Memories Knit by Hailey Payton (AdultOfTheFuture)

The Awakening (Chapter Title)
Mystery (Genre)
Impact of Memories(Themes)
First Person Present (inconsistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌗🌚)

---------------- 9.25.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Mystery)
- clear time period (Unsure)
- clear MC (Penelope)
- few characters introduced (few: Penelope, Heath, Austin, doctor.)
- tension / suspense (good)
- a life-changing event/ decision (Yes)

I get the feeling that you requested my critique because of some worry that your writing didn't live up to your expectations but I can put your mind at ease (should I have such a power) to let you know that it certainly does. In a lot of ways, your writing far surpasses many I've read, not just on wattpad. You make a conscious effort to use all the senses of your character. Your type of writing is what 'book' lovers CRAVE. They want to get lost in the moment. They want to feel what the character feels. In fact, escapism is quite possible with your techniques.

But a draft is a draft is a draft and it needs distance. I think you do need to forget your story and reread it to get a proper feel for it. Let me talk about the part that surprised me the most, the part I hadn't expected.

Your MC wasn't particularly nice.

There's a very thin line between snarky and rude. She was rude. For snark, we need wit. Now, she's just come out of something jarring so it stands to reason that she's prickly but it's a bit too much. If that's the way you want her to be, then okay, but if not, then I'd say the words to myself a few times before committing to each part of her dialogue.

Another aspect is the story itself. I didn't understand WHY they had to hang out with Austin so much. They were already married. Why hang out with Austin and even go on what appears to be dates with him? It makes the situation super suspicious and it further serves to paint her in a terrible light.

Now let's get into aspects of your writing. From here on out, it's an opinion and you should get several from people you trust (not the ones who tell you what you want to hear) before making your decision.

Your writing is very young. I call it young because it makes the typical mistakes we all do when we start out.

-Adverbs instead of strong verbs. i.e. He ran quickly. —> He raced. He dashed. He hurried. Etc There is usually a strong verb you can use.

-Filter words. I know, I see, I hear, I realized, I notice, I feel (these are words that filter the action, and they rob your reader of the full impact. "I heard the drums of war." —> The drums of war pounded in my ears. I smelled the burning bodies. —> Ash from dead bodies hung on the breeze. Because you are using First Person, these filer words leave your entire chapter awash with, "I" over and over again.

-Too much motion. Not every motion the characters engage in is necessary.

-Wishy-washy words. Seemed, as if, like, these aren't necessary. "He seemed ready to cry." No. SHOW us ready to cry. "His lips trembled; tears welled in his eyes." Or even just state it. "He was ready to cry."

You asked me about the chapter itself. I will say that your writing isn't the problem. It's young writing now but it will get stronger and if this is how it looks at the early stages, you'll be a powerhouse before long. But the chapter itself, well, there are a few things I'll be blunt about.

It's cliched. The waking up scene is known as a cliche. Personally, I think you did a good job and I didn't mind it, but, but, but, I must say that...chapter one could do with some tweaking. Because in truth, you established the character and set her up well. You showed her current situation of everything that came back to her. But her situation was rushed at the end. We spend SO much time on her waking up. And only waking up. So that when we get to the actual action and motion, things get glossed over.

Why not tell her right away what happened? Why was Heath crying and carrying on like that? How did the doc assume she lost 1 year of memories? Because he asked her these questions before establishing that she wasn't fully recovered. It seemed like the doc knew from the start she'd forgotten. That makes no sense. The doctor didn't ask how she felt, or sit her down and explain why she was where she was. He didn't ask her for her name, then date of birth, address, etc etc. It should be something normal at first then boom, they realize she's lost her memories. Isn't that how it goes? Even if she's irritated.

"Name?"

"Penelope Taylor."

"Age?"

"Thirty-Five."

"Address?"

"This is stupid—"

"Address," the doctor demanded.

Annoyed, I grumble it. He writes it down but pauses.

Heath hurries to look over his shoulder. He then tells me, "The new address. You and Austin just moved in, remember?"

Moved in? Our move in date isn't for two more months. Heath and the doctor trade a glance.

"Ms. Taylor, what's the date?" Dr. Beverly asks.

This is also stupid but I'm too tired to argue. I say, "October 20, 2018."

Etc. etc. and through this, we see it unfold. Or even have her say 'age 33' instead of '35'.  I think that would serve a better purpose. But a lot is left unanswered in the first chapter, which leaves me feeling unsatisfied. But again, this is an opinion and you are free to decide against it. I would have preferred less on her waking up and more about them realizing she'd lost the memories. But that's just me.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.