Dorcas: Where’s my chair?
Lily: Remus broke it over Evan’s back while they were wrestling.
Evan: Correction, Remus was wrestling. I was eating soup.

Dorcas: Which country has the most birds?
Dorcas: Portu-geese!
Evan: That's a language.
Dorcas: Portu-gull?
Evan: Good recovery.
Lily: I think you mean good re-dovery.
Remus: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY?

Lily: What do we think of Evan?
*pause*
Dorcas: *sighs* Nice pal.
Remus: I think they're gay.

Lily: What’s up with Evan? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?
Remus: They're just a little overwhelmed.
Lily: Why?
Remus: Barty smiled at them.

Remus: I am convinced Dorcas and Lily share a brain cell.
Evan: And it's not in use very often, it seems.

Remus: When I see really attractive people like Evan, I just laugh because I know if we lived in the Aztec culture, they'd be sacrificed for their beauty.
Lily: I mean, that's one way to cope with not being attractive.
Dorcas: Works for me.

Lily: What’s your biggest fear?
Remus: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone.
Evan: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back.
Dorcas: Zombies.
Remus: ...
Evan: ...
Dorcas: BUT they can open doors.

Dorcas: Remus is taking credit for Evan's work, getting them to deal with everything, and making fun of them! You know what they sounds like?
Lily: You?
Dorcas: No, I meant... You know Evan. In spite of being clever and sarcastic they’re also... fragile and weird and they have trouble fitting in. And Remus is taking advantage of their weakness! You know what that’s called?
Lily: A Dorcas?
Dorcas: ...Yeah, but I’m the only one who should be allowed to do that, okay?!

Dorcas: Why did you kidnap Evan!?!?!
Lily: Ah- um- well- the reason for that is, uhh...
Remus: Sometimes, we must work together towards a common goal.
Dorcas: NOT TO KIDNAP PEOPLE!

Dorcas: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff?
Remus: Um, murder???
Lily: Adventuring!
Evan: Tuesday.

Remus and Lily in the back of Dorcas's car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!
Evan: We have food at home.
Dorcas: *pulls into the McDonald's drivethrough*
Remus and Lily: YAYYYYYY!
Dorcas: *orders one black coffee and leaves*

Remus, about a fight between Lily and Evan: It scares me how many knives were involved.
Dorcas: There… weren’t any knives involved though?
Remus: That’s what scares me.

Evan: You guys worried about Dorcas?
Remus: Totally!
Lily: Yeah, they called me in the middle of the night and just yelled, "what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?"
Evan: And what'd you say?
Lily: "I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, I dunno."
Remus:
Evan: They're lucky to have you as a friend.

Lily: I have a question.
Remus: Shoot.
Lily: Is the S or C in scent silent?
Evan: Fuck you, I’m going to be thinking about this all day.
Remus: Okay well, cent is pronounced the same way as scent so I’m gonna say the S is silent.
Lily: Okay, but sent is also spelled the same way.
Evan: Google says that the C was added in the late seventeenth century, so I guess the S is silent.
Dorcas: Plot twist, both the S and the C are silent and the E actually makes the sss sound.
Evan: Dorcas is not allowed to talk anymore.

Dorcas: My stomach growled super loud in French.
Dorcas: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class.
Remus: Bonjour.
Evan: Le growl.
Lily: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

Remus: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.
Lily: Weight loss? Drink water.
Evan: Clear skin? Drink water.
Dorcas: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

Evan: What is love?
Remus: An emotional minefield.
Dorcas: A neurochemical reaction.
Lily: Baby don't hurt me.

Evan: I didn’t know that air fryers are a real thing. Used to think that they were made up by the internet as a funny joke and that their purpose was to “fry air”.
Remus: WAIT, BUT IT FRIES THE AIR TO FRY THE FOOD??
Evan: I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A KITCHEN APPLIANCE, MY FIRST ASSUMPTION WAS SOMETHING AKIN TO AN AIR CONDITIONER!
Dorcas: IT’S NOT LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER????
Lily: You guys clearly don’t own an air fryer.

Dorcas: Why are you two always out during rainstorms?
Remus: It’s so peaceful and refreshing. I love the smell of rain.
Evan: Lily bet me I couldn’t get struck by lighting, but they’re WRONG.

Dorcas, gesturing to Remus: Evan, look what you did! You made Mom upset!
Lily: Mom, please don’t cry, we’re sorry!
Evan: I’m sorry Mom... :(
Remus, near tears: I DON’T REMEMBER GIVING BIRTH TO ANY OF YOU!

Remus: How do Evan and Lily usually get out of these messes?
Dorcas: They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.

Dorcas: Why are Remus and Lily sitting with their backs to each other?
Evan: They had a fight.
Dorcas: Then why are they holding hands?
Evan: They get sad when they fight.

Evan: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
Evan: *aggressively throws water bottles*
Remus: Uh... what's up with them?
Dorcas: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
Evan: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
Lily, crying: It's working.

Evan: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?
Remus: *crouches down*
Lily: *kneels down*
Dorcas: *sits on the floor*
Evan:
Evan: I hate all of you.

Evan: How did none of you hear what I just said?!
Lily: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
Remus: I got distracted halfway through.
Dorcas: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Remus: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.
Dorcas, Evan, and Lily: Okay.
Remus: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.
Dorcas: Bold of you to assume I have money.
Evan: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.
Lily: Bold of you to assume I can die.

Lily: What are the hardest things to say?
Remus: I was wrong.
Evan: I need help.
Dorcas: Worcestershire sauce.

Remus: What's the most efficient way to burn calories?
Lily: Exercise more!
Evan: Set yourself on fire.
Dorcas: There are two kinds of people.

Remus: Hey, Dorcas, how are you doing?
Dorcas: I have hit my head three times, I’ve lost my favourite shirt and forgot my bag at school.
Remus: Oh, ok! That’s pretty good!
Dorcas: Yup!
Remus: I lost my phone and my cat died.
Dorcas: Hey, not bad compared to last week.
Remus: I know right!
Lily: Are they okay?
Evan: I don’t think they are.

Dorcas: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.
Lily: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.
Evan: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?
Remus: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

Dorcas: I haven’t slept in 72 hours…
Evan: I haven’t slept in 80. I’m the insomnia king!
Remus: Ha! I haven’t slept in 90 hours, I’m aiming for an even 100.
Lily: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Dorcas, to Remus: When was the last time you let someone hug you?
Remus: *thinking*
Remus: 2012.
Lily: 2012…?
Remus: Yeah. I almost died and it really freaked Evan out so I let them hug me.

Remus: I'm bored.
Lily: Wanna commit first degree murder?
Remus: Sure!
Dorcas, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Evan down!!

Dorcas: *tapping fingers on table*
Remus: *taps fingers back furiously*
Evan: …What’s going on?
Lily: Morse code. They’re talking.
Dorcas: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -
Remus: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Lily: Made you all playlists!
Lily: Dorcas, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.
Lily: Remus, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.
Lily: And Evan has the ABBA Gold album.

Remus: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
Dorcas: No, that's not how you make cookies.
Lily: FLOOR IT!!
Remus: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?
Dorcas: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-
Remus: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!
Evan: DO IT!
Dorcas: NO-

Dorcas: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
Lily: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
Evan: A realist sees a freight train.
Remus: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Lily: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Dorcas. They're mad at you.
Dorcas: No, it's Evan. They're just being gramatically correct!
*meanwhile*
Evan: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them.
Remus: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.
Evan: I stand by my choice.

Dorcas: Hi could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire?
Lily: Microwave for 40 minutes.
Evan: WHY WERE YOU MICROWAVING A LEMON?!
Lily: I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells and I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges, but I didn’t own any pots…
Remus: Did you burn an orange too? HOW?!
Lily: Microwave for 40 minutes.

Remus: Good night.
Lily: Sleep tight.
Evan: Don't let the bedbugs crawl up to your ear and whisper threatening things that make you question yourself.
Dorcas: Great, now Lily's crying.

Evan: A SPIDEEER!!!!!!
Dorcas: KILL IT! SMASH IT!
Remus: BURN IT!
Evan: STAB IT! WITH A KNIFE! GET ME THE SHOTGUN!
Lily: Awww, it’s so cute! Look at it!

Dorcas, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.
Lily: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...
Remus, visibly confused: Okay, so they decided to put the cutting board in the oven?
Dorcas, spraying Lily: You FUCKING DUMBASS!
Lily: Dude, I forgot-
Dorcas: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!?
Evan: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

Remus: Why do you act like we’re three year olds?
Dorcas, exasperated: WHY?!?
Dorcas points at Lily: YOU TRIED TO HYJACK A CAR!
Dorcas points at Evan: YOU NEARLY JUMPED 20 FEET OFF A CARPARK!
Dorcas points at Remus: AND YOU ATE MULTIPLE DRIED LEAVES AND ROCKS OFF THE GROUND!
Dorcas: AND YOU ASK ME WHY????

Dorcas: Fight me!
Remus: Ha, look at your size! What are you gonna do, kick my ankle?
*Later*
Lily: Why is Remus crying?
Evan: Dorcas kicked them really hard on the ankle.

Evan: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city.
Remus: Well, that was entirely predictable.
Evan: One of them punched a gang member.
Remus: Lily?
Evan: Dorcas, actually.
Remus: Oh, that was going to be my second guess.

Lily: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?
Dorcas: A character!
Remus: A setting!
Evan, a gleam in their eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.