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The Celibate Life
@CelibateForLife

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February 28, 1999

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Celibate.

Yeah, that's a good word.

It's the wrong one, but it'll have to do. At least it's easier than trying to explain to a potential partner or to my friends whatever this is.

People know what to expect when they hear that term. They envision either a disciplined young lady worthy of praise or a poor, repressed soul in need of enlightenment.

It's always, "Wow, Jessica! I'm impressed."

"Not many young ladies your age have that kind of self-control."

"Good for you, Jess. You know what you want, and you stick up for it."

Most people maintain a kind of awed respect for celibacy, especially at a Catholic high school. They say it takes guts to stand up for one's principles in a sex-obsessed society.

In a way, they're right. It does. I could cave in and do what everyone else is doing. So I don't feel much guilt in soaking up all that praise and giving everyone a shy smile.

No one's the wiser.

I'm normal. Conformist. Whatever you wanna call it. Hell, I'm a woman, and I like guys. That kind of sexuality hardly qualifies as an outlier, am I right?

Except let's take a good, hard look at that word.

Celibate.

According to most definitions, there are two parts to that word. First, you gotta say no to sex. Now some people might argue on how low you can go before celibacy is just a euphemism. But most people would probably agree that you can't be celibate and 'do the deed'.

Okay, fine. Got it. Easy.

The second part of that definition is a bit trickier, though. There's an inherent choice involved in celibacy. A decision to wait or to never experience something desirable. A need to forgo.

And there it is. Here's where my precious little bubble bursts. In order for this concept to apply to me, I have to a) want to have sex and b) choose not to have sex, for religious reasons or otherwise.

According to that principle, I'm cheating.

I'm a fraud and no one realizes it.

I'm soaking up that praise for all my 'hard work'. All this discipline these people claim I have. All this self-control.

It's all bullshit. And I'm too much of a coward to own up to it.

This so-called praise and admiration stem from one key fact. People assume something applies to me that is 'fundamental' to the human experience. Or so they think.

They think that I look at a guy, and deep down in my unconscious, I wanna jump his bones. As in, I'm staring at this man who's tall, dark, and handsome and thinking:

I wanna run my hands all over you, Mr. Bad Boy. And that's just the start.

But I'm a 'good girl' and that's why I keep my hands to myself.

And that's where they're wrong. I'm not celibate. Never have been.

Because I don't want sex in the first place.

And I don't want that to change.

Apart from a healthy scientific curiosity, sex doesn't appear on my scopes. My radar doesn't ping for bangability. I lack a sex-o-meter. The Hottie Scale™ doesn't apply to my dating eligibility criteria.

Still, I'm normal. Sort of. I can tell when a guy's physically attractive. It can make my heart pound like any other woman. But that doesn't make me want to express my interest, my admiration, or ultimately my love with sex.

I like the idea of doing all sorts of romantic stuff with guys: talking about thoughts and feelings, cuddling, dating, walking hand in hand by the seaside, debating, traveling, exercising, holding hands, kissing, sending cute texts and emails, and playing games of all sorts...whatever.

Just not the ones in bed.

I can just imagine what the LGBT+ community would say if I showed up for the Pride Parade.

"Does this chick even warrant a place? Pride for what? Being a whatsit? Not being an anything? Saying, 'No thanks, pal'?"

To be fair, I've never tried, so who knows? They might be really supportive. Maybe I should go.

If they did react that way, they'd have a point, though. I mean publicly saying no to something you don't want anyway hardly deserves a gold medal. Especially when society loves the 'good girl'.

Heck, it's not even like the idea of sex repels me. It's kind of like someone saying that in order to have a good relationship, we have to eat Thai food once a week. Maybe more often.

Thai isn't my favorite cuisine, but I have nothing against it. It's just not that important to me. In fact, if you told me I could never eat it again, I'd probably shrug it off with a 'Meh, okay.' In fact, if you go long enough without talking about Thai food, I'll probably forget it exists.

The converse is also true, though. If my perfect future partner told me that he needed Thai food every day, I'd probably get sick of it, but I'd still say 'Meh, okay.'

In other words, I could probably go through life and no one would know the difference. Hardly the stuff of a Pride Parade.

And yet, if my partner asks me if I love Thai food like he does, should I say I do? Should I cook Thai meals of my own volition and gush about how amazing his Thai food is?

After all, everything else about the relationship is perfect. Why rock the boat?

Don't they say that relationships are all about give-and-take? Who cares if I don't want to take? Giving is fun.

But if I say I love Thai food, I'll be lying. To myself. To my partner. To my friends.

I'd much rather have Italian. Mexican. Chinese. Hell, even McDonald's, to be honest.

I don't need sex.

Sometimes if I'm not in a great place, I find the idea downright tedious. Even with someone whom I love. I mean really, truly, deeply romantically head-over-heels in love. There are still a thousand things I'd rather do than have bouncy, sexy times.

Apparently, that kind of mentality isn't heteronormative. At all.

Celibacy fits the norm, but that sure doesn't.

Well, shit! Looks like my house of cards has just come tumbling down.

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2 comments

@curiouscritter18 hey, whazzup wit the plus sign tagline? what does that mean?

➡️ @CelibateForLife Thanks for your comment, Curious. It means all the other sexualities not mentioned in LGBT+. I'm not lesbian, gay, bi, or trans, so I fit in the plus sign group. Not sure how, though.

➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 cool, cool. so you like guys or nah?

@AceofSpades Thank you for sharing. I think what you mean is asexuality. That's what Ace means in my handle. Got some cool websites for you if you want. Just IM me. 😎

You're right. Celibacy isn't the same, but I can see why you'd choose the path of least resistance. 😉 There's no rush to come out. No one knows at my school either.

➡️ @CelibateForLife Thanks so much. Yes, I'd love to learn more. Never heard of asexuality in that context. I'll PM you.