Coden and I sat in that closet for what felt like hours. 

Neither of us spoke, not a single word.  The darkness held our silence, weighing it over our heads.  My arms wrapped themselves tightly around my knees, my head dug into my knees, and I breathed steadily.  The silence felt so wrong.  I couldn’t hear footsteps, couldn’t hear victims screaming.  That should have comforted me; we were far enough away from the turmoil that we could enjoy a bit of silence.  However, it didn’t comfort me.  It did quite the opposite.  My shoulders were tense, and my stomach rolled uneasily.

Maybe it wasn’t the silence that had me on edge.  Maybe it was that my thoughts were able to roam freely within the quietness.  They were able to torture me as I pleased with no remorse for how they made me feel.

Flashes of Rosalie bleeding on the floor passed by.  Flashes of Valarie closing her eyes.  Flashes of Coden dying while trying to protect us all.  Flashes of Al coming at me, ready to cut my face off and chop me into pieces. 

Flashes of me not grabbing Dan’s gun.

Why hadn’t I taken it?  It was in my reach, and Dan was distracted by the pain I inflicted in his hand.  I could have grabbed it.  But I didn’t.  Instead I ran for it, leaving the bad guy with the weapon.  How much blood would be on my hands now?  How many teenagers would be killed tonight because of the mistake I made?  How many more people were going to die?

This was what I meant by my thoughts torturing me.  Before we reached this closet, Dan’s gun hadn’t even entered my mind besides the fact that he could shoot us with it.  But now?  Now the scene had replayed itself over and over again, and I could see what I should have done.  Sure, Coden told me to run, but I had time before that to grab his weapon.  I’d stabbed his hand for crying out loud!  I should have grabbed it while I was still down.

But I didn’t.

“I can’t believe I didn’t grab the gun,” I whispered, taking a mental knife and slicing through the suffocating silence.  “I should have—”

“You didn’t have time,” Coden replied.

“Yes I did,” I argued.  “Instead of stabbing him, I could have just grabbed the gun and shot him or something.”

“Do you know how to work a gun?”

I paused before answering.  “No.”

“Exactly.”  Coden sighed.  “And it doesn’t matter, anyway.  Right before we ran, I saw another gun in his pocket.  And who’s to say that he doesn’t have any more weapons hidden away?  We should have known that the weapons they were holding weren’t the only ones they had.”  He sighed again.  “At least you injured him.”

I blinked.  Dan had more than one gun?  Oh god.  I thought we were screwed when it was just one weapon.  And what about Samantha?  How many knives did she have?  Did she have any other types of weapons that we couldn’t see?  And what about Al?  Sure, we got his knife, but were there any other weapons we could have grabbed? 

Maybe some other kids had searched his body.  I doubted they did, but hopefully they checked for a weapon.  That way at least someone else had a way to protect his or herself.

“When do we leave?” I whispered, deciding to let the subject of my incompetence drop.  “We have to find Rosalie and Valarie.”

I glanced to my right, where I knew Coden was seated beside me.  I wished it wasn’t so dark.  Seeing his determined expression would have been comforting. 

“We can leave in a minute or two,” he murmured.  “It’s quieted down, so no one should be around here.” 

I nodded and we fell silent again.  I folded my lips together and stared blindly into the darkness, stomach aching.  I wanted to leave this closet and find Rosalie and Valarie.  Not having Rosalie in my sight threatened to send me in a panic.  I felt responsible for her, like if she died it would be on my watch—it would be my fault. 

My jaw worked.  Though I knew Valarie meant well, the fact that Rosalie was left alone with her didn’t exactly sit well with me.  If it came down to it, I couldn’t count on Valarie keeping Rosalie safe.  Valarie wouldn’t be able to save Rosalie.

But then again—Rosalie wouldn’t be able to save Valarie either.

“Coden,” I whispered, suddenly unable to shake the thought of Valarie having no one to keep her alive.  I’d been so busy worrying for Rosalie that I hadn’t taken the time to think that Valarie had no one to keep her safe either.  Knowing that I’d prioritized made me angry with myself, but I cast the thoughts aside for another time.  “No one’s there for either of them.  Valarie is in just as much danger as Rosalie is right now.  They have no one to protect them.”

Coden didn’t answer, but I heard him shift in his spot.  The scraping of feet on wood told me that he was standing up.  My stomach clenched and all at once what felt like fifty emotions splashed through me.  Anticipation, fear, anger, and emotions that I couldn’t even name.  I anticipated leaving the closet, feared leaving the closet.  I was pissed to be in this situation, terrified to be in this situation.  So many emotions all at once.  It was a wonder I didn’t implode.

“Let’s go,” Coden murmured.  “Let’s go find the girls.”

I nodded before struggling to stand.  My legs felt heavy with disuse.  “Yeah,” I agreed.

Coden squeezed a hand on my shoulder—a sign I took as to stay where I was—before unlocking the door and peering outside.  I grabbed my scissors and gripped them tightly, my teeth digging into my cheek.  The taste of iron filled my mouth, and I winced, unclenching my teeth.  Ow.

“It’s clear,” Coden whispered.  He grabbed blindly for my arm and tugged me out into the hall.  “We have to go back upstairs.”

I nodded, resisting the urge to bite my lip.  I wasn’t about to make my lip bleed as well.  “Okay,” I said, swallowing blood.  I grimaced.  The taste made me nauseous. 

Coden nodded and started down the hall.  I followed, my arms crossing over my chest.  It felt so wrong to be walking through the halls without Rosalie clinging to me.  Like part of me was missing.  I glanced down at my side, stomach churning.  Please be safe, my mind whispered.  But of course Rosalie wasn’t safe.  None of us were.  Please be alive.

I did not miss walking through the halls during the short time that I’d been in the safety of the closet.  Out here, my breathing was too loud, my footsteps too heavy on the floor.  Out here, turning your head in all directions to make sure no one was creeping up on you seemed like the most natural thing in the world.  Out here, it felt like death was closing in.  I missed the closet.

A floorboard creaked in the distance.

Coden and I froze, eyes flicking toward one another’s.  Heart racing, head pounding, I slowly twisted around, my eyes latching onto the hallway behind us.  My gaze scaled the area.  Nothing. 

I let out a short breath of air.  “It’s all right—”

The floorboard creaked again and I fell silent.

Coden grabbed protectively onto my arm, tugging me backwards.  “Let’s go,” he whispered.

I nodded, twisting with him and starting as quietly as I could down the hallway again.  From the corner of my eye I saw movement, and I realized what it was: a teenager trying to find a room to hide in.  My head turned just in time to see a girl slip into one of the available rooms.  I almost laughed with relief.  “It was just a girl,” I told Coden.  “One of us.”

“I had a feeling,” Coden said, distracted.  His attention had already moved elsewhere.

We reached the stairs and started up them.  When we went down the stairs, I didn’t think at all of how loud we were being as we pounded down the steps.  However, now I was utterly aware of how creaky the steps were.  I held my breath as we travelled upward, praying that the captors weren’t torturing someone on the floor above.  What would happen if we got up there just to be greeted by Samantha, her malicious smile glinting like the knife in her hand?

“When we get out of here,” I muttered, “I’m never playing hide and seek again.”

Coden laughed a short, humorless laugh.  “But just think about it: you’d be the best player here.”

I snorted.  “Yeah, but then when the person found me I’d automatically go to stab them in the face.”

“Well, there is that.”

Coden and I glanced at each other and tried to smile. 

“By the way,” I drawled as we neared the landing, “if we live through this, you’re invited to my birthday party.”

Coden smiled.  “I’ll be there.”

Our small, non-existent light conversation fell away as we reached the landing.  My eyes scraped our surroundings.  I was just waiting for Samantha or Dan to pop out of nowhere and kill us.  It was a struggle to breathe steadily.  If Dan were to show up, I had no doubt that he’d seek revenge.  He’d kill Coden first, then me.  He’d want me to suffer for hurting him. 

When the hall seemed to be clear, Coden and I made our way toward the room we’d left Rosalie and Valarie in.  I pointed to the room, my hands shaking.  What were we going to find in there?  Would Rosalie and Valarie be all right, or would they be on the floor, lifeless?

Coden and I reached the room.  Coden didn’t hesitate before stepping inside, his head twisting from left to right.  I, however, paused, sucking in a long breath of air.  What was I going to do if I saw Rosalie or Valarie on the floor?  What was I going to do if either of them were dead?

Please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, I thought, closing my eyes for a moment before reopening them.  And then I was stepping through the threshold, braced for trouble.

“Rose?” I called softly.  “Valarie?”

Coden took another step into the room.  “Rosalie, Valarie?” he murmured, eyes sharp.

We searched the room from head to toe.  Every single possible hiding spot.  We called their names as loudly as we dared, but neither Rosalie nor Valarie answered us, and neither of the girls came out.

Finally, after all of the spots had been uncovered, we took a step back.  Coden looked at me, his eyes filled with countless emotions.  “They’re not here,” he said.