King Eden by RowanCarver

Chapter One: Z (Chapter Title)
Dystopian Science Fiction (Genre)
Earth Humans vs. Mars Humans (Themes)
First Person Present (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)
Chapter 2 critique available upon request

---------------- 8.16.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Science Fiction)
- clear time period (Future)
- clear MC (check: King)
- few characters introduced (few: King, Z, Warlords, three other characters)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes/no)

So my reason for critiquing this was purely selfish. I came in second after this title King Eden. And I looked at it, thinking, "Where have I seen this before?" And then I looked and low and behold, in the first part of chapter 1 is my critiquing disclaimer. I'd critiqued this story on July 25th. Instantly, I became concerned. I didn't remember this story, not really. I mean, I did but it didn't stand out as something to check back on. I scrolled to find my critique and it also said the same thing, "great idea, but not quit there yet." So then I started to panic. And I panicked because I worried I'd missed a gem because of my 'one chapter' rule. That shouldn't happen.

I read it again, for a selfish reason, to figure out what I'd missed. And WOW, did it ever change. From July to now, mere weeks, you transformed this thing into a juggernaut. No wonder it came in first. It's clear, concise, imaginative, political, heartfelt. It's got it all. And the fact that you achieved such a stark change in a matter of weeks is inspirational. I'm beyond impressed.

We start off with a typical 'earth is dead-dying and we've got a ragtag crew' scenario. But that's only what's on the surface. Humans have colonized Mars successfully and while earth ails under looming death caused by an unknown illness, Martians have discovered how to cure them—for a price. Surrender to Mars and be saved. Now, that's QUITE an opener.

It's now the prologue but with how small it is, I wonder why it's just not stapled to the top of chapter one and call it a day. So now that I've sung your praises for getting into the grammar groove and making this pretty street urchin into a princess, let's talk about some areas that might need a second look.

Know that the technical aspects of your story is sound and getting better with each edit. However, you need to brush up on 'dialogue tags' and 'comma splices' as well as 'how to write a name when addressed in dialogue.' The video TUTORIALS in this book can get you there for a few of these. Also, I'm concerned that the feeling of urgency isn't intensifying as the chapter goes on. BUT the pacing is good and we get the much-needed info right there so as is, the chapter works fine.

Keep it up. Your fast paced-improvement is an inspiration.  Happy writing!

(end)