We put the kids to bed and I called Hazel's rehab to find out what the hell was going on. They told me she had a pass for the day and night and assured me she was passing the random drug testing. I told them they were mistaken, and they gave me false assurances and platitudes, and I ended the conversation because it was going nowhere.

I went back into the living room. Leif was in the big chair with a sleepy Paramjeet, whose top half was laying on a pillow across his lap as he braided her hair. "Hi," she said morosely when she saw me. The teens were cleaning up in the kitchen, at Nate's insistence. 

I liked that kid more and more every day.

"Hey, welcome back to the world," I told her gently as I sat on the couch next to my girlfriend, who fell across my lap in much the same position as Paramjeet.

"So tired," Halley groaned. 

"So full, you mean," Leif corrected, patting his stomach with the hand not holding the braid. "Not that you did more than pick at your food, Rapunzel. But me? Oh my God, I may never eat again."

"Yeah right; you'll be in the pie within ten minutes, watch," I countered. 

"I might be, in the cherry one at least," he admitted, licking his lips and correcting a mislaid strand. "And the apple. Mayyybe a little pumpkin. Wait, is there pecan?"

I ignored him and finger-combed the gold tresses under my own hand, eyeing Paramjeet. "You hungry at all?"

She shrugged. "Maybe in a little while." 

There was a burst of laughter from the kitchen and we heard Nate singing. "Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test! Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherié, and we'll provide the rest." His sidekicks joined in with exaggerated French accents to match his. "Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres, why, we only live to serve, try the grey stuff, it's delicious! Don't believe me? Ask the dishes!"

We all had to smile at them as they continued it for another verse. Noah had plugged in the air mattress in the teens' room after refusing Nate's offer of the new bed. The three beds now took up the room wall to wall, serving to remind me that we really needed a bigger house. "This house is too small," I mused aloud. One of the Fast and the Furious movies was on, the volume low since no one was really watching it.

"We need a mansion. Ooh, or a hotel," Leif enthused. He was done with Paramjeet's hair and was looking at his phone. "We could totally use a hotel."

"Um, no," Halley said sleepily, her voice a little raspy, which was hot. She'd gotten up at five to start cleaning and cooking and hadn't woken me up until almost nine. I was so spoiled. I shuddered to remember what life had been like before her; luckily I could barely recall. "Who would even clean that? And I don't think we need to encourage you whoring around, but nice try."

"Ohh, she's got jokes, kids." He made a face. "Funny lady. Whatever, dude. We could use some of the rooms for like homeless people, that's up your alley." He finger shot me. "And, like, injured crows and shit. The siblings could have their own floor, it'd be perfect."

"You're high," she assured him, her eyes closed now. "Mmm," she said about my fingers in her hair. 

"True," he allowed, eyebrows going up as the teens went by; Joey with two plates full of desserts leading Nate, who was giving Charlotte a piggy-back ride, with Noah bringing up the rear carrying sodas and another plate of pie. 

Paramjeet sat up and Joey stopped abruptly so that Nate ran into him. "Dude!" he exclaimed.

But my little brother was distracted by the little crush he'd always had on my beautiful friend. "Hey, Paramjeet," he said casually, and we all cringed a teensy bit inside for him.

"Hey, Joey, guys," she said, managing a small smile as she smoothed little hairs back into place.

"There's plenty of food," Charlotte told her as she slid down to the floor. She didn't mind her boyfriend's innocent fanboying and was always reaching out to Paramjeet in little ways, wanting to help. I wasn't sure how we'd lucked out with all these kids being so good, though I supposed Leif's siblings in prison had balanced out the scale enough.

The wan smile continued. "Thanks, Charlotte. I'll get some soon."

Joey still stood there, watching her put chapstick on now. Nate gave him a little push. "Go, Joe." He and Char exchanged amused looks as the starstruck boy finally stumbled forward and continued their journey to the bedroom.

"Thanks for cleaning up, you guys!" I called after them, not loud enough to wake up the kids.

"Our pleasure," their friend returned. "Especially after a grand feast such as that. Beef ragout, cheese soufflé, pie and pudding, on flambé!"

"Oh stop it," Char told him as the door shut behind them. 

"Neverrr," came his muffled reply.

"Want me to make you a plate?" I asked Paramjeet.  Halley was asleep now and I hated to move but I would.

"No, thanks. I will." She stood up and glanced back at Leif, who then had like an entire silent conversation with her. 

What the hell?

"Um," I said, perplexed by their facial expressions. "What are you guys doing?"

He sighed hugely and stood up as she disappeared into the kitchen. "Come smoke with me dude, we need to talk."

"I don't smoke," I said automatically as a thrill of fear went through me. The last time he'd said those last words were when I woke up in the hospital, and then he'd told me about Elle. 

"Yeah, and let's hope you don't start again after this," he said with false cheerfulness. "C'mon."

Leaden with trepidation, I gently moved my love's head off me and onto a small pillow so I could follow him. He grabbed hoodies for both of us and tossed one to me as we went out onto the porch. It was Halley's, and the smell of her enveloped me as I pulled it on, calming. "Did someone die?" I made myself ask as we sat and he lit a cigarette. I couldn't imagine who it could be.

He looked at me, startled. "Shit, no, of course not. Nothing like that. It's just . . . " He took a drag and blew the smoke up and away from me. 

"Meow?" PK ran up and commenced purring loudly. Poe wasn't far behind, landing on the railing with a thump and flapping his wings once to keep his balance. He croaked a greeting at us. 

"Bird," I said automatically, in limbo, eyes on Leif as he pet the cat.

His eyeliner was smeared a little and his brown hair needed dyeing; the blond roots were showing. "Don't freak out," he started, and ran his hand down his face. "Okay? Just, try to hear what I have to say and don't tell me I can't, okay?"

"God dammit," I said in exasperation. "What the hell are you talking about?"

He took a deep breath. "I'm gonna go with Pammy back to New York," he said in a rush, the words almost connected.

It took me a slow, stupid second, and then I realized what he meant. "No," I said, because what he really meant was he was going to fly, on an airplane, and they were the number one killer of people I loved. People I needed. "No," I said again, louder, feeling my stomach bottom out. 

"Tug," he implored, turning toward me. The crow reprimanded him sharply, gliding the short distance to my shoulder to preen my hair. Cars lined the streets from families celebrating the holiday.

All I could see was oxygen masks dropping, Leif's face floating among them, panic etched on his features as he fell to his death. "No," I said again, but it was a whisper because of the lump in my throat. "Please, you can't." I had long ago accepted that Paramjeet would have to fly because of her job, much as it vexed me, but I'd never dreamed Leif would ever have cause to go on a plane. 

And of course I loved Paramjeet very much, but Leif was Leif. My best friend for life. I couldn't fathom sacrificing him even for such a noble and even necessary cause.

He knew all this and his arm came warmly around my shoulders as he hugged me to him. "I have to, dude. We can't let her go by herself, you know that. You know that. And who else is there?" He squeezed me again, taking another drag, and I hated him a little for smoking when I couldn't. I hated that he was right. 

I hated Paul most of all for being a fucking monster and forcing us into this situation.

I crossed my arms on my drawn-up knees and rested my forehead on them, all my emotions warring with each other until they kind of . . . stilled. I knew he was right but I simply could not fathom letting him go, so it all froze. Her family wouldn't be any help if they went. There was no one else.

His arm around me was strong, safe. Probably nothing would happen. Most planes stayed in the sky. Most people stayed alive.

I didn't even know I was going to speak. "She wanted to tell me something. When they were doing the warnings and instructions and everything? She tried to tell me something, and I shushed her." I could hear my sister's sweet voice, in my head, in my heart. I wanted to tell you . . . okay, so you're gonna love this . . . "I didn't want to miss the safety shit, you know? Caleb said to pay attention. And then I forgot to ask her what she was going to tell me." My cheeks were wet but it was like I was just reciting a thing that happened, and the sorrow was someone else's burden. 

He kissed the top of my head, the one who had been there with me through it all but this, and we had never talked about it. "Sucks," he said, his voice thick with tears. I could hear the cat purring in his lap, feel my bird tugging my hair as he preened it to soothe me.

"City of Angels was the in-flight movie," I said, my voice far away. I knew he'd seen it, though I hadn't ever finished it and he had no idea it was what she and I had watched. It's the story of an angel who falls in love with a human and comes to earth in human form to be with her. The next morning she's hit by a truck while on her bike, and he watches her die in an incredibly heartbreaking scene.

Because I didn't ever have cause to think about the movie, I hadn't realized how similar it was to Caleb's accident. Now it didn't seem to matter. A kind of numbness was taking over me. Iris played on head radio, of course it did. And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be. "And Maggie had just died, the girl in the movie, and Elle was crying because it's sad as hell." I gestured, finding the words. "Suddenly we just. . . dropped, they said it was turbulence, told us to sit down and buckle in."

His grip tightened further but I didn't mind.

"She asked if it was okay, and I said yes," I whispered now, the words unable to find a voice to carry them. One of the last things I ever said to my sister was a lie, not that I could have known, but it hurt. "I told her to put her seat belt on. Everything was shaking, jolting. The masks came down and hit us in the face, suitcases and backpacks dropped from the overhead storage." I could see and hear it all in my head, a vision that was actually real this time. "There was a little baby, she was crying, everyone was crying. Because we knew."

He made a choked-up sound, and I wanted to stop, to save him the pain, but the words poured out unbidden. I'd never told anyone. I lifted my head, the streetlight blurry through with tears. Several houses down a family was saying goodbye as they got in the car, and I wondered who had been missed at their table this year. And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life, and sooner or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight.

"And then we fell," I finished simply, the most terrible four words in the English language when used in this life-ending context. 

And it was terrible not just because their lives had been taken from them but because I'd been left with mine, equally devastating outcomes that none of us on the plane had a say in. 

He was bawling now and it broke through my shell, compounding my grief. I put my hand on his knee and he turned to pull me to him, crushingly tight. "I'm sorry," he said into my hair. "I'm so sorry, dude. It's so fucking unfair we have to live without her, that it happened to you guys." He wiped his sleeve across his eyes. "This world is so fucked up, we'll never understand why."

We sat like that for a few minutes, until he could stop crying and I could talk again. The cat gave up on us and went around the back to his cat door, but Poe sat solemnly by and bore witness as he had many times before. The crash scene was a still shot in my mind's eye, mangled limbs and jagged chunks of fuselage everywhere, hands slick with blood. When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

"I get why you have to go," I said finally, because I did. I sat back up again, pulling my hood on against the cold. "But it's going to kill me a lot. You can't drive?" I would have hired a private plane if they were safer than commercial jets but I knew they were not.

He sighed again. "They want her there Monday, they just told her today. Even if we left like right now and drove straight through it would be Sunday when we got there, she'd have no time to prepare or anything." 

I jumped at my next thought. "But you can drive home," I pointed out, which was a huge thing. I was so grateful that we had money, and therefore options. "And take a nonstop flight there."

The crow made a noise of interest at my tone. 

"We can do both of those things," he agreed, relieved that I was done protesting and sharing devastating memories.

"I don't want you to go," I said stubbornly, just so there was no question. "I really, really, really, really, really don't want you to go." The family down the street was waving at the taillights disappearing around the corner. 

"I know," he said heavily, and there was no more to be said about it.