Once Mom and I returned from Solomon Pond Mall—tripping over bags, of course—I rushed downstairs and logged into AOL. In a flash, I put an away message up so that I could have some privacy. After deleting my old blog, I began a brand-new one with a fresh username and title. 

LiveDiary—Your On-Line Journal

for the 21st Century

The Prism of Asexuality

@AceofHearts

Let the world know we're

more than a plus sign.💜💪

No Masks. Bring cake.

Friday, March 19, 1999

258 views

136 likes

48 comments

Welcome to my new blog, dear readers!

Today I've decided to remove my mask of celibacy. One so carefully grafted onto my own skin that I could no longer distinguish it from my own flesh. I displayed it with pride, convincing myself, my family, and my friends that I had chosen to abstain from sex. 

Today I'm ripping off that mask. Not with a scream but with a cry of joy. At least online. Because I'm not celibate, and I never have been. The Church doesn't tell me what to do.

My brain does.

My heart does. 

Months ago my pastor had told me to delve deep within my soul in order to find my real self. He told me God would grant me the courage and the strength to realize what purpose He'd chosen for me and to embrace it with all my heart. 

I don't know what God is. Or who God is. Maybe He's simply my inner voice calling to me in the dead of night, imploring me to listen.

That Spirit has never encouraged me to have sex. It's telling me to find a person who's compatible with me. Not to give in to what society demands. Not to kowtow to the girls in my class, desperate to shape me into their image and likeness. Not to fold to my family, but to embrace those who love me as I am.

So it's time for some real talk.

At school the least likely person has told me never to stop writing. Never to give up on my quest for self-knowledge. He's found a grain of truth in my blog, one that I can only assume may have helped him discover himself.

That's when I knew I couldn't give up. 

So here I stand. 

No bullshit. All truth.

I think I'm asexual.

There. I said it. With the same pride as Zoe O'Reilly in her article.

Not even with my deepest crushes do I feel the hint of sexual attraction. No matter how badly I want to talk to them, to know their inner thoughts, to hold their hand or kiss their cheek, or to be their girlfriend or their partner, I don't look at them and feel that emotion.

Ever. 

The more I understand what sexual attraction means, the more I realize that I've always been asexual.

Reach first base? Shit, man, I haven't even stepped up to home plate.

Even if I hit a home run, that doesn't change my identity. Never will any person, any medium, or any sexual encounter change the fact that I feel no sexual attraction. No matter how I act, it doesn't change my fundamental nature.

With that in mind, I'm using my first blog entry to refine my view of sexual attraction with a simpler explanation. Don't mind the dense language of the actual definition. It's the only crazy bit of today's entry, I promise.

Sexual attraction is an innate, biologically pre-programmed response to a set of physical, mental, or emotional stimuli that prompts a desire to engage in any form of sexual activity in order to either catalyze a potential relationship or deepen an existing relationship with a particular person.

Whew! That's a mouthful, right? I can almost hear you guys saying, "Dude, WTF? I've read more entertaining books on geometry."

So let's take a look at that nuttiness in a less academic way. I'm going to break down each part and comment on all the assumptions behind the definition.

1. Sexual attraction, or a lack thereof, is not a choice.

You want to bang guys? Great. Girls? Cool. Both? Awesome. Neither? Sweet.

Either way, it's not a choice, my friend.

You are hard-wired to find certain genders attractive candidates to ride into the sunset. Even though I find men both aesthetically, emotionally, sensually, and romantically attractive, sex itself as a concept has always been uninteresting for me.

That's just how I'm made.

I don't give a shit about sex.

There, whew! I said it out loud.

If you can have chocolate cake (romance) why choose a hot dog (sex)?

In a PM, someone asked me: Can you defy your natural predilections?

Sure! I'm not a robot any more than you are. I'm not unable to have sex or repulsed by it. But that's not going to be my 'first choice' or my innate preference for showing love and affection.

Perhaps that explains why I've found celibacy so appealing. Because the Catholic Church tells us only to engage in affection, or the first four stages of attraction.

Defying your orientation is possible, but having sex to please your partner doesn't qualify as sexual attraction. It's a compromise.

That's equally true for societal compromises, what I like to call 'conditioned socialization'. If I have sex because I'm taught that's how adult relationships work, that doesn't change the lack of sexual attraction I feel on the inside. It just means I'm going through the motions to fit in.

Sure, I can make a big exception for that one special person in my life. But that is a compromise for someone I love, not necessarily sexual attraction.

It also doesn't mean I love them any less.

2. There has to be a stimulus originating from an actual person.

Watching erotic films? Doesn't count.

Reading erotic books? Doesn't count.

Movie scene? Doesn't count.

Weird fantasy? Doesn't count.

Self-love? Doesn't count.

A picture of Brad Pitt? Doesn't count.

Dead man crush? Doesn't count.

These kinds of stimuli can arouse you, sure. But that's just your body waving at you and saying, "Hey, I'm here, and I'm working."

Libido alone doesn't translate into sexual attraction.

It has to be a stimulus from a real person who you could actually bounce up and down upon if the circumstances were favorable. (Read: available, consent, appropriate, legal, etc.)

Why?

Have you noticed that during the first warm, sunny day after a long winter lots of people are dying to 'hook up'? Pleasant weather seems to turn a lot of people on.

That doesn't mean people wanna have sex with the sun.

I'm arguing ad absurdum to make a point. Desire and arousal alone aren't enough to create sexual attraction.

3. Desire comes voluntarily from within. No pressure. No force. No coercion.

None of the following reasons count as sexual attraction:

a) I have to or ...

- my friends/boyfriend won't like me;

- my boyfriend will break up with me;

- people will think I'm weird.

b) Society expects us to do it.

c) I want to experience what it's like out of academic/scientific curiosity.

d) I'm bored.

e) Maybe it will fix my relationship.

f) I want babies.

g) My religion tells me I should.

h) I've been taught to think that way.

i) Any other reason that doesn't come from you of your own free will and is simply a means to an end.

If attraction doesn't come from a desire to have sex with a particular person for the sake of the sex itself, it isn't sexual attraction.

4. It has to deal with some kind of sexual activity.

I know some of you will probably say, "Well, duh, dude! It's sexual attraction!" But you might be surprised at all the things that don't fall under the purview of sexual activity.

- Non-genital physical contact, including kissing, cuddling, snuggling, fondling other areas while clothed, and non-genital massages (no matter how intimate)

- Romantic arrangements (including long-term commitments such as domestic partnerships or marriage)

- Romantic gestures such as flowers, chocolates, buying your partner his favorite magazine, surprising him with a romantic getaway, doing a cute little striptease for fun, traveling to exotic places, etc.

- Binge watching Star Wars movies while snuggling your partner and nestling together like two spoons with zero space between you

Yep, all that still doesn't count... It's very intimate. Probably best saved for your significant other. But it still isn't sex.

Unless you touch the genitals for the purpose of stimulation or orgasm—we won't count that dancing wardrobe mishap of 1998, don't worry—it's not sexual activity.

Fantasizing about any or all sexual activities still doesn't make you sexual.

5. A relationship has to be involved, either one that already exists or one you want to bring into being.

'Relationship' is a funny word filled with connotations about commitment and romance. But at its essence, it just means any connection with any person, no matter how trivial or vapid. The term includes flings, one-night stands, and friends with benefits. It even means an absolute stranger soon to be screaming your name in the throes of ecstasy.

Of course, it also means being in a long-term commitment with a person you love. But it doesn't only mean that, and certainly not in the context of this definition.

A vague interest in sex or sexual activity doesn't count as sexual attraction, especially if it's driven by curiosity. That drive has to be directed towards a particular person as a way to start or deepen a relationship to qualify as more than sexual interest, curiosity, or arousal.

Here's something rather counter-intuitive: an asexual can experience desire or arousal. They don't have biological dysfunction. The system still works just fine. It's just that those romantic feelings and that biological system never/rarely mesh.

Not to put a point on it, but if you get 'hard' or 'wet', that doesn't make you sexual. That makes you a healthy human being. Of course, sexual attraction can lead to sexual arousal.

But it doesn't have to.

***

Right, quiz time. Are the following situations proof of sexual attraction?

Fantasizing about your neighbor spooning you in an intimate cuddle.

No.

Imagining some random, nondescript person doing naughty things to your body to turn you on.

No.

Imagining a sexy actor is lending a helping hand during self-love sessions.

Nope.

Out of nowhere, you need holy water or a cold shower because bodies are strange and sometimes your junk has a mind of its own.

Nope.

Watching your neighbor walking shirtless across the lawn while giving you a sly smirk, you think of all the naughty things you want to do to him and you want him to do to you as he flexes his biceps at you and winks.

Most likely: YES.

Why should we care what sexual attraction means? Because an asexual's lack thereof means only a small subset of activity is affected. Asexuals can and do have happy, fulfilling relationships with intense emotional, mental and physical intimacy.

By default, an asexual relationship won't be any more or less boring than a sexual one. The couple has to decide for themselves how far they want to go.

If you decide you want to try sex to scratch an itch, have kids, or to alleviate your burning curiosity, you don't have to cut up your ace card and throw it in the trash.

Lack of sexual attraction =/= lack of sexual ability.

Even if you're sex repulsed, there are so many intimate activities apart from sex you can do without experiencing any strange, dissociated, uninterested emotions. Find the ways you and your partner can bond in a meaningful way. Focus on them.

All my life I'd thought I could never date, have a boyfriend, or get married because that meant accepting all those annoying sexual expectations that went along with it. I thought it meant betraying my true self. Lying to the man I loved.

This. Is. Not. True.

This revelation is hugely reassuring to me. I hope it is to you as well.

✒️ Post a comment

✔️ Subscribe

💜 Like

___

48 comments

@AceofHearts This is my new blog, guys! Hope you like it!

@curiouscritter @AceofClubs @Little_Linguist @PrideYourPride @AceSquared @Girl4Girlz21 @SweetieCakes @CarlyRocks23 @BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse @starborn_dreamer @StacieLouise 

@curiouscritter omg hearttttttt! luv ur new name, gurl! <333 and luv the fact that you found out who u really are. but im also sad becuz I'm sexual...and ur amazing. </3333

➡️ @AceofHearts Thank you, Curious. *hugs* You're a crazy dude, but I love your support. 

➡️➡️ @curiouscritter I got ur back, Heart. :-*

@AceofClubs Heart! <3 Excellent choice for your new screen name. I'm so happy you feel that you can begin to remove your mask. 

➡️ @AceofHearts Yes, thanks to you, Ace. <3 And to LL as well! I have so many more questions, but at least I'm a step closer to discovering who I really am. 

➡️➡️ @AceofClubs Always enjoy reading your blog, but I could feel the strength behind your words. I support you 100%. Anything you need, Heart, let me know. :)

➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter *chants* ask her out! ask her out! ask her out!

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceofHearts Oh, Curious, what am I gonna do with you, pal?

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter meh! luv me 4 the nut I am, stick me in the corner and gimme some weed? ;)

@PrideYourPride Yeah, Heaaaaart! <3 You go, girl! Tell 'em loud! Tell 'em proud! And you're damn right you can come to a pride parade. We'll welcome you with open arms. <3333

➡️ @AceofHearts Aww, thanks. You're the best, Pride. *hugs*

➡️➡️ @PrideYourPride Hey, can I share your blog on my site? It's designed to help people who are questioning their sexuality. I'd put a link to your blog. If that's cool with you?

➡️➡️➡️ @AceofHearts It would be my honor. *blush* Yes, please. 

➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs If you like, we can create a little community and help others? Maybe a Yahoo group or something? @PrideYourPride @AceofHearts

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceofHearts Totally, Ace. We could even get @Little_Linguist to help if she wants. 

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @PrideYourPride Great idea! Let's do it!

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @Little_Linguist OMGGGGGGGGGGGG Yeeeeeeeeeees! Count me in!!! <3

@Little_Linguist How am I not the first person to poooost on your new blooooog! Ahhhhhh! I love it and I love youuuuuu! <33333 So proud of you, sis! *hugs you, squeezes you, and calls you Ace of Hearts*

➡️ @AceofHearts Awww, thanks LL! ;) <33333 

➡️➡️ @Little_Linguist Should I change my name to AceofDiamonds? 

➡️➡️➡️ @AceofHearts Only if you like! I think LL is cool. But so is AceofDiamonds. :D

@AceofClubs Great start on your new blog, Heart! <3 You kept the key points while making it less dense and abstract.

➡️ @AceofHearts Awesome, that's what I was hoping. *blush* Thanks for reading.

➡️➡️ @AceofClubs Of course. Sent you an email. ;)

➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter plzzzzzzzzzzzzz tell me he'z askin u out. plzzzzzzzzzzzz

@Girl4Girlz21 Giiiiiiiirl! Yay, I'm so proud of youuuuuuuuu! <333333 Damn right, you're more than a plus sign. Tell them!!!

➡️ @AceofHearts Thanks, Girl! So glad to see you here. 

➡️➡️ @Girl4Girlz21 Gotta support my favorite ace chickyyyy! :D

@AceSquared Loved your old blog but love your new blog even more! Congrats on finding yourself. I know it was such a relief when I found out. If you have questions, just ask. :D

➡️ @AceofHearts Thanks, Ace. :D 

➡️➡️ @AceSquared We aces got to stick together, am I right? 

➡️➡️➡️ @AceofHearts Absolutely!

@MELaine45 Cool read. I get it now. Thx.

➡️ @AceofHearts Thank you for reading!

@StaceyLouise Heyyyyy girllllll! Good for you figuring out your orientation. I was rooting for you! yeah, that makes sense now. Cool beans. Luv it. <3

➡️ @AceofHearts Hey, Stacie! Thanks for your support. :D 

@CarlyRocks23 OMG babe our blogger matchmaker is baaaaaack with a new blog! @BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse Proud of you! Rock on, Ace Celly babe!!! <33333

➡️ @BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse Girl, hot damn! Gud 4 U. U tell those boys to keep it in their pants and eff the hell off! <333 Don't ever change! If they bother u, I kick there azzes!

➡️➡️ @AceofHearts Awww, thanks so much! @CarlyRocks23 @BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse

@Starborn_Dreamer What a lovely moment to see! <333 I remember when I came out as Ace, people were so confused. Especially since I'm biromantic. :D If you have questions, just ask.

➡️ @AceofHearts Thanks, Starborn. You are awesome! :D

@Patriots4Eva there ya go. much better ;) Proud of u, Heart. <333 now can you send some of your courage my way?

➡️ @AceofHearts Thanks for checking out my blog, Patriot! *sending lots of courage your way*

➡️➡️ @Patriots4Eva thanks, hun. <333 never knew u were so cute till I read ur blog. always thought u had a stick up ur ass. but ur a funny chick. ;) 

➡️➡️➡️ @AceofHearts do I know you?

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @Patriots4Eva let's just say this new blog prob wouldn't exist without my guiding hand. but shhh! it's our little secret. ;)

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceofHearts OMG are you ace too? :D

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @Patriots4Eva nah, man. I'll PM U latrrrr. ;)