The Impossible Fate That Leads To A God Of A New World Volume1 By LuciferVermillion

Chapter 1.1 -- The First Person, Lucifer Nightwalker (Chapter Title)
Fantasy (Genre)
Starting a new life (Themes)
First Person Present (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 9.05.2020 -----------

Hi,

Thank you for letting me read your chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter:

- clear genre (Fantasy)
- clear time period (future / AU)
- clear MC (Yes but no name )
- few character introductions (check, MC/ Principal/ Restia, Ruby)
- suspense / tension (no)
- a life-changing decision / event (unsure)

There's something to be said about purists. They are serious about their craft and they show it. I think in this sense, you are a purist. And that is very much a good thing. The cover of your book looks like anime, and your chapter reads like an anime episode. If that was your intent, you did a fantastic job. I could follow the MC throughout the story clearly and that's an important first step.

Within the first chapter, we established a few important things. For one, he has some sort of super human power. It was presented so subtly that it was neither jarring nor off-putting. The casual way he jumps in the beginning and lands unscathed did so much for the character.

Another good point about the chapter was the character's voice. He was very likeable. I will admit, he blushed a bit too much for a boy, but that might just be his personality. If he stays true to the anime style, this is another feature that is probably going to stay. Correct?

There are a lot of great things to be proud of about this chapter, but there are also a few concerns. The biggest one so far is the issue of First Person Present tense which isn't used effectively in this chapter. In fact, it's inconsistent throughout. As a consequence, I was often dragged out of the story because of the sudden switching of tenses.

Another issue is the MC's way of speaking about someone else, but he never tells us WHO this other person is or how they are related.

Can you imagine if I come up to you and say, "Can you believe that guy? He's such a jerk. He stole my purse and refused to give it back!"

Naturally, you'd ask me, "Who?"

To which I reply, "And I just know he's not going to give it back. Not in a million years. That's the way he is."

Your response would again be, "Who are you talking about?"

But I never tell you. In fact, I keep gong without EVER letting you know. Don't you find that frustrating?

Another issue is the pacing. We follow the MC through a lot of dead-ends. I call them dead-ends because they don't lead anywhere. This is possible in anime because we have lovely visuals to keep us interested. But in fiction, all we have is the story. To go somewhere and nothing happens there, is a problem. He lands at the school, in a VERY cool way to...nothing. Okay. Then he follows a path to...nothing. All right. Suddenly he's somewhere else and he sees a tree that leads to...nothing. He climbs that tree and finds...nothing. Then finally, a girl appears. I don't know about you, but it's not fun being lost. And while he DOES get lost and this is important for the story, does he REALLY need to get lost to find the tree and the girl? Or can he just...find them?

The last point is the conflict. Every story needs a problem. Take the classic "Jack and the Beanstalk." Jack has no food or money, that's his problem, so he sells the cow for beans. Bigger problem? His beans are useless and his mother's angry. Etc. I see your tree, but not your problem. What is the MC's problem? Without knowing it, it's hard to root for him. If Jack took his cow to market then took his cow home and nothing happened in between, that wouldn't be a fun story to read, right?

So what is this MC's problem? Where are you taking this cow and why?

(end) If you found this critique useful, please give a shout out. Also. Please check out the FIRST DATES section of this book. Help out the first dates out there.

I make covers for fun and started fiddling with yours. hahha. I hope you don't mind. If you want any of them, let me know. The quality is very low because I used a screenshot of your wattpad cover but...I think it didn't turn out so bad.