Utopia Fading by Artelina_020

000&001 (Chapter Title)
Science Fiction (Genre)
Free Will (Themes)
First Person Present (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.13.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Science Fiction)
- clear time period (unknown)
- clear MC (Ava)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Ava, Adrian, Celine, Victoria (Tori), Stephanie, two others mentioned)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (not clearly defined)

I'm constantly amazed at some of the young talent on this platform. I sincerely mean that. To know that you two are out there doing your thing so soon is pretty inspirational even to my old self. Thank you for that.

This is a pretty ambitious premise. It's got a lot of potential. You asked me privately if it's a bad story. I cannot tell you if it's good or bad because it's just now taking form. I can say that the writing is d*mn good. The delivery...not so much.

Now that you are so early in the writing stages, I don't know if it's a good idea to actually edit yet. Editing as you write is like eating as you cook. Sometimes it's the forest for the trees. But in the event that you get stuck at any time, let me advise you on a few things.

Make your words count.
It seems like the book is endless and you've got pages and pages to fill, but that's not true. Each scene, each chapter, each plot point needs to do double duty. If she's afraid of heights, that's gotta come up later on in the book. If she meets someone, that's gotta come up later on (or set the groundwork for something later on) in the book.

Don't start at the end.
Leave the end to the end. By starting the entire story where the book ends then flashing back, some readers might be turned off. I know you say it's not a spoiler but...things are linear for a reason. Use it now to get the story moving but once it's done, read again and determine if it's really NECESSARY to start with the end. Especially when the end essentially reveals who lives and who dies.

Name only those who are necessary.
In your head, you've got a full cast and a full world and they are all worth your time. But when you put them in motion in a scene, we have to give equal attention to ALL of them. And if they aren't really actively doing something toward your plot, if they are just...'fixtures', Cut. Them. OUT.

Each chapter is a mini book.
Gripping intro, engaging middle that feeds into the plot, and cliff-hanger ending. Rinse and repeat.

The first chapter is your first date.
Imagine it as a person and if that person is rambling ON AND ON AND ON, then you're checking your watch and assessing each exit, right? Same for the reader. The first chapter is meant to:
- Give the reader a taste of what's to come
- Introduce your MC and their conflict
- Set the story in MOTION (start it, it's not meant for build-up or to give atmosphere)
- Some first chapters open a question that the ENTIRE book will answer

For now, I think it'd be best if you start with Ava and Adrian and rework that chapter 1 scene to show Adrian's distress and why. Have them meet where they meet now, but with less people and give them a moment together. While there, explain WHO he is and WHO she is and what this occasion means to them. Because it seems that ultimately, this entire book is going to be about whether or not it's right to give your freewill away and follow laws blindly.

It's a pretty ambitious endeavor.

Things to look out for:
Be mindful of your tenses. If you start in First Person Present. It ALL must be in First person Present. Even the flashbacks. You can show time by saying when it takes place.

For example: The music lulls me. I close my eyes and I'm back in tenth grade, two days before my birthday. Mom is in the kitchen humming one of her terrible songs. Dad's outside mowing the lawn. Me? I'm choking on a cookie in the living room with no one there to see.

SAY when it is and what action brings the character there, then use First Person Present. Then when you are done, you take the character BACK into the present with yet another statement.

For example: I roll around. Our dog Maggie, runs to me. I reach out, grabbing at her and she barks, alerting mom to my distress finally. As she enters, she fades and all is white then black then colorful again. I open my eyes to the here and now. I'm no longer in tenth grade. Mom's no longer here—cancer. Dad's God knows where. And me? My situation hasn't really improved. Only this time, it's blood I'm choking on.

Etc. etc.

Keep at it and don't worry about making it perfect the first time you do it. Just get it out there. Good luck. You know where to find me!

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

Science Fiction Fantasy. Tech vs. Magic  (LynaForge)