" Main bairaagan si jeeun ye bhataktaa mann,
Abb kahaan le jayga ye awaarapan...
Ke hui main malang.......  "

I threw a glance at the driver, who stood supporting his back against the bonnet, looking at his phone. A sweet human in his late fifties. Probably belonging to one of the north eastern states.

The car stereo buzzed at its loudest, as I stood at the sides of the road that wound itself against the mountains leading to Darjeeling. Clicking pictures of the distant peaks capped with clouds. I looked below.

If I slipped and fell into the trough down there, intensely covered with  dark green rainforests, no one would ever discover my corpse again..

I took a snap of the trough.  And then clicked a selfie with the mountains in the backdrop. I smiled as wide as I could.

I was travelling alone.
Though, Siddhanth loved mountains, he couldn't join me for this trip. When I had informed to him I was planning for Darjeeling, he postponed every important assignment for this week, just to join me. Unfortunately  he couldn't make it till the end. 

" Madam zi, should we start? "
The driver asked.

I nodded in negation. And began walking along the side of the road,  distancing myself away from him.

Mountains had always been my weaknesses. I suddenly felt like shouting my name, and see if they return the call.
However, soon I decided against it. Somebody had once me told me, stuffs as such look too childlike.

This wasn't my first visit to Darjeeling. It's my second, in my lifetime of 27.

The last time I visited was two years back.
With Sumedh.

He was typically uninterested in  mountains. However, I hadn't insisted either. He was too keen to not leave me alone, and hence had come along.
And, ruined my trip big time.

My phone was vibrating. I pulled it out of my jacket. 23 missed calls already. I stared at the name, a smile crossed my lips, I waited for the call to end, and switched it to the mute mode.

I was introduced to mute mode some six years back, by Dev.
Till then, I used to always keep my phone in vibrations. It would give me an undue pleasure to be knowing that I was ignoring someone, though too resentful of the terrible ringtones.
He made me realise, I need not let my mind be so sadist. That was unhealthy. I could very well ignore people and have the tingling pleasure all at once, when I checked my phone at some point. But not let the sadist side of me takeover every now and then.

I liked him. Yeah, I did like Dev Dixit.

" Madam zi, if we don't start now, we'll be late to reach. " , the driver signalled.

I did not reply. Neither looked at him. I did not like people interfering into my personal space, my alone times, my introspections. I did not reply to such people, I did not look at them.

Sumedh was my neighbor.
I mean, he started being a neighbor to my company flats, some three years back. I met him in the lifts, on the corridors, at the gym  He was too nice to me.

I was emotionally vulnerable then, dangling between two awkward states of mind, and not really being able to decide if I should see a psychiatrist. I did not initially know if I should welcome him into my life at all. Yes he was good to me. He was intelligent, smart, handsome. A perfect boyfriend material.

However, I was not looking for a love interest.

I knew what I was. I knew how terrible I could prove to him at the end. I knew the fate of relationships I would be in. Yet, just yet, I did not stop him when he kissed me on a Diwali night.

Needless to say, the kiss was one sided. I could not reciprocate. I...did not.

I used to sit beside Dev, silently staring at Ganga, on the riverside. He did not touch my fingers, did not wish to kiss my neck, cheek, forehead, lips.
He loved me, and I liked him. I wished to love him too.
I sincerely wished to.

I did not have any such wish for Sumedh. I was with him, just, because, I was terrified that my fondness towards the loner in me, could prove fatal as I grew, and make me do terrible deeds, in a spree, if I didn't humanise at the earliest. Also, I was afraid. Afraid of myself.

That was it, that was the only thought I had in mind while committing to Sumedh.

" Kuch dhuya hai kuch dua hai
Khamoshi ka saaz hai
Sukha dariya pyaasa zariya
Bheege bass alfaaz hai..... "

I began walking towards the driver again. He was growingly anxious it seemed. My ears however was fixed at the song that was playing on loop on the car stereo. I halted at the distance from which the song was clearly audible. And he stared at me, disappointed like hell. I still didn't meet his glance. Just stole a few.

My parents were killed in a plane crash when I was five. I was transferred to an orphanage soon after, because we did not have anyone in our family who could take care of me. I grew up there, made not a single friend throughout my life till nineteen. Secluded, withdrawn, upto myself. I did not even feel the need to.

Dev was my batchmate, at the engineering school. Soft, shy, and the first human who took the effort to get close to me even after a huge lot of resistance. My resentment soon was nullified by his sweet smile, his amicable personality, and that he never intervened into my personal space. I ain't sure though, if the fact that he loved me, made me feel any special. I only knew I liked sitting silently beside him. Liked listening to him. And I knew, it was not love.

I searched for a cigarette in my jeans.

Every relationship I'd been in till date, had given me certain habits.
This one, is Siddhanth's contribution.
He made me realise, inhaling a burst of nicotine, did, literally calm the anxious soul. And it's fun.

Siddhanth. My colleague. Quite an audacious personality, too rude to people at times, however, never with me.
Sometimes it looked a hypocrisy to me, when on one hand he was barking at the peon, and the next moment, he was being the ever sweet boyfriend to me....

Boyfriend, yeah, right.
His way of defining the relationship. I too pretended he is one, to the rest of the world. To him, as well.

This pretentious segment started a year back, when I joined the new job.
Sumedh had ceased to exist in my life long back.

It so happened that in 2018, I had planned a solo trip to Darjeeling...
Sumedh could not make out the need for me to travel alone, when he was available and interested to tag along.
Even though he hated mountains.
And that was not the first time. I, many a times, travelled alone, and shunned his company, while in the city too...
And that enraged him, he grew suspicious, which in turn enraged me.
How promptly humans could equate my desire to stay alone, to me cheating on them.... ??

I realised... again, how mistaken I was to let him conquer.,...my existence...

One evening, at the riverside, I was staring at the tides breaking against the shores. It was near the end of our college life, we were facing campussings then. Dev was sitting beside me silently, it was all calm, composed, beautiful. This was in the year 2016.
He, suddenly, turned his head to my side. I looked at him too, instinctively.
A chill ran down my spine instantly. There was something in his eyes, I had never seen before.
" Sanyukta, do you think you've hormones deficient in your body?
Hormones that initiate urges, physical, mental, sexual?
Dopamin, oxytocin, oestrogen, endorphins?? "

I did not reply, just kept staring.
If my eyes weren't mistaken, he was slowly changing shape, from a human, to a hungry jackal.

He didn't wait for me to reply too.
The ever amicable Dev Dixit, grabbed my wrist and pinned me against the rock I was sitting on....

I could not scream.
I....did not scream....

Ten minutes later, his lifeless body splashed into the river, so did the rock that I had repeatedly trampled his head with.

It was high tide. I watched his body go with the flow.

A sadness gripped my heart, an immense sadness...

Dev's body was discovered a month later, and nobody reached me. Nobody in the college knew I talked to him, nobody had the slightest idea, I used to sit with him beside the Ganga on certain days.

I liked him, and he wasn't going to rape me either. He was overwhelmed with emotions for me, all of a sudden.
And my adrenaline rush must have compensated the deficiency of oxytocin, so much so that, I killed him.

I....killed him... 

In 2018, Sumedh Choudhari ultimately accompanied me to Darjeeling, against my wish. I tried to keep calm, tried to smile, tried to adjust big time....
He kept on testing me, intervening into my lone time, personal wishes, spaces, every now and then. Just as he had done, throughout the one year of closeness.

Dev hadn't gotten over my mind, the guilt was overwhelming.
Hence, I was practicing self control a lot those days.

The trip ended, I was extremely disappointed with how it turned out..
On the day of our return, he jumped off the car every now and then. Clicking pictures of the mountains and forests and steep slopes and roads. I hardly knew how come things he hated, could make places in his camera reels so often, or was it just a show off, a ritual, the rituals the hypocritical world always loved to abide by..

We had stopped the car at exactly this point, the point... I am standing currently.

He got down. I did too. The driver  disappeared against a bend to probably pee. I followed Sumedh, ended up standing beside him.

And was suddenly overcome with a desire to scream my name at the mountains.

" What the fuck! Stop doing that, you ain't a kid Sanyu!!!  "

Sumedh was staring at me.

That was it.

That was the trigger which shot gusts of adrenaline, off the glands of my body down the bloodstream.

Five minutes later, I was screaming like a maniac. The driver came running, and Sumedh had disappeared into the deep darkness below.

He had slipped while clicking a picture, the driver could make out only this out of a sobbing me..

I did not want to kill him.
Though I knew this could be the fate of us. But trust me, I had never desired anything as such.

It was he intervening into my personal space. It was he, who was judging me.

" Madam zi, it's 3:30 already, why are you wasting so much time here? "
The driver sounded terrible.

I slowly sat on the road. No, I did not reply, neither glanced at him.

Two years to this, today, I'm on my way to Darjeeling again. And I have no explanation why. ' A guilt trip ' , maybe??

Siddhant isn't my boyfriend.
I pretend so, only because the world judges a single woman, and I'm weird yet afraid of the ways of the world .
I cherish loneliness, yet, I can see them crowding around me all the time.
Dev, and Sumedh. They frighten me.

I wish to live a normal life now. I do not love him, but if a pretentious me can actually do things right for me in the long run, if my hormones really find a way, will it not be better for me?? 

Siddhanth loves mountains. And he wanted to come along, to Darjeeling, with me.
And I was too anxious, that the memories would revive, and I may behave like a psychotic. He might find things out.

I requested him to let me come alone.
He wasn't ready.

I decided to change the destination. But he clung to Darjeeling.
Vehemently. Desperately.

I begged to him, to not insist.
He grew anxious, weird, terrifying.

He stared at me, his deep brown eyes, boring through me.
This was last night.

" You're hiding something from me Sanyukta. I can see that. In your eyes. "

" I ain't hiding nothing.
I am only demanding a personal space for myself, and the world has never given me that... "

" If you really need space, why the hell are you with me in the first place? "

" Because.....
Because......  I don't wanna be judged....
There's no one on earth who might save me from my own devil...
I..... I..... I need people, and I do not need them....too...

I.....  "

"  You're mad Sanyukta.
You're not going anywhere alone. I'm coming along, and that's the end of the discussion. "

" You ain't. "

" I am. "

That was it.

The fruit knife sensed all the adrenaline on my finger tip, as I slit his throat in an instant.

Five minutes later, his body lay in a pool of blood in his apartment. And, I did nothing to his corpse. Nothing at all.

I checked my phone. 47 missed calls already. His sister.

I had boarded the early morning flight to Baghdogra.

The police will reach me, eventually

And, I don't wanna die alone in a dingy cell.
Neither at a mental hospital.

I hate people, but I hate being a loner, as well.

" Driver dada.
Go back. Here's your money. "

I walked upto him and handed him notes.
He stood dumbstruck.

" Do not stand here. You won't like what you will witness otherwise.. "

He was still standing, when I jumped off the road into the cleft below. Poor old man.

Poor humans.

Poor outcasts and weirdos.

' Ret si bikhri hu main
Teri zameen ka karam...
Chand ke inn daagon ka
Tu hi toh hai marhum...

Hui main malang!! '

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mVc07qyyYY