mother i feel lately like some eldritch terror rat king, beautiful in all the wrong places, a christmas village on fire in the background of a star, do you know how i could fix that?

mother mother i haven't been able to breathe the past few months because whenever i open my mouth dust falls out and makes a mess all on the floor, all on your floor, all over the carpet and the wood and the rotted linoleum you've been letting go bad for years.

mother mother mother i have never been further from home. never have i been further from you and the hummingbird feeder and the crown jewel of the county line rd sewer plant. never have i forgotten more of what it means to be your flesh and bone, to feel what pain you've made out of your life.

rat king, rat king, my tail tangled around those of my preschool friends, tied to our past like a shackle on a cold concrete floor, hand nose mouth ears eyes all dark. found by the farmer in the morning and thrown to the wolves at night.

rat king, rat king, rat king, born to rule over this dead kingdom and these dead people and all of the dead music from all of the dead instruments and my dead self. sifting through ruins for mystic meanings and kissing whatever asks me to. i was never someone who could say no.

mother, i am asking you to take out the nail gun this time. please do it nicely, aim for the fat. mother, i wonder if there was ever a time you wished you could have done everything different. if you ever wished you taught yourself how to listen to bruce springsteen and let go of everything inferior. mother, untie my tail from this nest it's caught in.

i promise i'll forgive you, i have it in me.