Miles Dempsey

It was late Wednesday afternoon and I had just gotten home after running errands all morning. The regular season was ending tomorrow and I knew with the postseason coming, I'd be too busy to focus on anything other than hockey. Which is why I decided to wake up early on an off day and get shit done.

JT had spent the night at Ember and Nola's place and he wasn't going to be back until later tonight. He told me about a special dinner date he had planned for him and the little brunette. That meant that I would have the house to myself for a couple more hours which was all I really wanted and needed.

Don't get me wrong, living with the kid has been great. It's opened up my eyes in more ways than one but as a twenty-four-year-old man, I like my alone time. I haven't lived with an eighteen-year-old guy since I was in college when I was also eighteen.

So, I take advantage of the time I have alone. Except am I really alone when I've been talking on the phone with Nola for the past hour? She called me when I was at Target picking up a few essentials and we stayed on the phone since then. She was on a walk and needed the company. I was pretty far from home since I had to go to the BMW dealership to pick up some new license plates and we got to talking.

I promised myself I wouldn't tell her. I did. But somehow she picked up on my weird energy over the phone and kept asking me what was wrong. When I insisted I was fine, she called my bluff. So eventually, I built up the courage to tell her about the stress of finding my birth parents again.

We had still been talking about it as I got out of my car, collecting all the bags at once so I didn't have to come back. I unlocked my door with my phone and closed it behind me with my foot. "So when are you planning on talking to your parents about it then?" she asks, her voice soft and cautious like she didn't want to push me over the edge with her question.

I sigh deeply. "I have no idea, Scott. Telling my parents I want to find my birth parents isn't the simplest conversation. I'm trying to prepare myself for it too," I say, walking into my kitchen. My body comes to a halt when I notice someone standing in the middle of my kitchen with a white box full of pastries.

But my heart drops to my asshole because it's not just any person.

It's my mom.

She wears an evident frown. I'm not dumb enough to think she didn't hear. I wasn't whispering at all since nobody else was home. At least so I thought. With sad eyes, she sets the box down on the counter. Still in shock from her presence, my phone is still pressed to my ear as Nola speaks. Her words sound like gibberish to me at the moment since my body is in fight or flight mode.

My throat feels like it's closed up as thick silence floats in the air. She heard me. My mom heard what I said.

I'm able to move now and the first thing I do is hang up on Nola. I don't even say bye or anything before shoving my cell phone into the pocket of my shorts. "Mom," I start before she does. The emotion on her face tells me that she's heartbroken and I don't like it one bit. My heart clenches at the sight and I step forward but she takes a step back, sniffling.

"Your dad will be back in a couple of minutes. He went to go pick up a few things I needed to make dinner for you and JT," she tells me, her voice shaky. Great. She came over unannounced to make me dinner. Now I feel even more like an asshole. "Mom, I'm s-"

"I'm back! Miles, where are you, boy?" Pop's voice from down the hall cuts me off. Mom looks almost relieved that he's back now but I don't feel the same way. There's no coming back from this. It's out. The information is out and I'm having this conversation right now whether I wanted to or not.

God, help me.

I don't say anything but my pops finds his way to the kitchen. My back is turned to him, facing my mom who holds an expression that she's just found out the worst news ever. I'm starting to think that's exactly what happened. She's disappointed. "Chloe, what's wrong? Miles?" Pops says. My mom walks over to my dad and my eyes follow her. It's hard to even look at both of them in the eye right now.

Mom grabs the grocery bags from his hands and sets them on the counter. "Miles has something he wants to share with us. Don't you, Miles?" Her voice is no longer shaky and it frightens me. Pops looks confused and all I can do is nod. She wants me to tell them both at the same time. "Go on, now," Pops urges. "Let's sit," mom tells him, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the living room.

I follow shortly after them, feeling my heart lodged in my throat. Goosebumps form all over my skin and suddenly I feel dehydrated. All of my fears were coming true. By the look on Mom's face, I could tell she was heartbroken about what she heard come out of my mouth. I think I expected that kind of reaction from my parents but it doesn't mean I wanted it.

Hurting them fucks with my head.

They're my everything. Without them, I wouldn't have anything I have today. My whole life I've been trying to repay them for taking me in and raising me as their own. I hope that they don't think I'm trying to throw everything away by asking what I'm about to ask.

My hands are clammy now and I stare at them instead of my parents. I can feel both of their eyes on me as we sit in silence. "What is it, Miles? Is it hockey? Are you hurt?" Pops asks. I wish that was what was wrong. Anything else would be better than this. I shake my head. "It's..."

How do I even say this?
Where do I start?

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I use the distraction to stall this conversation. When I pull it out of my pocket I see it's Nola calling me for the third time. I should've not hung up on her without saying anything. Out of respect for my parents, I don't answer the phone, turning it off instead.

I take a deep breath as I try and gain the confidence to say my piece.

My pops looks at me more worriedly than my mom does but that's because she already knows what's about to come out of my mouth.

Don't hate me. Please don't hate me.

"Mom, Dad," I start. My legs tap anxiously against the vinyl, matching the quick beat of my heart. "I've been building up the courage to ask you guys about something." My dad furrows his brows at that statement and my mom takes a breath. I hold my breath as I say, "My birth parents. I wanted to ask you about my birth parents." Similar to how I found my mom in the kitchen, the whole mood shifts.

Pops' face drops and mom's does too, like it's the first time she's heard this. They turn to look at each other and mom gives my dad a weak smile. He doesn't return it though, swallowing roughly as he turns back to me. "The question we were never really ready to hear," Pops says sadly. My eyes close and I shake my head slowly.

The physical pain my body is in from so much hockey doesn't compare to the emotional pain I'm feeling right now.

"We knew it would come," mom nods, "doesn't mean we were ever going to be ready." There's so much emotion in her voice. I know she's feeling many at once. "I'm sorry," is all I can say. I really am. If my head would just shut the fuck up, I wouldn't have ever asked this question. Because the parents sitting in front of me are everything I could ask for and more. I just needed answers.

"Don't be," mom tells me. "Just know that we love you, kid. From the moment the nurse put you in your mom's arms," Pops says, making my heart clench. "Even before," mom adds quietly, wiping a tear that slips. Fucking hell.

"I love you guys too. More than you may ever know. Me asking you this doesn't mean anything bad towards you both and the life you've given me. You know I'm grateful for everything, always. It's why I'm still trying to repay you both. For saving me. Wanting me even though I wasn't naturally yours," I say.

Mom smiles weakly. "You were always ours. You don't have to repay us for anything, Miles. As we've always said, you are our greatest gift. After you, we didn't need anything else. You made us complete." I don't remember the last time I ever cried until now. A traitorous tear cascades down my cheek but I don't bother wiping it. It's my parents after all. They're one of the few people who have seen me cry before.

"But we respect your wishes and we love you, so we'll tell you anything you want to know, son," Pops adds. Mom nods, agreeing with him. "Just... bare with us, okay? And prepare yourself because not everything about your birth parents is ideal," my dad tells me.

I sit up straight now. Those words put me a bit on edge but I nod, wanting to know more. My heart pounds viciously against my chest. They look at each other and whisper for a second, trying to figure out what to share with me I'm assuming. Mom nods at dad and then turns to face me.

"We had been working with Trinity for months trying to find a baby but it would always fall through. Trinity got a call the day before about a young mom who decided to put her newborn up for adoption and we took it instantly. We flew out to Miami and you were born a couple of hours later," Mom tells me.

I know Trinity. She's the social worker my parents worked with. I met her a couple of times when I was younger. She would check in with us all the time.

"Your mom was young. A college sophomore at the time, only 19 years old. She told us that she kept her pregnancy a secret from everybody. A baby wasn't in her plans, especially at a young age. She was going to finish college and then move back home to Wisconsin. Her name is Bethany. We only spoke with her for a couple of minutes but she seemed like a sweet girl," mom explains.

Bethany.

Thousands of emotions flutter through me at the name. I finally know her name.

"She just wasn't ready yet and that's okay," Pops adds. I can't fault her. Nineteen and in college. My parents told me she was young years ago but they never went into detail and I never asked questions before either. "You said she kept it a secret. So... my birth father doesn't know I exist?" I ask the main question lingering in my head.

Mom and Pops look at each other again before looking back at me. "He doesn't," Pops is the one to say. Oh, wow. "Your birth parents were young, Miles. They had also only been together for a while before you were conceived. Sadly, your birth mom and dad broke up. And then..." Mom pauses and takes a breath. "Your birth father was... in a terrible accident."

My eyes widen slightly. "He passed away. It wasn't until after he did that your birth mom found out she was pregnant so he never knew. I'm sorry," mom finishes. Well, fuck. I wasn't expecting that. I don't miss the disappointed feeling that follows after hearing that my birth father isn't alive. I didn't know the guy but it still makes me feel sad.

He was younger than I was when he lost his life.
How can life be so cruel?

"What type of accident?" I ask mom. "Car accident. He was on his way back to Miami when he got into the wreck. A couple weeks after his 19th birthday," she tells me. "Well, that was the last thing I was expecting," I mumble, looking down at my hands again. "We don't know much about him but your birth mom did say you looked like him. Although, we've never seen him ourselves so we couldn't tell you if that's true," mom adds.

I look like him? After years, I've finally learned that I look like my birth dad. Well, looked. I glance up at my parents again. "Did she tell you his name at least?" I ask, hoping I could at least hear his name. "She did. His name was Ryle Grayson, I believe," mom says, turning to look at dad who nods.

Why does that first name sound familiar to me?

"Is that all you know about him?" I ask, wanting to know more. Mom nods, "That's about all of it, honey. I'm sure your birth mother can tell you way more. That is....if you want to go as far as meeting her." My eyes stay laser-focused on mom. I see the little bit of hurt that crosses her features as she says that last sentence.

To be completely honest... I do want to meet my birth mother. She has all the answers I'm looking for and it would be nice to meet the woman who brought me into this world. Even though the thought of being rejected hurts me, I'm willing to take that risk.

"Are you sure? I mean could I even do that?" The question lingers around in the air for a while before Pops answers it. "I'm sure we can reach out to her through social media if you'd like. We'll help you look since we know what she looks like," he says. I swallow the thick lump in my throat and nod. "Yeah, sure," my voice comes out quieter than usual.

I pull out my phone again and walk over to fill in the empty space my mom and dad made for me. "Try Facebook," my mom says. I open the app which is logged into my mom's Facebook. Social media isn't my thing, meaning I don't have a Facebook. Mom lets me stay logged into hers in case I want to look at anything on there.

"Search Beth James," she tells me and I do. When accounts start popping up, mom scrolls on my phone. She finally presses one and her page opens up. The profile picture is of her I'm assuming. My birth mom is blonde, her hair tied up in a ponytail. She has brown eyes, unlike my gray ones. She's smiling in the picture too. If I were to have ever seen this woman in public, I wouldn't know she had any relation to me.

I don't look like her at all.

When I try to scroll, everything else comes up short. She has a private account. "I'll reach out to her for you if you want. See if she wants to meet you," mom says softly. I turn over to her. I know how hard this is for her but she's keeping her emotions at bay. "Really? You'd do that?" I ask. She nods slowly. "I want you to get everything you want, I'll do this for you and let you know the outcome," she tells me.

I take a deep breath and nod. It's likely she'll remember who my mom is anyway. She has more of a chance of answering her than me. "Tonight. When I get home," mom says. She grabs the side of my face and kisses my cheek. "I'm gonna go get started on dinner, okay? Will JT be home soon?" I nod, even though I don't know when the kid will be home. "Okay. Honey, can you help me peel potatoes?" She faces Pops.

"I'll be right behind you," he tells her and she smiles before walking back to the kitchen. I watch her until she's out of sight, my heart clenching in my chest. "She's going to be okay. Just give her time," Pops says next to me. I turn to look at him and notice the emotion in his eyes too. He's going to be strong for my mom, just like he always is in situations like this. "She hates m-"

"Now, you know that isn't true. Not even in the slightest," Pops stops me before I can finish. "We do everything for you. This subject is just touchy for all of us. No matter what happens, we're going to be here, alright? We're not going anywhere and we hope you won't either," he tells me, wrapping his arm around my back.

"I'm not going anywhere, Pops. If there's one thing I can promise, it's that. You guys are my family forever. I mean that. Meeting her isn't going to change us. Even if she's the best person in the world. Well, she couldn't be because that's you and mom," I assure him. He pats my back twice. "I believe you," he stands up, "and I'll remind your mom about reaching out to Bethany."

I nod in thanks. He smiles slightly. "Give that kid a call and let him know your moms making dinner for the both of you, will you?" dad asks. "Yeah, I'll give him a call," I say. He gives me one final nod before walking into the kitchen with mom. I throw my head back on the couch as I process every bit of information I just learned.

This all played out a lot differently than I imagined but it went a lot better than the scenario that kept replaying in my head. I know my parents were bound to be upset and seeing them upset did hurt me more than anything. Yet at the end of the day, they were the amazing parents I knew they were. They let me have what I wanted regardless of what they felt about the situation.

Hell, Mom is even helping me out.

I've been talking about this for months and finally, I have all the answers I want. Some are better than others of course. My birth father not being alive anymore shocked me. He hasn't been alive since before I was born. Mom and Pops gave me little to no info on the man which is why I'm hoping for more when or if my birth mother responds.

A weight has been lifted from my chest but now another one takes over it. Who knows when or if my birth mother will even respond? I don't know what will happen if she doesn't but I also don't know what will happen if she does.

Everything is up in the air right now. As much as I finally wanted answers, getting them didn't make anything better. Because the stress of the next part is enough to continue screwing with my head.

Tomorrow is also our last game in the regular season and I don't want to lose. Ending the regular season on a good note will have us going into the postseason with some confidence and that's what we need the most right now.

I care about the team a lot and that's why I want us to win. Not just tomorrow but all games forward. At least if this whole thing with meeting my birth mother fails, I'll still have something to look forward to in the future. That is being a World Champion. Succeeding my lifelong dream of winning it all.

The thought of that sends shivers down my back.
I want it. I want it more than I want anything else.

So, going into tomorrow, hockey is going to be my sole focus.
Everything else, I'll take one day at a time.