Soul Harvester By SallyMason1

1 -- Touch of Death (Chapter Title)
Science Fiction (Genre)
Life vs. Death (Themes)
First Person Present (fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.06.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Science Fiction)
- clear time period (unknown)
- clear MC (Jacey)
- few characters introduced (few: Jacey, Oliver, Mariam, Josh, Tom)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event / decision (not clearly defined)

Lately, I've been getting an uptick in critique reviews. I'm not really sure why. Today, I received feedback about a critique that described me as 'not for the faint of heart.' That was surprising. Until now, I'd considered all my critiques gentle. Honest to my thoughts and feelings, but gentle.

I don't read blurbs and I don't read prologues. And when I sat down to your story, I came to get wowed. I must say that you succeeded. The prose was good and the flow was nice. Other than a random comma splice, not much could be said about your grammar or punctuation. You have that on lock. The story setup was also good, I thought.

You painted a brand new world and all small aspects of it left me wanting more. Once it was over, I considered the story for a long time. Would I read on?

For this story, I was ambivalent. But I didn't know why. Not at first. Here's my disclaimer: I'm a lazy reader. I'm not in love with beautiful prose or being spirited away. You are very skillful in the way you write so I decided to not think about why I wouldn't read on, and instead ask myself why I would.

For the world-building? Yes. A lot of questions arise. I'd thought this was a story about the occult because she was using body parts to form a portal. The fact that it was a sci-fi story threw me. If it's science fiction, why does she need hair, teeth, and blood? And whose?

For the writing quality? Yes. Despite the few instances of past tense in a first person present, it was still easy to get into.

For the mystery or unanswered questions? Oh yes. They were delivered well and left me wanting more.

For the title? The premise? Yup. Both were very interesting.

For the character?

And then it occurred to me: there was no pull.

I'll give you a good example of a story I thought had pull. It's called Sirens by Siennafrost.

I didn't like every single thing about "Sirens," but there was a huge pull. I couldn't stop reading it—I couldn't even pause. And that pull was by the character. The character wanted something. And she wanted it bad enough that I started to want it for her. What did Jacey want? I don't know.

Did she want freedom? No. Because she's resigned (that scar on her back reminds her) there's no sense in seeking freedom.

Did she want to stop with the harvesting? Perhaps but she never straight out voices that. She doesn't convey it beyond a sense of guilt. Because she still carries it out.

Did she want to kill Oliver? Not as indicated.

But a bigger problem arises as the story comes to a close. It makes one thing very clear (in my opinion)—the character is contemptible.

Steady your 'strongly-worded rebuttal' writing fingers. I'll explain. The story is the vehicle, but the character is the fuel taking us into this new world. You might be missing a few hubcaps here or there, a few commas, a few details, but if you've got that fuel, and good fuel, you can get far.

Many stories run on fuel alone. I don't know if that's the case here. It's a great opening but each time she takes a breath to convey her own feelings or a desire, it's often with a wishy-washy wishful thinking. She's got no drive and no convictions. And let's not forget, the scar on her back, whatever it meant, was worth more to her than a human life. A human life she snatched away in front of CHILDREN. The skin on her back was worth more to her than keeping her morals. I'd thought there was a mechanism or a spell inside her that forced her to do what she'd done. One she couldn't resist. And there is a PULL that drags the souls. Only to find that she COULD resist it, she HAD once, but whatever was done to her in retaliation, she feared it more so than becoming inhumane.

And because she gives us no feelings or thoughts or desires beyond the task at hand and perhaps a glance here and there at the past, we don't get to know her substance now. She's basically the shadow of a person masquerading as a woman—for the first chapter at least.

It would have helped if she saw herself anew in that mirror. It would have helped if she compared what she'd become to what she used to be (maybe what she'd originally wanted for herself). And then perhaps look at Oliver's reflection and realize he hadn't changed; he was a monster then, and a monster now. And now she was a monster, too. But because we don't know what's at stake for her, what would justify her actions, and they are willful actions at that, instead of the scene painting just how abhorrent her task is, and how much she hates it, it instead paints her as abhorrent and cowardly.

And that also would be fine, if she wanted to change that. But she didn't. She's adrift and if I'm looking to escape into a new world, I'm at least going to select a boat with oars. And maybe a decent (if not half-broken) compass.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

Paranormal (LynaForge)