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The Celibate Life
@CelibateForLife

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March 6, 1999

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12 comments

I'm going to ask you a tricky question.

Don't say the first thing that comes into your head. Really think about it. If you do, I guarantee it'll be a mind trip. Right, so here goes:

What is sexual attraction?

Most common answers

--When someone looks hot...

Nope, that's aesthetic attraction.

--When someone arouses you...

Nope, that's an autonomic physiological response (i.e. you have only some control over arousal).

--When you want to bang someone...

This is closer to the truth, but still vague and unhelpful.

So what is it?

It's important to ask this question because people define asexuality as the lack of sexual attraction. My research has led me to believe that the term sexual attraction has different meanings for each person, though. It also manifests in unique ways. So how can anyone have a scientific, objective discussion about that concept--or asexuality for that matter--without any consensus on what it actually entails?

If my orientation is defined as the absence of a (desired) quality, how will I ever come to understand it?

It's hard as hell!

If the scientific literature can't give me a satisfying answer, the bro-science articles are even worse. They're filled with blatant platitudes such as, "You'll know it when you feel it."

I swear if I read those words one more time, I'm gonna barf.

Those sound like pure cop-outs to people like me who don't feel it and will never feel it. It's akin to explaining the color red to a blind person by saying they'll know it when they see it.

*rolls eyes*

So, I decided to puzzle it out for myself. I haven't even come close to a eureka moment, I'm afraid. But after pondering the issue for days, I've developed a rough definition of sexual attraction that I hope to refine over time.

Sexual attraction

(All conditions must be met for the phenomenon to count as sexual attraction.)

-- an innate, biologically pre-programmed response to a stimulus

-- the stimulus can be physical, mental, or emotional

-- the response must include a desire for some kind of sexual activity

-- that desire must focus on a real person

-- the goal is to catalyze a potential relationship or deepen a pre-existing one

Please note: In this case, the word relationship is defined as any connection between two people, no matter how trivial or meaningful. It includes anything from a one-night stand with a stranger to a lifelong marriage and everything in between.

It's important to set the definition because it excludes a lot of activity that might be construed as sexual attraction, but is actually sexual desire or arousal.

None of these indicate sexual attraction:

-- engaging in sexual activity to appease a partner or to conform to societal conventions

-- autonomic responses that have no stimulus (morning wood, arousal without cause)

-- mental, emotional, or physical intimacy that does not involve the genitals

-- partaking in or creating sexual fantasies (erotic films/books/art, imaginary characters, unlikely partners such as celebrities, particularly if there is no desire, intention, or probability to act on the fantasy)

-- participating in sexual activity for reasons other than to form a relationship (academic or personal curiosity, boredom, procreation, self-love, etc.)

Asexuals can and often do engage in those activities. Even though they involve intimacy and arousal, they do not indicate sexual attraction. You don't lose your Ace of Hearts card just because you play DJ or have a fantasy about Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake.

Of course, it's up to each individual how far they are comfortable with taking a romantic relationship. But there are so many intimate activities apart from sex that asexuals can do without having that weird dissociated, uninterested feeling. There are so many ways to bond in a meaningful way apart from sex.

That is hugely reassuring.

What's love got to do with sexual attraction? Answer: Absolutely nothing in itself. Which means asexuals can love, bond, and form healthy long-term relationships.

No matter how entangled sexual attraction and romantic attraction may seem, they are two different entities. They often coexist in sexuals to differing degrees, but they are not interchangeable.

In order to visualize the possible interactions between someone's sexual and romantic orientation, let's draw a diamond with one extreme at each point.

R = 100% romantic, 100% sexual
AR = 0% romantic, 0% sexual

AS = 100% romantic, 0% sexual
S = 0% romantic, 100% sexual

D = 50% sexual, 50% romantic

Very few people relate to these extreme points. Instead, they'll fit somewhere inside the diamond with varying preferences for both romance and sexuality. That's because neither concept has a binary yes-no switch.

Take a moment to ponder where you may fit on the spectrum.

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12 comments

@Girl4Girlz21 Cool graphic. makes your shit clearer. Im in the top diamond. Sex and romance all the way baby!!!!

@curiouscritter18 Nah, your way overthinking this. It means you want the D, yo. No d = asexual

➡️ @Girl4Girlz21 So does that mean I don't experience sexual attraction because I don't want 'D'?

➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 Dude Jess is straight.

➡️➡️➡️ @Girl4Girlz21 Asexual ain't straight!

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 She likes men, dumb asd!

@SweetieCakes I'm in the red square. Like, I like a lot of sex and romance things, but some things suck.

➡️ @curiouscritter18 That's what she said...

➡️➡️ @SweetieCakes Dude...fr?

@StacieLouise Can you change? Like depending on your mood?

➡️ @CelibateForLife This diamond illustrates your sexual and romantic orientation, not how you feel on a given day.

➡️➡️ @StacieLouise So if I dont wanna have sex, but I like quite a bit of romance, I'd be one of the diamonds on the lower left?

➡️➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife On this diagram, either the diamond on the far left or the one below that. :)

@AceSquared cool graphic, but you could label the axes to make it clearer. like the AS/AR axis is romance and the AR/S axis is sexuality.

➡️ @CelibateForLife Good point, Squared. I'll fix that.

➡️➡️ @AceSquared cool cool I like it tho ... I'm close to AR. You?

➡️➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife Not sure yet. :)

@PrideYourPride What about gender? I think that would be a cool 3D graphic. Or sexual orientation?

➡️ @CelibateForLife That's a good idea, Pride. Hadn't thought of that. I might give that a try.

➡️➡️ @PrideYourPride cool beans.

@AceOfSpades Love this blog post, and I really think you're on to a winner there with the graphic and the definition. Some tweaking would make it perfect. Perhaps we can discuss SA versus RA a bit over AIM?

➡️ @curiouscritter18 Keep it in ur pants bro. She doesn't want the D.

➡️➡️ @AceOfSpades Ha! :D You realize I'm in the diamond at the bottom of that graphic, right?

➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 ya ya ya that what they all say. I dont wanna have sex then bam hot chick and alla sudden there all up in that

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceOfSpades What is happening right now? :D

@BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse im a pervert. far right diamond, dood. all sex, no romance. get ur own flowers.

➡️ @CarlyRocks23 OMG, me 2. a/s/l?

@Christian4Jesus I think you speak far too plainly about these private matters in public. Tone it down a bit.

➡️ @curiouscritter18 bitch, ain't no one ask you to come up here, so go back ta church priest

➡️➡️ @Christian4Jesus I'm simply speaking my mind.

➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 less talkin more Bible reading priest luvr!

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @Christian4Jesus I *beg* your pardon?

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 thays cool, bro. Ur forgiven.

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @Christian4Jesus I'm so done with this blog and these people you associate with. *Shame* on you for calling yourself celibate! The sin of the mind is as wrong as the sin of the body.

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 dude! Ur a sin of body and mind. shut your pie hole. Jess rocks my world!

@CelibateForLife I'd ask everyone to respect each other, please. I understand if it's not your thing, Christian. Critter, I appreciate your support, but let's keep it respectful.

➡️ @curiouscritter18 ok, my bad... just hate when people are diks.

@AceOfSpades Jess, I sent you an IM.

➡️ @curiouscritter18 whoa thay ace has the hots for you, cel. wear a chastitty belt. hes coming for ur bits!

➡️➡️ @AceOfSpades Critter, what the hell, man? :'D

➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 just lookin out for my girl jess :D :D :D

@MELane45 I like this. I'm definitely between D and R.

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A/N: The typos and internet slang are deliberate to build an authentic feel. Trolls and all. It was so much worse back then before all the controls, but I want to keep it PG-13. It's too much, just let me know.