together (we'll set this world on fire) By kaelin541

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Fan Fiction (Genre)
Family | Abandonment (Themes)
Third Person Present (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 9.14.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Teen Fiction)
- clear time period (Present)
- clear MC (check: Ino)
- few characters introduced (few: Inochi, Mother)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (Not Sure)

I read to chapter 2 of this book. The writing style was good but the punctuation was often incorrect. Still, it wasn't a terrible concept and it flowed well even for a 25 minute chapter (wow). That's a pretty BIG chapter. One issue (the main issue) I had with this story was that I could not determine the clear pot (what did the main character want? how did she plan to get it? and what was standing in her way?). But that confusion could be because it's fan fic.

I respect fan fiction writers because they have to not only make an original idea with an established setting, but they also have to keep the essence of the original story as well. Because this is fan fic, a lot of the setting and character arcs are already pre-loaded and well-known by the true fans. And therein lies the problem. I have never seen even one episode of Naruto. So while a true fan won't need background information on a character, a new reader might not be as fortunate.

That's the category I fell in. Things weren't explained in great detail so I often 'guessed' what they might be. I wasn't always right. This doesn't mean there needs to be any changes. For proper feedback, you'd have to find someone who is familiar with this genre. If you are targeting fans and non-fans alike, however, then there needs to be a better balance with the delivery of the world-building, in my humble opinion.

(end) If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.