I found myself not being able to draw, not being able to listen to music and just barely able to figure out something to write to let my confusion out.

I bottle up my emotions, happiness, sadness, frustrations, everything. Regardless of the fact that I've been told not to, I did and I would normally draw or write my bottled up emotions loose. It's simple. 

But It's become increasingly difficult. Something is really bothering me now. I wanted to not think about it but found myself only thinking about why I was struggling to let loose.

Today was about the 14th time I opened my art book and stared at it blankly, my arm holding the pencil and hovering above the huge blank page, ready to express, but I was blind at the same time, I didn't know what to draw, I didn't know what to think about, I... I couldn't draw.

I stayed up overthinking too. I want to tell someone but I can't open my mouth, I can't open up, I can't text it into words, I .. It's like my bottles have been filled to the rim and even though I actually tried to turn them upside down, to open up to someone, the water won't fall.

I don't know what to do. I've been drawing fanart and drawing things off the net coz I actually cannot think, or be imaginative of what to draw anymore, I can't express, even my writing has started to fail on me, I feel restricted and caught up, It scares me a bit.

I guess this is why I shouldn't bottle up everything. But what can I do? It's my nature. It  only became this much of a problem to me in the last 2 years,  maybe it's coz I forgot to have fun and I'm too busy protecting myself? no... that's not it, maybe I just overthink about this whole situation? but why would overthinking affect me now? I've done it anyway..

Urgh, I don't know, I'm frustrated about this little thing, it's been annoying me and frightening me for a while and I can no longer enjoy what I love doing, I can't draw, write or listen to music, I've been cornered upto just gaming and after a solid three or four hours of gaming, with a dizzy head and burning eyes, I would resort to my art book and get frustrated again. Oh my gosh, this is actually a problem now. What do I do?

I want to paint, paint with my brush, bright streaks and curves, light and dark shades, making me smile and heal with each second I spend living the moment in which I spend time creating my own work, I want to be able to draw with my pencil without any hesitation, to erase less, draw more, frown less, smile more.

I want to be able to listen to my songs without having to relate them to  my daily life situations, to not to look sad and miserable as music just fills me with sadness and hurt, to not pretend to be happy when  I listen to happy songs. K -pop or otherwise, I can't find my once sweet haven and home I had in those things I loved to do. Why? and I can't escape it, it hurts that my home hurts me too now.