The Faded Rose by SGnGigi

CHAPTER 1 (Chapter Title)
Contemporary Romance (Genre)
Tall, Dark and Mysterious stranger (Themes)
First Person Past (sometimes slips into First Person Present)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)
---------------- 8.01.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. I can tell you have big plans for it. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (contemporary romance)
- clear time period (modern)
- clear MC (check; Hayley)
- few characters introduced (no: Hayley, Lucy, Mr. Mathews, David, Jade, Lisa, and the man she meets. Seven characters. A bit too many.)
- tension / suspense (somewhat low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (not clear, perhaps her meeting this man)

There are a lot of good things in this story. You have a strong female lead who is level-headed and responsible. She's got her own business and she's mature in responding to others. She's not quick to anger or overly dramatic. Overall, her character was well drawn up. I like her independence which isn't something you see too much of in these types of stories (at least, I haven't).

There isn't much I can say about the male lead because we don't really get to know him. His presence at the end leaves a lot of questions. Why was he eating alone? Why was he there for so long? Where does she know him from? These are great for dragging a reader along. The current ending, however, does not bank on that. In fact, it wraps things up rather well, and in doing so, takes away the bang that the chapter could have ended on.

While there's no law that says a chapter should end on a cliff-hanger, I highly recommend it. There are so many stories to choose from and we have to make sure ours entices the reader. With that in mind, this brings me to the second issue: the 'IT' factor. What is it that sets your story apart from all others in that genre? A strong female lead cannot be the determining factor. When someone picks up your story, why will they prefer it compared to yet another story with a similar book cover? What is your unique trait that you are bringing to the table?

That is the one regard which I felt needed another look. Think back on most of the stories you've read or the movies you've watched and try to remember the first scene and how compelling it must be. As of now, I do not know what the plot might be for your story. I don't know if she wants something (even love) and she's in search of it. I don't know what to expect from the rest of the book. I don't know what she'll try to achieve and what stands in her way. I feel like I've reached a cafe with no colors and no indication WHAT sort of eatery it might be. There's a sign on the door warning me that there's also no menu and only one meal--yet it doesn't say what. Do I take a chance and go in or do I go to the flashy cafe the next block over that says 'doughnuts, doughnuts, go nuts?' I think the choice would be clear.

So set your theme, set your plot, and let the reader know why your story is so much better than all others! Good luck!

P.S. Please take a look at the 'comma splice' tutorial when it becomes available. I think a refresher's course could clear up some of the minor grammar issues for the better!

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

Fairly Tale Retold (LynaForge)