled Yuri.
“I’m your boss, Yuri. I have the keys to every door in the building.”
“Who is she?” stammered Yuri, raising a hand and pointing it to the blonde woman standing a few paces behind the man.
The man took a few steps back and motioned for the lady to come forward.
Yuri froze and stopped rocking altogether. Her breaths began to stagger and her mind stopped functioning. Never had a stranger been allowed to be this close to her; she did not want this, was afraid of people leaving and entering her life – did not want to trust anyone or anything besides Sooyoung and the cat.
-----------------
“Hello, Yuri, my name is Jessica. It’s nice to meet you.”
The woman smiled at Yuri.
Yuri could not say a word, was paralyzed by fear.
“She’s here to help you, Yuri.” said the man in the back.
“I d-don’t need h-help! I don’t n-need a-anyone’s help! I already h-have everyone I n-need!”
Yuri stuttered quickly and angrily.
“Yuri, you have to learn to work with people. Not only for this job will you have to cooperate, but also in every other part of your life. It is essential to MIT, and to you, that you learn to work with people. Jessica will help you do that.” said Yuri’s boss.
“What will she do? How will she help me?”
“I’m going to be here for you,” said Jessica suddenly, and kindly, “I’m going to be here and talk to you whenever you need me to.”
Yuri froze again, could not speak.
“Starting tomorrow, I’m going to be here everyday for several hours, to talk to you and anything else you need me to do,” said Jessica.
She smiled at Yuri, and Yuri looked away, shocked and apprehensive of letting her enter her life, even for a glance in time.
-------------------
Yuri was strictly forbidden to lock her door from that day on, and so, the next day, Yuri sat in her chair staring at the door, afraid of working and forgetting the world, afraid that the footsteps in the hall would enter.
Towards the middle of the day, around noontime, there was a clack of stilettos coming down the hall and Yuri knew it was Jessica; she had been wearing stilettos yesterday as well, and no woman in the math department dressed quite like that.
By the time Jessica had closed the door behind her, Yuri was already rocking back and forth in her chair, hugging her knees.
“Yuri? It’s me, Jessica, from yesterday. How are you?”
No response.
Jessica cleared her throat and continued, “May I sit down, Yuri?”
Yuri nodded her head, like a child that could do no else.
Jessica was sitting across the table from Yuri, smiling, while Yuri had her head between her knees, trying not to move, wishing that Jessica would go away.
“Yuri, so how have you been?”
No response.
After several more tries, Jessica fell silent. Instead, she observed Yuri closely, from the girl’s long brown hair to her hands and body; Yuri was long and slender, and if not for her condition she might have been something else entirely.
Yuri saw this happening, and grew uncomfortable. She spun around in her chair and faced the wall, while Jessica wished that she did not have a momentary lapse of reason.
And so they would sit there, hour upon hour, day after day, while Jessica tried to talk to Yuri, and Yuri would say nothing – still paralyzed in fear. After several months, after countless attempts, Yuri stopped rocking back and forth in her chair and looked up – wanting to smile back but not knowing if she could.
She wondered if it would just be for a glance in time, or something much, much more.
-------------------------
One day, Jessica walked in, smiling as usual. Yuri had heard the stilettos and was not shocked anymore – she had grown used to the click-clack sound and knew who was coming.
“Yuri?” smiled Jessica as she sat down, “today, I’m only going to ask you yes or no questions, so you don’t have to say anything, okay? You just have to nod or shake your head. Is that alright?”
Yuri nodded.
“Is science your favorite subject?”
A shake of the head.
“Is it math?”
A nod.
“Okay, I figured because you work in the math department, but almost all of the stuff you do is closely related to science, right?” asked Jessica, smiling.
A nod.
“I see. What is your favorite branch of math?” asked Jessica.
“That’s not a yes or no question, Jessica,” blurted out Yuri, then quickly looking down, surprised at herself, perhaps more than Jessica was.
“That was great, Yuri! Don’t be afraid, let’s talk. What do you want to talk about? Is it math? Respond by speaking, please.”
“Yes. Math.” she was still looking down.
“Okay, what is your favorite branch of math?” asked Jessica again, and for some reason, she was more excited than she had been in months, smiling eagerly and leaning forward, placing her elbows on the desk, directly across from Yuri now.
Yuri backed up in fear – no one ever sat that close to her, not even Sooyoung.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Jessica, noticing her intrusion and withdrawing her elbows from the table. She had not realized she was so eager.
Yuri slowly scooted back to her desk and cleared her throat. She was looking down when she spoke.
“Multivariable.”
“Is that a branch of Calculus?”
“Yes.”
“What is it used for?”
Yuri looked up at Jessica curiously, curiosity overcoming fear.
“You really don’t know?”
Yuri was surprised.
“No, I’ve never been good with numbers, please fill me in.”
“It’s not just numbers, Jessica! It’s, well, everything! It’s used to calculate the grooves in space and time, we can find out the space or lack of space in everything with the Gradient theorem, with Stokes’ theorem, it’s so much better than just calculus, because you can use more than just one variable – the possibilities are endless!”
Jessica could not help smiling as she saw Yuri’s eyes light up. She did not her want to stop talking, not now.
“Oh, that’s fascinating. Is that what you do, Yuri? Multivariable?”
“No, I can’t do anything with only one branch of math, everything is related. It’s beautiful what math can do. For example…”
And Jessica listened while Yuri stuttered on and on about math – Yuri had never found anyone who listened quite like Jessica, since Sooyoung had been dulled by years and years of rambling already.
Yuri had never spoken quite as much in her life as she had spoken now, to Jessica.
Jessica, who never liked math, for some reason, was still smiling as Yuri spoke to her, and she could not know why.
There’s something about that girl.
And there really was something about Yuri.
-----------------------
From that day on, Yuri began to talk to Jessica; began to lean across the table eagerly to talk, started walking around the room, started showing Jessica what she considered the treasures of the universe.
Jessica never stopped smiling.
It was a bright day several months later, when they finally ventured off the subject of math, though only for a little bit.
“Look, Yuri! It’s a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining and –
“No, it’s not. I don’t like the sun.” responded Yuri.
“Why not?”
“It’s…too bright.”
But the real reason was because the sun was replaced by the moon; that the sun could not always be seen; that it left for half the day. Jessica didn’t know this, not yet.
“But what you study is the universe! You say what you study is related to everything, so why don’t you go out and live what you study, beyond the numbers? Why are you afraid?”
“I just d-don’t like it!” exclaimed Yuri. She was getting nervous now, nervous that she would let someone in, someone that could walk right out of her life.
“Yuri. I know better than that. I know you better, and you know yourself –
“Because they all die!”
“What?”
“Everything dies, Jessica. And if it doesn’t die, it leaves me. Even the sun leaves me. Then the moon leaves me. I want something to stay the same forever. Only the cat stays the same. Even Sooyoung changed –
“The cat? What cat?”
“The cat! Well, it’s not here right now. I actually haven’t seen it for a few months, but every time I see it again it never changes –
“Yuri, that’s not good. That cat –
“Why? Why is the cat not good?”
“It means you need to go outside, Yuri. You need to experience life. You need to experience change.
It’s a beautiful thing, the way things change.”
“No!”
Jessica stopped smiling, and her face became serious and composed.
“Yuri, do you trust me?”
Jessica was leaning across the table now, elbows on its surface, eyes looking into Yuri’s own. Yuri did not look away.
“…yes…sort of…”
Jessica began smiling again.
“Okay, then tomorrow, we’re going to go outside.”
“What? No! I don’t –
“Yuri, trust me. I’m not going to leave you. I will always be here for you. I promise. I will be
with you every step of the way, but we just need to go outside, okay?”
Yuri did not respond right away.
“Please, for me?” pleaded Jessica.
Yuri walked around the room, contemplating, then back to Jessica.
A nod of the head.
“Is the park alright?”
Another nod of the head.
Jessica smiled even more brightly than before, and though she didn’t realize it at first, Yuri had begun smiling, too.
---------------------------
The next day Yuri found that she could not sit still. She was pacing back and forth, afraid of the sunlight, afraid that Jessica wouldn’t show, and afraid of the outside world all at once.
Suddenly, the doorknob turned. Yuri leapt back in shock – the sound of stilettos was absent today.
Jessica walked into the room in shorts, sandals, and a tank top and cardigan. Yuri had never noticed Jessica before, not like this.
“Ready, Yuri?” smiled Jessica. She was positively beaming.
Yuri froze.
“Yuri? What’s wrong? You promised, don’t forget that.”
You promised, too. Don’t you forget that either.
Yuri did not respond and moved towards Jessica, nodding her head.
Jessica opened the door, and finally, they walked out into the world.
As they were walking down the hall, Jessica saw that Yuri was shaking from fear and could not walk properly. She did not know why she did it, but Jessica grasped one of Yuri’s hands, tenderly, softly, and looked at Yuri and smiled.
Yuri was paralyzed at first, then looked at Jessica and smiled. Jessica’s hands were surprisingly warm. She liked this feeling, the feeling of security, of trust and everything that she had been missing for so long.
They were in Jessica’s car now, driving towards the park. Yuri was fiddling with the radio.
“What sort of music do you like, Yuri?”
“I like music with clairvoyant vibrations of sound.”
“Do you mean sound waves?”
“Um, yes.”
“All music has sound waves, Yuri. That’s why it’s music. I’m assuming you don’t listen to music much?”
“No, I don’t. I prefer doing math.”
Jessica nodded as she parked the car along the sidewalk.
Yuri exited the car and stood still, afraid to walk any further, until Jessica came towards her and held her hand like she had in the hall.
Jessica stroked her hand and nudged her gently.
“Come on, Yuri, it’s okay. I’m here.” She was smiling at Yuri.
Yuri felt her insecurities and fear fade, returning the smile and taking a long coming step forward.
------------------------------------
Yuri looked at Jessica’s hand. It was small, petite, but very, very warm. She noticed how the contours of Jessica’s hand fit perfectly within hers, and wondered how long they could stay like this.
Either stay forever or don’t come in at all.
They were walking inside the park now, quietly, just walking, with each other.
“So, Yuri, how is the walk so far? Not bad, right?” asked Jessica.
“No, it’s not that bad at all.”
“Do you like kids, Yuri? Kids about the age of those kids over there?” asked Jessica, pointing at
children playing with a ball on the grass. They looked about 7 or 8.
“No, they change too quickly.”
“So you like adults?”
“No, I still don’t like them, but they’re better than kids, at least.”
“So do you like me, Yuri?”
Yuri did not respond immediately, pausing to think before she let Jessica into her life. She looked at their hands, intertwined, and wanted to take a chance.
“Yes, I like you, Jessica.”
Jessica smiled and motioned for them to keep walking, towards the children now.
They eventually reached the bench, moving at their own pace, and enjoying the silence and sitting down. It was not awkward anymore.
“Do you like ice cream, Yuri?”
“Yes! I do, that’s something I like!” exclaimed Yuri excitedly.
“Okay, let’s go get ice cream later, okay? What flavor –
Yuri froze as a ball flew from where the children were to the bench, landing then rolling in the grass, next to her. A little boy was running towards them. He had stopped before he had gotten too close to Yuri.
“Excuse me, ma’am, can you throw me the ball, please?”
Yuri looked to Jessica, not knowing what to do.
Jessica clasped Yuri’s tightly and said “It’s okay, Yuri. I’m with you, remember? Like I promised.”
Yuri smiled with uncertainty as Jessica pulled her up and walked her over to the ball, hands still held tight. It was the first time anyone had talk to Yuri in years, the first time she had contact with someone who was not asked to do so. She was too tense, and Jessica, seeing this, moved to help her.
With her hands on top of Yuri’s, Jessica held the ball with Yuri and threw it at the boy.
“Thanks!” said the boy, and ran off.
Yuri let out a sigh of relief. She looked at Jessica and smiled before sitting down.
“Thank you, Jessica.”
“No problem, Yuri.”
They were still holding hands.
-------------------------
The following days, Yuri would wait for Jessica to arrive – she thought that Jessica had entered her life for good, and wanted to make sure of that, every day.
One day, as Jessica was walking in, Yuri spoke first.
“Hello, Jessica, how are you?”
Jessica smiled in pleasant surprise.
“I’m feeling great, Yuri. You spoke first! That makes me happy. How are you?”
“I’m well, Jessica,” said Yuri, as Jessica took a seat in front of her and they leaned across the table at each other.
It would be like this from that day on, with the two leaning towards each other and looking forward to their time together every day. Yuri finally felt secure; finally felt that someone wanted to listen to her, that someone cared. Yuri thought the cat was gone for good, now.
In time, the monologues moved from math to everything else, with Yuri telling Jessica all about her life. Before Yuri could even realize it, she looked forward to Jessica’s visits more and more, until her work was unimportant and her entire day revolved around Jessica. Yuri wondered if Jessica felt the same, too.
“Jessica,” Yuri asked one day, “what makes you happy?”
Jessica smiled and answered, “You make me happy, Yuri.”
And Yuri really did. There was something about Yuri that drew Jessica to her, she wanted to help her and do all she could for her, but it was still intended to be an innocent response.
Yuri began to notice Jessica more and more; her habits; her physique; her face; her voice and speech. She did not know when she started caring, but it was too sudden and she fell too quickly. Every moment spent with Jessica was pure bliss to Yuri – the thought of the cat was just a shadow of long ago in the back of her mind.
I wonder… if she’ll really be here forever. I want to make sure she stays forever.
Yuri didn’t want to lose Jessica, like she had lost everything else in her life.
-----------------------------------------
Yuri was at home, in her apartment. She had not been there for a while, but was now comfortable enough to leave the office. She trusted that Jessica would be back the next day, was no longer afraid of people – so there was no more reason to be confined in the walls of her office.
Sooyoung was not at home, but Yuri did not mind. She was thinking about Jessica while staring blankly at the TV screen, when suddenly an ad about wedding rings and forever came on the screen.
“…the perfect ring for you and her, forever.”
Yuri stopped.
So that’s how I keep her forever.
---------------------------------
One day Yuri was out of the building before Jessica arrived. She had been saving up for months, learning how to use a credit card, learning how to take a train, learning how to talk to people. Now, she was making her way to a jewelry store.
Maybe, this way, I know that she’ll really be here forever.
Yuri had already picked out a ring. It was a quick process – if it was anything otherwise then Yuri might not have been able to take it – that much contact with society all at once.
She was back in her office now, waiting impatiently. She no longer thought of how anyone might come walking in the door, of how people looked at her when she walked on the streets – she only thought of forever and of Jessica.
This is gravity. It feels like gravity because I can’t help myself, even if I try.
Finally, the doorknob turned and Yuri stood up anxiously.
It has to be gravity, what’s pulling me to her. No one can resist gravity, and gravity is always there, no matter what. Gravity is forever…
----------------------------------------
Jessica was smiling, as usual, as she closed the door behind her and walked to sit down in her usual chair.
Yuri did not greet Jessica first today – she was frozen to the spot and had forgotten how to speak.
“Hi, Yuri! What’s wrong? You seem anxious.”
Yuri swallowed the lump in her throat. Her mouth was dry as she began speaking.
“H-hi, J-Jessica. N-nothing’s w-wrong.” she sounded like she was hiccupping.
“Are you alright? Do you need some water? Let me go buy some for you,” said Jessica, as she quickly
exited the room.
“N-no!” yelled Yuri, but Jessica had already left and did not hear her.
Yuri collapsed in her chair with a sigh, disappointed.
Jessica returned in a few minutes and handed Yuri a bottle of water.
“Here you go, Yul.”
“W-what?”
“Yul. Oh, I’m sorry, do you not like that? I just thought it would be a cute nickname.”
“N-no, it’s fine.”
She was even more nervous now.
Yuri’s hand was shaking even more sporadically than her heart was beating when she opened the
bottle. She put it to her lips and tried to take a sip, but ended up slopping water all over herself, yelping in the process.
“Oh my god! Yuri, are you okay today?” said Jessica, as she grabbed the box of tissues and walked
across the table to Yuri.
“W-what are you d-doing?” asked Yuri, as Jessica approached her, tissues in hand.
“I’m going to clean this up for you, since you obviously are just a bundle of nerves today. Now stay
still.”
It was the worst thing that could happen, with Yuri tensed up in her chair while Jessica was inches
away from her, smiling, and dabbing her shirt with the tissues.
Yuri was afraid to breathe, so she held her breath and inhaled through her nose only. She was
beginning to turn purple after Jessica was finally done – it had seemed like an eternity.
She smells like heaven.
Jessica was giggling as she threw the tissues into a trashcan next to Yuri’s desk and sat down.
Yuri was somewhat calm now, though significantly more flustered.
“Why are you laughing?” asked Yuri.
“Because! You are so cute!” giggled Jessica.
That put an abrupt end to Yuri’s calm. She looked at Jessica, nervously, just beginning to notice
what Jessica was wearing today. She was in a summer dress, not formal, but not casual, either.
Jessica had always worn formal business attire when she met Yuri, except for the day at the park.
She looks like an angel. I wonder if this is a sign.
Yuri cleared her throat and began to speak.
“So, h-how are you?”
“I’m fine, Yuri, honestly, are you alright? You seem anxious. Is there something you want to tell
me?”
“Y-yes. There is, actually.”
“What is it?” Jessica cocked her head to the side and was smiling. This did not help, did not help
at all.
“W-well, I wanted to talk t-to you, about gravity.”
“Gravity? That’s interesting. Tell me about gravity.”
“Gravity…is forever.”
Jessica was still smiling from the other side of the table.
“It…pulls you in, whether or not you like it. For most people, gravity pulls them towards the center
of the earth, and for the earth, gravity pulls in the moon; both of these are pulled towards the
sun.”
Yuri paused to catch her heartbeat. She was gaining confidence now, was sure of forever.
“Go on, Yuri.” said Jessica.
“So you see, everyone has a different gravity, so to speak. Everyone is pulled to something whether
or not they want to. They can’t help it. Gravity is forever – and it is the center of the universe.
All the centers of our universes are different, and the center of my world is –
*ring ring*
It was Jessica’s phone.
“Oh, shoot! I’m sorry, Yuri, but I really have to take this call. Give me a moment, okay?”
“O-Okay,” said Yuri, slightly crestfallen.
Jessica left the room, leaving Yuri behind.
Yuri was disappointed, but determined nonetheless. She would continue when Jessica returned. She had gone too far now to go back; too far not to shoot for forever.
After several minutes, Jessica returned. As she was walking through the door, Yuri did not know if
it was her imagination, but Jessica was positively glowing and smiling more widely than she had ever
seen her. Jessica sat down and faced Yuri, still elated.
Jessica opened her mouth to speak, but Yuri cut her off.
“What were you –
“Who was that, Jessica? May I know?”
Jessica began to blush.
“Oh, no one, just this…person,” said Jessica.
“What person, Jessica?”
Why can’t I make her smile like that?
“It was my fiancé, Yuri,” smiled Jessica.
Yuri felt her world start to collapse.
“W-what?” stuttered Yuri.
“My fiancé, he proposed last night, and today I finally get to meet his parents after we’re done
here, Yuri. He was just calling to confirm.”
“I-Is that w-why you’re s-smiling, J-Jessica? B-Because of him?” stammered Yuri.
“Yes, Yuri. I’m so happy, just so happy. I hope you get to feel what I’m feeling someday.”
Yuri could not speak any more, and looked down at the floor. Her body became limp and weak and she
was trying not to cry, did not want to cry for the second time in her life – did not want to feel
helpless.
“Yuri? Are you alright?” asked Jessica, concerned.
“I, uh, I’m fine, Jessica,” said Yuri, trying to remain composed, “I think I’m not feeling too well.
Do you mind if we end it here?”
Jessica peered at Yuri curiously, and after a few long glances of time, nodded her head and stood
up.
“Okay, Yuri. You know you can call me if you want to talk about anything, right?”
Yuri nodded while still staring at the floor.
“Alright, goodbye Yuri.”
Jessica exited, leaving Yuri broken, still in the walls of her office.
Either stay forever or don’t enter at all. Why did I let her in?
Yuri began to cry in misery, like a child who could do no else. She picked up the phone and called
Sooyoung; wondering if she was still there, or if she was gone; if she had left like everything else
in Yuri’s life.
With her other hand, she flung the ring box into the corner of her room, where a cat with yellow,
yellow fur and black stripes was sitting – like it always had been, like it always would be.
------------------------------------
THE END
Blind Love
Jessica was sitting in the back of her math class trying to sleep, wondering how long it would take for her attention span to be exhausted.
So pointless…
It had been 18 years of obedience. 18 years of proper, ladylike behavior – 18 years of what she considered mental servitude. She was tired and annoyed.
I want to be set free.
That was what Tiffany was to Jessica. They had known each other for 3 years, 3 years where Jessica finally felt freedom, even if it was only for a little bit. She dreamed of Tiffany as she drifted off to sleep.
----------------------------
“Jessica….Jessica…. Jessica!”
Her mother was frustrated.
“Yes, mother?” she sounded irritated.
“I’m getting tired of your attitude, young lady. I don’t even have to yell at you and you give me attitude. I swear - it’s that Tiffany girl. Ever since you two started dating –
“Whatever.”
“Go to your room, Jessica. Now! I’m sick of this.”
Jessica had everything except the “freedom” she thought she didn’t have. She was spoiled, to the point where she could not see that the world had already given everything to her – she wanted to feel something she had never felt before – and that was Tiffany.
---------------------------------
Jessica had a pet bird that lived in her room. She was sticking food through the cage bars when her father knocked on the door.
“Jessica? I’m coming in, okay?”
“No.”
He entered anyway, closing the door behind him and sitting on the edge of the bed, facing his daughter.
“Jessica. Your mother and I have decided on something. We think it will be benefiting to you, and we want you to listen, okay?”
“Do I even have a choice?”
“Jessi, just listen, okay?”
“Don’t call me that!”
“Fine. Here I am, trying to have a conversation with you, but you won’t even give me a shred of respect.”
“Whatever,” retorted Jessica.
“You will be volunteering in my hospital for a while.”
“What? Why do I have to do that? I don’t want to do that!”
“Jessica. Listen. We are doing this –
“How much more freedom could you possibly take from me?!”
“What are you talking about? We’ve given you everything. We gave you a car for your 16th birthday and you sneak out at night to be with Tiffany. We leave the house for a weekend and you throw a party. We ask you to study, and all you do is go out. We gave you as much allowance as you wanted, paid for almost everything a young lady could want, and all you do is complain about freedom? You have so much more than many people, Jessica, don’t you forget that. What is freedom to you? What freedom do you want?”
“Tiffany is freedom to me. I feel free when I’m with her.”
“Jessica. That’s not freedom. It’s rebellion against us. Look at it this way: you have a pet bird, and the bird lives in a cage. You feed the bird, spoil it. You give it everything it could possibly want, but it is only in the bird’s instinct to want to be free. But what will happen if you open the doors of the cage and let the bird be free? It will fly away. It will surely be killed in the society we live in. So, you let the bird be free, like it wants, but the freedom kills it. Too much freedom is not a good thing.”
“So I’m a bird?”
“No, that was an analogy. You are not a bird. You are a human. But you are also my child, and I will make sure that you value freedom when you leave high school, so you don’t waste it away. Freedom is a privilege, and you need to appreciate it.”
“Dad! The hospital is not necessary. I don’t need it!”
“I think you do. We think you do. You can not argue your way out of this one, Jessica. You start next week after school.”
Jessica wanted to protest, but knew that the battle was lost. She began crying in self-pity when her father left the room. She was looking at the bird and wondered if it was like her, or if she really had much, much more…
-------------------------------
It was 1AM when Jessica’s phone vibrated violently on her table, waking her up.
It was a text message from Tiffany, and Jessica’s annoyance faded.
Jessi. I’m outside your house. You better be awake. Let’s go out.
No, I can’t right now. I’m grounded. My parents are going to kill me.
Come on! Don’t be such a little daddy’s girl. I’m waiting outside. Don’t make me wait.
Jessica was still wondering if it was worth it as she was putting on a jacket. She passed by her bird’s cage as she was on her way to her door.
I wonder what would happen if I really did set you free…
¬-----------------------------------
Jessica came home at around 5AM, after getting drunk with Tiffany. She didn’t like alcohol, but Tiffany said it felt good, so she drank whenever she was told to.
She stumbled through the door, and tried to make her way upstairs when she realized that her parents were already up, sitting in the living room. She was really in trouble now.
It was decided, after not much argument and plenty of shame, that Jessica was going to start volunteering at the hospital that same day – her parents thought it unwise to let Jessica be too free any longer; only cell bars could make her appreciate open air.
That day, after school, Jessica’s chauffeur picked her up and took her to the hospital. She was resigned and tired and determined not to cooperate.
She went to her father’s office, sat down in a chair in front of his desk, and waited for him to speak.
“Jessica, you will be helping a car crash victim. You need to talk to her, help her through her recovery, and just do some very basic things, alright? I’m not making you do much, just…try to be helpful, okay? This is not for me, it’s for you.”
Jessica nodded.
“The girl’s name is Yuri. Kwon Yuri. She’s in the ICU ward, room 37A. Go now.”
Jessica left without saying a word and made her way to the elevator. She watched the doors close and was beginning to feel like a caged bird.
-------------------------------------
Yuri was lying in her bed, thinking thoughts of sight and wondering if it was possible to feel what could be seen. Her thoughts lingered in the distance, though she no longer could tell where that was.
It was pitch black as she tried to imagine what the ceiling looked like, but the dots in the tiles were emptiness and consumed her. Ironic, how emptiness can fill someone up – similar to how hot only feels hot after cold is felt, to how free is more free to those who have been locked up.
She was wondering how she could find her way in the darkness without light when she heard someone enter her room. Her heart leapt, thinking it was her parents.
They visited me? Wow.
And Yuri began smiling at the very feeling of being cared for.
“Hello, Yuri.”
It was not the voice of her mother or her father. Her heart sank a little bit, but she did not mind – even for a moment, it was higher than she had ever felt before.
“Hello. Doctor?”
“No, not a doctor. I’m a volunteer here. I will be helping you through your recovery.”
It was a female voice – the voice sounded dead. Dead and bored. She tried to picture what it would look like, but could not.
“Oh, okay. Thank you very much, uh –
“Jessica. My name is Jessica.”
“Thank you, Jessica.”
“Mhhhm.”
Yuri felt care, even if it was from a total stranger. Even when she could see, she had never felt that before.
Maybe I can feel what I have never seen. Not all is lost.
Jessica was observing the girl on the bed, now, head covered in bandages, sunken a little bit where the eyes were meant to be. It scared her and she wondered what she would she do if she could not see.
Yuri shifted nervously, afraid of the silence. She could no longer see what was coming, but could not speak because she had never been sociable in the first place, just quiet and silent, wishing for care and hope all her life.
Jessica was still sitting quietly, not minding the silence and thinking about birds and cages, thinking about her own cages and feeling like a bird.
Self-pity became a quiet, quiet affair as the silence drowned out all speech.
-----------------------------
The next day, Yuri had moved on to thinking about silence, and not blindness. She wondered if silence was the loss of hearing or the choice to not speak. She wondered if she would be able to speak if she lost another vital function, wondering if any functions were vital at all, and wondering why Jessica was so quiet if she had everything that Yuri wanted but no longer had.
“Yuri.”
“Yes? Jessica? Is that you?” asked Yuri.
“Yes. I have a personal question to ask you.”
Even when she had eyesight, Yuri could never tell what was coming when someone said something like that.
“Go ahead.” said Yuri.
“What does it feel like? Can you see anything? I’m sorry if I’m being rude, but I just want to know. I’m just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“It feels like everything I’ve ever seen in my life, but put all together and yet nothing at the same time. I can see many, many things because I can feel many, many things. I see darkness if my mind can not see anything, but when I try to imagine it all, I can see everything, maybe even more than you can.”
“What?”
Jessica was confused.
“Imagine a bird,” started Yuri.
Jessica shifted nervously in her chair.
“Are you imaging the bird? Close your eyes, Jessica.”
And Jessica closed her eyes. She saw herself.
“This bird has been flying free all its life, trying just to survive. But one day, the bird is captured and put into captivity, into a zoo. The zoo, also, has an area to fly in, but it is confined and closed and the bird dreams of the sky again but knows it can never experience it again. Suddenly, the memories of every moment – every inkling of freedom and flight return to that bird, and it now knows the real meaning of being free. That is what I feel. Now that I can’t see, I know what it means to really see, and that is why I say that I can see maybe even more than you, or anyone else who has been walking around with their eyes shut.”
Jessica stayed silent. She did not know how to feel, keeping her eyes closed and trying to remember the feeling of being free, of flight – but she realized that her wings had never been clipped, that she was never truly caged in. She grew afraid of Yuri, as when refined society meets brutal nature – too different, too contradicting, too free for her. She did not want to be around Yuri anymore, a reminder of birds and cages and flight, of why the caged bird dreams of long lost freedom.
--------------------------------
Yuri was trying to be free, was trying to practice moving around by herself in the hospital. She knew that care would not be around forever. She was feeling the walls of the hospital, walking, trying to make her way to the restroom. Jessica had not arrived yet, and if she had, Yuri would have asked her for directions, but there was no one now. She was just walking around, blindly, even more blindly than she should have been, searching for something she could not see. Suddenly, she heard Jessica’s voice from a room across the hall. Yuri stumbled across the hall and waited outside the door where Jessica was.
“…No, I need to get out. Nurse, please, change my room.”
“Why, Jessica? Yuri is a nice girl, and not dependent. She doesn’t ask anyone for anything and she has a nice heart. Why would you want a different patient?”
Yuri’s heart was sinking to depths unknown as she listened, and wished that she could not hear, could not feel.
Jessica, inside the room, was standing over the head nurse’s desk, flustered and frustrated.
“Because! She’s too quiet.”
Indeed, the silence and not knowing everything that Yuri knew made her uneasy.
“What?” exclaimed the nurse, “That makes absolutely no sense. You should be the one talking to her.”
“No, you don’t understand. There’s nothing to talk about. She’s blind. I’m not. There is nothing we have in common. What can I do?”
Jessica could do a lot for the blind girl, though she did not know it. She could have shown her freedom in ways unknown, as a caged bird sings a song longing for freedom; Jessica held the keys to Yuri’s cage and Yuri could teach Jessica how to fly. But she did not know, as the missing had never arrived and she could not miss what she never had.
“Jessica! You are being selfish. Now go back to your post and be kind.”
Jessica huffed in anger and left the room, stopping dead when she turned and saw Yuri just outside the door. She was sunken to the floor, lower than she had ever been.
“Yuri!” exclaimed Jessica, “w-what are you doing out here?”
“I’m just…thinking, feeling, you know?”
Jessica was at a loss for words as the head nurse walked out, even more shocked than Jessica was.
“I’m sorry, Yuri, I’m so sorry,” stammered Jessica; and she could not have been more honest.
“It’s okay, Jessica.” Yuri was smiling sadly on the floor.
After all, Yuri still had those thoughts of freedom, those memories in the distance that lifted her up. She would learn to fly again; she had done it once, was determined to do it again.
------------------------------------
Jessica’s father was told of her misdoing, and her service at the hospital was to be extended till whenever Yuri was done healing.
She was sitting, quietly, like she always was, watching Yuri. Yuri never asked her for anything, did not want to burden Jessica with all her thoughts of freedom.
Yuri was attempting to drink water, fumbling all over herself and spilling on her robe. Jessica wondered if Yuri could manage by herself, did not know whether to pity Yuri’s blindness or admire her perseverance. She had not yet realized that she could do both.
“Yuri.”
Yuri stopped and put the cup down as Jessica walked to the bed.
“What, Jessica?”
“Stay still,” said Jessica, as she helped Yuri drink the water.
“Thanks,” said Yuri, smiling.
Jessica returned the smile, but remembered that Yuri could not see.
“You’re welcome,” said Jessica.
And freedom needs slavery like the cage needs a prisoner…
-------------------------------------
Jessica helped Yuri out more frequently now, with all the basic things that Yuri needed, hoping that Yuri would give her something much, much more in return. But she never voiced this desire. Yuri still could not feel everything, had not been missing sight long enough to feel everything that was possible.
One day, Jessica had resolved to talk to Yuri, to ask her about her dreams and ask her what it felt like –flying and freedom.
She was going to read Yuri a poem, and ask her all the things she wanted to feel, since Yuri could feel more than Jessica could see.
“Yuri,” said Jessica, “how are you feeling today?”
Yuri sat up in her bed, smiling.
“I’m fine, Jessica. How are you?” responded Yuri.
“I’m great, I just wanted to try something today.”
“What is it?” asked Yuri.
“I’m going to read you something, is that alright?”
Yuri chuckled.
“I would like that. Thank you very much, Jessica.”
The free bird leaps
On the back of the wind
And floats downstream
….
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
Jessica closed her book and looked at Yuri.
Yuri was smiling happily, and Jessica was shocked – she had expected fearful revelation and longing.
“Do I remind you of the caged bird, Jessica?” asked Yuri.
Jessica did not respond right away.
“It’s okay, Jessica,” started Yuri, “you can be honest with be. I can feel it, anyhow.”
“Yes, you remind me of the caged bird.” replied Jessica.
“Would you like me to tell you why I’m not like the caged bird, Jessica?”
“Yes, please.”
“The bird is singing of things unknown. I am not. I know what it means to be free, I have known since the car crash. I can fly because I have flown before, I have no cages to confine me because I have been in and out of cages and no bars can restrain me anymore.”
Jessica sat quiet, thinking.
“You are the caged bird, Jessica,” said Yuri sorrowfully, “you do not know this, but you are indeed caged, because you have never been caged. Let me explain. You think you are free, but how can you be free if it has been the only thing you’ve ever known? If you live in the snow it eventually becomes no longer cold, but just normal. If I lived in the desert and suddenly was placed in snow, then it would feel cold, like it would be burning if someone who has only known snow moved to the desert.”
Yuri paused, trying to feel Jessica’s thoughts.
“You sing to me, Jessica, and I can hear you, show you, what it means to be free.”
Yuri was smiling an unnerving smile, as Jessica could not find the right words to say, wondering about distant hills in a fearful trill.
--------------------------------------
The next day Jessica arrived at the hospital and headed to Yuri’s room, wanting to finally ask Yuri how to fly and be free, but Yuri was gone. She had been discharged already, leaving Jessica disappointed and confused. She did not want to return to the world yet, not even knowing how to fly.
Jessica headed to her father’s office, and sat down in the chair in front of him.
“Father.”
“Yes, Jessica?”
“May I have Yuri’s address, please? The girl I was caring for?”
“Why would you want that, Jessica? I thought you didn’t like the girl.”
“I need to ask her something. Please, it’s very urgent.”
“I can’t do that Jessica. That’s violating patient privacy. Illegal disclosure. You know this.”
“Father! Please!”
She was desperate now and wondered if her father could feel her need. Yuri would have been able to.
“No, Jessica. But I’m glad that you seem to have learned something from her.”
Jessica sighed in defeat and left the office.
I haven’t even learned anything yet.
-----------------------------
With her hospital duty over, Jessica returned back to everything she knew before, but the longing for freedom had been instilled already – there was no getting away from it now.
She returned to Tiffany, with a certain coldness and desire, but Tiffany could not sense that. She could never sense anything, really, besides Jessica’s attempt at rebellion.
She returned to all her old habits, but, in essence, stopped rebelling. She did not respond at 2AM in the morning when Tiffany texted her, did not get drunk when she was told to, did not do anything except shower Tiffany with her presence. But, of course, Tiffany could not sense this, never sensed anything much.
One day, the two were at the mall, going down the escalator. It had been a long day of shopping and doing not much else – there was hardly any conversation now that they found out there was nothing to talk about; Jessica wanted to speak of freedom and Tiffany wanted to speak of rebellion.
Jessica leaned on the railing and closed her eyes, seeing a bird in the distance.
They got off the escalator, and as Jessica opened her eyes, she saw a familiar figure standing near a fountain in the distance.
Jessica dragged a confused Tiffany over to Yuri, who was holding a sign for a store upstairs in the mall.
She looked lost.
“Yuri.”
Yuri looked in Jessica’s direction and smiled.
“Jessica? I had a feeling you would be coming back.”
Tiffany raised her eyebrows and looked at Jessica.
Once again, Yuri had struck her speechless.
---------------------------
Yuri was wearing dark sunglasses, still smiling. Jessica cleared her throat and spoke.
“What are you doing, Yuri?”
“I am living, Jessica, just thinking, feeling….you know?”
“I meant, why are you holding that sign?”
“I am working, Jessica, so I can pay for the hospital bill. Have you learned to fly yet?”
“No, Yuri –
But she could not finish her sentence; Tiffany was dragging her away from Yuri, so she could keep her, did not want her to be free.
And Jessica closed her eyes in regret, wondering if freedom would be waiting forever.
-------------------------------------
Several days later, Jessica and Tiffany were sitting in a restaurant booth – Tiffany on her phone and Jessica closing her eyes, dreaming of freedom – when, suddenly, there was a crashing of dishes from several tables behind. Tiffany looked up, and Jessica awoke, both searching for the source of the disturbance.
Yuri was holding a tray, and in front of her was an angry woman whose shirt was soaked.
“Oh my God! My shirt, stupid! Watch where you’re going!”
“I’m sorry, ma’am, I did not see you.” responded Yuri, trying to remain calm.
“Didn’t see me? What? Don’t lie, you *****! I just stood up, right in front of you!”
Yuri could do nothing, could see nothing and feel nothing but anger and hatred.
Jessica inhaled sharply as the woman slapped Yuri, knocking off her dark glasses, and sending Yuri into a frenzy, scrambling on the floor to find her glasses.
The manager, noticing the disturbance, took action and was now walking towards Yuri, enraged.
“Yuri!” he yelled, “What are you doing, you useless girl?!?”
He had reached her now, and just as Yuri was about to grasp her glasses, he crushed them with his shoe.
“There! You can’t even see, why bother wearing those? Why did we even hire such a useless employee? Get out! Get out, now!”
He turned to the woman and apologized, while the restaurant watched as Yuri stood up in disgrace, leaving with no glasses – blind to the world and the world blind to her.
Jessica closed her eyes, looking for the bird in her thoughts, hoping that it would fly on.
There was nothing else to be done – she could not help Yuri anymore than she knew how to fly.
--------------------------------
Jessica wanted to know freedom more than anything, and so she grew quiet and spent most of her time with eyes closed, thinking of birds and flight. She did not want to rebel anymore, wanted to be set free on her own terms – so she stopped arguing and fighting and bickering with her parents, saw Tiffany less and less.
One day, Jessica was walking alone, just her and her thoughts, closing her eyes and dreaming, when suddenly she opened her eyes and saw Yuri in the distance.
She wanted to run to her, was about to, when she saw a group of people approach Yuri.
She felt helpless as she saw the confrontation, had left her phone at home, and there was no one to help her be free now. So Jessica watched as Yuri was beaten, helpless, and then robbed.
She ran to Yuri after the gang had left, broken and bruised on the floor.
“Yuri!”
“Jessica?” said Yuri, with a bloody smile, “I had a feeling you would be coming soon.”
Jessica began to cry. She did not know why it hurt her more than anything to see Yuri broken; did not know that it was because even the caged bird still wishes the best for the freed birds; still can be hopeful in times of despair; still can sing through its bars.
Yuri smiled a trembling, bloody smile as Jessica held on to her.
------------------------------
Yuri asked to be taken to the hospital, and when they arrived, Yuri asked not to be taken to the emergency ward like Jessica had expected, but instead, to the hospital accountant.
“Why are we here, Yuri? You should be in the emergency room.” said Jessica.
“Just show me the door, Jessica.”
Jessica led the way into the accountant’s office, and sat next to Yuri when they entered.
“How can I help you?” asked the man, surveying Yuri with concern from behind his desk,
“I’m here to ask for an extended payment,” said Yuri.
Jessica looked at Yuri in shock, realizing that all she had worked for had been taken away, and wondered how many clips it took to render a free bird flightless and caged.
“Name?” asked the man.
“Kwon Yuri.”
He looked through some files and shook his head.
“I’m sorry, miss, but there’s nothing we can do for you anymore. The payment is long overdue, and if you do not pay within the month, there will be severe consequences – possibly litigation.”
Yuri looked down at the floor, at nothing at all, and was about to stand up when Jessica spoke.
“Isn’t there anything you can do? Anything at all?” asked Jessica, frantically.
“No, I’m sorry, ma’am, though you can try begging to the hospital director, as if that will do –
“Thank you, I think that’s what I will do,” said Jessica, “may I use the phone?”
-----------------------------------
“Come with me to the emergency ward, Yuri,” said Jessica.
“No, I just want to go home, please.”
“Yuri! Listen to me –
“No, Jessica, trust me, it’s better this way, I don’t want to be a burden to anyone any longer. I’m going to pay you back, Jessica, sooner or later.”
“No, Yuri, you don’t have to pay me back, you don’t have to do anything!”
Yuri smiled sadly.
“Well, then can I go home?”
“Okay, how will you get there? Do you want me to take you?”
Jessica sighed in defeat.
“If you can,” said Yuri, nodding.
Jessica called her chauffer from the hospital phone, and they sat in the entrance lobby, waiting together but still not knowing what to say to each other.
They were sitting in the back of Jessica’s car now, with Jessica wondering how Yuri smiled through everything.
“Yuri,” asked Jessica, “what’s your address?”
Yuri told her. Her house was in a rut of town, owned by crime and defeat. It was a miracle how a free bird could come from such a place.
Jessica smiled shakily as Yuri exited the car and entered her apartment building. It was run-down and looked like everything Yuri was not.
The chauffer took Jessica back home, even more confused than before, only to grow quieter and more reserved, only to yearn more and more for freedom.
---------------------------------
Jessica ended her relationship with Tiffany the next day, much to her parent’s delight. A week after the breakup, the Jung family was taking a nighttime walk to the park, like they had many, many years ago when Jessica and Krystal were still children.
Jessica was smiling, blissful and happy with her family, when she was saw an ice cream stand near a light post in the park. Under it stood a familiar figure and she wondered if it could be true.
She approached the stand, and upon reaching it, realized that it was indeed Yuri.
“Yuri?!?” she asked, shocked.
“Ah, it’s you again, Jessica.”
But this time, Yuri was smiling a weak smile, and that scared Jessica more than anything.
“Yuri! Why are you working? Why are you here? The hospital bill is paid for!”
“I don’t have anything, Jessica.”
“What do you mean, Yuri?” asked Jessica.
“I need to pay for rent, Jessica.”
Jessica noticed Yuri’s features now; they were not like she had remembered. Yuri had become thin and pale, she looked like she could be dying and no one would know. Jessica wondered if she was still flying, if she could keep on despite all that was happening to her.
Jessica’s family was approaching now, wondering what the holdup was. Jessica grew silent and watched as they bought ice cream, and then left with them. She did not say good bye to Yuri, hoped that she would have a chance in the future to be free.
------------------------------
Jessica was 23 now, had learned to appreciate having no restraints, appreciate the freedom she had. Jessica had not seen nor heard of Yuri since the night at the park, but the thought of the bird in the distance still lingered in her mind somewhere.
She had taken over her father’s business, and expanded it beyond his wildest dreams. She was sitting in her office one day during her break; with eyes closed, dreaming of something in the distance, when her assistant knocked.
“Ms. Jung?”
“Yes?”
“There’s a package for you. It says ‘urgent,’ do you want to see it now?”
“Fine. Thank you.”
The assistant entered and handed Jessica a package – it was a large, light envelope. Jessica opened it curiously; she had not been expecting anything. She looked at the sender’s name and felt her heart skip a beat.
Kwon Yuri
Inside the envelope was a wad of cash with a note that said, “Thanks for being patient. Here’s the money I owe you and your father. I hope you haven’t forgotten.”
Jessica had not forgotten – freedom is remembered forever.
-----------------------
Jessica left her office, almost immediately, and punched in the address in her GPS. It was out of town.
For the past several years, she was trying to enjoy freedom, trying to appreciate it, but now she realized that it was just out of the distance – that she had never truly felt it.
If you won’t come to me, I’ll come to you.
She pulled up to Yuri’s address. It was in the midst of a set of cottages, on the beach – it was a diner nearby. She walked into the diner, waiting to be seated and wondering if Yuri was there, requesting the booth by the window, so she could look at the sea.
After several minutes, her server walked up to her.
“Excuse me, ma’am, may I take your order?”
“Yuri. I had a feeling you would come.”
Jessica was smiling brightly as Yuri’s face lit up.
---------------------------------
They were sitting in Yuri’s cottage now, alone, but this time, they had much to say. Yuri had grown quite a bit since Jessica last saw her – in a good way.
They were catching up on years of not seeing each other, of being kept from freedom.
“So how have you been, Yuri?” Jessica asked.
“I’ve been great, Jessica. And yourself?”
“Same, same. What brought you to the beach, Yuri? To the diner?”
“City life did.”
“What?”
“City life was too expensive, so it brought me to the diner on the beach. It’s owned by a very nice couple. Elderly, but very nice.”
And they talked on, for hours and hours, wanting to be free from life and experience all they had been missing, wanting to feel what it meant to fly.
------------------------------
The conversation was coming to a close now, and the sun was just beginning to set in the sky, whether or not Yuri could see it.
Jessica had moved right next to Yuri on the couch, was staring at her while she sat there – in all her freedom and glory. The sun was shining on Yuri’s face, her features, and brought to light what Jessica had been afraid to admit to herself all these years – Jessica wanted to feel freedom for too long, and now, it was sitting right in front of her. She was not too afraid this time, to grasp it, to feel it – no longer in the distance.
“The sunset is beautiful, Yuri.” said Jessica.
“I wish I could see it. But I can only feel it. I wish I could see lots of things…”
“Do you wonder what I look like, Yuri?” asked Jessica.
“Yes, actually, I do. But that is impossible, I know.”
“No, it’s not, Yuri.” said Jessica.
“What do you mean?”
“Pretend I am like the sunset, Yuri. Even if you can’t see me, you can still feel me.”
And Yuri was speechless as Jessica removed her sunglasses and put them on the table. Yuri felt exposed, open – free. She was beginning to feel what she had not felt in a long, long time.
Jessica grasped Yuri’s hand, sunlight rays shining on them both, and ran it through her hair.
“Do you still remember the color of sunlight, Yuri?”
“Yes, it’s bright, lovely.”
“My hair is that color, Yuri – it’s the color of sunlight.”
Yuri nodded.
“Show me more, Jessica.”
And Yuri’s hands acted on their own accord now, feeling Jessica and freedom like she always wanted to, as Jessica pushed her down on the couch; moving on top of her, wanting freedom of her own, as well.
Jessica was removing Yuri’s clothes now, everything, so she could really be free.
When Jessica had finished giving Yuri all the freedom she wanted – with her hands, and everything she had to offer – it was Jessica’s turn. Yuri was still breathing heavily when she moved on top of Jessica.
“Since I can’t see you, I’ll just have to feel you.”
And they took their sweet time, till long past the sun went down and freedom was at long last consummated – it had been a long time coming and would be long to go.
-----------------------
THE END
Stripped
It was a Friday, 7AM. Yuri was walking into her office on the top floor, after having about 3 hours of sleep and two cups of coffee. There was a stack of papers one foot high, sitting on her desk, mocking her. It was a typical day.
She ignored her secretary and shut the door behind her, collapsing on the chair and groaning. She needed 5 minutes to herself before she would overload with work again. She closed her eyes as the time passed, then looked at her agenda for the day and sighed, frustrated.
Meeting upon meeting, day after day, she was worn out and disappointed.
I need a break.
“Ms. Kwon?” called her secretary, “phone call on line 1 for you.”
Yuri jerked upright in her chair and picked up the phone.
It was another typical, worn out day.
----------------------
Corporate life was not how Yuri expected it to be. She thought being a high-powered executive with authority would satisfy her every desire; it had not. She was exhausted of the same dull, boring routine every single day of her misery. She was sick of her coworkers, her bosses, and just about everyone else she ever came into contact with, with the exception of several close friends.
Later that same day, Yuri walked out of the board room wanting to rip her hair out, thankful that it was finally her lunch break – the only time of day she ever looked forward to.
She was sitting down in a restaurant, across from a close friend.
“How was your day so far?” asked the friend.
“Miserable.” responded Yuri.
“Hmm…So that means normal?”
“F*ck you.”
“I’m sorry you don’t enjoy office life, its like –
“It’s like a cage. A f*cking cage. The people are like robots, I’m like a damn robot! I do the same damn thing every single damn day, meet the same damn people – I never find anything new or exciting in my life. My life is going nowhere. I need to find something to do, something to get rid of all this stress.”
Yuri ended her rant by sighing and staring blankly out the window, wishing something would come and save her.
“Well, you know,” her friend started, “you can’t expect your life to get better on its own – the stress isn’t just going to evaporate. You have to do something about it. Take action, know what I mean?”
“No, actually I don’t.” retorted Yuri.
Her friend chuckled.
“What?” said Yuri, “Tell me.”
“Well, I would recommend a strip club, but I don’t know if that’s your –
“What’s the name and address of this place?” asked Yuri.
From the across the table, a pair of eyebrows rose and a smirk began to form.
----------------
It was 10PM when Yuri left the office, getting in her car and punching in the club’s address into her GPS.
Yuri yawned while driving; wondering if this would do anything for her, wondering exactly what she needed to jumpstart her life again. She had not always been like this. She was not always so cold, not always so withdrawn and dissatisfied with her life.
She was alone, though she wasn’t sure how. She had achieved everything she thought she needed to, had succeeded beyond her wildest dreams; and yet…there was a yearning she could not clearly distinguish – it fluctuated from pain, to loneliness, to desire, to lust, to love – but she did not know, was not yet aware, although there was a time, so long ago she could not remember the touch, the feel of having someone in her life that completed her. It had been a long time since she had wanted something, someone to make her feel like she had a reason worth living for. It had been a long time since she had stopped working for even one moment to think about herself, so that now she had forgotten her purpose in everything.
----------------
The club was a long way from her office building, which was situated in a metropolitan area swarming with what only looked alive at first sight, becoming hollow and empty over the course of several glances. It was not the buildings – for buildings are the same everywhere – but the people that made it this way.
Yuri needed to escape, needed to be alive and free again, needed to be away from all the glaring sunlight of day that showed everything she did not want to see. Yuri needed the night.
The road started brightly lit, so that she could easily see her path even though night was fast coming; and as she went deeper and deeper into the city, closer to her destination, the lights began to dim and did not appear as frequently; so she felt like she was driving into an abyss, an unknown; something that had never been experienced, something breaking from the routine of her everyday life. Only the car’s headlights led her way now, as she drove deeper and deeper, more and more rapidly; fearful but not wanting to turn back. The mystery was welcome to her, now, pulling her in like never before, pulling her in like a black hole sucks in all that comes too near. She could not help but to be apprehensive and curious at the same time, could not help but to want to break the cycle of stagnancy that was her life; wanting to release all her worries and nourish all her long held yearnings – if she could finally find out what they were. The release was near.
Yuri saw the district where the club was located long before she actually reached it. It was like a firework amidst the dark night – shining like a beacon for all who sought it. From afar, there was darkness all around, except for the blotch in the middle of the city – in the middle of life, that would strike any wanderer like no else could.
She parked along the sidewalk, near the strip club and made her way inside. There was something in the darkness that was alluring – seducing, even – that she appreciated; like the air of danger that floats around the thrill, like the adrenaline that comes with the rush, like the high in the midst of ecstasy.
Yuri found herself sitting next to the bar – drink in hand with several empty glasses on the table in front of her – in a pit below a stage. At the front was a lone pole. It was a narrow, narrow stage that was connected to a much larger one – by a sort of walkway – and on the stage was dancers. There she sat, watching the girls come and go. The alcohol was reaching its mellowing stage and she was beginning to feel relaxed, had not felt relaxed in a long, long time.
She glanced at her watch. It was midnight now, the time of freedom, of release, of the unknown. Yuri did not know if it was the alcohol, but the lights seemed to get even darker, yet more potent, if possible, as a new dancer pranced towards the end of the stage – and Yuri could do nothing but stare in mystification.
It must be the alcohol.
-----------------
The girl had blonde hair, was strutting to the front of the catwalk. Yuri could not help but to wonder what she was, eyes and mouth open in awe.
Wow.
She was wearing only lingerie as she looked down at Yuri and smiled. The lights were flashing, and her skin looked porcelain, maybe even marble – Yuri wondered what she felt like.
The girl proceeded to do things that Yuri did not dare even think about, slithering along the pole, str*pping all the while. She was naked now, and Yuri’s heart was beginning to race, and blood was rushing to her head.
This continued until early in the morning and Yuri had begun to sweat, frustrated and burning. Her eyelids were getting heavy from the alcohol, and she could have sworn the girl winked at her before leaving.
I need to get out of here.
--------------
Yuri left the club that night drowning in ecstasy. She did not know if it was the alcohol, the lights, the club, or the blonde stripper that made her this way, but she wanted to find out. She was groggy behind the wheel, swerving back and forth on the road; trying to follow the lights; trying to follow her GPS; trying not to think of the blonde girl.
The lights were going in and out of focus as Yuri was speeding her way home.
The path was brightly lit at first, winding out of the district, then becoming dark and unlit, so that Yuri only had the lights of her car to guide her. She was trying to focus but found that the blonde girl was fading in and out of her thoughts; finding that even the headlights were doubled; wishing that she would make it home safely.
If it were only not 4AM, there might have been more cars on the road, might have been an accident, but the road to her apartment was still deserted and empty and devoid of life. She stumbled into her home just as the light of day began to break, and the dark blue became light and everything could be seen again. The night was gone – there was no more escaping now.
-----------------
She woke up on the couch, with a splitting headache and a disgusting taste in her mouth. She looked at her phone –
10:17 AM
13 missed calls, 2 unread text messages
“Sh*t.”
Yuri jumped to her feet, grabbing her phone, then fell back on the couch when the blood rushed too quickly to her head and she could not bear to stand. Her head was pounding as she closed her eyes tried to remember exactly what happened last night. She could only see the blonde girl, dancing away on the pole with a smirk, clothes coming off slowly. She wanted to keep her eyes closed forever, when her phone vibrated; reminding her that she was already late for work; that it was the daytime now – the time of reality.
She took a quick, cold shower, trying to picture the blonde girl’s face, but could not see it clearly – it was covered by blurred, flashing lights. Yuri was still trying as she drove to work, growing more disgruntled and curious by the second.
I’ll just have to go back again if I can’t remember.
And the thought of escape carried her throughout the day, till she left the office and drove directly to the club that night. It was dark, again, and she could still not see her path clearly in the night – until she finally hit the club’s district.
She sat at the bar, counting the minutes until she would see the blonde girl again. There was no drink this time – she needed to know if it was the alcohol or not. Midnight came, and she finally saw the familiar catwalk appear from the back of the stage, approaching her slowly. She held her breath.
Again the routine started.
The girl stood by the pole and looked at Yuri with a smirk. Yuri’s mind stopped functioning. One by one the clothes came off, not that it mattered much anyway; she was hardly wearing anything to begin with.
The sensuous dance started, and Yuri tried to soak in all that she was seeing – her face, her body, everything. The light only enhanced the blonde’s features, making her every curve look even more defined, so that Yuri could imagine her touch, her feel.
Yuri closed her eyes, trying to imagine what it would be like, if she was the pole, just for a night. She imagined every wave of the girl’s body moving slowly against her own, becoming one. She imagined doing things with her that were above and beyond wild fantasies. Yuri could feel herself tightening, and opened her eyes, trying to catch her breath, only to see that the blonde figure was still in front of her, in her full form and glory. She looked so grimy and raw, and Yuri could only imagine what it would be like, could only wonder how long it would be until she would be able to have her.
Yuri was squirming in her chair for the next few hours, while the stripper seemed to be enjoying the control she had over Yuri. The smirk was one of seduction – she knew exactly what she was doing and how to do it, knew what she was causing and was elated in every moment of it. It was torture, it was bliss, it was beyond anything Yuri could contemplate – and it had not even really begun, yet.
Yuri drove home that night, sober, knowing exactly what she wanted.
--------------
The days at work flew by now, with Yuri’s mind elsewhere the entire time – during conferences, meetings, phone calls, even during her breaks.
“Yuri?” said her friend, “Yuri, I’m talking to you.”
They were sitting at the same table in the same restaurant they had been several days ago.
“Hmm?” said Yuri, “Oh, sorry, did you say something?”
She had been staring absent mindedly at her plate, playing with the food on the plate.
“I asked what was wrong with you. You never pay attention to what anyone says anymore, and you look happy. Damn, what happened? Is it the club? It’s amazing, right?”
Yuri smiled.
“I guess you can say it’s the club,” responded Yuri.
“You guess? What do you mean?”
“There’s this one girl, she’s blonde, and she is just –
“Okay, never mind, I decided I don’t want to know about your little fantasies.”
“Screw you!” laughed Yuri from across the table.
She was happier than she had been in a long, long time.
---------------
It was another night, one of many in a long series of nights where Yuri would sit and wait for the blonde girl, at the stroke of midnight, to appear and let her escape.
I wonder if I can tip her…
She had begun drinking again, because she had already established it was not the alcohol that made her feel that way (although alcohol did enhance the effects much, much more if taken in the right quantities).
And so Yuri was sipping away at her drink right before midnight came, as an older man sat down right next to her. No one had ever sat so close to Yuri – and when she looked closer, she noticed he was drunk. His features looked worn, and though he was undeniable well built, he looked scruffy and needed a shave.
Trailer trash.
Yuri shifted uncomfortably in her seat. He was not the type of man she wanted looking at the girl. Yuri tried to ignore him, tried to ignore what she considered awkwardness by drinking, so when the blonde finally came out, she was feeling a little dazed and a buzz had long set in. Yuri began to eye the man suspiciously when she saw that he, too, was entranced by the blonde. The blood pounded to her head when she saw the girl smile at the man, and Yuri had to try her best not to throw vodka in his face.
God damn I want to smash his face in. I wonder if I can use the bottle.
Several minutes had passed, and he looked like he was f*pping in his seat. Yuri wanted to spit on him. She shook off her thoughts and tried to enjoy the show, her escape, so she completely ignored any and all movement the man next to her was making, when suddenly, he spoke. He was speaking to Yuri. She turned slowly, not wanting to give him more attention than necessary.
“You don’t even know…” his speech was slurred, “the th-things, I would do to her, if I, uh could just have one night with her.”
Yuri gritted her teeth.
“It would be all night, I would not waste one second –
Her firsts were clenched, now. He was just in striking range – after all, he was only one chair away from Yuri.
I wonder how many hits I can get in on his drunk ass…
Oh boy, these lights are bright, so damn bright. Jackass.
“…and then, we would move to the bed –
Yuri leapt out of her chair and struck him. It was lucky she had forgotten about the vodka bottle sitting on the table in front of her at this point. The man fell out of his chair, and Yuri climbed on top of him, punching every inch she could reach, but as soon as he regained some coherency, he threw her off and was moving towards her when ushers grabbed him from behind, dragging him out of the club. Soon, other ushers came for Yuri, shoving her out a different exit. She got in her car, pissed off, and sped into the night. Even the lights could not distract her from her rage, flashing in and out of focus and she drove faster and faster, wondering if the adrenaline could deter her.
And the path of escape is a one-way street, has no exit, no reprise, no way back.
-----------------
Yuri returned to the club every night after that, to make sure she could be the only one to sit right in front of the blonde girl, to make sure no one could think about her the way Yuri did. She wanted the girl to be her escape, and hers only. There could be no way back now. It was a final, decided move from the moment Yuri laid eyes on her, though she was not aware of this.
It would be a long road until the end, because Yuri was afraid of the end, afraid there would be nothing there – and so she sat every night in the club for several hours, pretending that the path of escape would continue forever, though she wanted the end more than anything; the final consummation that was beyond all desire and all fantasy – unlike anything she had ever experienced before.
But the reality was that there was an end, and it was inevitable and certain; could not be fought against, was only a matter of time.
----------------
One day before she left for the strip club, Yuri was sitting at home; it was Sunday – her one day off – she was thinking about what money could buy. She looked around her. The apartment was well furnished and she had everything anyone could possibly want, everything that was necessary and much, much more. She was told a long time ago that money was the key to happiness, that if she somehow made enough money, happiness would come naturally – and her thoughts flashed to the blonde girl on the pole, str*pping slowly and moving just how Yuri wanted her to, to the rhythm in her mind and the pulsing beats in the club.
It was exactly what Yuri wanted, now, what Yuri longed for the most, but she was scared of the end of escape – scared because she knew all too well that escape too often led to nowhere – and so the end became both what she feared the most and her greatest desire – she wanted nothing more than to be one with the girl whose name she didn’t even know.
That night, Yuri was standing near the stage, not even bothering to pretend that the girl was just another stripper. She was entranced beyond all reason and compulsion; it was something else entirely drawing her in. She wanted, needed, to be closer to her than ever before, to be soaking in all that she was afraid to have.
Before Yuri knew it, something had impelled her to stand right beneath the girl, who was looking at Yuri curiously – like a child does a toy – before the smile changed to a snide smirk. Her legs wrapped around the pole and she was looking Yuri in the eyes while sliding up and down, arching her body and throwing her head back, eyes closed and inviting Yuri’s imagination in.
Yuri had stopped breathing at this point, and the first beads of sweat and desire were beginning to form on her forehead. The lights became colorless and blank as the blonde unwrapped herself from the pole and approached Yuri, ending on all fours and only several inches from Yuri’s face. The music had long stopped playing, the world had long stopped spinning, her heart had long stopped beating, as the stripper reached out to Yuri, caressing her face and grabbing her collar gently before leaning in and kissing her.
Yuri was paralyzed by everything she had ever imagined but had yet to experience – until now. The girl tasted like heaven, and she could taste heaven on her tongue on her lips and her mouth – wanted to taste much, much more when the girl pulled away and walked back to the pole.
Yuri stumbled back to her chair, eyes closed, not yet prepared to look back at the blonde. Yuri wanted to absorb the kiss as a flower does sunlight, hoping it would bring her to life, hoping the sleeping bud would burst into bloom.
It already had.
So that’s what escape is.
And every night she sat staring at the girl for the next few weeks was spent estimating her cost, wondering how much a night would be worth. She was intoxicated at the very thought.
-------------
It would be worth a lot much more than I could pay, that’s for sure.
It was a night long past the kiss, and Yuri was standing directly in front of the stage now, where the blonde girl was still dancing away – looking Yuri in the eyes once again.
I can see it coming now, all this is foreplay is finally coming to an end.
It was about 1AM when she placed her elbows onto the stage and motioned for the girl to come to her, whispering gently in her ear and then walking out of the club.
She was wondering what escape would feel like, at long last.
------------------
The car ride home was quiet. Yuri was trying to not look to her side, at the blonde girl sitting there, was trying to only look forward – to the time they would have together – but could not help herself from glancing every once in a while.
The blonde was surprised, when Yuri did look, at what she was looking at. She had expected a lustful stare, had expected her to look only at her legs, her body; instead, Yuri smiled at her, looking at every inch of her, looking at her face, before turning back to drive. It was an enamored look, could not be explained. Yuri’s explanations were not explanations at all – were above everything that once made sense to her, were past all sense of caring.
Yuri wanted much more than simply sex, but it was an affair that was both simple and infernally complex all at once.
It could not be explained.
-----------------
They were in the elevator now, with Yuri looking at the blonde and the blonde looking right back. The air was filled with yearning, covering all thoughts of tension, all sentiments of reason.
Yuri was getting nervous now, nervous of their impending fate.
“What’s your name?” asked Yuri.
“Jessica. Yours?”
“Yuri.”
“Nice name. You’ll be hearing it a lot tonight,” smirked Jessica as the elevator doors opened.
Yuri was shaking now, had to swallow the lump in her throat before exiting the elevator.
When they reached the door to Yuri’s apartment, Yuri fumbled for her keys as Jessica stood behind her, tracing the outline of Yuri’s body and tiptoeing to whisper in her ear.
"Hurry up."
It was a quiet whisper, sent chills down Yuri’s spine. She succumbed, surrendered.
Yuri finally opened the door, as Jessica pushed her inside and closed the door quietly behind her, locking it, then turning around to face Yuri, moving towards her.
Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, and Yuri wanted to stop time so she could be lost in escape forever – but time does not stop for anyone or anything.
They were in front of Yuri’s bed now, though Yuri could hardly even remember how they had gotten there.
Slowly. Ever so slowly,
Jessica was reaching to take off her coat now, but she seemed to be moving too quickly for Yuri, and so Yuri reached out towards Jessica, stopping her, slowing her down. The coat off, Yuri wanted nothing more than for Jessica to move in slow motion – the speed of love – wanted to undress her slowly and feel her slowly, wanted to last all night.
Slow.
The lights were off, window open, and they could see each other only by the light of moon, shining darkly through; upon everything Yuri ever wanted; upon every point of escape, every point of entry – one and the same, lasting forever, in slow motion – for Yuri.
The clock was ticking, swaying to their rhythm, as Yuri tendered to every inch and particle of Jessica’s body; moving together in the inhalation of ecstasy and bliss and long drawn torture, spinning around in escape, harsh and smooth, all at once. She entwined herself with the escapade, daring not to leave; looking right into Jessica’s eyes, then eternalizing the moment with a slow, slow kiss.
Quiet moans were echoing silently, loudly throughout the room; sound climbing out the windows, calling to the moon; howling passion and pleasure, as Yuri hovered above her ultimate escape, breathless, whispering into its ear gently.
I love you.
She could not breathe anymore, body moving entirely on instinct; no reasons.
The whisper was drowned out by more waves, feeling and fleeting and threatening to leave, but forever stored in Yuri’s imagination, forever in slow motion; in every moment of arched backs and sharp intakes of breath, gasps and closed eyes; eternal for several hours of time, several stores of Yuri’s soul in dreams and desires; then winding together like serpents, wrapping around each other like they never wanted to let go, with slow touches and drabbles of the fingertips.
The calls died down, were overtaken by the deafening silence as one body and one escape unwound and drifted off to sleep.
It was a long, long gone few hours of time.
----------------
Yuri awoke as the sun was breaking, through the windows, shining on her reality again; though she did not open her eyes until the rays hit her face, shaking her, reminding her that escape was gone now.
The bed was empty.
She did not know whether to cry in joy or weep in pain, as she covered herself with the blanket and moved to her living room, rising slowly. Her wallet was empty, purse ransacked. Yuri sank to the floor, closed her eyes – beating and breathing slowly, ever so slowly.
And the path of escape is darkly lit; no exit once entered; no reprise nor refrain; only everything or nothing at all; torture and bliss all at once; too risky for some to tread and irresistible in its instability and uncertainty; epitomized in eternal, long-lasting, long gone, slow nothingness.
----------------
The end.
Certain
It had started when she was young, from the time she entered school. Every several weeks, Tiffany’s report card would come home, and with it, looks of either disappointment or approval.
Approval. That was all. There was never any real praise, any real encouragement – only pressure and silent nods of the head. She began to wonder if that was all she was – a bunch of letters on a sheet of paper, if that was all she meant to her parents. She wanted a smile from time to time, a simple “we’re proud of you, keep up the good work.”
It never came.
Her family was wealthy, and she was sent to the best schools money could afford; given everything money could buy – but money can only go so far; it could not stretch the gap between Tiffany and her parents; the distance was no longer physical, no longer mental, but something much, much more; had been widening since her childhood; had only needed a simple “we’re proud of you, keep up the good work,” only needed an “I love you” to close it.
It never came.
She got tired, eventually, of feeling like a feel letters on a piece of paper, of getting nothing
more than a nod of approval; she wanted some emotion, didn’t care what form it came in. She began to smoke and drink, began to misbehave, and her grades began to drop. Now, her parents showed something, though she wondered if it was worth it at all. The rebellion began to die, when she realized that bad emotion was comparable to no emotion at all, when she figured it wasn’t worth the
effort.
She gave up after a year or two of fighting and dying outside, fighting and dying inside – resumed her old routine; just letters on a sheet of paper.
----------------------
She was in college now, had grown accustomed to letters on sheets of paper and widening gaps, had
stopped rebelling. Tiffany told herself that it was over and done with, that there was nothing to be
done but let go – she tried to convince most of herself this, wanted to believe it so she could stop
hurting; so she could stop wishing that her parents had cared differently.
She knew they did, but too often are actions alone not enough, too often do actions need to be
fortified with words, so that now her foundations had already crumbled around her, crushing her. It
would take a skilled hand to rebuild it all, so the new would cover up the old; so she could no
longer see the past that built her up only to fall.
But there was nothing just yet, only her and her memories. She wanted to forget, wanted to leave it
all behind, even if for just a short, short while. When Tiffany became overwhelmed, she surrounded
herself with people; so she could drown away her worries in the hysteria; drown in the populace and
community; drown in memories and forget – forget it all.
She drank heavily, when she could; drown, drown in alcohol so she would not remember a thing.
She did not care if the past came back – if the past from years and years ago was always still
there; refusing to asphyxiate, refusing to drift away, even after she had outlasted the hangover.
It was forgetting, even if it was only for a short, short while.
----------------
One day, Tiffany was sitting in a gelato store with her friends, Taeyeon and Jessica, eating and
chatting and laughing. Taeyeon and Jessica were on one side of the table, and Tiffany, alone on the
other, facing them.
Suddenly, Tiffany fell quiet as a stranger entered the store. She could not help staring at the tall
girl with the unusually dark complexion and handsome face.
“Tiffany?” asked Jessica, “what’s wrong? Why so quiet?”
Taeyeon was trying to follow Tiffany’s line of sight, was wondering where she was looking.
“Are you looking at the tall girl in the jeans and shirt?” asked Taeyeon.
“Yeah,” muttered Tiffany, trying to look still, “I wonder who that is.”
“That’s Yuri,” responded Jessica shortly, “want to meet her?”
Before Tiffany could respond, Jessica had already called out to Yuri, and Tiffany saw the girl’s
head turn their way, saw her begin to approach their table.
“Hi guys,” said Yuri when she reached their table.
“Hey Yuri,” chimed Taeyeon and Jessica in unison.
They exchanged greetings as Tiffany sat quietly, waiting for her introduction.
“Oh, Yuri, this is Tiffany, our friend. Tiffany, meet Yuri.”
“Hello,” said Yuri with a smile.
A “hello” bounced back, as Yuri was invited to sit down and there the four girls sat, chatting away
until it was late. Tiffany did not learn much about Yuri that night, but wanted to, became curious
of the charming girl, wondered about her thereafter.
-----------------
They began to spend more time together now, Yuri and Tiffany, as their friends became closer and
closer. It was an inevitable drift, happened by chance, by opportunity, by choice. It would have
happened anyway, had to happen, there was no preventing, no helping it.
Drifting could occur both ways, after all; only needed simple gestures, simple words to begin.
------------------
One night Yuri and Tiffany were out with their friends, in a club, together and separate at the same
time, when Tiffany suddenly wanted to go home. She sat at a table with her friends, pissed off. She
had several drinks before then, was already too heated to take anything more. Yuri was nearby, was
sitting and listening to everything.
“What’s wrong?” asked one of her friends.
“That b*tch over there is pissing me off. Won’t leave me alone,” responded Tiffany.
“So? Ignore her.”
“I’ve tried! But she’s not stopping. I’m going to hurt her if I stay any longer. I’m leaving.”
“You drank! You can’t leave in this condition. We’ll go with you.”
“No, you guys just stay here and enjoy –
“I’ll take you.” said Yuri suddenly.
The heads turned her way.
“I didn’t drink tonight, I have my car. I can take her.”
It was agreed upon. Yuri would drive Tiffany home that night.
Tiffany had been wondering for days, was still wondering when they left the club.
---------------------
They were sitting in Yuri’s car now, with Tiffany in the passenger seat, eyes closed, arms folded
across the seat. She was still heated, still trying to calm down, still wondering in the middle of
everything. Yuri, knowing that asking “what’s wrong” would lead to nothing, finally broke the
tension.
“Want some gelato?”
“Sure, I don’t mind,” huffed Tiffany, hoping it would cool her off, hoping it would satiate just a
small part of her wonder.
--------------------
They had sat in the store, eating their gelato and talking, trying to calm down, and now were
walking along the lake that was encircled by their city, just speaking of their lives and worries
and anything at all.
Yuri had managed to calm Tiffany down now, so that they could enjoy the night, talking for hours
until Yuri finally dropped Tiffany off at home.
It had been a fun night for Tiffany, filled with wonder and curiosity, peace and calm, and left her
wanting more, had piqued her interest.
----------------
Several days later, Tiffany received a call from an unknown number. It turned out to be Yuri.
“Hello?” said Tiffany.
“Hi, Tiffany, this is Yuri, from the other night. Remember me?”
“Yeah, of course, how are you?” She was smiling.
“I’m fine, are you feeling better?” asked Yuri.
“Yeah, thanks for asking.”
The conversation continued this way, until Yuri ended the formalities that usually plague
conversations.
“I was wondering, do you want to go out to dinner with me sometime soon?”
Tiffany chuckled.
“Are you asking me out on a date?”
'A part of her was joking.
“N-no, just as friends, you know? Just to get to know each other better,” stuttered Yuri.
---------------------
They were sitting across from each other now, eating and talking like they had the night on the
lake, but this time, the atmosphere was much more free – they had already begun to open up to each
other, so that now they could only grow closer. They finished talking and eating and were now on the
lake, again, side by side and talking, just talking together; about their childhoods; their pasts;
their lives; though they could not remember how they got to the topic – it was a topic about
drifting and gaps, closeness and distance all at once.
Yuri told Tiffany all about her family, about how they were close, about how they were the most
important thing to her.
“So, what about you?”
Tiffany was not sure at first if she wanted to respond. She had tried, for the longest time; to not
think about it; to push it to the back of her mind; to widen the gap as much as possible, so that
she would not see it again. But, for some reason, it had always lingered; despite all that would
happen, it would linger forever – the gap could be an ocean, and yet, the ties of family remain
unbreakable.
“I’m not exactly too close to them…” she started.
Yuri peered at her curiously, waiting for her to continue, and, in several moments of contemplation,
Tiffany did. She opened the floodgates that had been pushing back all thoughts of pain and hurt; all
thoughts blocked, for the longest time, just out of sight; and let the waters rush back in, quietly
hoping that Yuri could close the gap for her.
When they left the topic of the past, they moved to the present, and talked about Tiffany’s habits,
about what Yuri had heard about her and her love of partying and drinking and clubbing.
They moved past the topic and learned more and more about each other that night; just taking,
talking and drifting closer together, filling the gap with wonder and curiosity and interest.
----------------
Yuri and Tiffany began to see much more of each other now – their friends began to hang out with
each other more; and whenever they did, Yuri would walk beside Tiffany, trying to learn more and
more about her, trying desperately to fill in the gap with all that she could.
Whenever Tiffany was busy or caught up with school work, Yuri began to send calls or texts, began to
drop by her house and help with everything possible. They grew close this way, over the course of
several weeks, just drifting closer and closer together – the void was being filled.
One day, Yuri invited Tiffany to spend the weekend with her and her family, in their lodge in the
mountains. Yuri said that she wanted to introduce Tiffany to them, wanted to spend time with her.
It was a curious debate for Tiffany. She did not know whether to accept or reject the offer, to make
an excuse not to go; she wondered if it would be awkward, spending the weekend with Yuri’s family
when they weren’t even dating – yet. She wondered if they would just remain friends, or if Yuri was
interested in her like she was interested in Yuri; wondered what Yuri’s family was like; continued
to wonder until she succumbed.
There was no reason not to go, she told herself, and the trip was on.
--------------------
It turned out to be the best few days of Tiffany’s life – days of family, love and affection and
care, something she had not actually felt in a long time. She wondered if she had been lonely all
these years, finally finding out now what it meant to be warm, to feel warmth. Yuri’s family treated
her like a daughter – Tiffany wanted to feel that for the longest time now, wanted to stop drifting
apart and come together. Inch by inch, Yuri was dragging all emotion back into her, completing her
and filling in the void that time and absence had caused.
One night of the trip, Yuri and Tiffany were outside, just talking, when finally Tiffany heard what
she had wanted to for a while now – a confession.
Yuri admitted that she liked Tiffany, was interested in her, was scared Tiffany didn’t feel the
same.
“I was worried that you wouldn’t be interested in me.”
Yuri was speaking openly and honestly.
It was time to let the chips fall where they may.
“Why?”
“I didn’t think I was your type,” responded Yuri.
“What type did you think I’d go for?” asked Tiffany.
Yuri took a breath and responded.
“Someone like what I thought you were. Someone who loved to party, loved to go wild. I’m not like
that at all,” Yuri paused to gauge her reaction, and continued.
“But after I got to know you, you really aren’t like what everyone says. They say you’re out of
control, that you’re wild, that you can be cold. I don’t think you are, not at all. You care, a lot.
And you are so warm, you have such a pure heart. I want to get to know you better, want to learn
more and more about you.”
It started from there, with a simple confession and mutual interest and curiosity and wonder.
--------------------
Tiffany never knew that someone could affect her this much, that someone could make her feel this
way. Yuri was affectionate and caring in ways Tiffany had never known were possible, had only
existed in the combination of the wildest imaginations and ideas of perfection.
It was something beyond just caring, though – it was an all encompassing, all conquering,
understanding. It was release and freedom and link and connectedness on a new level. It was
compassion and sympathy and love and empathy; it was acceptance. Yuri had, very simply, accepted
Tiffany just the way she was. She did not need her to change, did not want her to change.
Tiffany did not know someone like Yuri existed. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced, it
grew by the day and it was much, much more than mere addiction, for addictions are unnecessary –
Tiffany needed Yuri like air, did not know how she lasted before Yuri was in her life.
She thought Yuri was perfect: Yuri did not hover, but was always there; Yuri was always caring,
always watching and protecting, but never overbearing and restraining; being with Yuri was like
being hooked to air – always there and always needed, but never possessive and never too much for
her to handle, and yet omnipresent at the same time. Yuri overwhelmed her without destroying her,
without consuming her, while Tiffany wanted to be consumed by Yuri, wanted to be with her all the
time and needed her – wanted to know she was there no matter what, like air.
Tiffany really needed a breath of fresh air in her life, wondered if she had been holding her breath
all these years, just waiting.
------------------
It was a Friday night, several weeks in to their relationship, and they were at a club. Tiffany was
drinking as usual, while Yuri sat there, making sure that nothing would happen to her, ready to take
care of her. Tiffany was several drinks in when one of her acquaintances, who had also been
drinking, asked her for a dance. He was a friend of Yuri, though never close, and so Yuri gritted
her teeth and let them dance.
Tiffany was out of it, buzzed and not fully aware of what was happened, when the man began to touch
her – it was a little close for comfort, a little close for “just friends.”
Tiffany was just dancing, did not come to her senses when the man reached down and kissed her neck
several times.
Yuri had been watching the whole time, had already had enough of gritting her teeth and letting
things go.
Tiffany felt someone pulling her away while she was dancing, and realized it was Yuri. The man began
to curse behind her and followed them, confronting Yuri. Yuri was punched, was riled up and
infuriated, and returned the blow. A fight broke out – it was a huge mess until the bouncers came
and dragged the two out of the club, separating them.
---------------------
Yuri and Tiffany were in the car now, with Yuri trying to contain herself, just gritting her teeth
and trying to let things go, like she always did.
“I’ll drop you off at home,” said Yuri, in a controlled voice.
Tiffany was angry with Yuri, did not know why, did not know if it was the alcohol.
“Yuri,” she started, “why did you punch him? You shouldn’t have done that.”
Yuri finally lost her temper, finally stopped gritting her teeth.
She began to yell at Tiffany, was angry at her for not understanding, was angry that someone else
had touched Tiffany, was tired of just letting things go.
Tiffany began to yell back, in choler and agitation – they both did not know what they were doing.
Emotion is the enemy of all rationale, of all reason, can work for or against anyone or anything.
Yuri finally reached Tiffany’s apartment building, and dropped her off there, then sped off, leaving
things unresolved and heated, filling them both with anger and sadness all at once.
-----------------
It was morning after, and Tiffany woke up alone. Yuri was usually there, making her breakfast and
caring for her, but today, it was an empty apartment. Tiffany remembered what happened the night
before, and her head hurt, her heart hurt.
Yuri had left to spend time with her family in the mountains, needing to think and escape. It was
going to be a time of hell for them both, choked with sadness and regret, suffocating until they
would see each other again.
Tiffany spent the time alone, not knowing what to do, wondering what was right and what was wrong.
She thought about Yuri – how Yuri was always so caring and admirable, was so different from her.
Yuri did not drink, was always doing everything for her, and she was just wild and out of control.
Yuri was so perfect, and she was not.
She needed Yuri now, that was for sure, but she wondered if it was right for her to need her so
much, wondered if they were right for each other. She thought Yuri deserved better, cried at the
thought of letting Yuri go, cried at the thought of separation and not being able to breathe. She
wallowed in her thoughts for several days, wanting to try to let Yuri go, but not being able to,
wanting to be with her too much to ever let her go.
--------------------
On the third day, Tiffany finally received a call from Yuri – she wanted to meet with Tiffany,
wanted to talk with her.
Tiffany was scared and anxious, was anticipating yet fearful of what was to come.
They were sitting now, across from each other, holding their breath, wanting to speak all they had
been thinking about for several days, so they could leave behind all the thoughts of unhappiness and
everything they did not want to have.
Yuri finally spoke.
“I’m sorry,” she started, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry about the fight, about yelling, about
everything.”
Tiffany could feel the emotions rushing through her defenses.
Yuri continued, “These days have been like hell for me. I was so worried, so scared that you would
break up with me – I’m still scared.”
Tiffany began to cry, began to let everything rush out, to let Yuri fill her voids.
“I’m sorry, too,” she was letting out the tears, “You are too perfect for me, I’m scared I’m not
good enough for you. You are so perfect and I have so many vices, so many flaws. I want us to be
together, I want you so much. I love you. I love you so much – I need you, even if you are too good
for me. You mean so much to me, I want you to know that, I know I’m selfish for wanting you – but I
need you. I really need you in my life.”
She was sobbing as Yuri embraced her, in a comforting hug, softly and gently, washing away all
thoughts of despair and fear.
“I love you, too,” Yuri whispered into a crying Tiffany’s ear, “I need you, too.”
They stayed that way for a while, letting all emotions flow between them, letting all thoughts of
hurt and fear go, until they both were sure, now, that it was mutual what they felt – that Yuri
loved Tiffany like Tiffany loved Yuri – that it was all-binding, all-encompassing love; finding
comfort and love in each other.
They left all thoughts of uncertainty behind them, and leapt forward. Every day, though unknown, is
certain; every moment with each other, is certain – together. Together is all they need, and though
the future is unwinding as this is being read – it as certain as the presence of air.
-------------
The end.
Switching Places
“So, Jessica, do you have any favorite male celebrities?”
“I really like Daniel Henney.”
They were side by side in the booth of the radio station. For the past hour, Yuri had been listening to Jessica answer fan question after fan question while she stayed quiet – she wondered if any questions would come to her. Yuri shifted in her seat and glanced over at Jessica, who was beaming from the attention.
“She’s so beautiful,” thought Yuri to herself, “Inside and out.”
Yuri sighed quietly and continued to listen, her desire for attention overcome by admiration of Jessica.
There was eventually one question for Yuri, and she sat up straight in her seat with anticipation.
“So, Yuri, how did you enjoy today’s show?” asked the radio host.
Yuri was slightly crestfallen as she answered.
“Oh, it was great. Wasn’t it, Jessica?” she looked over at Jessica and smiled.
“Right, Yuri. Today’s show was amazing.”
“We hope to see you again soon,” said the radio host, only looking at Jessica.
“Us, too,” said Jessica, but there was no “us” at all.
--------------
“Yuri!” said Jessica from behind. She had always been a slow walker, even during their trainee days, had always been the popular one. Nothing had changed since their debut one year ago – except their relationship.
“Carry this bag for me!”
“Okay, Sica,” said Yuri, spinning around with a smile. She walked towards Jessica with her hand outstretched.
“Good,” said Jessica, “And throw this away for me.”
She handed Yuri her empty coffee cup.
“Okay, Sica, said Yuri again with a smile.
“And walk slower!”
Yuri slowed her pace to walk beside Jessica, still smiling. She could not help but to smile when looking upon Jessica.
“She’s so beautiful, inside and out,” thought Yuri to herself.
It was the one of the only things she ever thought of Jessica.
--------------
Yuri looked softly at the girl in front of her.
“She looks amazing in that dress. No one pulls of the dresses better than her. Her figure is –”
“Yuri!” snapped Jessica suddenly, turning around, “Don’t stand so close to me. You know I need my alone time before a performance.”
Jessica faced the front again, irritated.
They were onstage, about to perform, all wearing their dresses. Yuri had only been standing in her assigned location, but backed up anyway because Jessica wanted her to.
“Even when she’s mad, even from the back, she’s so beautiful. Inside and out.”
And Yuri smiled to herself before the stage lights snapped on and the performance began.
----------------
Yuri was sitting in the room she shared with Jessica looking over some old photo albums. They were all filled with pictures of Jessica and she, all filled with smiles and brimming with happiness. Even back then, thought Yuri to herself, Jessica had been beautiful. She had been loving Jessica quietly for many years now, too afraid to speak and too afraid to act. She would always only just be a best friend, but that was enough for her.
Yuri continued to smile to herself as she thought of all the things Jessica used to do for her – she tried to cook for her, bought her little gifts, talked to her late at night when she was going through rough times – the smile overtook her and she did not think about how Jessica had recently stopped doing all those things. But Yuri didn’t mind, she wanted to be useful to Jessica in any way, “because she’s so beautiful, inside and out.”
Yuri closed her eyes and lay down on her bed, soon floating off to sleep.
Yuri’s eyes opened slowly when she felt someone shaking her – it was Jessica. She smiled and said, “What is it, Sica?”
“Yuri. My feet hurt. Massage them for me, please.”
“Okay, Sica.”
She looked over at the clock but still managed to smile.
It was 3AM in the morning.
It was always 3AM in the morning.
-------------
“Jessi –
The door closed before Yuri had a chance to finish. Jessica stormed out of their room, enraged because Yuri said she was “too tired” to give Jessica a back massage.
“Last night you were okay! The night before you were okay! Two nights ago you were okay!”
“It gets tiring after a while, Sica, please. Just one night off. I’m exhausted!”
It was 3AM in the morning, as always.
Yuri sighed to herself as she wondered if she even had enough energy to chase after Jessica. Her head was aching, her muscles were sore, her emotions were a mess. She lay back down on the bed and closed her eyes, meaning to open them again soon and then follow Jessica, but her eyelids were too heavy and would not open. For the first time in many, many nights, she fell asleep not thinking of Jessica’s unending perfection.
-------------
Yuri awoke in several hours, shocked, and jumped out of her bed to look for Jessica. She looked through all of the girls’ rooms and could not find her – the house was quiet as Yuri was walking into the living room, ready to phone the police in concern.
She smiled a smile of relief as she saw Jessica sleeping on the couch, figure covered in a light blanket and head and blonde hair sticking out.
“Always so beautiful.”
Yuri ran back to her room to fetch another blanket for Jessica. It was summer, but Yuri knew Jessica got sick easily. She draped it lightly over Jessica and knelt by the couch, caressing Jessica’s face lightly with her hands and smiling. Jessica shifted unknowingly in her sleep as Yuri continued to look upon her with the same tenderness she had been for so long.
“You are so beautiful,” whispered Yuri softly. She kissed Jessica on the forehead and stood up, then walking towards the kitchen.
“I want to make her breakfast today. I wonder what she would like?”
She was still smiling as she began to pull ingredients from the cupboards.
------------
The girls eventually all awoke and ate breakfast, except for Jessica – she was still sleeping on the couch.
“Yuri,” said Taeyeon from the living room, “Wake her up while I go prepare, okay? We need to be at the recording studio in one hour, and the van is already waiting outside.”
“Alright,” said Yuri.
Yuri walked back into the living room with Jessica’s tray of food and placed it in the table in front of the couch. She knelt down next to Jessica, once again, and shook her gently.
“Wake up, Sica.”
She said it softly.
Jessica did not budge, made no acknowledgment that there was even anyone there.
Yuri smiled, thinking how similar events always unfolded during their pre-debut days.
“Jessica!”
She said this one a little more loudly. The other girls were starting to file out now, already prepared to leave and exiting. They wished Yuri good luck as they left, one by one, until only Yuri and Jessica remained in the dorm.
Yuri finally gave up and decided that it was just a little too late to admire Jessica’s beauty when sleeping.
“JESSICA!” she yelled into her ear.
Jessica shot up and groaned.
“Yuri! What is this?”
“We’re late, Jess. You need to get ready, now.”
“Well who asked you to do it?” said Jessica grumpily and she pushed Yuri out of the way and stood up.
Jessica began walking to her room as Yuri lay on the floor, still in shock.
“Sica! I made you –
She heard a door slam, felt another piece of her heart die, knew time was running short but didn’t know how to catch up. Reality was rushing past her – she needed to open her eyes or be in the dark forever.
Yuri looked at the tray of food sadly before leaving. She would not wait for Jessica today.
-------------
It had been nearly another year – they were in recording for their new concept now, a hotter, more outgoing image, they were told, called “Genie.”
“Yuri looks best in this,” commented the make up artist, “The smoky looking makeup works better on her than the rest of girls, in my opinion.”
Yuri smiled in the mirror and wondered if it was true, while the other girls smiled along, happy for Yuri – except Jessica.
“These outfits look the best on her,” commented the wardrobe advisor, “She has more curves than the rest of the girls. I think she’ll be able to pull off the hot shorts and slim outfits the best.”
Yuri smiled again, looking in the mirror, while the other girls nodded and smiled – except Jessica.
--------------
They were on their way to Star Golden Bell, Jessica’s bag and Yuri’s lap and her head on Yuri’s shoulder – Jessica was sleeping, exhausted from their performance. It had been several weeks since they released Genie – several weeks of dominating the charts and all the music shows and overflowing attention and love. It was a nice way to continue the promotions of the year.
Yuri was smiling to herself – thinking of all the praise she had been receiving. She looked at Jessica and smiled even more brightly – now there were so many things to make her happy.
-------------
“The first row is for Taeyeon and Yoona. The second is for Tiffany and Yuri. The third is for Jessica and –
What? Wait, I’m in front of Jessica?
Yuri glanced over at Jessica – her face did not show any change in expression, the same cold composition as always. Yuri put on a worried smile as the show began – her love of Jessica was slowly being overcome by desire for attention.
-------------
Jessica was always an intuitive person. Though she chose not to speak, most of the time she could tell what people around her were thinking, feeling. She knew that Yuri loved her – she had known it for several years now, had seen it shine clear and bright when they were still trainees. There was something in the way Yuri looked at her, the way her smile lingered – that told Jessica everything.
They got on surprisingly well and eventually became best friends, Jessica knowing all along how Yuri felt. Then came their debut. Jessica had always been quiet and always had admirers, but the debut sprung thousands of devoted, helpless fans into action. She was more popular than she had even been in her life – and she loved it.
She began to push Yuri away from her emotionally, while keeping her beside her at all times. She began to use Yuri, take advantage of Yuri’s love for her and make her own life easier. Jessica eventually stopped caring for Yuri all together, her love of Yuri pushed aside by desire for attention.
------------
“Jessica looks best in blonde,” said the lady, and Jessica smiled.
“But Yuri looks the best overall in this concept,” the lady continued.
The smile froze in place, struggled to stay on her face. She looked into the corner of one of the mirrors and saw Yuri smile uncertainly.
She wondered what would happen if she would lose the attention – if it would be dragged away from her.
“What would happen then?”
-----------
It had started then, with the uncertain smile – Jessica knew that the attention was shifting elsewhere. She feared losing it, needed something else to hold onto. She wondered if Yuri would be there forever, wondered if Yuri’s love would be pushed aside like hers had.
“Front row – Taeyeon, Yoona, Tiffany, Yuri.”
Jessica sighed as she headed to the second row of seats and zoned out at the stage crew began to prepare the final touches before the recording would begin.
She watched as Yuri received question after questions, tried not to care if she would receive any questions at all. The recording passed in a blur as Jessica smiled softly and answered softly, knew there was very little in store for her.
As the recording ended, Jessica stood up weakly and made her way to the changing room, not speaking to anyone. She saw Yuri chatting happily with Tiffany as she left, was missing the days when Yuri would run immediately up to her and ask her all about her day.
She was waking by herself backstage in a hallway, smiling at thoughts of the past when she realized that once upon a time, she was the one who would run up to Yuri and talk all her thoughts away. Now it was happening to her, and she did not like it, did not like it at all.
“Jessica!”
Jessica spun around. It was Yuri, running behind her in the hall.
“Wait, Jessica!” panted Yuri as she caught up to Jessica.
“Hi, Yuri,” said Jessica before continue to walk – slowly, like always.
“Are you alright?” asked Yuri, “You haven’t been yourself lately. So quiet.”
“I haven’t always been quiet?”
Jessica raised her eyebrows and looked at Yuri, still walking.
“N-No,” stammered Yuri, “I meant that you’ve been different lately. You don’t seem as happy as before.”
Jessica was starting to get annoyed, but she didn’t know why.
You’ve been ignoring me.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” retorted Jessica harshly.
“Sica, what’s wrong?” asked a concerned Yuri.
Jessica stopped and looked over at Yuri angrily.
“Why don’t you go figure it out?” she snapped.
Yuri was frozen, lost for words, as Jessica continued to walk to the changing room without looking back.
Yuri did not chase her until long after Jessica had entered the changing room.
-----------
Yuri waited for all the other girls to arrive before entering the changing room. Jessica was almost done by this time and was preparing to leave. She greeted everyone lightly with a smile as they walked in, but did not say a word.
“She looks angry,” said Sooyoung to Yuri in their corner of the room, far away from Jessica.
“She is,” responded Yuri as Taeyeon and Tiffany overheard and looked her way.
“Why?” asked Tiffany.
“I have no idea.”
“Yuri,” said Taeyeon, “You are her closest friend. I think you should go talk to her about it.”
Yuri was about to retort in protest, but decided not to and nodded. She changed quickly and left soon after Jessica did, chasing after her once again.
Jessica was near the exit of the building when Yuri caught up to her. She had ignored Yuri yelling her name, had ignored all the looks bystanders were giving them.
“Jessica!” panted Yuri as she cut off Jessica’s path to the door.
“What do you want?” said Jessica.
“What’s wrong? Please tell me. I hate seeing you like this,” Yuri pleaded.
“I told you already. Nothing is wrong. Now move.”
“Jessica!” said Yuri, “Stop lying to me! I hate it when you lie to me.”
“I don’t care about what you hate. Now move,” said Jessica.
Yuri pushed open the door for Jessica as they entered the parking lot. Jessica was walking towards their two vans more quickly than she had ever in her life and Yuri even struggled to keep up, now.
“Wait, Sica!”
Jessica continued walking.
“Let me hold your bag for you,” said Yuri, as she reached out to grab Jessica’s bag.
Jessica spun around and jerked it roughly from Yuri’s hands. She looked into Yuri’s eyes with anger and said coldly, “No thank you.”
Jessica turned back around and continued to walk away quickly before finally reaching one of the vans and sitting inside.
Yuri watched her leave, but this time, did not chase her. She had plenty of energy, but a part of her had stopped caring. She was about to walk to the van anyway for one final try, but felt her phone ringing. She picked it up. It was her manager.
“Hello?”
“Yuri! I have great news. Where are you?”
“I’m outside, in the parking lot.”
“Come back inside, Yuri. One of the stage directors here works for on the set of a drama and he says he’s interested in casting you for a role!”
“Really?” said Yuri happily. She glanced in the direction of the van for a second, but turned back towards the building and began to walk.
“I’m on my way,” she said happily.
She did not look back. Her love for Jessica was being pushed aside by desire for attention.
From inside the van, Jessica was watching as Yuri walked away from her and she wondered what she could do to bring her back – Yuri once did the same for Jessica, but those days were long gone now.
Jessica felt the tears begin to come as she sat in the seat of the van, avoiding the driver’s glance from the rearview mirror. She leaned forward and watched the tears fall onto her shoes.
So this is what it feels like.
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It was nighttime now, and Jessica was lying on her bed, thinking of all the times she had with Yuri. She had stopped crying, but was still hurting, thinking of all the things she should have done instead of what she had already done. She wondered if it was too late – prayed that it wouldn’t be too late for her and Yuri.
I can remember all the times she helped me, all the times she carried things for me, the times she cooked for me, the little sweet presents she would leave next to my pillow. I miss that, I miss that so much.
She began to cry again when she thought of how she had been treating Yuri for nearly the past two years – only now did she realize how horribly she had been to Yuri, and how amazing Yuri had been for putting up with her antics.
She remembered Yuri crying at night and she did nothing, she remembered Yuri smiling through the pain while she did nothing, she remembered the 3AM massages and words of comfort. She remembered what it felt like and wanted it yet again.
Jessica sat up when the doorknob turned and she saw Yuri walk in, expressionless.
“Hi, Jessica,” said Yuri, walking over to her own bed and placing her bag down on it.
Jessica was crying even harder at Yuri’s treatment now, but Yuri still said nothing.
“Y-You aren’t g-going to a-ask me w-why I’m c-crying?” choked Jessica through sobs.
Yuri looked up calmly and said, “No. You aren’t going to tell me anyway so what’s the point. Why should I care? I’m going out now with some friends. Don’t wait up. Not that you would anyway.”
Yuri turned and left. Jessica watched her leave, tears still streaming down her cheeks, wanting to say sorry, wanting to say all that she was holding inside but not knowing how.
She fell asleep crying at exactly 3AM, while across town, Yuri glanced down at her phone and saw the time, but had already forgotten why it had once been so significant to her.
All thoughts of Jessica, pushed aside.
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“Get up, Yuri! You’ll be late!” yelled a furious Sooyoung, “Even Jessica is up before you today!”
It was the next morning, and Yuri had been out so late that she had only been sleeping for half an hour when it was time to wake up again.
Jessica stood in the doorway with Hyoyeon and Sunny, watching the scene. The rest of the girls had already left and were waiting in the van.
“Fine, fine,” groaned Yuri, “I’m getting up.”
Jessica had already walked away by the time Yuri finally got up and opened her bloodshot eyes.
“Hurry up!” yelled Sooyoung, pushing her quickly out of bed.
Yuri did not bother to look for Jessica today, had stopped caring for her like Jessica had been doing for the past two years.
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They were in their dressing room, backstage at an awards show. The girls finished, one by one, until only the half-asleep Yuri and slow Jessica were left. Everyone left first and Jessica approached Yuri, who putting her stuff away into her bag.
“Yuri,” said Jessica.
“What?” responded Yuri.
“Yuri, I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry,” said Jessica. She breathed in and out before continuing.
Yuri looked at her, eyebrows raised but face otherwise expressionless.
“I’m sorry for the way I treated you these past two years. I’m sorry for neglecting you and the way you cared for me, I miss it when you used to love me and you showed it. I miss what we used to have,” said Jessica. Her eyes were beginning to fill up with tears as she looked at Yuri.
Yuri was still expressionless, face unreadable. Jessica swallowed the lump in her throat and continued on.
“Yuri. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much you meant to me until now, you mean so much to me and I love –
Jessica stopped talking as Yuri began smiling.
“What is it, Yuri?” asked Jessica quietly, fearfully. She was afraid of what Yuri could do to her now.
Yuri stood up straight and looked Jessica into the eyes. She was still smiling as Jessica could not find anything to say. Yuri flipped her hair and placed a hand softly on Jessica’s cheek. She leaned in till she was several inches away from Jessica’s face.
“Well, that’s too bad for you, isn’t it? You’ve lost your chance already.”
She continued smiling as she pinched Jessica’s cheek softly and walked out of the dressing room.
All thoughts of Jessica had been pushed aside.
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