"We're not going to go all the way. We don't have the stuff we need, and I don't think you're ready for that," Chaska muttered against Kyle's chin before kissing his jaw. "I'll just check what you like today, does that sound fine?" he asked, slipping to the side of Kyle before throwing a hand over the man's shoulder. 

"Yeah," Kyle whispered, looking away. His chest was burning, and he felt Chaska just might give him a heart attack with how sensual he was being.

     "I also have to see your face so I can read your lips and what you want to tell me since we can't be too loud," Chaska said, taking hold of Kyle's shin before making the man face him. "If you don't want to look at me when you feel embarrassed, you could close your eyes. I won't judge," the man said with a smile, moving his hand to run it down Kyle's back.

     "Your skin's great. It's softer than I thought it would be," Chaska mused, and Kyle's eyes went wide. So, Chaska did think of being intimate with him. The knowledge made him feel a lot better about his late-night antics when he felt the urge to think about the younger man and imagine what being like him would be like. He used to love touching and being touched by Anastasia, but Kyle knew the steps wouldn't be the same here at all.

     Anastasia had been small and soft, while Chaska was broad and taller than him. The younger man held him in a hug that made him feel safe and loved. Kyle liked having the feeling of his toned hands wrapped around him. Kyle enjoyed the younger man's kisses. His lips were fuller than Anastasia's small pout.

     "You're thinking. Who are you thinking about?"

     A wave of guilt washed over Kyle when he heard Chaska's voice. The younger man rolled over until he was on top of Kyle with his hands on either side of him.

     "I—" Kyle started but paused. He stared into Chaska's face, and the feeling of guilt washed over him again when he thought of Anastasia. His love for her had still died, but she had been the only person he had been intimate with, and it was hard not to compare. "Nothing," Kyle ended up saying as Chaska trailed kisses down his jaw.

     The dark-haired man chuckled, raising his head. "Don't lie to me. It's okay to think about the past, especially when you need to compare," Chaska muttered, letting his hand run over Kyle's belly before moving lower to wrap his fingers around the man's shaft.

     Longer fingers than Anastasia's. Warmer than Anastasia's.

     Kyle bucked, feeling his lower stomach knot up as Chaska stroked him. The man had told him that it was okay to compare, but he didn't believe that based on Chaska's reactions with his former lovers. Kyle didn't want to be seen that way. He wasn't testing being gay out. He liked Chaska and was pursuing him and that was the end of that. He wanted to prove that somehow and laying down like a pillow princess while Chaska touched him wasn't a good place to start.

     He sucked in his breath when Chaska kissed his chest. The young man's fingers touched one of his nipples as the man's lips grazed the other. Kyle closed his eyes, filling hid breathing hike as his body reacted to the touch.

     "You're quite quiet, aren't you?" Chaska said, pulling Kyle out of his ecstasy before leaning back on the man. Kyle felt Chaska's hardness press up against his stomach. "Don't you like it?"

     Kyle blinked before nodding. "I do!" He didn't. The pleasure had been swimming in his mind with all the comparisons. Plus, when he had started dating Anastasia she was still in college and was in a dorm with thin walls. Being quiet during sex had been a must then, and it had just continued that way when they had their son.

     Kyle groaned. "It's because of Otis—"

     "If you don't like it you can tell me, you know?" There was an edge in Chaska's voice. It seemed like he was expecting something bad. He got off Kyle before rolling to the side. "You don't have to force yourself to like something. If you've tried it and you think it's gross, let's stop." Chaska was trying to sound nonchalant and firm, but there was a shake in his voice. He did care if Kyle felt that way and wanted to stop everything with him, but Chaska wasn't going to be that young gay person that did everything to prove to confused older men he was just as enjoyable as a woman. He wasn't going to compete with men's imaginations. He could live without someone loving him. It was okay—

     "Chaska." Kyle's voice was small, but it was enough to snap Chaska out of his mental spiral.

     Kyle rolled to the side before reaching out to touch the younger man's face. "Chaska, please calm down it's nothing like that," he mumbled, pressing a kiss to the younger man's lips.

     "I like it a lot. I'm just used to being quiet, that's all," Kyle explained when Chaska's features softened, and his breathing stabilized.

     The two stayed quiet in the dark. Sometimes the light from the T.V. would grow a bit brighter, but it would dim down when the colorful commercials ended, dissolving into the deep blues and blacks of the crime movie playing on it.

     The men's bodies had cooled down, and Kyle even shivered a bit in the cold. The mini argument had killed the mood. Now, the two were just naked and laying side by side.

     "I'm sorry."

     Chaska's voice pierced the void that had been drowned out by the buzz of the television's low volume.

     "I'm just—I'm afraid I'll grow attached and then you'll change your mind." It was hard to admit, but there was a feeling of relief that came with being truthful. It was terrifying to Chaska. He was so adamant about preserving himself, but here was Kyle chipping away at that and making him feel a need to express himself.

     The clock ticked in the background, and there was a loud meow from one of the cats. Kyle didn't say anything. He knew Chaska was venting. It was good to let the man speak his mind and not interrupt him with his own words. Also, he had learned a long time ago that Chaska preferred changing the conversation if things became too much for him. At first, it had thrown Kyle aback how swiftly he changed the topic from something depressing to something as mundane as the price of noodles but hearing him pour his heart to him this night had cleared up his confusion.

     At a point, the two found their hands around each other, and they both basked in each other's scent and the feeling of their skins touching. The sweat on their body's felt cool under the breeze coming from the open window in the living room. Their eyes would flutter and close, and they were near sleep when Kyle called out Chaska.

     "Hey." Kyle's tone was low, but Chaska could hear him since they had their faces pressed together in the darkness.

     "What?" the younger man asked, feeling Chaska's hand roam down to his waist.

     "Can I do something?" Kyle asked, and Chaska narrowed his eyes at the man who was giving him a blank stare. "You just have to sit on the sofa, please?"

     Chaska let out a sigh, pulling away from Kyle before getting up on his feet. "Okay," he muttered, taking the needed steps towards the sofa before sitting down. He stared down at Kyle who was now sitting up on the blanket they laid down. "Now what?"

     Chaska didn't know what he had been expecting, but it hadn't been for Kyle to scoot over to him before taking a hold of his knees.

     "Kyle—"

     "As I said, I wanted to try something," the older man said, cutting Chaska off. The youth swallowed back his spit, watching as Kyle held his legs apart and rested his head on his thigh. He seemed hesitant. His eyes kept zeroing in on Chaska's privates, but they would trail away soon after. Chaska wished they had turned on the lights. He couldn't make out if Kyle was blushing and was just embarrassed, or if he was trying to swallow down his disgust to do what Chaska thought he was going to.

     "You don't have to..." Chaska trailed as Kyle touched him. His fingers were delicate. They pressed and stroked—they seemed shy. Chaska hardened in the man's hold, and he sucked in his lower lip, hoping to mask his low sighs and whimpers.

     Kyle's eyes flickered upwards and caught Chaska's gaze. "I want to," he said in a stern tone. He let his thumb rub over the tip, and his eyes narrowed when Chaska let out a low moan. Hid fingers grew confident. They stroked faster and slid down occasionally to feel the weight of the younger man's sacks.

     "Chaska," Kyle muttered, scooting closer before leaning in. "I'm a bit worried you won't like it."

     Chaska chuckled a bit. "Are you sure that's what you're worried about, and not the fact that you're about to do this?" He reached out, to stroke Kyle's hair. "You can be honest." Although he said those words, he wasn't sure if he was prepared for Kyle to say he didn't want to. It would crush him, and the fact that he was having difficulty accepting that Kyle might not want him that way bothered him.

     Why couldn't he treat the man like other men he had come across in his life?

     Was he just lonely and needed someone to cling to?

     Kyle was nice, yes. A bit aloof and quite attractive, but Chaska couldn't pinpoint anything specific about him that made him feel such intense emotions at the idea of the man not wanting him.

     Was it respect?

     It could be. Kyle was the only one who had truly respected his boundaries. The man didn't take his outbursts and nonchalance as spite against him. He understood that sometimes he needed to vent or needed space. At this point, most people would have left saying Chaska didn't care about their feelings, but Kyle was still here. Kyle was still willing to try. Kyle was patient beyond expression, and it threw Chaska off. The young man was still deciding if it was a good or bad thing.

     "No, I mean it," Kyle muttered, pressing a kiss to Chaska's inner thigh. "I've been thinking about being with you this way so much, it's quite embarrassing."

     "But I would have guessed that you'd think of entering me, not doing this," Chaska said, biting down on his lower lip when Kyle pressed a kiss to his shaft. It was quickly followed by a few licks.

     "What makes you say that?" Kyle asked, stroking the man.

     Chaska closed his eyes, letting out a whimper. "Most straight men would want to act like 'the man' in a relationship. Giving someone a blow job really isn't very manly or straight."

     "Who said I'm straight?"

     Chaska raised a brow. "Well, what are you?"

     "I don't know, probably bisexual," Kyle rambled, taking Chaska in his mouth. It was sudden, and it made Chaska groan and grip Kyle's hair as the man sucked on him. Moving his tongue with the warmth of his mouth. Kyle pulled away soon after, taking a deep breath before letting his eyes meet Chaska's.

     "I think about doing this to you a lot." There was an intense glitter in Kyle's eyes. It made Chaska shudder before turning away.

     "When we do it, do you want to be on top?" he asked, trying to change the conversation. Kyle had only been with women, so he was sure he knew the man wanted that, but he could surprise him.

     "I don't mind where I am on the stack. I just want to be with you," Kyle said, stroking Chaska again as he pressed a kiss to his lower thigh. "However, I've thought about you on top of me a lot. I know I want that. I'm sure it's hard to get used to, but I want it."

     Chaska swallowed back his gasp as Kyle took him in his mouth again. This time he did it for longer, replacing his mouth with his hands when he pulled away for brief moments to breathe. Chaska coming had shocked them both. It had been sudden, and Kyle did get some of it in his mouth, but he laughed it off as Chaska apologized and used the nearest item of discarded clothing to wipe the man's mouth.

     "It's okay. I'm happy you enjoyed it enough." There was a sincere smile on his face. So sincere, that Chaska didn't have a choice to believe him.

     It was such a small thing, but it was a big deal to the dark-haired man. He had told himself that he wasn't going to believe whatever came out of the mouths of men that claimed to like or love him. He had promised to use them as they used him, but it was different with Kyle. The man seemed honest. He believed the man liked him in all sincerity.

     Chaska trusted him, and it scared him.

     "If you hurt me, I won't forgive myself." Chaska's words were sudden, and they made Kyle blink with confusion. "I believe you. I trust you. Please don't make me regret that." The young man was speaking in fragments, but Kyle understood what he was referring to. The blond got up from the floor before moving to sit beside Chaska on the sofa. He pulled him close, making Chaska rest his head on his shoulder. They both stared at the television that still had lights dancing on its screen.

     "Thank you," Kyle managed to say after several minutes. Chaska didn't say anything in response. He squeezed Kyle's hand, and Kyle squeezed his back. Chaska's hand was shaking, and Kyle knew what he had told him this night had only been a fraction of the things that plagued him. He didn't bring Chaska's shaking hand up. He could wait for the younger man to open up to him.