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The Prism of Asexuality

@AceofHearts

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April 11, 1999

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Today's the day! I'm going to my dream college for an overnight visit. Whoo!

If you had told me three months ago that I'd be staying on campus with a veritable stranger while meeting a long-lost high school friend I'd found online, I'd say you were crazy.

But here we are! :D I couldn't be happier.

As a senior about to graduate from high school, I can't help but wonder how all this happened so fast. My grandparents are giving me space to breathe. People have supported my quest to understand myself, and I never thought that would happen. Most importantly I've finally got a better idea how I tick and who I am.

It's kind of like a dream come true. <3 Thanks to all my supporters.

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15 comments

@Little_Linguist ahhhhhhh you're meeting ace at last yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! <333333

@curiouscritter duuuuuuuuuude R U meeting ace for realz? plz tell me ur meeting ace!!!! @AceofHearts @AceofClubs 

➡️ @AceofHearts maaaaaybe ;)

➡️➡️ @curiouscritter OMG YASSSS THIS IS HAPPENING?! @AceofClubs plz confirm this shit is goin down, U LUCKY mother hubbard!!!!!!!

➡️➡️ @Girl4Girlz21 Yay! Happy for you, Heart and Ace! @AceofClubs

➡️➡️ @StacieLouise *happy dance and chants* Go Ace! Go Heart! Go Ace! Go Heart! @AceofClubs

➡️➡️ @AceSquared The Internet is great for finding like-minded friends, isn't it? @AceofClubs

➡️➡️ @PrideYourPride Awww the happy lovebirds are together again. <3 @AceofClubs

➡️➡️ @BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse Dude if you didn't bang on bout ur lack of sex every five seconds wouldn't a met my sexy lady! @CarlyRocks23 So tyyyyyy! now go find ur guuurl @AceofClubs

➡️➡️ @CarlyRocks23 Come here U! @AceofHearts *ruffles hair* Have fun meeting ur man! *jumps on BBRDH and bites his ear* Get ur own flowers.

➡️➡️ @Starborn_Dreamer awwww that's so cute! have fun with @AceofClubs

➡️➡️ @HotBod4U dammit I wanted U to choose me, gurl. :-P @AceofClubs you lucky bdastard

➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs lol Heart, if I ever need the Sixth Army to know anything, I know who to call. You rounded up your followers in no time flat. Now everyone knows before my friends. :-P

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter chill man! @AceofClubs it ain't like I know who U R or who Heart is. Still think Heart could B a 500 pound dude living in his mama's basement

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs I know Heart IRL. We went to high school together.

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter awww sweet man. U go get ur girl. Times a waistin! kiss a lot or whatev u aces do 4 fun!

On Saturday night I'd packed my bags with three outfits, a pair of dress shoes, a book and my CD player with the single "Bitter Sweet Symphony," which I enjoyed listening to on a loop because I had only six CDs in total. Ever since I was a little kid, I learned to appreciate memorizing my favorite songs because I'd heard them a hundred times.

After reading all the lovely comments, a broad smile swept across my face. Not a single bad remark.

Quite an achievement!

Care sent me an excited message at nine in the morning, which impressed me. Both of us were incorrigible night owls who slept in until noon.

But not today.

Little_Linguist: OMG today's the day!

CelibateForLife: Yaaaaas!

Little_Linguist: go get him, sis!

Little_Linguist: and don't leave out a single detail

Little_Linguist: or I will die of anger

Little_Linguist: and my ghost will haunt you for life!

Little_Linguist: heyyyyy you there?

Little_Linguist: oh little lovebirdssssss!

That rapid succession of messages popped up on my screen while Eric IMed me in a separate chat box.

AceofClubs: hi Jess :)

AceofClubs: about ready?

CelibateForLife: don't worry ;)

CelibateForLife: I haven't canceled

AceofClubs: you know I was kidding on your blog.

AceofClubs: it's great that you're so excited

CelibateForLife: I know ;) I'll kill ya later

AceofClubs: :D :-O

CelibateForLife: see you soon! :D

Quickly switching between the two IMs, I reassured Care that I'd contact her as soon as I got home while I ironed out the details with Eric. 

AceofClubs: Helen will meet you at O'Kane.

AceofClubs: the road leads straight from the main entrance to O'Kane

AceofClubs: you can't miss it

CelibateForLife: thanks Eric :D

CelibateForLife: see you soon

CelibateForLife: ahhhhhhh

AceofClubs: don't be nervous

CelibateForLife: I'm fine, don't worry

AceofClubs: I'm talking to myself ;) 

AceofClubs: j/k 

CelibateForLife: cu :D

Adrenaline pumped through my veins with fiery tingles as Mom and Grandad drove me to the campus. Oh, my God! I'm going to see him!

"Are you all right, dear?" asked Mom. "You're awfully quiet."

"Yeah, just a bit nervous."

"You'll be fine, dear." She paused before adding, "Helen seemed lovely on the phone."

"You called her?" I asked, astounded.

"Not for long," she replied. "Just to ask a few questions and make sure--"

"Oh, Mom!"

Great! Just great!

My hands turned cold and clammy as we entered the grounds of Holy Cross. It reminded me of a newer version of Harvard, an isolated bubble filled with top-notch academics and rich kids.

And a certain crush of mine who would remain nameless.

A wrought-iron archway proudly displayed the Jesuit symbol between twin stone pillars. It made me feel very small. Nervous tingles raked across my stomach, and I began to wonder whether this was such a great idea.

Language labs, Jess. Language labs.

Eric, Jess. Eric.

Hush, you're not helping.

Driving up the avenue lined by massive oaks, I gaped at the campus. Not a speck of litter anywhere. All the grass neatly trimmed to the same length on every field.

"This campus is gorgeous," said Mom. "Wouldn't it be lovely if you could go here?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

Grandad pulled up to a small brick building, manned by a solitary security guard.

"What's the purpose of your visit?" asked the guard.

"An overnight tour of the campus with..." Grandad turned to face me. "What's the girl's name again?"

"Helen Delaney," I replied in a hoarse whisper.

"Very good, sir." The guard gestured towards a giant building with two spires. "Drive up Linden Lane until you reach O'Kane. It's that brick building straight ahead."

Grandad nodded. "Thank you."

Wide-eyed, I stared out the window at the precise landscaping. Oaks and maples dotted the campus, all sprouting the light-green leaves of spring while Japanese maples offered some gorgeous contrast. I marveled at how they kept the lawns all the same color and length. My family couldn't do it with a small patch in front of our home.

The buildings reminded me of Greek and Gothic revival architecture typical for the mid-nineteenth century. White columns supported the front entrance of O'Kane while the narrow windows and twin spires reminded me of German cathedrals.

Dark green vines sprawled across the side walls of imposing brick buildings. 

Striking. Yet daunting.

Preppy kids walked on the sidewalk. Their outfits had come straight out of a catalogue for Gap, Abercrombie and Fitch, or Saks Fifth Avenue. Way out of my league. I stared at my pitiful clothes from the clearance section of TJMaxx and swallowed the lump in my throat.

Normally I wouldn't give a crap about fashion. But I'd entered Eric's world, an environment designed for prospective yuppies. Not a cash-poor kid like me.

What the hell am I doing here?

"What do you think?" Mom asked me.

"Impressive."

She smiled as Grandad pulled up and parked in front of O'Kane. "Have you got everything you need, dear?"

I grabbed my backpack and the overnight bag before opening the car door. "Yep! Thanks for the ride."

"Got your money?" she asked.

"Yep," I replied.

"Phone?"

"Yep."

"Phone number for Helen?"

"Yep."

She gave me a stern look. "Remember, no long calls. Only three texts."

"Mom, for heaven's sake!"

"Have fun, Jess," said Grandad. "And be safe."

"I will."

"Remember, you're no man's trash can," he said. Mom and I admonished him simultaneously, and he held up his hands in submission. "Just saying."

Well, that settles it. Now I know where I learned my diplomacy skills.

"For Gosh sake, Grandad. That should be the least of your worries."

"No drinking. No smoking. No partying. No staying with any boys," Mom said. "Resist peer pressure."

"Please don't worry, Mom."

As if I'm champing at the bit to hang out in big crowds, barf my guts out, get pregnant, and slowly asphyxiate myself with smoke and burning tar.

"It's my job to say that."

"I'm eighteen." I sighed. "I haven't done those things yet, and I'm not about to start."

"Just be safe," Grandad said. "And be careful."

It's Holy Cross. Not the Bronx. Jeez!

"I will," I said with a cheeky grin.

After a final wave, I raced up the stone steps to O'Kane before they changed their minds and drove me back home.

Whew, made it!

The interior of O'Kane stunned me even more than the façade. Old-fashioned chandeliers hung from the ceiling, casting muted golden light on the hallway leading from the main entrance. Cream walls rose from the ornately carved wood paneling, which gave off a pleasant musty scent that I associated with older buildings.

My stomach lurched as waves of nervous energy cascaded like an icy waterfall over my body. My soul soared like an eagle. A part of me wanted to bury my head in the sand like an ugly ostrich, though. Did I belong here?

Yes, you're a smart, capable woman. Never mind the other kids.

You got this.

Oh, my gosh! I can't believe it! I'm free!

"Can I help you, miss?" an attendant asked at the info desk.

"Oh, yes. I'm meeting Helen Delaney at ten for an overnight tour."

"Sure, she'll be here shortly."

While I waited, I pretended to stare at the somber paintings that lined the walls. My mind raced, blitzing me with every possible scenario of how things could go super right or super wrong.

Thank goodness, I didn't have long to stew. A tall girl with glossy, blonde hair and a perfect, preppy outfit approached me. Gosh, I couldn't hold a candle to this girl's grace and beauty. It made me feel even more out of place.

Don't be a trash can. Thanks, Grandad. Great advice.

Eric's going to think I hopped out of a trash can.

"Are you Jess Perez?" she asked in a lilting, upbeat tone.

I nodded. "Helen Delaney?" I asked as I held out my hand.

She looked down at it, a bit incredulous, before giving it a weak shake.

Ugh, limp fish syndrome. Yuck.

"That's me," she said with a smile worthy of a toothpaste commercial. "Welcome to Holy Cross."

Her azure eyes twinkled as she gave me a quick look from head to toe. Probably wondering if I'd turned up in a TARDIS after trying to blend in with a working-class suburb from the nineteen thirties.

Not like her. Helen had impeccable fashion sense.

"I'm sure you're very excited," she added.

"Yes, I am."

She led me back out through the main entrance. "Well, you're lucky. Perfect weather today. Sunny and warm. Where would you like to start?"

"I'm not exactly sure how these things work," I admitted.

"Let's walk up to Hogan. That's the Campus Center," she said. "I can show you around. Then we can grab a coffee and discuss your options."

"That sounds awesome, thanks."

We entered yet another brick building with large glass windows and a light, airy interior bathed in more golden light. Students bustled as they carried laundry baskets, boxes from the post office, and books. I caught sight of the giant bookstore and broke out into a broad grin.

"Could we go there first?" I asked.

"Sure, we'll see whatever you like," replied Helen. "It's great that you know what you want."

"Oh?"

"Most prospective students are too shy to say."

My cheeks burned. "Oh, sorry! I hope I'm not--"

"No, no. It's great." She chuckled. "Makes it less stressful for me."

We laughed as we entered the store. In no time I was geeking out with abandon, poring over texts on history and political science.

"Ah, you like the humanities?" she mused.

"Absolutely. Languages are my passion, though." I cleared my throat. "Uh, what about you?"

"Math with a double minor in Economics and Accounting," she said. "It's how I know Eric. That kid's amazing. He skipped freshman classes."

My heart swelled with pride as I exhaled a heavy breath. "Wow!"

"Don't worry," she said with a reassuring smile. "You don't have to go to our classes unless you want to."

My smile faded. "Oh, I want to see your classes, don't worry."

"Yeah, but my friend's a language major. Romance languages, I think."

"Would she be cool with it?"

"Absolutely," she replied. "She takes my language candidates, and I take her math and science students."

"Cool! I'd love to."

When my eyes fell on the foreign language section, I almost died and went to heaven. Never had I seen so many classics in the original French, Spanish, or German.

"Grass? Brecht? Goethe? All in the original?" I exclaimed in a muted whisper as I ran my fingertips along the spines. "Oh, my gosh! Novalis? I've been dying to find books on German Romanticism!"

Helen chuckled. "German major, huh?"

"Among others," I replied, lovingly grazing the spines as I perused the Spanish texts. "I could spend hours here."

"You can buy some as souvenirs, you know," she said, her eyes dancing. "They're not just for students."

My heart leaped at the idea. But I quickly remembered that I had twenty bucks with me for two days. I picked up one of the smaller novels.

Eighteen bucks. Damn it!

"I think I'll wait," I said, putting it back.

Helen gave me an inquisitive look and shrugged. "Suit yourself. There's lots of other cool things here. Clothes. Notebooks. Coffee mugs."

"Oh, I love stationery."

"Come on, I'll show you."

I stared glossy-eyed at the whole rack of fancy Holy Cross notebooks, some of which were within my budget. I chose a ringed one that was royal purple with white lettering.

"Perfect," I whispered under my breath. "My favorite color."

"Those are our colors. Good choice."

Helen showed me all around Hogan, including a small café, a pub with a dance floor, and a host of amenities. "We've got everything you want," she said. "But the best place is the coffee lounge. It's called Cool Beans. Wanna grab a coffee?"

"I'd love to."

Beside the small lobby shop stood a wooden addition with about ten metal tables and chairs. The delicious scent of coffee wafted through the air and lured us to the stand, where a student barista waited to take our order.

Armed with delicious strawberry banana smoothies, Helen and I found the last free table and gazed out the giant floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the sprawling campus.

"If you like books, you need to see our library," Helen said. "It's ginormous."

"I'd love that. Can we see that today?"

"Sure. Eric said he'd show you the language labs too. If you want."

"Oh, heck yeah!" I said, a bit louder than I'd intended, attracting the gaze of curious students. "Sorry."

My eyes landed on an impeccably dressed preppy guy with a crew cut. He glanced at me and gave me a shy half-smile, reminding me of those guys from the Gap commercials. Albeit a scrawny one. My cheeks blazed red before I broke eye contact with him and stared out the window.

Helen leaned towards me. "I think he likes you," she whispered.

"Do you know him?"

"Mm-hmm," she said with a heavy sigh. "I gave him the makeover."

"Makeover?"

She chuckled. "You'll see."

Could that be...?

I stole a quick glance at him as he gathered his things.

No way. No how.

Granted, I hadn't seen him in forever. But the Eric I knew had sported a mop of messy dark curls that didn't always suit him. On his graduation he'd worn a corduroy suit that had accentuated his slumped shoulders and an awkward gait. To top it off, my Eric had worn eighties glasses that resembled two small moons.

No, they were no moons. They were space stations.

Eric had a brilliant mind and a great personality, but he looked like a dork in his senior photo. Not that it mattered to me. Dorks were definitely my type. I loved Doc Brown, not Marty. Not to mention the main character in Good Will Hunting gave me heart palpitations.

Brains mattered more than looks by a country mile.

Still this kid could model if he put on twenty pounds of muscle mass. It had to be him, though. I'd recognize those dark eyes anywhere set against that distinctively pale skin like a character from a Tim Burton movie.

Jesus, he's so--! Wow!

Aesthetics don't matter. Get over it.

Yet I couldn't resist glancing back at him dumping his coffee cup in the recycling, dressed in his khakis and a bluish gray T-shirt. He turned towards us once more, and I whipped around to face Helen.

Admit nothing. What if it isn't him? They'll think I'm shallow.

Worse, I'd actually be acting shallow, and I hate that shit.

"Whoever he is," I said with a nonchalant shrug. "I'm not here for him. Uh...that. Uh...guys."

Wow, smooth.

"I'm here to see the labs and classes," I added in a resolute tone.

A bright smile spread over Helen's face. "You're a focused one."

"I'm also cool with whatever the tour entails," I added, not wanting to seem pushy.

Gosh, this is a disaster. Why do I have to deal with people?

Eric is going to see me for the geeky nut I am and run away.

Doesn't matter, I'm not here for him.

Actually, you kind of are...

Ugh...! Dude, you're an independent, rational--

"Does that sound good?" she asked, jolting me back to reality.

Oh, dang. Should I just nod and smile?

"I'm up for anything, really."

"Great. Let's go to the language labs," she said as she texted someone on her phone. "Eric will meet us there."

I almost choked on my smoothie.

Oh, crap! I wasn't ready for that...