So Close (a James Hetfield story) by Jamiesgirl82

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Teen Romance (Genre)
Friendship being enough (Themes)
First Person Past (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.28.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Teen Romance)
- clear time period (Unknown, he past)
- clear MC (Leila)
- few characters introduced (few: Leila, James, Kelly, Ron)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)

Well.... Here we are.

After much thought and deep contemplation, I've decided to give you three critiques. Each will be for a different function of your work.

AS FAN FICTION
If you want to know what I thought of your first chapter as a fanfic, then I think it's a success. And no, I don't mind that it's 44 minutes if it's meant as a fanfiction that takes a fan away from reality for a bit.

It does what it's supposed to do and then some. And considering how smooth it is, then I don't think a true James Hetfield fan can go wrong with this story. In fact, they may fall into it and never come back.

So with that, critique number one is finished and you can leave this page now without a hint of worry.

.... But you're still here, so I guess it's critique number two. How your story might go over with someone who's not a Metallica fan, but knows 'enough' about them. If that's what you'd like to know, then go ahead and read on. The final critique will be this piece as an original story.

AS FAN FICTION FOR A NON FAN, JUST A CASUAL READER
I wasn't sure how 'honest' to be until I saw this comment from you.

"Thank you for the grammatical edit suggestions, sorry the chapter was longer than you were expecting."

Longer than you were expecting.... Hmmm. Here's the thing, the length isn't something I planned to critique on. I always say an author must write for him/herself and I honestly mean that. It was the first bit of advice I got when I initially tried to be a writer and it's kept me from going crazy for the last twenty years.

"Write for yourself. That way you'll always have at least one fan."

I believe it and I will stand by it. So if you felt your chapter needed to be 44 minutes long (roughly 10k) then that's valid. I went through a few chapters and even the last one to find it a whopping 60 minutes long. That's what? 14k for one chapter? Who am I to argue? Only you will know if that's what the chapter requires.

On to the critique. Will you like what I have to say? I'll be honest, probably not. But is it coming from a genuine place? It really is.

Before I criticize your work, let me criticize my own. I'm not an expert. As you can see, I'm also not a successful writer. If I'm honest, I might never hit a home run. I've accepted that. But the thing that keeps me grounded and satisfied is that I like what I write and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. So when someone comes with a critique of my work, I'm defensive at first. Then I let it sit for a bit before thinking about it and deciding if it's true. And even if it's true (Sentinel 555) I still will have the final say on whether or not I make a change.

I hope you are just as stubborn as I am because my intent isn't to discourage you.

Let's get the good out of the way. The writing is good. No ifs ands or buts. It's good. And the prose was fine. Some repetition here and there and the dialogue tags were a mess but for the most part, the prose was fine. In fact, I think any casual reader who isn't a pendant could get through your entire book without wanting to throw the eBook reader against the wall.

So that is not the issue. You're a writer. You're skilled and I think you know that. You are great at painting pictures. Your segues are also good. And say what I will about your punctuation, you know what you're doing behind a typewriter.

Now with that all out of the way, I'll focus one thing and I'll keep to it.

The payoff.

I don't think you deliver with a payoff.

I'm old and I suspect you might be a bit seasoned yourself. As this is essentially fanfic, I will tread lightly because you'd only write something like this if it TRULY mattered to you, like TRULY, TRULY mattered. So I hope you'll read my tone as respectful because that is my intent.

When I was young and ran into fanfic, there were a lot of rules in place. The first rule was never to write about a 'real' person. You could write about the characters of a book or a show or a movie but NEVER using the actor as the character.

Times have apparently changed.

What does this have to do with 'the payoff?' I'm getting there. I'm not a Metallica fan so I was pretty sober going into this story. No. I don't dislike them. I know the words to most of their bangers and King Nothing and The Memory Remains are two of my all time favorites. I even like their version of Whisky in the Jar. So I'm familiar with them, but since I'm from the Napster era, I also know how friggin' litigious they can get and I haven't forgiven that slight. (Sorry. I'm getting sidetracked). So I'm no fan because for the most part, Metallica isn't known for their 'romance,' not by me anyway. However, I heart their music. This probably plays a factor in how the story 'read' for me.

When I first started your story, I should have realized it was fanfic but I didn't. And the writing was good so I allowed myself to picture this as an original story. And it can survive as an original story. But it's not. It's a retelling of a real person's life, accompanied by a Mary Sue. (Stop clutching your pearls. It's a Mary Sue). And I don't mean a Mary Sue as in "You wrote yourself into the story." No. I mean a Mary Sue as in, "This character's a BIT too perfect." Pretty, in shape, can sing, can play music, she's smart, she's popular, etc. etc. She's perfect with no flaws. Even has a well balanced home-life. But that's not even the real issue because if it's a fanfic, it stands to reason that FANS of this man would read it and, of COURSE, they want a character they themselves can relate to and follow around.

Here's the thing, it felt uncomfortable. I, myself, have a very weird life. I got married for the first time at 17. I skipped the country shortly after with my new husband. Got 'returned' home alone after we were forced to separate in a plan that went south (I won't go into details). And it was a big enough eff up that we ended up on two different continents by mistake while in transit. Two more years before we met up again in the flesh. One bounty hunter and a few state warrants later, I started college. So...even though that all sounds like something out of a novel, it's LITERALLY my life and if I'm not sure how I'd feel about someone rewriting it and putting themselves in my story.

So the part about his mother and his home life...felt uncomfortable because I've seen interviews (I'm sure you have, too) and it's something that affected him to the core. But this is but one story and he'll probably never see it, so what's the harm?

TRUE.

But if someone who isn't a Metallica fan (or who doesn't know who he is) reads this story, can they get enough out of it? Is there a payoff?

There is not.

Despite the good writing. Despite the good story. Despite the smooth segues and believable scenarios, there is not.

Why?

Because there is nothing exceptional about this story.

It is as by-the-book a teen romance as you get.

- Grew together and developed feelings (check)

- Never confirm those feelings or confront them (check)

- Never tried to be more but it didn't work out or something like that (check)

- Never confirm that they can't be more (check)

- Both of them never dated ANYONE (check)

- One runs off rather than 'risk' their friendship by ASKING "do you like me, circle yes or no" (check)

- Dating others to 'get over him' (check)

- They act like a part-time couple (check)

- People mistake them as being together (check)

- Pretend to be involved to throw off a sleezer (check)

- Part ways in dramatic fashion when there's a hint of a relationship budding (check, and check)

Time is money. So it's valid for me to say time equals currency. You have demanded 44 minutes from a reader. That's fine. But at this moment, with a story that is paint-by-the numbers, it feels like paying $200 bucks for a hamburger. And that's okay. It's perfectly reasonable to charge that much for something. But at that expense, the special sauce on that bun better be called "gorilla armpit" or something equally as insane.

Where's my gorilla armpit sauce? There was none. I didn't mind the 44 minutes, not really, because I'd expected that end of chapter one to be E.P.I.C. And why not? Tolkien charged a lot, and delivered the gorilla armpit sauce and then some. So it's perfectly rational to expect something unique for such a price.

I took a bite and you know what? It was a beef patty from my local store. Not terrible but nothing exceptionally groundbreaking. So while it wasn't Wal-Mart quality (thank goodness), I'd wager it was still the Target level.

All things considered, I'm not sure you can charge so much time for such an average story.

But the epic bits come LATER, you say? Well fine, then why invest this much time in the non-epic bits? I'm not sure I'm willing to roll that dice. Nothing so far is telling me they are going to do anything off the cuff. Are they gonna try a relationship, she get knocked up, drop out of college and he leaves her once his career takes off??

Doubtful.

AS AN ORIGINAL STORY
I'll be honest, I think it can work as an original fic. You'd need to spice it up a bit but it could work. I LOVED hearing about them as kids. I LOVED getting to know them being so playful. I loved their back and forth until she started going on about how they can't work because she's sure he doesn't love her although they are both capable of human speech and have never uttered the words, 'Hey, how about it?' to each other? And that one chapter could equate to three. Or keep it as one if it's awesome enough.

So in the end...time is currency.

- As a fanfic for fans, it does the job.

- As a fanfic for non-fans, there was no payoff.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

LynaForge