A.N.://(    @Merthurshipper (on ao3)
Thank you for motivating me to continue this story :)
I've had this sitting as a WIP for quite some time, because I actually have to edit a few things from the previous chapters. But upon rereading it, I have decided it can wait for now.
I will finish it first.
And not to praise myself. But damn I did reread a bunch of beautiful lines and anecdotes and shit.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ENCOURAGING ME TO REREAD IT!!!!!
I was dreading it so much XD Not anymore. Here you go!

You are right... it has been MONTHS!!!!!

(art: by me. Check out my bio for my social media)



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Lancelot was clearly having a crisis. And not for the reason you might suspect. In fact, it wasn't exactly the development of Arthur and Merlin being together that shocked him, if that's what you thought.
It was that he hadn't seen it coming. Despite him being the one with the most memories (of the people with the lost memories) and information, he hadn't known. He was Arthur's best friend and he hadn't known!
It was the fact that only moments ago, he was still processing that Arthur was the prince and therefore future king of Camelot.
And now he realized that he was the Ex - boyfriend of his wife. Which neither of them had known.

Then there was the fact that Merlin was a traitor to the kingdom. Lancelot had set his mind to maybe having to protect Arthur from him. Not to find them .... married.
He knew Arthur. He knew how hard changes were for him. How unstable his condition was with all the memory loss and stuff. And he knew Arthur wasn't ready to settle down last time they saw him.
The mere fact that he was ready to leave Gwen and him on such short notice had been a shock.
To find that he now – well – settled down with a man who was apparently ordered to kill him -
That he settled down with a man who promised nothing but problems and changes...

Let's just say this was a lot.
It should be easier for Gwaine – because he remembered stuff that Lancelot didn't. It was easier for Gwaine, because the man had known how little he knew about their situation and was therefore prepared to approach things with an open mind.

Lancelot – was not that.
Lancelot was shell shocked to realize he was suddenly the one who knew the least. When before – he had the most intel on their shared memories. Since he knew about Merlin's magic, even before he had turned against the kingdom.
Gwen hadn't. Arthur definitely hadn't.

Speaking of magic. Arthur had learned to accept magic over the year he had spend with Lancelot and Gwen and well – Katie. Now, all of a sudden, they were back to square one.

Actually, the thought of Arthur getting married had never even occurred to Lancelot.
And for some reason – for all he knew Arthur – he would have expected Arthur needed someone less complicated. Someone who grounded him by being not magical. By being sturdy and uptight. Not such an aloof character as Merlin was.
Furthermore, he had tried to set Arthur up with people before – but Arthur had never picked up on them. He was too uncertain about himself to engage in any form of relationship (Except for friendships.).

Also... Lancelot did remember Merlin in Camelot and he had been much the same.

"Lance, are you okay?", Gwaine finally asked.
And that's when the headache hit him.

---------

"Say, Merlin, have you ever been in love?"

They were at a bar. One of the few nights out that Arthur and his servant attended together.
Lancelot may not be a knight. But he was honorable enough to be invited.
And if Merlin was here, then Lancelot was allowed too.
This game they played – it was truth or dare. Just without a dare. Which made it basically a normal conversation. But with topics they just wanted to annoy each other with. And questions nobody wants to be asked.

Merlin chuckled, then shook his head. "No?", it sounded like a question. Which was always an invitation for the knights to pester him.

"Oh come on – Merls. I'm sure there has been someone who caught your interest!", Sir Gareth had asked and nudged Merlin's shoulder.
"Yeah, sure.", Arthur crossed his arms with a mocking glance.
"I believe Merlin. I was just messing with him. I would know if there was one."

Lancelot shook his head. For all Arthur talked, he surely knew little about his best friend. He still hadn't gotten the hint that Merlin was far too drunk already for someone who allegedly spend far too much time at the tavern. And should have build up a lot more stamina. (Not really drunk, but enough to have loosened up a considerable amount.)
The bartender had asked, if he was off age yet! Sometimes Arthur was a real twat.

Merlin fumbled with his hands, too drunk to lie. "Actually – there was someone. Once.", he said, head shaking from side to side. A painful smile plastered on his face.

Arthur stopped drinking his ale, a mix of confusion and something else suddenly plastered on his face. "Please don't tell me it's Gwen. Because I talked to her. She told me it was completely one sided!"
Merlin laughed, as the knights gaped at him. Then they broke into laughter.

"What? No! I never liked Gwen."
"That's why I said it was one sided you dimwit. Who knows what was wrong with her back then. Clearly her taste has improved."
That earned him more laughter. And soon enough, Arthur offered the next round.
"You're right. Lancelot clearly was an improvement from that. Too bad old habits die hard, right, Sire?" (The – because Gwen had dropped her expectations for you was implied. But Arthur saw right through Merlin.)

Lancelot choked on his drink as he finally lost his composure too. It wasn't that funny, really. Especially considering that Arthur liked Gwen and she liked him back too. But alcohol makes you laugh at the most unsettling things sometimes.

"Excuse me then, Merlin! I have you know – Gwen is very lucky to have -", Arthur stopped himself. After all – it was Arthur who kept saying Gwen and him could never be together.
Since she was a servant and he was a prince.
"Yes, you are so right Sire. She's really lucky she holds the favor of the crown prince himself. Even if that is all, she'll ever get. But you know – if I was her – I would totally exploit you for your money! Not saying that she would – of course."
Merlin barely saved himself with that last one. But Arthur was pissed now.

"Oh yeah. And what was so great about you that your lucky lady decided to – urgh – NOT stay?"
Arthur should not have said that. The knights were still laughing. Not knowing just how loud that mental slap echoed in the room.
Merlin's laughter died in an instant.
"I -", Merlin cleared his throat.

"Come on now – Merlin. What was it? Your wits? Your incredible charm? The fact that you are NOT rich?"
Merlin's eyes averted his king.
"Merlin?", Arthur suddenly stopped. The lack of a witty response suddenly catching up to his fuzzed brain.

Merlin fiddled with his thumbs. "It's erm – it's not funny. Really.", he said, shaking his head.
"Did she cheat on you?"
Suddenly the atmosphere was quiet again. The knights too seemed to realize the shift in the atmosphere. It was tense. But not in a too uncomfortable way. Merlin knew Arthur didn't mean it in a bad way.

"We –", Merlin took a deep breath. "The girl and I -", he said as calmly as possible. "We had planned to run away together."
There was a pause. Arthur's eyes widening. "Run away?", he asked incredulous. If Merlin had found someone who could make him leave Arthur – even the knights put down their drinks now and listened carefully.
"We planned to build a house, at a lake with flowers and mountains and cows.", Merlin chuckled a little. And normally, Arthur would have made fun of him for being girlish with that dream.
"We were going to live on a farm together."

Arthur let his drink sit on the table as well. Clearly struck with something else. Something familiar. He seemed to recognize that dream.

Later, when Lancelot and Gwen passed by each other and he quietly asked her if she had known about Merlin's plan, she would tell him "no".
But that once upon a time – Arthur had told her of a similar dream that the prince had. Of running away. Escaping his destiny.
And Lancelot asked her, if she would go with him, if Arthur ever decided to follow through with that plan.
She said "No. I wasn't invited."
"No?", Lancelot would ask. And Gwen would just chuckle and shake her head.
"No. But he had decided he would take Merlin with him. They are idiots. Both of them.
Arthur doesn't even know how much he loves Merlin." She meant it in a platonic way then. But she was more right than she ever knew.

Now, however, Arthur just stared at his servant. Who was clearly distraught by these memories.
"You wanted to run away from here?" The "without me" was silent. "The from me.", so quiet you would hardly dare to think it. The knights all lacked the right context. So only Arthur and maybe Merlin could see what he was really asking.

Merlin just shrugged. "A man does strange things for love." They all nodded, remembering times when they had made similar mistakes. (All except for Leon who seemed slightly confused at their admissions. "we do?", you could hear him ask one of his friends. A.N.:// I like the mood of oblivious aroace Leon. I know this isn't how all aroaces react and behave. But I enjoy his reactions this way and find them relatable on many occasions.)

"What changed your mind?", Lancelot finally cut in, wondering how this particular story would end.
Now, Merlin had regained his attention once more. Everybody curious what had happened to the (allegedly) one person that ever held Merlin's heart.
Merlin was quiet for a moment, stretching the suspense of the moment. If on purpose or not was unclear. Looking from one person to another, as if to contemplate if it was worth telling them. Or if their reactions would just add to his grief.
"She died.", Merlin finally concluded.
The look on Arthur's face would be burned into Lancelot's memories forever. Or so he thought.

--------------------

Lancelot stilled in his seat next to Gwaine. Holding his head. The last "What the fuck!" still echoing in the forest.

It appears, as Arthur learned more about himself , with Excalibur and that flower combined, the people around him – too – gained more memories.
Only barely, they noticed the flowers next to them start to glow in an ominous light.

------------------------------------------------

The ride back to Camelot was silent between Agravaine and Merlin. Not that that should be much of a surprise, really.
After all, Merlin was trying to tell Agravaine as little as possible about what had happened during his break. Since he couldn't lie, he really didn't need more suspicion on his part.
To Agravaine, Merlin was merely a tool. Not worth talking to.

Only when bandits crossed their path, Agravaine raised a hand at Merlin. And then ordered him to kill. It didn't matter, if Merlin tried to stop himself or his magic.
It didn't matter, if he was begging for him to stop the order. In the end they rode through a path of bloody bodies. Smashed from their horses to the ground.
Merlin closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. He hadn't killed in two years. He hadn't received an order in just as long.

He needed time to get used to it again. He hoped, he really really hoped, that one day he could make this stop.
But so far, all he managed to do was avert his eyes. And breathe so hard it was as though he was trying to compensate for the breaths he had stolen.
They rode in silence.

Merlin hoped, wherever Arthur was, he would find the note he had managed to leave behind in their shared home.
Arthur should notice something was off. That Merlin wouldn't be gone this long without a reason.
This was what Merlin had done when he gave the house one last longing look. Right before he pretended to kill Freya.

Magic truly could accomplish the most wondrous things. But when it came down to it, the part that Merlin liked the most were the mundane things.
The easy, simple, daily tasks you could do with them so easily. And the best part was – the more discreet you were, the better the result of what you accomplished, the less people actually noticed you ever did anything.

The Arthur Merlin knew had always appreciated that part of his powers.
Agravaine preferred his much more noticeable use of the art. Noticeable as in terrifyingly bloody and brutal.

Merlin missed Arthur already. 'Just please, don't come after me. I don't want you to see me like this.'

---------------------

Arthur was strolling around the forest. Trying to catch his breath. For all his exhaustion, he had started to run at one point. Who cared that he had a friggin sword in his hand and could hurt himself with it any second?
Who cared it was magical? Apparently everyone he ever loved was! Everyone he ever trusted had magic.
Morgana, Katie, .... he came to a halt at another tree. Merlin.
And you know, the thing that hurt the most was that he couldn't even hate them. Him.

Like – Morgana had shown very obviously that she had no intention to grab his crown. She had no intention to actually rule. She had not attacked him, even though his father had taught him that magic corrupted. He remembered all the sorcerer's that HAD been corrupted by it.
But Morgana seemed fine.... considering her situation.

Katie on the other hand had never even lied to him. She had shown him her magic almost from the very beginning.

But Merlin -

Arthur had known him for years. Years and years and years. And he never even knew half of him.
Always only a little.
You could argue that Arthur had known him better now, that they were married. But the truth was, people only ever know what they remember. And that wasn't all that much, as you know.

You could say, Arthur had chosen not to know Merlin, as Merlin had chosen not to fully know Arthur. That's why they avoided triggering memories.
To keep each other safe.
But back then, before the memories, Arthur hadn't ever truly known Merlin. Never truly seen all sides of him.
Merlin hadn't trusted him.

He could have who knows what kind of goals in Camelot and Arthur let him in to his heart.
If Merlin remembered his goals, if he remembered who Arthur truly was.... what would he do then? Would he... maybe even be okay with all those orders he was forced to follow?

Arthur tried not to feel betrayed. He tried not to feel used. He tried not to feel scared.
Arthur was the future king. It was his duty to keep his kingdom from harm. From magic. From corruption. He was supposed to marry a rich noble princess.
He was destined to fight wars and bring peace.

Now he had neglected those duties. He had betrayed his father as much as Agravaine and Merlin had. Arthur had married the guy who was magic itself. And he hadn't fought for Camelot in years. Never interfered in other people's affairs.
He was supposed to collect taxes. Now he was paying them.
He had done exactly what he had hated the prince for. He had abandoned his duties. And even though he'd known there was a possibility that it was him... he had chosen to ignore it again!

This WAS his choice. This was exactly the choice he had made.
He had WANTED this life. The worst part was, he still did! He wanted so desperately go back to oblivion. He wanted to badly to erase his mind, just to wake up in his and Merlin's hut again and watch him do magic without fearing his every move.
Because it had been beautiful. Warm and comforting and inviting. He wanted that back.
But it was too late now.
Because his husband wasn't just a runaway mass murderer. He was the person who killed Arthur's father. Who lied to him for years.
Who used his magic – this beautiful thing – to destroy everything Arthur loved!
He was the reason why Arthur had run away from Camelot. He was the reason he abandoned Camelot – TWICE!
He was the reason Arthur lost his memories!
Arthur groaned. His mind was running in circles.

"Merlin is a sorcerer.", he told himself. "He killed my father. He was ordered to kill me. He made everyone forget about me!"
He took a deep breath. And then – he halted in the middle of a small clearing. Wind picked up, as his own breathing hitched.

Wait one second. What did he just think?
There was no sound around him. No person had followed him. He was alone. He had neither heard nor seen anything.
Something about that memory was odd.

Arthur stood up, leaning on the sword as he did so.
He replayed it in his mind. How Agravaine had betrayed him. Ordered Merlin to kill the king. And to his horror, Merlin had done just that. Only one movement of his hand and his father was dead.
Merlin's teary face directed at Arthur now. "How about you kill Arthur next?, Agravaine had suggested. And then Merlin's eyes had already been red.
"Kill him, Merlin. Erase him from existence." That was Merlin's order.

"Kill him." The words echoed in Arthur's mind. Red eyes.
Merlin had followed his orders without hesitation. Not because he chose to, but because he HAD to obey. And yet he had followed the order to erase Arthur from existence first. And half heartedly at that. Because Arthur was still here.
"Kill him."
Arthur was still alive.
"Erase him from existence."
Merlin had erased Arthur from everybody's mind. But he hadn't erased Arthur himself. Arthur still existed.

Arthur's eyes widened, as something warm seemed to wrap itself soothingly around his bleeding heart.
"Merlin disobeyed the order.", he realized with a start.
And that -
changed everything.

--------------------------

Morgana was entirely unprepared, when Agravaine stormed the throne room.
Mordred and her had been drinking tea in peace, while Leon kept boring his eyes into her intently, as if trying to quietly convince her to listen to him.
But she ignored him.
Instead, she had found the bracelet again that Morgause had once gifted to her and that kept her dreams away.
Which, in hindsight, had been a horrid idea, because it kept the visions from her mind.
She would have known, if she hadn't needed a clear head to help Mordred run the kingdom.

Now, when Agravaine entered, she sighed. Thinking that her peaceful few days without his unnecessary input were over now.
(Kara was a bad enough presence to be around as it was.)
But then she saw Merlin stumbled after Agravaine. His eyes completely red. His every step looked like he was being forced to make it.
And maybe he was.

Morgana stood up apruptly. The scratching sound of her chair against the stone floor echoed in the large room.
"Emrys.", she said, face completely ashen now at the sight of the person who once poisoned her.

Mordred stood up excitedly. "Agravaine! You found Merlin! Merlin, come here -"
Mordred had developed the awful habit to look past each and every evil deed Agravaine had ever done. And also forcing Merlin into hugs.
But Merlin wasn't bound by the curse anymore. He wasn't responding.
And when the realization hit Mordred, his smile fell instantly.

"Merlin? Is something wrong? Did the potion stop working?"

Merlin looked pained. So incredibly pained.
And Morgana – for the first time in her life – realized her mistake. She had known Emrys would kill her. She knew Merlin was under the curse that made him obey each and every order of these men – but she had never seen him actively being forced to obey.
It looked o so incredibly painful.

She breathed visibly. Her eyes wide and her mouth agape.
"It was you!", she turned to Agravaine. "YOU'RE the one who is -"

"Kill her.", Agravaine said with the hint of a smile. Mordred screamed: NO!", but Merlin's hand was already raised at Morgana.
Mordred's order did nothing. Merlin whimpered, as he flicked his wrist and then -

If you thought it was that easy to kill Morgana – the high priestess of the old religion – who had magic to protect her and Mordred at her side to help her, you were easily fooled.
Together they raised a giant shield of golden magic that averted Merlin's attack.
Just for a moment, Morgana could see the relief in Merlin's eyes.
And she recognized that look.

That was the same look he had worn when Morgana had survived the poisoning.
The pained expression he wore before he casted his spell at her had been exactly the same as before he offered the flask to her.

Somehow her insides burned.
It hit her like cold bricks. As spell upon spell was cast to fight off a man who never intended to hurt her.
Merlin had no choice. Not then – not now.
But why not then? Who had forced him to do this back then?

"Morgana -", Merlin was whimpering, all while Agravaine laughed and kept ordering spell upon spell.
Merlin obeyed, and soon had Morgana and Mordred cornered.

It was then that the doors blasted open again. "Mordred, I -"
Kara's eyes widened at the sight in front of her. "Agravaine! What is the meaning of this!", she said and stepped between him and Mordred. For just a few moments, the room was quiet again.
'Where the hell are the guards, when you need them?', Morgana wondered and glanced at Leon, who had instinctively hidden under the table.
Leon was not a coward. But in a fight between three sorcerer's and one man who had the absolute power over one of them... what could one simple knight without magic do?

"Get out of my way, Kara.", Agravaine said and fetched his teeth at her.
"Mercia's army is coming closer, you imbecile! We still might need her!"

"Kara?", Mordred's voice sounded broken as he uttered her name. Kara send him an apologetic glance. "You know this has to be done, darling.", she nodded knowingly.
"Killing Morgana? KILLING MORGANA HAS TO BE DONE?", he basically screamed.

"Merlin, seize them both!", Mordred had an uncertain look in his eyes, as he tried to order Merlin around.
But Merlin looked completely broken.
His red eyes tiredly locked with Mordred. "I can't.", he mouthed. And it was true. He couldn't follow the order. So he didn't.

"Kara, dear. As much as I value your council... you're too involved with Mordred.
Emrys, kill her."

This time... nobody could stop him. Merlin's eyes were tear trimmed, as he flicked his wrist at Kara. Kara, whose eyes widened in disbelieve, shock and betrayal.
And then her body fell limp and she collapsed to the ground. Morgana's mouth fluttered open and closed in shock.

"Now. Where were we.", Agravaine said and then almost laughed.
"Ah yes, right. Emrys can take care of Mercia by himself. You however.", his eyes set into a frown.
"Merlin – kill them."

---------------------------------

When Arthur returned to camp, he had his mind set.
On what, he didn't even know himself. But there was a determination rising within him, that he hadn't had before. A knowledge was approaching him. An understanding.
And he would patiently wait for it to come to him.
All he knew was – that his heart was slowly healing.
He had the vague suspicion that the blue flower had something to do with it, because it kept glowing in his chest pocket.
It felt like all those times when Merlin had told Arthur he loved him. It felt like all the times Arthur hadn't been able to say it back.... and he knew eventually a time would come, where he could again.
He twitched a bit at that thought.
Was it even smart to forgive Merlin? Or would he have to move on? He dreaded it. He dreaded the thought of moving on. Dreaded the thought of hating Merlin. Of wanting to hate him.
He wanted to forgive Merlin, too. But more than anything... he wanted a reason to.

Armed with Excalibur and this glowing flower, Arthur found Lancelot and Gwaine cowered over someone.
Someone who looked.... like a bandit.

In an instant, his mind was blanked once again.

"Are we being attacked?", Arthur asked and ignored his own bloody feet, as he held up his sword. Ready to fight a whole army of bandits, if he must.
But Gwaine and Lancelot only turned around at his approach. Their eyes fear- and dreadful.

"No.", Lancelot shook his head.
"He ran here. He's... he's a bandit. They were attacked."

"By who?", Arthur asked. But a part of him knew. There was a reason why Freya had said their time was running out. He lowered down to the man and tried to see where he was hurt.
But the bandit was dead. It looked like he was choked to death, at least according to the blue color on his lips and the tears in his eyes.
But there were no marks on his neck. Nothing that indicated anyone had hurt him.

Gwaine was shuddering as he took another breath. He reached over and held Arthur's ring in his outstretched hand.
Arthur swallowed.
"The shadow.", Lancelot said instead of uttering the one name they all knew did this.
Then again.... it was no lie.
"He said the shadow did this."

Arthur swallowed and sat down next to the corpse.
He didn't grab for the ring immediately. He just stared at it for a second, before burying his face in his hands. "Fuck.", he muttered.
They had Merlin.
Panic filled him. Merlin didn't even know....
Anything really.
He didn't know what Arthur knew. What he remembered. Nor what he just figured out!

And now he was all alone and a puppet on a string for Agravaine until someone saved him.
Until Arthur saved him.
Because who else could? Who else would?

"Arthur, we have to hurry. If they are already this far... we need to keep going!", Lancelot urged.
Gwaine bit his lip and was about to close his hand around the ring, when Arthur stretched out his own hand.
Surprised, Gwaine looked at Arthur, then his hand.
Arthur didn't look at him, but the wave of his hand told Gwaine everything he needed to know. He let the ring fall back into Arthur's hand.
Arthur nodded in thanks and put it back on his ring finger. Still, without looking at it. Until it sat where it belonged. Then he glanced at it thoughtfully.

"Through sickness and health. Through the good and the bad times.", he muttered and then stood up to face the unknown.
"Lancelot is right. We have to go."