Eric didn't sign on again until Monday evening. When the open-door jingle on AIM had notified me that he'd arrived, I debated what in the name of God I'd say to him in order to clear up this whole mess. 

But I didn't need to worry. The standard AOL notification ping drew my attention away from the blog and onto a chat box that had popped up on my screen. 

Sure enough, Eric had sent me an instant message. 

My heart thudded against my ribs as nerves churned in my belly like a bowl full of jumping beans. Would he understand why I'd shrugged off my feelings for him on my blog? I hoped Care had alleviated his concerns. 

AceofClubs: hi Jess

CelibateForLife: hey Eric

AceofClubs: nice blog!

AceofClubs: It's good to see you exploring yourself.

AceofClubs: Ignore the trolls.

CelibateForLife: Don't worry.

CelibateForLife: I won't let them deter me.

CelibateForLife: I'm determined to understand this.

For a few moments, neither of us spoke. I could imagine both of us sitting before our computer screens, palms sweating, while we debated what to say. 

Should I apologize for shrugging away my true feelings for Eric? Pass it off as no big deal? Pretend that Care hadn't told me about his concerns?

If Eric had feelings for me like I did for him, his hands would tremble as he typed his words. Tingles of electric energy would course through his body.

I have to tell him.

CelibateForLife: I'm sorry about what I said in the comments.

CelibateForLife: I just wanted to get Curious off my case. 

CelibateForLife: Honestly, I meant that I didn't want to jump your bones.

CelibateForLife: I mean, not that you're not attractive!!! 

CelibateForLife: You are, but what I mean is...

AceofClubs: It's okay, Jess. :) Relax. I don't expect anything from you.

AceofClubs: We're friends. 

Now I sat there confused. Friends...hmm. That didn't sound like what Care had meant, but maybe he didn't feel comfortable telling me yet. But I didn't want to push him. Not after our little misunderstanding.

CelibateForLife: Thank you for all your support. <3 It means a lot.

AceofClubs: You're very welcome.

CelibateForLife: You said that I could improve the graph.

AceofClubs: yes

AceofClubs: It's almost perfect.

AceofClubs: All you need to do is change the axes from sexuality and romance to sexual attraction and romantic attraction to make it clear.

AceofClubs: It doesn't matter if you have romance or sex in your life.

AceofClubs: Anyone can have that.

AceofClubs: It matters whether you feel the attraction.

Biting my lower lip, I wondered if I could--or even should--be as open with Eric as I was with Care. Probably not. I'd known her my whole life.

Like Care had said, though, he spoke to her about these things without being judgmental in the slightest. Perhaps I could talk to him about anything.

But I should tread carefully so as not to shoo him away.

CelibateForLife: Can I ask you a personal question?

AceofClubs: You can ask me anything, Jess.

AceofClubs: I'm not squeamish. I'm a scientist.

CelibateForLife: I have some questions about attraction if that's okay?

AceofClubs: I'm not an expert on sex or romance

AceofClubs: But I will do what I can to help. :)

My heart thudded against my ribs as I accepted his carte blanche. If we did have a relationship at some point--and that was a big if--we would need to have tough discussions.

But I didn't know when to ask. Or how. 

Should I get these questions out of the way early? Or wait and see?

I'd never done very well with wait and see. Diplomacy wasn't my style--I'd always acted blunt and direct, perhaps a bit too much. If Eric didn't like that, better to know now than later.

CelibateForLife: Can I ask you personal questions about your own experience?

AceofClubs: Ask. Don't hold back. Be direct.

AceofClubs: I like that about you.

A faint blush crossed my cheeks as I sat there interpreting each word. Eric liked that about me. Did that mean he liked me in general or simply that personality trait?

CelibateForLife: I'm still not sure I understand sexual attraction.

AceofClubs: Understandable. It perplexes me sometimes too.

CelibateForLife: Do you...

I stopped. No way! That was a bridge too far. Sure, I could ask Care about how attraction manifested for her, but I certainly couldn't ask him, could I?

CelibateForLife: No, never mind. I shouldn't ask that.

AceofClubs: Ask me, Jess. :) Don't be afraid.

CelibateForLIfe: Do you feel it? Ever? What's it like?

AceofClubs: How much detail are you comfortable with?

CelibateForLife: Imagine I'm a doctor or a scientist like you.

CelibateForLife: Just tell me everything normally.

AceofClubs: Fair enough. Good point. Will do.

AceofClubs: Like all healthy men, my body works.

AceofClubs: Asexuality doesn't mean you can't feel arousal.

Whoo, good. Because it's getting hot in here...

Oh, stop it! Be mature, Jess!

AceofClubs: If I ignore it, the feeling usually goes away soon.

AceofClubs: If it doesn't dissipate, I take care of things.

AceofClubs: None of this changes the fact that I rarely feel sexual attraction.

AceofClubs: In rare cases, I may think or fantasize about a girl and it causes arousal.

AceofClubs: But it's more about other attraction (emotional/romantic feelings) causing that arousal. Does that make sense?

CelibateForLife: So imagining some tender moment can cause excitement?

AceofClubs: Correct. Often arousal happens without any tie to a person.

AceofClubs: Neither condition invalidates asexuality.

AceofClubs: As you said in your blog, aces can desire sex or feel arousal for any number of reasons. You're right.

AceofClubs: That also doesn't invalidate asexuality.

CelibateForLife: Have you ever felt that desire? *deep blush* You don't have to answer.

AceofClubs: yes

AceofClubs: Don't feel embarrassed. It's a logical question.

AceofClubs: I've felt intellectual curiosity about it.

AceofClubs: I wonder how it feels. Physically. Psychologically.

AceofClubs: I wonder if it lives up to all the hype.

CelibateForLife: me too

AceofClubs: I wouldn't put it past myself to experiment if my partner agreed.

AceofClubs: That still doesn't invalidate asexuality. ;) Notice the pattern?

CelibateForLife: yes ;)

AceofClubs: Sexual attraction has nothing to do with action.

AceofClubs: You can have consensual sex twenty times a day with the same or different people and still be asexual.

AceofClubs: No, I haven't done that. ;)

CelibateForLife: lololol

AceofClubs: You can read erotica, watch porn, take care of yourself, and engage in any activity you like.

AceofClubs: It still doesn't invalidate asexuality.

Oh, my God! If my family caught me talking about this with a guy, they'd kill me.

Finally, I could discuss openly about it. In some ways it felt so weird talking to him about asexuality. In another way, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

What's wrong with me?

CelibateForLife: Is it weird that I don't take care of things?

AceofClubs: Not at all.

AceofClubs: All asexual people are different.

AceofClubs: Do what you feel comfortable with.

AceofClubs: When you feel comfortable.

AceofClubs: And not before. :) There's no pressure.

CelibateForLife: Whew! That's a relief!

AceofClubs: No multidimensional policeman will take away your Ace of Hearts card if you decide to explore your body. 

AceofClubs: Curiosity is normal and natural. But not required.

I took a deep breath and exhaled with a sigh of relief. On both counts, actually. I couldn't swear that I'd never explore my body, but I also felt relieved that it didn't matter if I wasn't keen.

CelibateForLife: What about attraction?

CelibateForLife: How do you know if you feel romantic or sexual attraction?

It took a while for me to get an answer. Perhaps he had to think a while to express such complex emotions. Or maybe he wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with the answer.

With a nervous twinge of my stomach, I hoped I hadn't gone a bridge too far. It wasn't my intention to make him feel uneasy.

AceofClubs: It's difficult to explain. 

AceofClubs: As for me, I feel attraction. To women only, not men.

AceofClubs: It's possible to feel different kinds of attraction with different sexes, you see.

AceofClubs: For me, level 1 and 0 = women and men; 2+ = women; 4 and 5 = rare

CelibateForLife: What does it feel like for you?

AceofClubs: Which ones?

CelibateForLife: Levels 2+

AceofClubs: Level 2: Almost a crushing need to discuss all the thoughts that spin inside my head.

AceofClubs: I want to know what she thinks about everything.

AceofClubs: From the most mundane to the most complex intricacies of the universe.

AceofClubs: I want to know how she ticks. How she thinks.

CelibateForLife: <3333 That sounds amazing!

CelibateForLife: I'm the same.

AceofClubs: Level 3: Little touches. Nothing crazy.

AceofClubs: Like holding her hand as we walk along the beach or hike in the forest.

AceofClubs: Perhaps touch her shoulders or back gently to let her know I'm thinking about her. 

AceofClubs: Maybe stroke her hair? :'D I know it sounds ridiculous, but I love long, dark, wavy hair. Running my fingers through it. Like dark silk.

Oh, gosh! I touched the ebony locks that cascaded down my back. Like mine!

AceofClubs: I'm comfortable with massages. Giving and taking. 

AceofClubs: Just normal ones, not...below the waist.

My heart almost jumped out of my chest imagining all that. It sounded like Eric was describing my fairy tale of how a romantic relationship should be. All those tender moments without the nonsense.

CelibateForLife: That's not ridiculous.

CelibateForLife: I like hands. Now that's ridiculous.

AceofClubs: haha, no it isn't. ;) touch is a powerful sense

AceofClubs: Level 4...I daydream about sharing normal life with her. Most of those activities are Level 0, but I imagine doing them while living with her. Sharing a dorm room or an apartment.

AceofClubs: Like a roommate who is my best friend and my companion.

AceofClubs: Going to the grocery store to pick out fun snacks for a nerd day. 

AceofClubs: Watching movies on the sofa. 

AceofClubs: Playing video games, card games, or board games. 

AceofClubs: Hiking up a challenging mountain. 

AceofClubs: Fun companionship, you know? Like a committed best friend who is my partner, but without all the sexual and romantic demands. 

AceofClubs: Gestures should come from the heart and mind

AceofClubs: Not because society dictates it. 

CelibateForLife: OMG that's perfect!!! <33333

AceofClubs: But that's not all.

AceofClubs: I'll get a sense of euphoria when I think of her. 

AceofClubs: Or when we're talking. Or when she's near me.

AceofClubs: When I get an email or a message from her, it makes me happy.

AceofClubs: When I'm waiting for an important message from her, or read something that worries me, my heart decides to prepare me in case I'm suddenly chased by a bear.

CelibateForLife: lolololol I know exactly what you mean. :D

AceofClubs: There's this dream I have.

AceofClubs: It lulls me to sleep every night.

AceofClubs: Perhaps I shouldn't tell you...it's a bit personal. But perhaps it would show romance better.

CelibateForLife: No, please tell me.

CelibateForLife: Pleaaaase? It'll help me understand. I mean, if you want. No pressure, of course.

AceofClubs: hmm all right...

AceofClubs: I imagine her tucked up against me in bed with my arms around her.

AceofClubs: She's warm. And soft.

AceofClubs: She makes this little content sound as she nestles against me.

AceofClubs: It isn't sexual. Just very intimate and trusting.

AceofClubs: Maybe that's Level 3. Or 4. Not sure myself.

AceofClubs: Who knows? Anyway, nothing happens. We just sleep like that.

AceofClubs: Anyway...heh. I hope that helps...You see, it goes beyond platonic? :)

Jesus! My heart prepared me for running away from a bear after reading his words as well. What if he meant me? But I didn't dare to ask. He would have said if he were ready to reveal it to me.

CelibateForLife: Thank you, that helps a lot. :)

CelibateForLife: I'm sure I have level 4!

CelibateForLife: Just not sure about level 5?

AceofClubs: We'll talk about that another time. ;)

AceofClubs: My friends are waiting for me.

AceofClubs: Can we talk again if you have time?

CelibateForLife: Sure, whenever you like!

AceofClubs: Can we chat tomorrow, maybe? ;)

CelibateForLife: after school? before homework?

AceofClubs: sounds good.

AceofClubs: in the meantime I'll send you that article

AceofClubs: the one I promised you a year ago

AceofClubs: the one that helped me quite a lot.

CelibateForLife: OMG yes, please send it. 

CelibateForLife: thank you so much!

AceofClubs: yw! ttyl! 

[AceofClubs has signed off.]

When the standard "You've Got Mail" chime went off, I opened Eric's email. Attached to it was an article called "My Life As an Amoeba." 

Amoeba? The hell?

Well, Eric wouldn't have sent me something offensive. So I figured I'd might as well give it a try. 

As soon as I'd read the first two paragraphs, Zoe O'Reilly's words soothed my concern like a balm on a sunburn. I took my first step into a brave new world.

But there is one group continuously overlooked: The asexual...

I'm out and proud to be asexual. My people are a definite minority group who wish to be recognized like all the others.

School science books make the barest mention of our kind and even then stick to the single-celled variety. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, asexual organisms with more than one cell don't exist. That makes it quite difficult to come to terms with your lack of sexuality. 

I'm not one of those people who makes a big deal about abstaining from sex. I don't have the self-righteous air that's required and my spare time isn't spent thinking about how I don't have sex. I just don't bother about the subject at all.

I find that being devoid of sexuality makes my life a lot easier. By not having a significant other I am following Thoreau's philosophy of "simplify, simplify, simplify." One less birthday to remember, less food to buy and no one forcing me to place someone besides myself first on my list. And a perfect reason for it all. 

Like the scorpion told the fox in the old fable, "It is my nature."

By not participating in that aspect of life, my time is freed for other activities: Building shrines, memorizing Cure lyrics, studying forensic psychology...whatever I want to do. My conversations with friends are about really important subjects like their latest arrest or financial aid woe. No long, convoluted love tales.

Some might say that we aren't really asexual, we just want to think we are. Remember this quote, "I think, therefore I am." Add a couple words, "I think I'm asexual, therefore I am."

As I scrolled through it, her words resonated with me. I couldn't believe I'd found someone who understood my views on sex.

Like the author, I wasn't gay, bi, lesbian, or trans, but neither of us experienced sexuality like a heterosexual either. She expressed pride--not fear, despair, or anguish--and didn't mind standing up and saying that she didn't have sexual cravings.

O'Reilly didn't make it sound like I was a weird amoeba but another expression of humanity. She wasn't some kind of isolated hermit who hated people. Like me, she seemed to have a fulfilling life with good career prospects and friends.

A well-adjusted person.

Just no sex.

Rapt, I scrolled further until my eyes fell on the one sentence that changed my life forever.

It is my nature. It. Is. My. Nature. It is my nature. It is my nature!

YES! Thank you!

I almost leaped out of my desk chair.

In that one sentence, O'Reilly had expressed what I'd wanted to say my whole life. I didn't want to have a husband who ravished my body every night. I didn't dream of raising two-point-seven kids in a giant house with a white picket fence either.

It wasn't a choice or a decision. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the truth.

I'd always felt this way.

When I was four, I'd never wanted to play House like the other kids. I'd never wanted a boyfriend, real or imaginary, even after I'd hit puberty. At the age of thirteen, it'd confused me when boys became synonymous with 'partners-in-petting'. 

Even after I'd met Eric--a guy who I might like to date--it'd boggled my mind why anyone would express love or affection by pounding against my flesh until I began to moan and shake.

Now all the pieces were starting to fall into place.

It is my nature not to want sex.

I didn't hate sex. Or sexuals. Unlike O'Reilly, I didn't even think romance was out of the question as long as I met the right person. I wanted to date guys my age. Hell, I wanted to date Eric!

I couldn't see why most boys seemed to link sexual activity with romantic encounters. Just like the kids in my class couldn't understand my indifference.

Except my best friend Care. 

And Eric. 

For once, an objective person--an author who knew nothing about me--was telling me I didn't have to be ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. Or pretend to be celibate to get people off my back. 

My thoughts and feelings were legitimate and valid.

O'Reilly gave me a word. A term for what I was. As soon as I could name my orientation, realization blossomed within me like a spring flower kissed by gentle rain and sunlight.

I may be an asexual.