"I'll take you to the children's museum with us if you promise to behave," I told Leif later that afternoon. Halley was there supervising a visit and the kids wanted to go, and I figured Paramjeet could use some time alone. She was currently in the shower after having slept until two.

"I'll do no such thing," he protested. He'd made smoothies and was drinking his from the blender. The bruises on his neck were fading, and he'd mostly covered them with makeup. "But I do want to come."

"No deal, I don't need four kids to watch." I rinsed out my cup, the taste of strawberries and bananas lingering on my tongue. 

He rolled his eyes at me over the blender before finishing it and putting it in the sink. "Fine," he said grudgingly, running water into it with a squeeze of dish soap. "Fine, I'll behave."

An hour later he was seated in the flightless helicopter in their outdoor yard, pretending to fly half a dozen kids around, complete with announcements and sound effects. Jasper sat in his lap, copiloting, and Shiloh had Hank in hers. He had a big "Yellow Kitty" bandaid on his forehead. 

The kids had made a beeline for the old aircraft, and we hadn't seen Halley on the way in. I sat on a bench, scanning the surrounding people for her. The outdoor area was fairly large, with several small exhibits and play areas. The museum was the perfect place to people-watch, and right then was mostly populated with toddlers and their mothers since the big kids were still at school. 

A little boy came up to me and held out a mess of paper and tape about an inch from my face. "I made dis truck!" he said proudly. 

"Wow, you did a really great job," I said earnestly.

"See dat? See dose wheels? I made dem. With Mommy." He looked around until he found her behind him, approaching with an amused look, and pointed. "That's my mommy, her name is Mommy. C'mon, Mommy!" He ran off, hollering "Bye!" over his shoulder at me.

"Thanks for showing me your truck!" I called after him as Mommy and I exchanged indulgent smiles. 

I heard Halley laughing then and my heart skipped as I stood, searching harder. Finally I spotted her by the large bubbles display, waving an oversized wand around to create a cloud of iridescent bubbles. The guy she was supervising played at the far end of the table with his kid, and she stood with Natasha, the employee Leif had been turned down by. 

My heart sank a little, which I knew was dumb. Just, this girl was so gorgeous and radiated self confidence, with warm brown skin and big anime eyes that were always friendly and all-inclusive. I mean, I was developing a harmless little crush on her myself, so why wouldn't Halley?

I wanted to go to her, but something stopped me. Her bun was unraveling and she handed the wand to Natasha, tugging out her hair band so it all fell heavily down her back. She caught it up and wrapped around and around, snapping the band back in place and patting it twice. 

I wasn't the only one watching, either.

They looked good together.

I mentally kicked myself for being so emo. My brain had been getting away from me lately, things seeming bigger and worse than they were, happiness a little more out of reach. Sadness a little more encompassing. Too sensitive about shit. I knew it was time to talk to Therapist Sarah about a med change, which I hated dealing with as it was never fun adjusting to it. 

"Auntie Mary! Can you take Hank?" Shiloh's little munchkin voice piped up, breaking me out of my ridiculousness. She held him at the edge of the helicopter door, which was three feet off the ground and had a little ramp for bigger kids to maneuver up and down. 

"Sure." I got him and he patted my back and looked around with satisfaction as his siblings exited via the ramp. Such a people person. "Okay, I see Auntie Halley over by the bubbles. But!" I said before they could take off, setting the baby down. "Remember, she's supervising a visit. So be calm and say hi but we can't just stand there and talk to her." 

Someone should tell Natasha.

"Why are you so salty looking?" Leif asked as he joined me, the kids running ahead with Hank holding his sister's hand. He had on a minimum amount of eyeliner and had started dying his hair dark brown instead of black, which looked better on him. 

Being out from under his evil father's iron fist made him stand up straight, even if it was the only straight thing about him. He had a cockiness that was clearly appealing to many, and plenty of the moms there alone were subtly checking him out, though I was ruining it for him because they assumed we were together.

"I'm not," I lied.

"Mmm," he disagreed. A redhead going by with a whining baby beamed at him and then turned it down when her eyes met mine. He returned it before his eyes fell on the kids' destination. "Ohhh," he said with a chortle. "Oh ho."

"Shut up," I told him tiredly. We went past the tiny shallow pond, where guppies darted under lily pads in fear of our shadows. Bees were speckled on the abundance of colorful flowers planted around the pond. It was sunny and felt like more of a summer day than a fall one. 

"It's not saltiness, it's jealousy I see. Silly girl," he said, shaking his head. "She loves you, dumbass. You." He shoved me a little so I fell off balance. "And you have nothing to worry about."

"I know," I said, wishing it was true. But I'd thought the same thing about Caleb, trustingly sent him off across the country alone without a second thought, and look what had happened. Halley is not Caleb, I told myself firmly. Which, obviously.

"Buuuut?" he coaxed, catching the eye of another mom, who tripped over her own feet when he said hi to her. 

"But look at her," I said, as if it was obvious. We were almost to them, the kids gathered around Halley excitedly even though we'd seen her not two hours before. I got it though. 

Leif sighed, stopping and closing his eyes at my apparent stupidity. "Hi, so the good news is you're beautiful too, I promise you this, and your girlfriend thinks you hung the fucking moon. Now please, I'm tired and I don't have the energy for more pep talking so can we please just be realistic about this? Thanks." He patted my head and became part of the bubble crowd.

Halley waved me over and squeezed my hand; we didn't do much PDA in front of her clients. "Hey, sweetie, you know Natasha, right? Natasha, my girlfriend, Mary." 

I would never get tired of hearing her say my name, especially in conjunction with the words "my girlfriend".

"Hey, of course, hi Mary," the other girl said in her raspy voice, her smile genuine. "You guys having a good time? Keeping everyone out of trouble?" She smirked at Leif. Her eyes were hazel in the sun, shades of green mixed with amber and brown. "I'm lookin' at you, Fancy Nancy."

He blew bubbles toward her face, not unflirtatiously. "I'm being good," he said. "After all, Santa starts watching the day after Halloween."

The kids' heads all rose, including the baby's. "He does?" Jasper asked, and you could see the wheels turning in his mind.

"It's not nice to manipulate children like that, Uncle Leif," Shiloh said matter-of-factly, spinning in a circle with her wand. "Santa will bring presents even if we're not perfect every minute of the day."

We all laughed.

"Called out," Halley said proudly. She's the one Shiloh had heard it from, no doubt.

"Yep, she's got you there," Natasha agreed, pouring more of the solution into the long table. 

"She does," he said graciously, checking his phone.

"Halley? We're headed over to the climbing rock," the father she was supervising called to her. 

"Gotta go," she said, hugging me briefly and squeezing me so tightly the air was pressed from my lungs. "Love you! I'll be done in an hour." She waved at the rest of them and jogged to catch up with the dad and kid, her turquoise backpack slung over one shoulder, water tucked into the bottle pocket on the side. She had on a long black skirt with colorful, delicate flowers all over it, and had stripped down to a black tank top that I knew was as soft as it was nicely filled out. I beat back the impulse to run after her for the kiss I felt I'd missed out on.

"Tough job," Natasha observed, watching my love. "Don't know if I could do it."

"She's the best," I said, meaning it. She was perfect for her job; good with kids, strict with the parents, and able to remain somewhat detached. "At everything, but at this job especially." Pride was evident in my voice, which made sense because I was really proud of her.

"She's great," she said easily, picking up one of the wands that had fallen to the ground and placing it back in the shallow table. "I don't think I've ever heard her say anything bad about anyone."

In all the many times you've talked to her? I refrained from saying. 

Leif saw it on my face, though, and stepped in. "We love her, I for one can't wait to be Tug's maid of honor at the wedding."

"Remember when you were gonna marry Uncle Caleb, Auntie Mary? Then he had his accident and you got in love with Auntie Halley. I'm glad you did. I love her and like her more than Uncle Caleb, but don't tell him that. Don't tell Uncle Caleb I said that, Jasper, did you hear me?" Shiloh rambled, using the bottom of her yellow dress to wipe soap off Hank's cheek. 

"'Kay," he said, watching them. He didn't like to get his hands wet or sticky.

"We all like and love her better," Leif said cheerfully. He was a little peeved that his twin didn't spend much time with him since his recovery. Part of that was Caleb being pissy because Leif lived with us, which he undoubtedly saw as traitorous, knowing him. "Especially Tug." 

"Hey, did you guys see the caterpillars in their cocoons we just set up?" Natasha asked the kids, dropping down to their level. "A few have emerged already."

"They're also called chrysalises," Shiloh mentioned. "Or chrysalides, which I like. Do you have any monarch ones?"

"She sure knows a lot," Leif asked in a low voice.

"Yep," I said less than graciously, half listening to the kids get a lesson on butterflies.

He eyed me closer. "You know what? You've been kinda moody lately. That seasonal depressive shit or whatever always gets you, remember last year at this time was when you started taking the Welbutrin."

He was right. "I was thinking of a med change," I admitted as the kids followed Natasha to another corner of the yard, where there were clear displays and information boards. 

"Did you know butterflies eat with their feet?" the pretty employee was asking, down on their level again. Jasper's Giants beanie was pulled down too far over his eyes and his shoe was untied. He and Shiloh stood with Hank in between them, each holding one of his hands as they all listened intently to their temporary teacher, and my heart was almost painfully full of a fierce love for them suddenly.

"Good," he said to me. "You deserve to be happy and shit, okay? So tell Sarah or I will."

"Okay, Mom," I said, and moved to kneel and tie my nephew's shoe. 

"Whoa, that one did a backflip," Jasper said of one of the newly hatched butterflies. 

"I wish I could do a backflip," Shiloh said wistfully. "I should learn that."

"I can do backflips," Natasha confided, almost sheepishly. "Only 'cause I do a lot of gymnastics. I mean, I always have. Since I was little."

Of course.

"Really?" My niece was attentive. "How many can you do in a row?"

Natasha shrugged a little. "I guess as many as there would be room for me to do," she said, as if it was no big deal, but she grinned self consciously. "Or until I get dizzy, at least. It's not that hard. You could totally learn."

"We've been meaning to get them into gymnastics," I put in, telling myself I would have said "we've" and not "I've" to anyone. "Can you recommend a place?" I could have kicked myself as the words left my mouth; now we would undoubtedly run into her in her leotard or whatever if they took classes there.

I knew I was being dumb but I couldn't stop the negative thoughts, which was also a bad sign. Fuck. Why couldn't I just have been born with a normal brain? One that didn't require special treatment and chemical balancing and neverending therapy?

She gave me the name of the place and after a few minutes we moved inside, where we played until Halley was done, and then stayed for an additional hour. 

I never got tired of watching Halley with the kids. I was grateful every day for her and sent the thought out multiple times to the universe or God or whatever, whoever may be listening. 

As if knowing what I had and fully appreciating it would somehow promise I would be allowed to keep it.