Ryder by charlottemallory

C1| CHEETOS AND SURPRISES (Chapter Title)
Contemporary Romance (Genre)
Competition (Themes)
Third Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌗🌚🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.22.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Contemporary Romance)
- clear time period (present)
- clear MC (Julie)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Julie, Jeremy, Ryan, Ryder, Andrew, Johnny, Wes, Jarred)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (Yes but unstated)

I pride myself in honesty while being gentle and I'm going to be as gentle as I can with you because I can see that the things that might trip up your chapter, were things you did deliberately in an effort to make your chapter full. But where most moms would stop at a helmet, you've perhaps given your child knee pads, elbow pads, shin guards, water wings, goggles, a preemptive neck brace, a mouthpiece, an athletic cup, a catcher's face mask, some shoulder gear, and a bulletproof vest. And that'd be fine if he wasn't just going outside to get the mail.

It's padded. And that's not a bad thing because shuffling things around is easier than building things up. This might be my first time encountering a story where the objects are given prominence but the people aren't. I know about the walls, the ceilings, the ring, the gym itself but I know little to nothing about the MC beyond the superficial and beyond what happened to her brother.

And I think I know what the problem is...there's too much focus on HER. But she's the MC; there should be focus on her! you say. Yes. This is true, but not this much.

I feel like this is a Third Person Past trying its best to be (yet not be) First Person Present. I think the current Third Person Past is the best choice, but you don't have to put so many protections up. Trust your reader. They'll put two and two together. It's like the part where it says...

Andrew pulled the blinds to block out anyone witnessing their conversation.

Or something to that effect. As I mentioned before. Simply stating.

Andrew pulled the blinds.

... would be enough. We all know WHY he did it. Telling a story is like showing one side of the ball, the unseen area is for the reader to figure out while STILL seeing that visible surface area only. As such, we've got to make our words and our scenes do double duty.

You helped me a lot with my chapter you reviewed. Because of your feedback, I've decided to dump nearly ALL of chapter 2. And I LOVE chapter 2. But your feedback reminded me of something VERY important—if it does NOT further your plot (no matter how much you love it) it's got to die. It ABSOLUTELY has to die. Because these words are our lines on the canvass, they are the strokes, and we can't just make them for the hell of it, EVERY aspect must do double duty because we only have the ONE side of the ball to play with while somehow showing the reader ALL of it. The patterns on the one side should paint the picture on the entire thing.

Originally, I'd intended to go back and do a few example rewrites but ultimately, I couldn't because simply put, there were a lot of empty spaces. By empty spaces I mean characters would stop moving we'd get a fashion show...about the room. Is there any way you could SPREAD out that info?

FOR EXAMPLE:

Ryan is:

Tall
Playful
Tattoo sleeve
Built like a brick sh*t-house
Has a thing for her

To convey all this, we can use the entire ENTIRE chapter.

This is only an example but CONSIDER:

—

Ryan towered over Julie, a smile teasing his lips as he threatened, "You giving up those chips or what?"

Julie cut him a glance. "I'm busy."

She opened the door to leave. A strong hand held it shut.

Eyes squinted, Julie followed the tattoo sleeve on Ryan's right arm up to meet his somber expression.

"Not without my chips," he repeated. Despite his confident smile, the longing behind his gaze said he was asking for more.

They'd both long decided that wasn't going to happen.

At six-foot-four, two hundred and fifty pounds of solid muscle, chiseled features even the Spartans would envy, moving him was an impossibility.

Julie had no choice; she stared him down.

Ryan groaned. "No. Don't make The Face."

The ugly pout on display finally broke him and he dragged open the door.

"Fine. Keep your chips."

—

You want to keep your characters in motion as much as possible. Imagine a gust of wind passing through, painting the black and white picture into color as it does. Also, and this is the biggest one, the plot. The plot needs to be what you push forward. Without reading your entire story, it's bold and presumptuous of me to think I can give you solid ideas for your first chapter but as it stands, I'm sorry to say, there are just too many static areas.

My HUMBLE suggestion is this (and it's probably impossible to do depending on what each character signifies for the story)

1. Have her sneaking her snack (it's cute and it's relatable)

2. Have Ryan BUST in, (not casual, BUST in) "We've got a problem."

3. Julie's the casual one, still trying to hide her cheat snacks. "That's not uncommon 'round here."

4. "It's Johnny."

5. Julie drops everything. Why? Because of Warlord! Crap, Johnny was their hopeful for such and such. They didn't have many. With this you've created their CRISIS, and now you need CONSEQUENCES. Why does that matter so much? Is it the prize money? Could it go a long way to fixing the place up? Or just getting them a better reputation and thus better fighters joining?

6. Then here comes an unlikely solution...Joey Ryder.

This would be the entire chapter. Not much has to change. I'd reduce the names down to no more than five. The ideal is 3 or less. You've got Ryan, Andrew, and Julie. But she is doing this all for Jeremy. So he's four. And Johnny'd make five. Ryder'd be six but it's doable.

But this won't work if Johnny's never mentioned again. Everyone you name, has to matter. EVERYONE. They have to show up again somewhere and have some contribution to the plot. If not, Cut. Them. Out.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

- LynaForge