When Yaya and Care took me home, I fell asleep in the backseat. The roller coaster of emotion had drained me of all my energy even though I was relieved that Grandad would probably make a full recovery. 

Still we had to wait the twenty-four to forty-eight hours because a crapload could happen between May 8 and May 10. Until the doctors told us otherwise, we had to stay positive.

Care logged onto the Internet as soon as we got home to the unmistakable chime of "You've Got Mail". After deleting about four hundred spam emails, she found one email from her study group and another one from none other than Eric.

"Holy shit!" she murmured under her breath, turning to me with a look of apprehension. "I don't know, Jess. You've been through a lot today. Do you want to read it?"

"Go ahead." 

I gave Care a nonchalant shrug while she gave me a wary look. The truth of the matter was that nothing could top Grandad having a heart attack. Even if Eric told me to cut off my own head so that I could never speak to him again, I wouldn't cry. Not after what had already happened. 

Some days decided simply to keep on sucking. 

"Are you sure?" asked Care in a wary tone. "We can wait till tomorrow."

"If I don't know what he said, I won't be able to focus on my finals," I said in a solemn tone. "I need some damn closure with this. After today, nothing he says could make me lose my shit."

"All right..."

To her credit, Care didn't even take a peek at the contents. Or even open up the email for me. She got up from her desk and booted up Tetris while I sat in her comfy roller chair, my heart thudding against my ribs. 

Should I read this now? Am I ready?

Girl, you were born ready, said my conscience in Jack the Jock's voice. 

Jesus, I must really be out of it. My inner voice sounds like Jack now?

Shut up, he retorted. I rock. Now read this shit. Where's your fucking warrior princess?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

That's what I'm talking about, bitch!

______________________________

From: "Eric Stevens" <[email protected]>

To: "Carolyn Stavros" <[email protected]>

Date:  Saturday, May 8, 1999 6:35 PM

Subject: Please give this to Jess.

Dear Jess,

I'm writing to apologize for my behavior a couple of weeks ago. Care was absolutely right, and I'm sorry, my dear friend. I should have never asked you to be my carrier pigeon. 

Please forgive me. It wasn't fair to you.

I do need to man up and tell you how I really feel, Jess. I know you haven't checked your mail while you've stayed at Care's, so I'm sending you this email through her address. 

Hope that's okay.

Although it's no excuse for my complete radio silence, I've focused on trying to finish more labs, projects, and essays than I could possibly manage these past two weeks. Somehow I've done it, but now I have finals. I've had almost zero sleep. No movie nights. No pizza to relax. No dancing at clubs. 

To be honest, I haven't felt like celebrating anyway. Not until the work is finished.

It's imperative that I keep my grades up, or I'll lose my scholarship. Though my family can afford my tuition fees (so it's not do or die) it would make them extremely disappointed in me.

More importantly, I'd disappoint myself. My muse, I think you--of all people--will understand when I say that I don't want to rely on my parents' generosity. 

As I've always done, I want to stand on my own two feet. This means studying hard and keeping a 3.75 GPA in classes where the professors expect the world from us.

So I hope you will understand when I say that I would like to talk about our relationship, but I can't let myself be distracted now. Finals come first. Though I know that makes me neither a normal teenager nor a hopeless romantic, this is who I am.

That is why I've asked for a break. Not because I don't have feelings, but because I do. Very strongly. I don't think you realize how much because I never said. And I won't in an email.

If I try to juggle both, I'll fail at both. Whereas if I focus on finals, I will succeed and have all the time in the world to devote to you, your prom, and your graduation once finals end on May 12.

Please be patient with me if you can. I'll be home May 15. 

Could we chat, talk, or meet after finals? 

Now I really must study. I'll be away from AIM and turning off my phone until my last exam, but you can contact me anytime after that. But I needed to write this or my mind would not settle.

Looking forward to your reply. 

With deepest admiration,

E

______________________________

Tears of joy welled in my eyes as I took a ragged breath. "Oh, my God!" I squealed.

Care paused her game and ran over to me. "What? What! WHAT?!" 

"Read this!"

Care almost pushed me out of the way to read the contents, her exuberant reactions painted on her face. Her darting eyes resulted in excited squeals of joy and murmurs of admiration. Once she reached the end, she turned to me with wide eyes. 

"Now do you believe it?" she asked in a firm tone. "If you needed evidence that boy loves you, there it is. He's put his life on hold. He has that much at stake. But he took the time to write you."

I covered my mouth with my palm. "He does love me, doesn't he?"

"Girl, he basically came out and said it," replied Care. "Only he doesn't want to be a lame ass-hat who texts or emails it to you."

"He still loves me!"

"Of course he does, girl!" Care shouted as we held one another, jumping around like twelve year olds. "Eric wouldn't change his mind that fast after he was that sure. He isn't a psycho."

"Oh, my GOD!" I squealed. "He loves me!"

"He does."

"And Mom gave me her blessing!"

"Say what now?" Care's mouth dropped open. "When the hell did you plan on telling me this glorious news?"

"Well, jeez. I was a bit distracted with Grandad and all."

"Fair enough."

My face fell. "Oh gosh!"

"What?"

"Does this make me a horrible person?" I asked, my stomach churning with electric nerves. "Grandad's suffering with a heart attack, and here I am dancing like a lunatic?"

"Jess, Uncle Ted wants you to be happy in life," insisted Care. "He doesn't want you to martyr yourself. Even Aunt Carm told you to let Eric know how you feel."

True. If anyone would have told me to calm my ass down, it'd be Mom. But she didn't. Grandad did tell me to enjoy things and not to fret. Still, that didn't settle the nerves about his health.

"Sometimes life craps on us." Care sat on the bed beside me. "But it also gives us happy things to keep us from going completely bat-shit crazy."

"That's true."

"Accept the blessings that life gives you," said Care with a grin. "Yes, your grandad got a rude wake-up call to take care of himself. Yes, it's scary as fuck. But yes, Eric loves you!"

"And I can date him without Mom freaking out!" I cried. 

"Yay!"

Yaya knocked on the door. "Are you girls okay? Is there any news?"

"Eric loves Jess!"

Beside herself with joy, Yaya forgot all social niceties and barged into the room, sweeping me up into a hug. She held me so tight, I almost couldn't breathe. With each squeeze, a little squeak escaped my lips. 

"Praise be to Jesus!" said Yaya. "We'll convince Carm to open her heart to him yet, sweetheart."

"She did!" 

"O, dóxa to theó!" she cried in relief before hugging me once more. Oh, thank God!

"I wonder what made her change her mind?" mused Care. 

"When a woman loses her precious daughter and almost loses her most beloved man," replied Yaya, "she dies a little death. The one that kills the ego and lets the love shine through."

Man, Yaya is one wise woman. No wonder Care is such a gem.

"Yeah, I get that." Care lay back with her hands behind her head. "It makes you re-evaluate the important things in life."

"Precisely, sweetheart."

Did Care understand that more than most?

"You have to reply to him," said Care. "I mean I know he's a dude and all, but they have feelings too. If he was distracted enough to send you an email now, getting a reply would be a huge relief."

"Yes, be patient," said Yaya in a firm tone. "No pressure, but do put his mind at rest."

"Should I write now or later?" 

"Now," replied both Yaya and Care simultaneously.

"Use my computer." Care jumped up and planted herself on the yellow bean bag. "I'll play Tetris until you're done."

"Like you need any more practice," I retorted.

Care grinned while Yaya left me in peace to formulate my thoughts.

______________________________

To: <[email protected]>

From: <[email protected]>

Date: Saturday, May 8, 1999 9:06 PM

Subject: I'd love to chat and/or meet after finals.

Dear Eric,

Thank you so much for your email. I'd say that I can't even imagine what kind of hell you're going through except I'm going through the same thing. 

Revision week for finals starts on Monday! I'm freaking out, to be honest, because school is always nightmare during that time. Like you said: no sleep, no fun.

Every day feels like a year. 

To add fuel to the fire, my family is going through a really stressful time. Grandad had a heart attack today. He's expected to make a full recovery, but I'm still worried about him. 

Anyway, the point is: I need that break, too. Whenever I'm not studying, my family needs me. Now I don't have to feel guilty about letting you down either. 

There's something you should know that will hopefully put your mind at rest. Mom has given us her blessing! Finally! So you never have to worry about enduring that stupid Grace crap again. 

Or anything like it. 

Despite all the nonsense that happened later at dinner, we connected. My family does love and respect you, too. It just took a health scare to get Mom to see what really matters in life.

And I admire you just the way you are. <3

Can we give it another try once finals are over? Not with my family. Just the two of us. A real, proper date like two normal young people? I can't wait to see The Matrix. What about you?

Sending hugs your way,

Jess

______________________________

Because I wasn't a dumb-ass, I put the most pertinent information right in the subject line. That way if he didn't have time to read it, he wouldn't be on tenterhooks. And I added our own version of those three little words in my email to reassure him of my deep feelings.

I admire you.

After re-reading it a thousand times, I clicked send. 

"I did it!" I exclaimed with relief as though I'd won an Olympic Gold Medal in Dating.

"Oh, my God! I'm so proud of you!" Care pressed pause and jumped up from her yellow bean bag, sweeping me in her arms. "Sis, you are the strongest person I know."

All the tension seeped from my body as she held me close. I rested my tired head on her shoulder as she gave my back a gentle pat. 

"I'm so tired now," I murmured. "This day has drained me so much that I think I could sleep standing up."

"Well, I'd carry you into your bedroom," said Care in a wry tone, "but my name isn't Eric Stevens."

I laughed for the first time in what felt like ages. "I can carry my own sorry ass to the bedroom, thank you very much."

Just like that, my psyche went from hell back up to heaven. Grandad had survived. Eric loved me. Only one more week, and high school would finally be over.