A.N.:// WARNING: Homophobic slurs and internalized homophobia as well as past abuse will be mentioned in this one. If you don't like this or have trouble dealing with such content, do NOT read this OS. 

HURT/COMFORT/FLUFF (lol -_-)

It was like Merlin was a joke to the entire world. How come someone like him could be born so close to Camelot?
He was literally everything the kingdom despised.
He was a magic user. A sorcerer. A powerful one at that. He was a commoner non the less.
He was a bastard child. He never met his father and his parents weren't married.
And what made matters even worse – he was attracted to men.
Yeah.

The last part itself had induced a lot of pain on to him. By his children in his village who had resented him for it during the time he figured it out.
By his neighbors who blamed his mother for it. Like "the boy never had a real father. Now he is compensating."
Yeah, like that made any sense. They would have blamed his father too, if it had been his mom who left..
"A household only of men? No wonder he turned out like that." Not that it made any sense either way.

Merlin was marked as weird, as soon as he had opened his eyes. They were golden when he was a child. They turned normal when he grew older.
Normal. That Merlin even had to say that about his own eyes was sad in itself.
He should be proud of his golden eyes. He really wasn't. He used to love them, but that stopped with time.

Merlin had been bullied as soon as learned to walk. He was a sorcerer. That was not forbidden in Essetir, the kingdom he grew up in. But he was close enough to Camelot to know that people wished it was.
Then they learned of his family situation. Some of the kids even heard that he was being educated by his mother. Learned to read.
They had treated him like that was a bad thing.

When he grew older and figured out more things about himself, kissed the first guy he ever had a crush on – some bloke named Tim or something – things got even worse.
More often than not – Merlin came back with bruises on his body. Because somehow – these people thought calling him a 'faggot' wasn't punishment enough.
NO. They had to physically bruise him. Just not in places his mother could see.

Merlin just didn't fit in anymore. Not that he ever had.
Only Will – the only good soul in this entire village had accepted him for what – for who he was.
And treated him accordingly. It was him who had first suggested he'd leave Ealdor for good.

They've had a long discussion about it. It went on for more than a month in which they fought and cried and apologized and argued again. In the end, Merlin decided it was probably for the best.
Not for himself – not just himself - for Will as well. Whom they had also made a target. Simply because he hung out with Merlin.

His backstory sounds so simple. It is explained rather shortly. But all this stretched on for seventeen years. Day and night. Nightmares and fear his daily friend.
He had more scars to prove his pain than any knight he would later meet. But these were long not his last ones.

They were just the beginning. Of a journey he never knew would be his destiny.

-----------------------------------

Merlin only once fell in love with a woman. And she died soon after. Neither of them were interested pursuing a sexual relationship. But maybe they hadn't known each other long enough.
Or – as Merlin rather believed – he just really wasn't attracted to women. Even if he liked one. A lot.
He had loved her as a person. Romantically.
Which was strange to him, because he'd only ever felt attraction (romantic and sexual) to men before.
She was the one person that would have made sense to him AND the rest of the world.
Well.... except that she was a basted. But since when does Merlin ever fall in love with uncomplicated people?

They were both considered to be monsters. But really they were just people. Merlin liked how easy it had been for them to be together. It may be selfish. But he had put all his hopes into her. Hopes to have a 'normal life'. Without pretending to love her. Without their relationship being frowned upon.
Everything else they could just keep between themselves. That was private and nobody needed to know.

But Freya died.

And so he was left with his one sided attraction for stupidly sweaty men in armor and with swords in hand.
Ironically he found – crushing on the prince was easiest for him. In a way . It felt safe. Not because he was by his side all the time and saw him naked more often than himself – but because he knew this could never be. For various reasons.
Sure – it made him sad to only be close to him but never close enough.
As it always did in such situations.
With Arthur, however, he could pretend it wasn't his gender that drove them apart. It wasn't Merlin's considered weirdness that contradicted how normal Arthur was.
Like it would be with everyone else.
No.

With Arthur – Merlin could blame the STATUS. Arthur was a prince. Merlin was a commoner. A servant. Even IF they wanted to. They couldn't be.
And that thought was calming in a strange way. That's what made it safe to daydream about.
What made it easy to not show how he truly felt.

Merlin could pretend like it was okay. Like it was some kind of tragic love story in some strange book some strange idiot was writing for fun.
They could never be together – Merlin could never let himself love him – because Arthur was the fucking prince of Camelot.
And that's what made loving him so easy. Strange, right?

The kingdom that resented both sorcerers and homosexuality, which Merlin was the living personification of. Awesome.

But also – that weirdo dragon from beneath the Castle had told him they were two sides of the same coin. So Merlin liked to think he was exactly where he was supposed to be.
AND – he thought with satisfaction – where he always wanted to be.

Nobody knew any of his secrets. In Camelot he could live a normal life. Any yeah – he didn't have any experiences with relationships – other than the occasional fling with one of the few people in the lower town (which can hardly be considered relationships) that shared his orientation. And did as much in their power not to be found out as Merlin did. But he wasn't hated here.
Ironically enough.

He was in much MUCH danger. But he could handle it. After all – his orientation was his own – it was private and nobody, not even him had a say in it.
It's not like he had chosen to be like this. Like any person would chose to be something that would light the pyre for you.

Okay – maybe that was more the magic part. Even Uther didn't condemn gay people to die on the pyre. If he did that – then the death rate in this country would rise even more.
That wasn't a risk the king could take. He would probably deal with them, when he was sure magic was gotten rid of.
Which would probably take longer than Uther's reign. At least that's how it made sense to Merlin.

And maybe – hopefully – things would change when the crown found it's right place on Arthur's head. Arthur was a better man than his father. Merlin hoped that Arthur would be more accepting of him.

Merlin's kind of peaceful life – with only the occasional almost death situations would soon have an end though.
Because in Cendred's kingdom a long fought war had been ended. And some outstanding fighters among the commoners had been promoted to become royalty.
One of them was Tim's dad.

Tim – the bloke who Merlin once had a crush on. Whom he had kissed when they were younger and who had punched him so hard, Merlin was glad he could only remember half of it, because of the head injury he received from that.
And that bloke – along with his father – were send to Camelot. With other nobles of Essetir for a peace treaty.

The moment Merlin – who had helped prepare the chambers for them – spotted the man in the crowd – he bolted from Arthur's side.
'NO fucking hell am I going to deal with this.', Merlin shouted at himself in his mind and -

"Where the hell are you going, Merlin? We have to greet the nobles.", Arthur smiled gently at the servant whom he had soon proclaimed his friend. Well – secretly. He barely admitted it to himself. But once in a full moon – he kinda did.

Tim didn't hesitate to make Merlin feel uncomfortable. "Merlin?", he asked as soon as he noticed him– a slightly disturbed look on his face. He approached Merlin, like he didn't even see the prince.

"You know him?", Arthur whispered in surprise.
Merlin shrunk in his position where Arthur was holding him back from escaping. Yeah no – this wasn't exactly how he had planned to come out to Arthur.
To be honest – he had never planned to come out at all. To anyone. Ever. (Except the flings at the tavern... but that doesn't count.)

"Kinda.", Merlin replied in just as much of a whisper.

Time looked a bit shocked. "Are you the prince?", the bloke suddenly realized. He had brown shaggy hair, just as brown eyes. But he had a similar physic to Arthur. If not quite as buff. He was a bit more lanky in his frame. Maybe even taller. Then again, Merlin was taller than Arthur too. It wasn't THAT hard, really.
Admittedly, Merlin kind of had a type though.

"I wouldn't touch that, if I were you.", Tim said with another depreciating look in his eyes. He pointed at Merlin. Like he was the 'that' that Tim was talking about. Arthur barely had a hand on Merlin's shoulder, ordering him to stand straight (ha!) and polite.

Arthur frowned. "Is there something wrong with my servant?"
'That is literally the worst question you could have asked in any situation.', Merlin hid his face behind his hands. This couldn't end well. He knew what was coming. He knew Tim, after all. There was a reason why Merlin felt like a freak for most of his life.
This guy was the reason.

Tim rose both his eyebrows to look between them.
"Oh wow. So you really don't know.", the man almost grinned. Merlin felt the eyes of the surrounding people on him. Though he knew they weren't even paying attention to them. They were all too busy to tend to their horses and stuff.
Arthur blinked. "Don't know what?"

Merlin tried to intervene. "Nothing. There is NOTHING.", he lied. God how he hated it to lie. Tim just laughed disbelievingly.
"Oh really then. So he knows you're a faggot.", he sarcastically snorted. Okay that stung.

There was no mistaking that Arthur had heard it. The prince let go of Merlin's arm. But it was too late anyway. Merlin couldn't speak. He couldn't run. He was rooted to the ground. He should have hexed that dude into a toad when they were children, he thought regrettably.

There was another beat of silence, before Arthur responded.
"What makes you say that?"
Alright, it was official now. He was utterly and completely fucked (not in a pleasant way).

"Don't listen to him, Sire. He's making things up.", Merlin said sternly, never wavering in his position.
"Oh, am I now?", the freshly announced royal shook his head.
"Yes."

"You are disgusting. And the fact that you're so close to the prince -", he actually spit at Merlin.
In his face.
You know – the thing is – this isn't the first time Merlin had experienced such behavior. Some royals were really sensitive about their royalty. They treated servants like Merlin like trash and pretended that's what they were. Just to feel the superiority their status came with.

But normally royals were smart enough to do these things in private.
Not in front of the god damn crown prince himself. Tim must have gathered much confidence in his new status, if he thought he could just do what he wanted with him. Not that it was much different from their childhood, really. The man had always loved to provoke. And to make Merlin hate himself.
And while a part of him was growing more and more worried. Another part of him was hoping desperately – that he could still fix this. Somehow.
Make Arthur forget or something.

Merlin – who had been holding himself back from reacting poorly, never saw the punch coming. Tim never even finished talking.
Merlin only saw Tim flying backwards and landing in the dirt. The commotion finally getting some attention. Merlin had never seen the prince so enraged.
Scratch that. Of course he had. But never FOR Merlin. (Not that he knew of anyway.) What for anyway?
The insult – Merlin was pretty sure the word faggot was only an insult, if you treated it as such. As it was with most things. Like 'fat' or 'gay' or 'bitch' or... actually those were the only one's his mind could currently come up with.

Merlin had learned long ago not to react to such provocations, because there was nothing wrong with him. He had decided to work on the way he saw the word in itself. That made it easier for HIM. And that was the whole point. HE shouldn't be afraid of who he was. And seeing the word as an insult, was like he was admitting they were right about it.
It was also easier than to convince a bunch of homophobes to never use it again.

Or did Arthur punch Tim, because he had called Merlin disgusting? Or spit at him.
Maybe Arthur didn't believe what Tim was saying for obvious reasons. And DID see it as an insult and was trying to protect him from 'wrong accusations.' Which would kind of make things even worse.
At this point in their strange relationship – Merlin really couldn't deal with that.

Merlin was a bit frozen in shock, as was Tim who stared at Arthur like he had just punched him in the face. Which he had.

Arthur was still standing there with his fist up, knowing fully well his father was watching him in mild shock and an upcoming lecture.
"If you're disrespecting my servant, you are insulting ME. Do you understand!", Arthur said lowly with a warning in his voice. To make it clear to EVERYONE what this was about.
Merlin felt strangely sick at the sight. But also relieved and grateful. A bit. Tim deserved this. Maybe not for his words today. (Because, Merlin reminded himself, they were not insults. Not really.) But definitely for the way he had treated Merlin since forever.
Some things just pile up, you know?

Tim stared up at the prince. And from him to Merlin. "He won't protect your secrets forever, you know.", he growled in a warning, but he didn't sound like he cared about Merlin's safety. All he did care for was that Merlin got punished for this.

"Meet me in my chambers, in 10.", Arthur whispered in Merlin's ear. Which – as usual – gave him chills. Today more so than ever.
"Arthur – I -"
"We'll talk about this later. I have to deal with this first."
They exchanged a few glances and Merlin tried to find hints to what this would mean. Until he nodded and bowed and left to Arthur's chambers. Did Arthur believe Tim? Was he going to lecture him on having a complex relationship with a newly royal? Honestly, Merlin couldn't really tell from his expression.

Arthur wanted a conversation. He wanted a private one. Arthur's chambers were probably the safest space in the entire Castle.
And yet – Merlin couldn't help but feel – unsafe. Somehow. He had this vague feeling that Arthur believed what Tim said. And that he was definitely going to interrogate him.
Merlin hated lying to Arthur. And though he tried calming himself down – he also knew that his inner panic was growing with each step. And his focus would soon be clouded by one thought and one thought only.
'How do I lie to him?' And because he's already lied enough his mind helpfully added: 'How do I NOT lie to him?'

As he walked through the halls – his mind was still blank- he began to run. And then sprint, as the reality of the situation finally hit him.
He would tell Arthur everything. He must.
Tim wasn't the kind of person who would keep Merlin's secrets for him. And Merlin desperately wanted Arthur to hear it from Merlin himself. Rather than some random bloke Merlin once misjudged as a decent person.

His blood began to boil with adrenaline. His mind shutting out completely and yet – at the same time – it ran far far ahead of him.
Trying to reach a mindset where he didn't have to fear the pyre or the hatred of the people he loved.
He almost ran into a few servants on his way to Arthur's chambers.
Some of them asking for him. Wondering what he was up to. But this wasn't his first panic run. And Merlin knew the Castle in and out.
He knew secret passage ways even the servants had no clue about.

And so he disappeared behind some random portrait and ended up at his destination far sooner than he had expected. Two minutes max.
He closed the giant wooden door behind him shut. But he didn't even try to catch his breath. He was heaving incredibly fast, and had the strange urge to hit his head against the next wall.
Instead he slit down the same wall and sat down on the cold hard floor.

This was it. This was the day he would get fired. In more senses than one.

He sat there – willing the time to stop, but it went by faster instead. Arthur was gone for twenty minutes at least, as he finally opened the door and slammed it shut behind him. Not before yelling to the guards: "I do not wish to be disturbed."
Arthur looked strangely distressed. Like he sometimes did after a heated argument with the king. So the conversation had been bad enough that Arthur had to pull on his own hair afterwards. Awesome. So Arthur too, must be in a great mood right now.
Arthur took a deep breath and looked around his chambers, searching for something.
Or rather someone.

Merlin didn't need to speak up. Arthur found him in the last corner, hidden behind a cupboard. But not completely out of sight.
Usually, Arthur would have ordered him to stand up and talk to him. But not this time.
The man seemed to have noticed Merlin's current situation. As it was evident in his eyes and the color of his skin which was significantly paler than usual. It was Merlin's behavior that told Arthur that there must be some truth to the bloke's accusations. Ironically enough.

Arthur sat down in front of Merlin, legs crossed.
"Fuck, the ground is cold.", he muttered and Merlin couldn't help but laugh a little at that.
That made Arthur's expression twitch a smile as well.

"Merlin.", Arthur began, but it didn't seem like he knew what he was going to say.
"Is it true what he said?"
Merlin looked up, his expression folding into something unreadable. He couldn't say it. Twenty minutes were hardly enough to gather your thoughts. To find the words you never planned to say. Not between all the panic and overwhelming desire to just not think at all. Or even come to the conclusion that you needed to be honest now.
He had to be – sooner or later.
Why, just why couldn't Arthur just ask if he was okay and then leave things be?

Maybe if Merlin didn't think – he didn't have to deal with the consequences. For a few minutes, you could just be oblivious to everything.

"Merlin. It's okay. The noble will have to stay – according to my dad's orders. But I think he kind of got the point not to mess with you anymore.
You'll be fine. But please stay away from him anyway, alright? I don't want him to mess up your reputation or whatever."
Arthur looked so kind. He WAS so kind. Merlin hated how that managed to calm him a little.

'Isn't it kinda fucked up that stating I'm gay ruins my reputation? It's not WRONG to be gay. But how would Arthur know that.' Or was Arthur thinking that that's just how Merlin felt about it?
Honestly, Merlin didn't know. He tried to understand Arthur's thoughts and reasons and only ever wanted to expect the best of him.

Merlin took a deep breath. It was now or never. He preferred never, but now was the right choice, he thought bitterly. Maybe it was the only choice he had left before there would be no choice at all.
"I do – have some secrets.", Merlin closed his eyes. Arthur wasn't pressing. He let his head fall a bit and let it bounce a bit as though he had feared as much.

"Yeah, I guess I figured.", he said. Though Merlin still wondered why. Tim wasn't exactly someone Arthur would trust easily. Especially after he just punched him in the face. Ah yes... good memories. 'Focus on that, Merlin. That's your new happy place now.', he thought bitterly.
Tim had just been messing with him. Surely Arthur didn't believe a word he said? At least not yet? Did he want Arthur to not believe it?

Merlin bit his lip.

"And that is okay. Everyone has secrets. Or things they don't like to talk about. And you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to.", Arthur assured him right here and now.
"But Merlin, whatever this is, it is stressing you out. You should talk about it with SOMEONE. It doesn't have to be me though.", Arthur was patting his own legs, unsure what he was trying to say.
Arthur's expression said: 'please confide in me. Trust me. I'll protect you, no matter what.'
But his eyes were also insecure. Unsure if he was the right person to be trusted with Merlin's secrets. He was making it harder and harder for Merlin to stay quiet.

'So it's my own reaction that gave it away. Great, Merlin. Awesome. Wonderful job.', Merlin closed his eyes.

"I trust you, Arthur.", Merlin said slowly. And god did he hate how quiet his voice had gotten.
It was true though. He trusted no one more than Arthur.
"But this isn't something that gets resolved by trusting someone. This isn't about trust. This is about feeling comfortable with yourself and others. And I don't think I have a choice anymore but to tell you.", he sat up slightly, looking anywhere but Arthur's face.
"If I don't. Then Tim will. He already has."

Arthur frowned slightly. "I won't believe a word he said unless I heard it from you.", Arthur said.

Merlin closed his eyes.
"First of all -", Merlin began, inhaling deeply. Irritatingly, he felt like Arthur was giving him a wonderful choice to back out. 'I won't believe it until you confirm it', had something so wonderful about it. So calming.
At the same time it let Merlin know that Arthur deserved the truth.

"You have to promise me not to report me to your father."
Arthur blinked. "What did you do that I would have to?"
"Please, Arthur. I swear. Everything I've ever done was trying to protect you."
Seriously, Merlin wasn't sure why he decided to make two confessions at the same time. Then again – if he didn't tell Arthur now – then it was pretty clear he would only ever know one half of the truth. Because after one of these confessions – Merlin would be kicked out. And he'd rather leave with an empty conscience.
Also... if he didn't tell him about his magic now.... that was another secret Tim knew far too much about.

Arthur contemplated for merely a second, before he nodded. "Okay. I promise.", he said certainly. Merlin held his breath. This was it. He looked up into Arthur's blue, blue eyes.
" I'm gay. And I'm a warlock."

Arthur's mouth opened intelligently, before it dropped closed again. "You're WHAT?", he asked confused.
Merlin felt tears sting in his eyes. The world could be so cruel sometimes. So now he finally broke. Great.

"I was born with magic, Sire. I never – I never LEARNED to do it. I -"

"Yeah no, that's okay. I knew that already.", Arthur pinched his nose, causing Merlin to blink a couple of times.
"What?", Merlin gave another intelligent reply. "What do you mean – you KNEW?"

Arthur gave him a look. "You really think I don't see you using magic in battles all the time? Branches don't just fall from trees, Merlin.", he rolled his eyes.
"I'm looking out for you in every fight. You really think I wouldn't have noticed? Even LEON knows. And that's saying something."

"But -", Merlin began. 'I'm looking out for you in every fight.', Merlin's heart clenched painfully pleasantly.
"No buts, Merlin. All the knights know about your magic. And they have sworn secrecy to me. We all know you're a good man. So can we please go back to the real topic? You like MEN?"

Merlin blinked. Relief and surprise and confusion mixing into something else. Something he didn't have a name for.
"That's not seriously the part that's freaking you out, is it.", Merlin said dumbly.

"I'm not freaking out. I am surprised!", Arthur gave back and chuckled a little. "I never thought you cared about anyone at all." Arthur closed his eyes, as though he just realized how insensitive his sentence had sounded. "Like that – I mean. I thought you didn't care about – THAT. At all."

Merlin almost laughed. As though he wasn't still waiting for a proper grossed out reaction.
It never came though.
Merlin shrugged. He felt strangely – warm. Welcome somehow. Arthur hadn't spat at him yet. So that was a relief. And he took the magic part very well.
Too well – Merlin strangely thought.

"I do. In fact. I just – it's kinda hard to find someone who cares about people the way that I do.", he gave Arthur a lopsided grin. Trying not to show how incredibly difficult it was for him not to show how nervous Arthur made him. Apart from all the secrecy.
How well he reacted just added to that stress. The stress of hope – oh god.

Arthur nodded, thinking. "So you've never -", he asked, pointing at Merlin with a wide gesture. Merlin grinned a bit. "Oh, no. I have. Never lasted long though."
Arthur blinked, embarrassed. "Have you ever even had a girlfriend? How do you know you -.", Arthur stopped himself from asking further questions. "Sorry. That wasn't a good question."

Merlin sighed. "You're already reacting a lot better than anyone else I've ever came out to. It's fine. And I did have a girlfriend before. And I did love her. Just not -", it was kinda hard to talk like this to Arthur. "in a physical sense.", he finished the sentence.
Arthur blinked, blushing slightly at the implication.
"Really?", he asked albeit a bit confused. Merlin nodded, lips pressed into a firm line.
"I felt it, so yeah.", he shrugged.
Arthur shook his head. "Not that part. I mean –did the others really react that badly to you coming out?"

Merlin chuckled and fiddle with his thumbs between his knees. "Apart from the one night stands you mean?"
Arthur's eyes widened. But nodded slowly.
"Well. Most people reacted like Tim. Though I suppose he kind of had the right to, once. I kissed him against his will once. That was years ago though."

There was silence between them again. But not uncomfortable silence. Okay, maybe a little uncomfortable. Maybe VERY uncomfortable.
"Yeah well. I suppose the other guys had reasons too.", Merlin took another deep breath.
Arthur hadn't panicked yet. That was a good sign, right?

"I'm sorry. You've had one night stands?", Arthur awoke from his trance.
Merlin blinked throwing both hands up in utter irritation. "Seriously, Arthur. Are you doing this on purpose?", Arthur kept missing the point. It was making Merlin nauseous.

"Do what?"

Merlin shook his head and Arthur seemed to see this as a sign not to ask any further.
"Okay. Then tell me again, please. Why would kissing someone warrant that they can just spit on you in public?"

Merlin didn't move, only his eyes did, as they fixed Arthur where he sat. Arthur looked strangely innocent, the way he sat there curiously, his eyes wide. Like he had never heard stories of bullying before.
Maybe he hadn't. He was the crown prince for god's sake. The one person who bullied him – who could bully him – was the king.
Okay – truth be told – Uther did that frequently.

"Should I show you?", Merlin grinned playfully. Honestly, what did he have to loose? He was already baring his entire soul to Arthur anyway. Arthur blinked. "Show me how?"
Merlin's grin widened even further. Yeah, Arthur truly was innocent. Maybe this would get him to be properly disgusted.
Merlin leaned forward. Close enough that Arthur's and his nose almost touched, but Arthur didn't back away.
Though he did look like someone who was just realizing they were in danger.
And yet – he held Merlin's gaze like he was strangely excited about it all.

Why Merlin did this? The lack of punching in his guts made him careless. He wanted – no needed- to provoke Arthur. He needed a real reaction to finally ease his mind. If this didn't gross Arthur out – then – what would?

Still – Merlin hadn't really planned to go further than this. He had thought Arthur would just back off and shake his head or something. Or laugh. At the very least laugh. If not reacting poorly.
Or – well he hadn't exactly had much time to think about any of this.
His mind was still trying to wrap itself around the fact that Arthur knew about his magic. And was apparently fine with it. And that he wasn't freaking out about Merlin in general – that was even – Merlin didn't know how to describe it. It was freaking him out. Arthur shouldn't be calm right now. Merlin shouldn't feel safe anymore! But he actually was. And it was infuriating.

Arthur's eyes snapped down to Merlin's lips, as though he had just realized what Merlin was trying to imply. His own mouth formed an 'o', as he did. Merlin was still frozen somehow, waiting for another reaction. Another sign.
Arthur's eyes shot back to Merlin's and he grinned.
"What are you waiting for?", he asked. A part of him sounded playful. But also like he was trying to be playful to cover the fact that he was kind of panicking as well.

Merlin scanned Arthur's face. His complexion, the intention behind his eyes. There was a challenge there, he thought. Finally some reaction. But Merlin wasn't sure if he could deal with this one.
So – with all the courage, Merlin could muster. He tilted his head slightly and closed the distance between him and Arthur. Slowly. Arthur would have more than enough time to back away.
Still Merlin hoped – hoped deeply that Arthur wouldn't push him away.

Never – ever – had Merlin thought he would ever get to kiss his prince. But here they were. Lips moving together slowly – testily. Searching. Asking.
But Arthur wasn't the one to break away. It was Merlin. Simply because Arthur was frozen in place and staring at him with wide blue eyes. He looked like a deer in headlights. Sorry – wrong time.
"You look like a startled stoat.", Merlin grinned nervously, using the same insult Arthur usually used to describe Merlin.

Merlin leaned back – still waiting for a reaction. But Arthur wasn't moving at all anymore.
Merlin sighed and crossed his arms in defense. "So do you understand why they freak out now?", Merlin finally said. He wondered how long it would take for Arthur to punch him. Or was Arthur still insisting that he didn't have to react at all?
Arthur finally blinked back to reality.
He looked dazed. Positively so.
He licked his lips, Merlin realized with a start. 'You're giving me wrong signs, Arthur.', Merlin thought alarmed.

"Yeah.", Arthur said absentmindedly. Merlin pressed his lips together. The feel of Arthur's lips still tingling on them.
"I mean no.", Arthur shook his head, finally understanding the question.
"He has no right to hurt you over that.", he said sternly and finally locked eyes with Merlin again.
"Nobody does."

Merlin blinked again. "You're not disgusted?"
Arthur stared at Merlin like he had asked him if he liked rat for dinner.
"Of course not.", he said like it was the easiest thing in the world. Merlin felt his stomach make a slight flip. Merlin was getting his hopes up. Which... might not be a good sign. Or a fucking amazing sign.

"Really?", Merlin asked again. Not trusting his own ears.
"Really!", Arthur reassured him easily.
There was another pause between them. "So, Merlin. Everything alright now?", Arthur kindly asked again, but his eyes were darting towards Merlin's lips again – like he was waiting for something. Or thinking about something.
Merlin didn't dare make another move.

"Yeah.", Merlin said honestly. "Thank you."
Arthur shook his head. "There is no need to thank me. You should never have been afraid in the first place."
"Still.", Merlin said and finally stood up a bit to embrace Arthur in a weird hug. It was a bit difficult to hug someone who was sitting on the ground, when you yourself were on your knees. It wasn't impossible. But it was also difficult to find the right angle without hurting your spine in a way that made it hard to breathe.
"Thank you.", he whispered into Arthur's neck and felt the prince stiffen at the warm breath in his neck.

"Any time.", Arthur said weakly and awkwardly patted Merlin's back as a sign that he could let go now.
Merlin did so with a beaming smile.
"If I hadn't done so earlier, I could kiss you right now.", Merlin laughed heartily, not caring anymore what he was saying.
Clearly Arthur was okay with everything he did.
Arthur's eyes widened again, and Merlin liked to imagine him saying: 'why aren't you?'
But the answer to that was obvious, wasn't it?
Status. It had always been status. Not to mention that -okay-with-kissing-Merlin-Arthur- was more a fragment of Merlin's hopes. A mere fragment of his imagination rather than the real Arthur who sat in front of him.
It was hard to distinguish between them though. Merlin probably just saw what he wanted to see.

"Yeah – well.", Arthur's voice cracked slightly. "I believe Gaius is waiting for you. Something about herbs or something."
Merlin grinned and stood up. He could honest to god cry right now.
Arthur knew now. And he was okay with it! With all of it!
The realization slowly came to him. If he had known this, he would have told him sooner.

He skipped towards the door, but before he left, he turned around to Arthur again – who was still sitting on the floor, watching Merlin leave from his position.
"But – erm. Arthur. I think there are some things about my magic I should inform you about. There are – prophecies and such. I just thought – maybe I could show you later? I mean talk to you about it? If you don't mind.", he said hastily. But Arthur's face was strangely blank.
"Yeah sure.", he said kindly, looking directly into his eyes. Like they were the first thing he looked for when he searched for Merlin.

"Thank you, Sire.", Merlin bowed politely. Like a true servant should and then he walked out the door.
He didn't see that Arthur wouldn't stand up from his position for at least an hour. The first half staring at the door, like he was expecting Merlin to return any second.
The other half he was staring at the wall. Where Merlin had been sitting what felt like minutes or hours ago. He didn't move.
But occasionally, he would put his hand to his mouth as though he was still processing what had just happened.

-----------------------

Merlin was bouncing in his steps, as he retreated to find Gaius. To tell him of the good news of course. And to rub in his face that Merlin never needed to be afraid of Arthur. Like Gaius had taught him to feel.

And then his mind replayed what had just happened. He had kissed Arthur.
He felt giddy, from just the knowledge. The memory. His magic was buzzing happily in his mind, as though it had ever held back before now.
It was lashing out a bit, but nobody looked at the decorative plants that began growing slightly, when Merlin passed by.
It couldn't have gone any better.
This was so much more than Merlin had ever dared hope. Because, quite frankly, he had refused to hope at all.

He passed by Gwen, who had also seen the whole thing downstairs and had apparently been looking for him to check if he was alright, but the bright smile on his face immediately eased her worries.
"I see it went well then?", she asked him kindly, in the typical Gwen fashion.
So the rumor that Merlin had a talk with Arthur had already spread. Well... it wasn't every day that a prince punched a noble on behalf of a servant.

"Better than well.", Merlin admitted and spun her around. Gwen snorted at his reaction.
"Arthur is the best, really.", he said and yeah, that was rare. He admitted sometimes how loyal and good Arthur was, but what happened earlier was just too good to be true.
Alright, maybe he should be a bit angry that Arthur had never assured him that he was safe here, even though he was a magic user.
But heck if Merlin cared right now. He was being accepted as he was. Just the way he was. And Arthur had agreed to listen even more to him. It was perfect.

He let Gwen go soon enough, before either of them would feel dizzy from the spinning.
And sooner rather than later, he skipped into the court physician's chamber. Only to be treated with another beautiful sight.
The bloody nose of the new royal – Tim. This day was truly getting better and better.

"What the hell are YOU doing here?", Tim asked exasperated and slid a bit away from Merlin's bright mood.

"I live here.", Merlin said simply. "Where is Gaius?" He looked around. No one to be seen.
"How would I know? He said he would be coming back soon."
Merlin blinked. "Ah.", he said and stepped closer to the patient, who just backed away even more.

It was actually kind of funny how someone like Merlin got this kind of reaction from what Cendred called a knight.
"Take your hands off that.", Merlin said and ignored the flinch of the other man. Obviously he wasn't as stupid as Merlin thought, or else he would have punched Merlin as well now.
But then he would have the prince of Camelot strangle him, and he really couldn't have that.

"Get the hell away from me!", Tim said, and flicked Merlin's hand from him.
Merlin was already used to deal with people like him. "I am the court physician's apprentice. I know what I'm doing. Now keep still and let me examine your nose."
Normally, Merlin would have just ignored him. But he was in a good mood right now.

Tim's eyes widened, but he only frowned before he listened to Merlin's orders. Merlin turned Tim's head to the right, then to the left, the frown never leaving his patients face.
"You're lucky. It's not broken. It's a bit swollen, but Gaius has herbs for that. The bleeding should stop soon too."
He turned around again, searching through Gaius's stuff to find all the tools he needed to stop the bleeding.
Then he began mixing some stuff together, carefully weighing down what and how much of what he needed.

It didn't take long, as Gaius always had fresh herbs stored in his chambers. Merlin would know – he collected them for him.
"Here.", he finally said and held out a potion. "This should help against the headache too."

Tim blinked. His face was still covered in dried blood, as he carefully took the remedy Merlin so easily mixed for him.
He stared at the potion, but didn't drink it.

"Are they enchanted?", Tim asked, but that only made Merlin laugh.
"Magic is forbidden in Camelot. I don't use it here.", he lied easily.
"I don't believe that for a second.", Tim retorted easily.
"Fair enough. Still. Why would I enchant your potions? To make you heal faster? Sorry, but I kind of like to see you suffer."

"You could have poisoned it.", Tim gave back suspiciously. But blinked at Merlin's words in confusion.
"Yeah. And let either Gaius or myself get in trouble for starting a war with Cendred. No thank you.", Merlin was smiling as he sat down on the nearest chair.

That seemed to do the trick. Hesitantly, Tim took the potions and downed them at once.
"So then.", the knight said, a bit disappointed that the potions didn't work immediately.
"I suppose you just successfully lied to your prince.", he pointed at Merlin's happy face.

"Actually no.", Merlin grinned even brighter. "In fact. I told him everything."
'Almost everything. There are quite a lot of things that still need to be said.'

Now he looked confused. "Even about your magic?"
Merlin smiled gently. "Even about that."

Tim looked mad. Angry. "The prince is acting against the law! You should be hanged for this!", he growled and finally Merlin's smile damped a bit.

"If you truly want me dead, Tim. You have a sword. Don't be a hypocrite. Do it yourself."
That seemed to shake Tim a bit more awake. "That would be murder. And that is unjust! I have a sense of honor you know!"

"Still pretending, like you never tried before? Could have fooled me. Did you know that half of the snakes you provoked to bite me when we were younger, were actually poisonous? To not start with the 'rituals'.", he gave back. Tim startled.
"Or that cutting someone's wrists open may cause them to bleed to death?
Or that I couldn't swim, when you threw me in the lake? Yeah. You're right.
Letting Uther kill me for something I was born with. Very honorable indeed.
The law is unjust, Tim. What difference does it make if you killed me now?"

Tim was quiet after that. Albeit still angry and furious. But also confused.

Merlin stood up, sighing.

"Well, you started it.", came another reply from Tim. Merlin almost laughed.
"How?"
"You kissed me.", he crossed his arms.
Merlin's mouth opened slightly. Then he shook his head. "You know what. You're right. I too, regret that to this day. One of the worst things I've ever done, really."

"The worst.", Tim agreed.
Merlin was unimpressed. "No.", he shook his head. "Top ten, probably. But not the worst.", he said and then sighed, before he left for his chamber.
"What could be worse than that!", Tim challenged him, but Merlin wouldn't rise to the bait. Not this time.

"You can leave now. I'll update Gaius on your situation, once he comes back."

-----------------------------

Arthur was – confused.
Very – very confused. Merely three hours ago – he hadn't even considered that he could just – kiss men. And yes, he had been sitting here on the ground in his chamber ever since. Not that he had never heard of it. He had just never bothered to question if it applied to himself too.

Thoughts had been rattling his mind, rendering him speechless for hours.
Merlin had kissed him. Arthur had dared him to. And it didn't feel – bad.
It felt different from kissing Gwen all those months ago. But he didn't like it any less.
'I fucking liked it.', Arthur had to admit to himself. And he wasn't the type to question his emotions like this.

He had heard mentions in muffled conversations about random nobles with random consorts on and on. Still it was more of a taboo subject in this kingdom. People just – didn't talk about it. And for the first time in his life, Arthur wondered why.

It didn't feel wrong to be kissed by a guy. At least – not to him. And he's only ever liked girls before. Unless?
Suddenly a few heads came to mind. A few faces. Some of them long dead. Others married of to some other rich noble woman.
Arthur stared at the wall. He hadn't really thought about these things before.
Now it all came crashing down.

He shook his head. He still liked Gwen though, right?
He used to. But – another part of him whispered to him: 'but Merlin is very close to you.'
He blinked again. No. No no no.
It was just the kiss that confused him a bit.
Gwen was kind. She was strong. She had this adorable look in her eyes when she called him out on his bullshit.
She was honest, she – He didn't even like her anymore. And he knew that feeling was mutual.

Why was he comparing his feelings for her to Merlin? Merlin was kind too. Merlin was strong, clearly he must be stronger than Arthur knew, because of the magic. If he could withstand the corruption of magic like he had for all these years, clearly he must be. Since when had he practiced magic anyway?
He too had that wicked grin when he corrected Arthur.
Maybe Merlin was not as honest. But – no. He kind of was. He had just confessed to Arthur, hadn't he?

Gwen was generous and loyal.
Merlin was – loyal. Definitely. Also generous.
Both were servants.
Gwen was handy with swords though – being a blacksmith's daughter and all. Merlin was – not. But he was brave. He had faced every foe at Arthur's side. Even though each time could have been his last. Gwen was brave too... but she was more intimidated by royalty.
Merlin had even endured all Arthur's doubts and accusations against magic, without wavering for even a second.

Why on earth was he comparing them? He didn't even like Gwen anymore.
But.... maybe he liked Merlin now?
Arthur's stomach dropped a bit. He spend almost every second with Merlin. In his room, when he bathed when he fought, when he was at the council. When he wrote speeches, when he dressed, everything.

Merlin – Merlin was always there. A constant presence at his side.

He shook his head. If he liked Merlin, that could be a problem. Especially since Merlin probably didn't like him back. Or did he? There was the potential... but just because Merlin liked men didn't mean he liked ARTHUR, did it?
'Urgh -', Arthur already used to have trouble imagining how to get together with Gwen, despite his father's rules against nobles marrying servants.
Merlin was the same. But he was a man as well. THAT! - Arthur knew. It made things even more difficult.
Could he decide not to like Merlin?
His heart responded with a clench. So no then.
'Shit.', he thought. He should never have let Merlin kiss him.
Another part of him just regretted that he didn't get to kiss him back.

------------------------------------

Arthur was beginning to act strange, Merlin thought.
And this thought made him wonder, if maybe Arthur was a far better actor then he let on. Merlin turned up to his normal duties like usual.
He rose Arthur from his slumber, he brought him special breakfast (which was normal breakfast but with Arthur's favorite deserts as a gift at the side, he drew him a bath, he made his bed....
But Arthur wasn't talking to him.

The silence was awkward. Arthur didn't shout at Merlin, when Merlin used his catch phrase "Rise and shine". He didn't comment, when Merlin stole an apple from his plate and began munching at it.
He didn't even look at him, when Merlin drew the bath.
NO. He was STARING.

"Arthur?", Merlin finally asked, as Arthur stood in the room, unsure what to do, as Merlin added more and more buckets of water to the giant bath tub.
Arthur stood there, shifting from one foot to the other.

"Merlin.", Arthur nodded in response, but he was still fidgeting.
"Don't you want to get a bath?" Merlin blinked. Arthur gave him a sheepish smile.
"I think... maybe not... today?"
Merlin blinked again for good measure. "And you're telling me that now? Yesterday you insisted you wanted.... oh."
Merlin grew silent. "Is this because I -", he trailed of pointing at himself and referring to they conversation from the day before. His expression suddenly turned troubled.

"Are you uncomfortable with unchanging in front of me now?", Merlin added, as Arthur was blushing now. "I could – leave. If that makes you more comfortable."
Merlin was already half out the door, when Arthur stopped him.

"No. Wait.", he took a deep breath. Then he closed his eyes. Merlin stopped.
"You wanted to talk more about magic with me. Just... come over here and don't -", Arthur made a strange waving movement with his hand.
"Look?", Merlin finished for him unimpressed, but closed the door.

Arthur's blush intensified. "No I mean – don't – er.... Judge....... me.", he trailed of again at the end.

Merlin frowned. "What?", he asked confused.
Arthur bridged his nose with his hand.
Merlin sighed. "Sire, please. I know that this is difficult for you to understand. But just because I like men doesn't mean I will jump you as soon as I see your bare ankles or something. I've seen you before. This doesn't make things any different."

Arthur took a deep breath. Merlin got it wrong. It wasn't that Merlin may like him that troubled him. No.... it was more that Arthur had just realized that he actually had a small crush on the guy. And undressing in front of your crush can be..... unsettling.
Arthur was scared that Merlin may verbally judge his appearance – as he sometimes did. With his subtle hints at his weight and stuff.
Arthur was pretty sure he wasn't even Merlin's type. Not that he knew what Merlin's type was.
But that didn't mean he wanted to HEAR it.

"You know what, Merlin? Why don't YOU take a bath? I took one two days ago and we've only had guests to show around and no training. I don't need a bath. But you do."

"Are you saying I stink?", Merlin asked alarmed and actually sniffed on himself to check.
Arthur panicked. "No no. You smell wonderful."
He cringed. 'Oh god, I didn't just say that.' Merlin opened his mouth and closed it again.
"Thank you, Sire?", he asked. Not sure if Arthur was joking or being serious.

"Yeah but.... maybe you just need some time to relax? YOU could just take the bath and take the day off and-"

Arthur trailed of again. What the hell was he doing?

"Are you trying to get rid of me?", Merlin asked, even more alarmed. Arthur groaned inwardly.
He was TRYING to be NICE. Of course he wanted Merlin around. It was quite troubling, Arthur realized, how MUCH he wanted Merlin around.
Always. On hunting trips, where servants weren't supposed to be. At banquets, at speeches, even when he was writing them. Mundane tasks, complicated one's that were reserved for knights and knights only...
How had he never realized how he dragged Merlin literally everywhere he went? Half of the stuff wasn't even Merlin's job!

And Merlin was a court physician's apprentice as well! How on earth did he manage to do two jobs at once that both required maximum attention AND kept Arthur entertained and happy and -
Arthur took a deep breath.
How did he realize so late how much Merlin meant to him? Or was that just the kiss confusing him?
Arthur stared into thin air. No.
He had kissed Gwen before and he had never doubted he liked her. This felt similar. Very, very similar. Only that now of course, he didn't like Gwen anymore after she had chosen Lancelot.
'Who is admittedly also very handsome.', Arthur frowned at the thought.
'But I already like -' It was then that Arthur realized that Merlin was waiting for his answer.

"Of course not.", Arthur replied too hastily. "I'll stay here and – and er...", he spotted some long forgotten unnecessary reports that had months' of time left to be worked on.
"Can just work on these at the time?
AND then you tell me about the prophecies? You just don't have chores to do. I'll tell George to do them."

Merlin still stared at him. 'SAVED!', Arthur almost cheered on the inside.

"Okay?", Merlin did not sound convinced.
"Don't mind me then.", he shrugged. And then he took of his scarf.

Arthur froze. "What are you doing?", he asked. When had he ever seen Merlin without his scarf? Also he didn't like what he saw beneath that scarf. The skin underneath was rough and white. Like some time ago something had roughed up the skin rather harshly.

Merlin blinked once more. He did that a lot. Since when did he have such long eyelashes? Arthur felt his heart rate pick up. He's had a crush on Merlin for half a day and he was already fucking everything up.
Was it even okay for Arthur to have a crush on him after Merlin had kissed him? Was this normal? Did this happen? Do you just fall in love with people who kiss you for no particular reason?
Arthur shook his head. No. That kiss just set in motion what he had long denied himself to see.
A part of him kind of wanted that obliviousness back. The other part blamed him for not showing him this sooner.

"I'm taking the bath?", Merlin asked and pointed at the tub.
Arthur's jaw lost it's function and opened a small gap. Somehow Arthur hadn't calculated that he now had to watch Merlin undress. Which kind of made things even worse.

"Oh yeah. Yeah. Sure. Go ahead.", Arthur nodded, but was still frozen in place. While Merlin slowly put down his scarf on the next chair.
"You're kind of staring at me.", Merlin commented, as Arthur was unable to look away. Thankfully, now that Merlin said it, he finally could.

"Oh yeah, erm.", Arthur stumbled back to his desk and began picking up the reports his mind was currently unable to read. Decidedly NOT watching Merlin any further.

"Magic. Your magic. That's what we wanted to talk about."

Arthur could hear the shifting sounds of clothes being thrown to the floor. And the unmistakable sounds of feet sliding into water.
Merlin sighed at the relaxing heat the bath provided. Arthur tensed instead.

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead. What do you want to know?"

Arthur bit his lip. "When and why did you start using it? Is it difficult? Who taught you?"
Arthur pointedly didn't look at Merlin as he said it. And he thanked god that his father had taught him to keep his composure despite all his overflowing emotions, when he was younger and cried every time a sorcerer was hanged or burned. Now he focused on thinking about the questions he really really needed to ask.

Merlin laughed. Arthur's head snapped around. He almost sighed in relief, as he noticed he could hardly see anything anywhere below Merlin's collarbones, as the boy was currently buried under water.

Merlin shook his head. "Sorry. That's just a cute question.", he chuckled again. Arthur felt himself getting even more nervous now. "I'm not cute.", he mumbled to himself and ironically managed to destroy every doubt about it.

"I was born with magic, Arthur. I AM magic. It's nothing I could choose to have. I wasn't taught. Gaius was supposed to help me. But HE thought it made more sense to hide.
I managed to convince him to give me a spell book. So I'm kind of teaching myself to control it.
It's not THAT difficult, really. At least not to me."
Merlin shrugged.
Arthur gaped.
"Doesn't.... doesn't magic corrupt?", he asked. Merlin sat up, water rushing from his shoulders as he did so. Arthur inhaled deeply.
'Is that a burn on his chest?', he asked himself, but didn't dare ask out loud.

"You mean... you're protecting my secret despite thinking I would turn against you some day?", Merlin stared at him now. Arthur tried to keep eye contact, but lost after a pathetic thirty seconds.
"That's what the knights and I are trying to prevent.", he mumbled, as he looked away again.

Merlin kept staring, but then a fond smile appeared on his features.
"Don't worry, Arthur. I would never leave your side. I will never turn against you."

Arthur took another deep breath. "What if you had ....", he kind of failed to be comfortable with saying it. But decided to say it anyway and waved his hand around unnecessarily.
"... a boyfriend. And he was a sorcerer too and my father decided to burn him? What if my father would burn your best friend – what if -" Making up horrible scenarios that might make Merlin betray him. What a creative way to show that you trust someone.

He stopped, as he realized how amused Merlin looked.
"First of all, Arthur.... if you wanted me to hate YOU. It should be YOU who did the burning or murdering or whatever, right?"

"Right.", Arthur swallowed. "Then... then let's assume I would do that. Like there was no other way. I had no other choice but to kill someone you loved....
You'd want revenge right? I mean, surely you wouldn't know unless it really happened and -", Arthur noticed he was rambling a lot today. So much to worry about.
He tried to breathe a bit more normally. Merlin apparently didn't notice his struggles and laughed again instead.

"Been there, done that, Arthur.", he said as though it was the easiest thing in the world.
Arthur felt his own world shatter into tiny pieces. Since when had his heart been so fragile?
Arthur stood quiet, finally staring at Merlin. He didn't dare ask. This was too much for him.

So Arthur glanced him over.
Yep. That was definitely a burn. A very large one. A lesser man would have died, had he received such a wound.
And it wasn't the only scar apparent on pale skin. There were bite marks, definitely not human ones (why ever his brain was relieved about that one). Snake bites, so it seemed. Then there were marks of whipping on his back. Arthur could only see them in the reflection on the giant mirror behind Merlin.

There were long scars that looked like Merlin had cut open his own wrists. (It wasn't Merlin who did it. But it looked like it.)There were marks on them, definitely from handcuffs Arthur gulped. Two possible explanations running through his mind. He fancied neither of them.
He ignored his hammering heart and approached Merlin now. And okay, now it was impossible to conceal the staring or the curiosity, as Arthur grabbed for Merlin's arm.
Merlin's smile faded from playful to painful.

"Where did you get those?", Arthur asked, his own voice sounding strange to him. Protective and extremely unsettled. Arthur also noticed how lately he only noticed his emotions after he already expressed them. He felt strangely out of line with them.

Merlin bit his lip, a motion that did not go unnoticed by Arthur's suddenly hyper focusing brain.
"Which one?", Merlin asked, causing Arthur's heart to clench at the knowledge that yes, there were more.
"All of them.", Arthur said quietly.

Merlin coughed a laugh. "Ah, well. That would be a pretty long story."
"I'll get a chair then.", Arthur finally decided.
Merlin blinked. "You really want to know everything?"
Arthur smiled painfully. "The knights and I have sworn to protect you. I need to know where we failed.", he simply shrugged.

But what he really wanted to say was: 'I need to know this, because I love you, and I don't want this to happen ever again.' But it was far too soon to call this love.
It was far too soon to confess anything, since Arthur wasn't even sure what the ever lasting fuck was currently happening to himself.

And so – after Arthur had managed to get himself a decent chair – Merlin began with his tale.
It began in his childhood. With kids abusing him, almost murdering him in what they called 'fun' games. He almost drowned. They had played 'hang the sorcerer' with him and used a real rope. And left him hanging, until one of the children (Will apparently) cried and shouted for adults to help.
Merlin was bitten by snakes that he found in his bed. Vicious ones, not because snakes were vicious, but because there one's had been teased and tortured too and they just defended themselves against another kid who stepped into their territory.

The children had thrown stones at him. Called him names. Once they almost reported him to knights of Camelot who were passing through. Telling them about his magic. The knights had laughed and not believed a single word.
If it wasn't for that – then Merlin and Arthur would have met sooner. With Merlin at the pyre. One of the many children Arthur had seen burned alive.

And then Merlin's journey had let him to Camelot for real. And that's how he met Gaius and the great dragon. That's how he killed magical beasts and fought priestesses of the old religion. This is how he lost his only real girlfriend. That's how royals abused him. That's how enemies captured and tortured him.
And all of this....
For Arthur. Or because of him.

Magic didn't corrupt, Arthur saw it in Merlin's eyes. If anything would have – or should have corrupted him, it should have been the way he was treated.
"What about this one?", Arthur only half dared to ask, as he run his thumb over a small scar on Merlin's forehead.
Merlin laughed. "That was when you throw the goblet at me last week."
Arthur's hand flinched away, but Merlin continued laughing.

"This isn't funny, Merlin.", Arthur finally said in a serious, trembling voice. Merlin's laughter died down. "It's not so bad. I'm used to it. Besides, I am working for you and I to create the golden age. It's a future of peace and prosperity. That's what the prophecy says. It's worth suffering for."

Arthur shook his head immediately and instantly grabbed for Merlin's hands again. Then he looked into his blue eyes with an expression so stern, Merlin actually flinched back a bit.
"I don't want to build a future on anyone suffering for it, Merlin!
You can build the greatest castle of all times, to be seen for millennia, if you so must. But build it on slavery and that's all it'll will ever be. A monument of torture. Not one of peace and freedom.
I don't want you to suffer for me. I don't want you to die for me. Ever. Is that understood!", Arthur said, face now so close to Merlin, he momentarily lost his composure for a second.

Merlin must have noticed how close they were too. Arthur could see how, when Merlin realized this, when he recognized what Arthur just said, he lost himself for just as long as Arthur lost his composure.
And then, suddenly, wet hands were on Arthur's face again, as Merlin – once more – decided to kiss him.
Arthur yelped in surprise and slipped on the slightly wet floor. Backwards.
How he cursed this moment. Forever he would curse this moment, as it ripped him away from one of the best moments that could have ever come from this conversation.

Arthur lay there on the wooden floor, feeling the water sip into his tunics. His eyes were wide as they searched for Merlin. Who had his lips covered by his hands, eyes wide and already grabbing for a towel to get out of the tub.

Arthur stared at the ceiling. Did this just happen? Did Merlin really just kiss him and Arthur had ruined it? 'Maybe it's better this way.', his own conscience decided to inform him.
'He was probably just moved by your words. I don't want you to manipulate him into liking me.'
He closed his eyes. Why would that count as manipulating? Arthur REALLY hated everything that Merlin had to suffer through for him.
"Oh god, Arthur, are you okay?", Merlin had rushed over to Arthur's side, barely covered by a blanket now. He had immediately jumped to where Arthur still lay, vaguely opening his eyes. "'m fine.", Arthur huffed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I was caught up in the moment and I -"
'See?', his conscience told him. But Arthur could hear the disappointment in his own head.

"It's fine.", Arthur said and sighed a deep breath.
'What's not fine is that I slipped.' And then Arthur noticed that Merlin was practically on top of him, only covered by a towel. And Arthur decided then and there that he was definitely NOT fine.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From that day on, Arthur made sure to never ever let Merlin leave his side. He accompanied him to his trips to get herbs, if he had the time.
If he didn't, he send Lancelot or Gwaine with him.

That served multiple purposes. First of all, Merlin got to spend time with friends other than Arthur. Secondly, it put distance between the sorcerer and the king of Camelot. Who burned sorcerer's for fun in his free time.
Thirdly, Arthur got to spend even more time with the babbling idiot slash genius and magic prodigy.
Forth reason: it kept Merlin far away from his childhood abuser Tim.

And last but definitely not least: it was for Merlin's general safety. Not to mention that now, Merlin could inform Arthur if there were magical threats. Which was also a very positive side effect.

Arthur had never noticed how many magical threats there actually were around them.

It was the fourth day after the bathtub incident and Merlin had been very nervous around Arthur ever since. Probably because he had almost knocked Arthur out by kissing him.
Arthur felt like a coward. He should have stood up and snogged the hell out of his servant. But somehow that didn't feel right in such a vulnerable situation.
Not to mention, Arthur could say for sure now that Merlin had knocked him of his feet.
He felt lightheaded now. Hopeful. And he knew that was dangerous, since Merlin had acted out of an instinct reaction to kindness. Not because he fancied Arthur or anything.
Still. Hope was a very bothersome thing.

Well – anyway. Here they were now. On the hunting ground, with a couple of knights of both Camelot and Essetir. One of them, was of course – Tim.
Arthur was just glad that apparently the guy had learned his lesson and left Merlin alone. For the most part.
That didn't stop the constant irritated glances that the man shot both of them.

Merlin seemed strangely tense. But also happier than ever. Arthur was pretty sure the happy part was from being accepted as he was. Not that that was something special or anything.
But maybe for someone who had a hard time feeling accepted, it actually was.
When the bare minimum of tolerance made someone so happy – just how bad were the 'normal' reactions? Arthur wondered about this bitterly.
All in all, he hoped he himself didn't count as that deranged 'normal'.

The tense part was probably a mix of 'I accidentally kissed the prince' and 'fuck Tim is here.'
Arthur was sure, this made HIM tense at least.
The knights knew nothing of this. Arthur hadn't told them anything. It wasn't his place to say. And Merlin had briefly informed them about his magic. Or rather – that he knew that they knew.
And that there was no point in trying to 'cure' him or anything, since it was no sickness and he wasn't turning evil anyway.
This information would soon change their entire protection system.

It was late at night, after the hunting and bonding between strangers. They sat at a fire that Merlin had made. A fire that was fueled by wood that Merlin had collected.
And they were eating food that Merlin had cooked. And it was Merlin who was the last to get a portion. As usual.

And usually, Arthur and the knights would have made fun of him. Taken a plate hostage and pretended not to leave Merlin anything to eat. They would give it back, when it was still warm, of course.
However, the knights of Essetir were no such gentlemen.
At least Tim wasn't. He DID eat the stew. He did NOT complain about the taste, as there was nothing to complain about, really. (Actually he had complained loudly, but nobody had listened, except for a few Essetir knights who had smacked him on the head to be thankful it wasn't himself who cooked. Because his stew sucked and tasted like mud.)

But in the end, there was nothing left for Merlin to eat. Merlin grumbled under his breath but only sighed, as he realized there was nothing he could do.
Arthur felt his stomach clench. He had seen Merlin work really hard all day. Preparing a hunt for twelve men wasn't an easy task. Making food for all of them must have been exhausting, especially since they only had two or three bunnies he could use for a decent soup that he had to make of herbs he also needed to collect himself.

They would hunt more tomorrow. This was all they had for tonight. Tim grinned under his breath, as he saw Merlin closing his eyes, as he – instead of eating – began putting the tools away that he had used to make the food.
Arthur looked at his own plate. It was still his first one. He had watched Merlin so much, he had kind of forgotten to eat.
So he had just been playing with it.
"Merlin.", he called out and he knew that the knights must be expecting him to finally ask for a second plate, which Merlin really couldn't provide.
Merlin sighed and shook his head. "I'm afraid there is nothing left, Sire." Merlin expected this too then.

Arthur grabbed his plate harder. He felt like there were eyes on him. But he knew it was only Tim. As Arthur was never far from where Merlin sat and they talked all the time.
Tim must be expecting Arthur to have a fit now. His grin widened.
As a result, Arthur decided to make this gesture as sickeningly caring as possible.

"You haven't eaten, Merlin.", Arthur said instead and cringed inwardly at his own display of affection. He showed that he actually CARED if Merlin ate. Disgusting. Affection.... he merely noticed that something was unfair.

Merlin bit his lips and smiled.
"It's fine, Sire. I don't need much. I'll just eat some bread. Or some berries. I think I saw some over there.", Merlin said and pointed at a few bushes that Arthur knew didn't have any.
Mostly because it was autumn and most fruits were dying at this time of the year.

"I'm not hungry. You can have mine.", Arthur said hastily and held out his own plate. And true to his word – the plate was mostly untouched.
"It's cold, but I think you can deal with that, right?"
Merlin stared at him. Stepping closer to inspect if Arthur was joking. Tim gaped at Arthur. At the prince who just shared his only plate with his servant. Because his servant hadn't eaten.
A servant.
Who cared about a servant?

Decent people did.
Arthur thought this should be normal. Why was this guy so upset about it?
Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Are you sick, Sire?", he asked and put a cold hand on Arthur's forehead.
Arthur huffed a laugh. "No. Just not hungry."

"Then you should throw it away. You shouldn't share your plate with a servant, Sire.", Merlin was testing him, Arthur knew that. Testing, if Arthur was pitying him.
"Nah, this is terrible.", Arthur lied easily. "I wouldn't even throw this to the dogs. You can have it."
Merlin chuckled and finally accepted the plate.
Then, with looking around once, Merlin mumbled something under his breath and his eyes turned gold. Then, all of a sudden, the stew was steaming again.
Arthur found himself staring at the sight.

He had seen Merlin do magic before. On patrols. On hunts. But never up this close.
He had never noticed the gold on Merlin's eyes, when he did it. Not like this. It looked like tiny flames flared up in his irises. Making them dance with a mysterious power. Before dying down into a glimmer and then fading back into blue again.
It was strangely beautiful.

Merlin took a bite and immediately hissed in a breath. The magic moment was over. "Careful. It's hot now.", Arthur chuckled.
Merlin glared at him. "You are a horrible person, Arthur Pendragon.", Merlin said, but Arthur only laughed. "I didn't even do anything.", he said. "That was your own fault."
They shared an amused glance.

And were only interrupted by Tim gagging.
They turned around. Tim didn't even try to conceal his disgust. "You should be careful, prince Arthur.", the man spat out and finally he got the attention that he had wanted all day.

Arthur rolled his eyes, knowing what this man was going to say, long before he said it.
"He might kiss you, if you're not careful."

Arthur blinked and idly wondered, if that was supposed to be a threat. Because it sounded an awful lot like a promise. He had to bite back a grin at that thought.
Merlin paled and moved away from Arthur. Hastily trying to eat his stew, just so he didn't have to say anything. "So? That's none of your business.", Arthur shot back.
Merlin choked on his stew.

Tim gaped, but held up his hands in surrender. "Not my fault if you turn into a fag!", he said.
Arthur just shook his head. Honestly, why should he feel threatened by that nonsense?

Surprisingly it wasn't Arthur who spoke next. It wasn't even Merlin who did. It was Gwaine.
"What the hell is your problem, mate?", he asked and took a deep sip from his flask. Obviously to calm his nerves, because Gwaine was not one to play games with.
At least not, when he was upset.

"Oh didn't you know? That servant over there -", Tim pointed at Merlin. "Is gay.", he whispered, like the word itself could easily blow up the entire place.
Merlin stopped eating, preparing himself for the backlash.

Gwaine blinked. Some of the Essetir knights looked either bewildered or disgusted. But there were some who shot Tim angry glances too.
The Camelot knights only shared a look. That looked an awful lot like : 'should we tell him? Somebody should tell him.'

Gwaine looked at Merlin. Looked him up and down. And without loosing a breath, he turned back to face Tim and said:
"No offense dude. But half of these guys are too.", he pointed his thumbs at the Camelot knights.

Tim stared. And then blinked. For once, him and Merlin looked equally stunned.
Tim then tried to laugh but failed.
"What?", he finally said.

Merlin sat up, not as close to Arthur as he had been before. But definitely closer than after he moved away. Naturally. Merlin had been hiding his secret for years. He had been having affairs with people who had threatened him for telling a soul down in the local tavern.
And here Gwaine was – claiming he had never truly been alone? Merlin looked as dumbfounded as Arthur felt.

Gwaine shrugged.

"But Uther Pendragon is known to -"

Gwaine shrugged again. "Yeah. He's not fond of it. But he would loose his men, if he suddenly started another tantrum. I mean, he's mad already that Arthur named some commoners to be knights. You know – he does hate people like yourself too. Born in the country. In a village. Promoted to knighthood.
But this? This isn't exactly something he can risk loosing.", he pointed at the knights once more.

"Here. Look.", Gwaine turned around.
"So, I'm dating Percy. HE's definitely gay. I don't really care what the package comes with. But I do really like this package.", he winked and pointed at a muscly dude who was currently talking to Leon.
"Leon is ace. And he says he's never liked anyone ever.
Then Elyan is bi, like his sister.", he pointed at a man with dark skin and brown eyes who waved at them with a bright smile. His sister Gwen by the way, is dating Morgana. She is a lesbian, obviously. Try to charm her as you might, she will flick you the bird or worse."

"I thought Gwen was dating Lancelot?", Arthur managed to ask.
Gwaine laughed. "Yes, she does."
Lancelot grinned sheepishly, and played with his empty plate. "Both. Both is good.", he mumbled and smiled. Arthur almost laughed. And here he had thought Gwen had made a decision when she started dating Lancelot. She had truly just fallen out of love with Arthur himself. Arthur smiled. Good for her. She truly had two remarkable partners now.
Arthur doesn't think he would be as comfortable about his own girlfriend dating two people at the same time. But apparently, at least according to Lancelot's amused reaction – the three were working pretty well together.

And that was how it continued. And Gwaine only pointed those out he knew were already out. And if he wasn't sure, then he let the person speak for themselves.
Arthur stared at them. They had never talked about this. Never. Nobody had ever told him anything. He felt strangely left out.
But Merlin's eyes were wide as plates. And shimmering with unshed tears.

There was at least one Essetir knight who also decided it was his time to come out. It was also quite romantic, as he was confessing to another one of those knights whom he had spend most of his time with.

"Oh erm.", the other knight responded, scratching his head. "I feel – I feel honored but.", he took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry mate. You know I'm married. And I love my wife. But erm – We could still be friends though?"
It was awkward, to say the least. The other knight was crushed. But it certainly could have turned out worse for him. Like for example, of he had liked Tim.
He also had an entire support system now in the Camelot knights who assured him he could talk to them whenever he needed someone to lean on after the rejection.
And even the Essetir knights were surprisingly accepting of him. Essetir wasn't actually known for it's tolerance or acceptance.

Merlin stared at them and beamed up at Arthur, like he had just hung the stars himself.
Arthur – however – had nothing to do with any of this.
Gwaine grinned and now sat back. "Well then, princess.", he turned to Arthur.
"I hope the issue is resolved now. I think you're pretty much the only straight guy among the knights of Camelot. At least – you know. The guys you knighted yourself."
Gwaine was beaming. But something in Arthur died at the sound of that sentence.
Merlin shuffled next to him, finally returning to his food. But a lot less tense than before.

"Actually, I don't -", Arthur began. Feeling himself beginning to sweat coldly.
Gwaine looked at him expectantly. As was everyone else. Except for Merlin.

Arthur stared at them. Strangely enough, he felt like he was intruding. About a week ago, he hadn't even considered that he might like men too. He still had to figure that out. Maybe it was too soon to come out to anyone. He wanted to do this in his own pace.
"Yeah.", he sighed.

Gwaine nodded pleased. "And you're not disgusted by us, are you?"
Arthur laughed. "No. Why would I be?", he gave back easily.

It was like Tim was finally fully ignored. His protests, his looks of betrayal and dread.

"So- how does that guy know about you anyway?", Lancelot asked, now directed at Merlin who was staring at his own lap. A bit bumped out for a reason that Arthur was yet unaware of. (Lancelot was apparently straight. But romantically more open to both sides. So kind of the opposite of Merlin, Arthur noticed.)

Merlin sighed. "That's a long story. I really don't want to think about it.", he said and smiled sadly.
Arthur put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You should eat.", he said, noticing Merlin's stew was getting cold again. The other knights send him a grateful smile.

And Merlin smiled at Arthur too.

Arthur smiled back. He felt weak against Merlin's smile.
And without a word, Merlin went back to eat. Somehow a lot more cheerful than before. But not as cheerful as Arthur would like him to be.

------------------------------------------

They were bathing in the river. It was a warm day, despite it being autumn. It probably was one of the last warm days of the year. Warm enough to not hunt until after the sun hit the hardest.
So while Merlin was cheerfully skinning another couple of rabbits, the knights and Arthur took of their armor to not drown from all the weight, when they went bathing.

There were only few knights who did not feel comfortable undressing for various reasons and so they sat beside Merlin and helped him make lunch.
One of them was the rejected Essetir knight. Another was Tim. Though he was mostly unhappy with how his little charade had turned out yesterday.

Arthur only faintly heard them talk. He kept an eye on them, but was glad Merlin wasn't alone with Tim. Actually, he would love it, if Tim was far – FAR away from Merlin.
But when he had suggested taking care if that guy, Merlin had assured him that he was safe with them now. It would be fine, as long as they didn't leave them completely alone together.

"Merlin, why don't you come in too?", Arthur finally shouted over the laughing knights.
Merlin just waved.
"Just enjoying the view!", Merlin shouted back and earned laughter from everyone around them. Merlin blushed excitedly. For the first time in his life he was able to make such jokes.
For the first time in his life he neither had to fear rude comments, nor the pyre for saying what he said or being who he was. Arthur could see Tim scoff.
But it was too late. Arthur was already beaming at Merlin for being so open and honest and happy.
It made him happy too.

Gwaine shouted over as well. "Oh come on, Merlin. The view is much better up close."
Merlin laughed again.
Tim rolled his eyes. "He's a servant.", he commented and earned nothing but annoyed glances.
"None of you should consort with his kind."
Merlin blinked. "We are literally from the same village."

Tim rolled his eyes. "I am a royal.", he said. "YOU are not."
Merlin rolled his eyes.
"And yet here you are. Not even mingling with your own kind, but the serving boy you should not-", Merlin made air quotes, "consort with."

Tim stood up angrily. "I would NEVER consort with the likes of YOU. YOU were the one who kissed ME!"

It was quiet now. Merlin blinked. That was so not what he had been hinting at.
Everyone was watching. Arthur paled, before he slowly made his way up land. Slowly, to not startle the two men. But to also not leave Merlin completely by himself.
"Yes. And somehow after over fifteen years you're still not over it. You've had one girlfriend since. And you blamed ME for your break up. Because for some reason she had a crush on ME instead of you. Allegedly. I think she was just sick of you treating her like trash!"

"You enchanted her.", Tim shouted back. Merlin gaped. "Why on earth would I do that? I didn't even like her!"
"But you wanted to get back on me for not liking you back." Like he had just won the debate, Tim held his nose high above Merlin.

Merlin gaped. "You think I still like you?"
Tim scoffed. "Obviously."

"Dude. You literally disgust me."

Tim stopped. Honestly surprised. "What?", he asked. Sounding strangely lost and wounded.

Merlin huffed a laugh. "You didn't honestly think that after all those years I would still have any feelings left for you? It was one brief moment. The one moment in our childhood where I thought you were kind of okay.
Because you were talking about your dreams and how you wanted to protect the weak and all that shit that you never proved to actually care about.

I stopped liking you the moment you hit me in the face. I started hating you when you threw me into the snake pit.
And I stopped giving a fuck about you, when you and your friends tried to hang me." Merlin ripped of his scarf.
And there it was. The barely visible scar left from a rough rope that must have moved around a lot, when they tried to tie it around his neck.

The Camelot knights were left staring at them open mouthed. The Essetir knights weren't much better of.
They were all standing in the river. A cold breeze pleading them to pick up their shirts.
But they never moved.

Arthur grabbed for his sword. Because Merlin was dangerously unprotected.
"You know. I've told you one of the worst things I ever did was kissing you. I've literally told you that. It's definitely in my top ten.
But you know what was even worse? I trusted you. I believed you. I friggin forgave you again and again.", he stoked his finger repeatedly into Tim's chest with every word.

"I regret ever talking to you. Sympathizing with you. Knowing you. And worst or them all. Liking you. I regret all of that. And all of that is worse than simply kissing a guy. I don't even hate you, Tim. And I don't owe you an apology. I don't even want one from you.
I want you to disappear from my life. Because I think it's pretty obvious how you fucked it up.
I don't hate you, because you're not worth that kind of time.
I don't regret what I did, because quite frankly, there is nothing I should have to regret.
And I don't want an apology, because I've learned to forgive you. Not because you deserve it.
But because I deserve to live a life without your arrogant face as a constant warning in my head.

I don't want you in my life. That is all. I definitely. DO NOT LIKE you."

Tim was quiet now. And he was staring at Merlin. "Those were nine things.", he said and crossed his arms.
Merlin frowned.
Tim cleared his throat, then he repeated himself. "You said top ten. But those were... nine.... things."

Merlin looked at him like he was reconsidering if maybe he did want to punch the guy after all.
"Well.", Merlin finally said and sighed. "I released the great dragon from the dungeons and he killed a couple of people. I suppose that was pretty bad too."

Merlin gave him a death glare, before he went back to skinning the rabbit. A motion that was now a lot more disturbing than it had been minutes ago.

Tim watched him with wide eyes, ignoring the disgusted faces of the Essetir knights. Disgusted at Tim. Not Merlin.
"We were making fun of you. It's not like you're dead or anything."

The knife slipped and cut open Merlin's hand. Merlin was angry, as he balled his bloody burning hand into a fist.
"I could have died.", he gave back without looking at Tim.

"It was funny.", Tim replied without a hint of remorse. "We were just preparing you for your future. You're a sorcerer after all. All sorcerer's burn eventually."
Tim grinned like he had just won the argument. Arthur could see Merlin was holding himself back from hurting the man.
Tim looked around, waiting for a reaction. 'Right. He doesn't know that we know of his magic.', Arthur realized with a start.
Tim was trying to get Merlin killed. Again.

Arthur's blood was boiling now. But that was when Merlin finally snapped and threw a punch at Tim. A knight who didn't deserve his title but held it non the less.
Tim got out of the way and grabbed for his sword. Arthur intervened and crossed his sword with Tim's in a warning. With one hand he held Merlin back.

"So much for having forgiven me, huh?", Tim shouted. "You claim you're so much better than anyone else. Just because you have special magic or whatever.
You still hate me! You want me dead!" The man was delirious, he must be.

"Leon, Gwaine. Please get this man out of my sight.", Arthur finally declared. It was enough to get Leon and Gwaine to hurry to grab their swords.
Arthur was glad he was wearing his chainmail at least. Even though it burned on his skin from the sun. Gwaine and Leon did not have such protection. But they were skilled fighters. According to Tim's records, he was not. His talents lay with torture. Unsurprisingly.

"You've all been brainwashed by him!", Tim shouted, but didn't resist, as Leon and Gwaine tied him up and took away his sword.
Merlin was trembling with anger. And hatred.
Arthur threw his sword away. "Merlin, are you okay?", he asked and held him by both his shoulders now.

"Do I look like I'm okay?", Merlin snapped at him. Okay. That was new. Merlin didn't snap at Arthur. Not usually. Not unwarranted.
"Merlin.", Arthur tried. But who was he to calm Merlin down? Merlin had been abused by this man for the majority of his life. He had every right to be mad. To be angry. To be afraid.
It's not just the times that this man did abuse him. It was all the times after that Merlin had to deal with the fear of repeating history.
Of trusting the wrong person. To be honest, Arthur didn't know what to do.
Abuse doesn't disappear with the abuser gone. It stays on for years and years. It never truly leaves.

"He's not worth it.", Arthur tried to repeat what Merlin had said earlier. That he had stopped hating the man who tortured him. Tried to murder him. That he had forgiven him.
For himself, more than for anyone else. Arthur felt sick. That didn't sound right. This man didn't deserve forgiveness.

"You don't even know half of it.", Merlin wasn't fighting against Arthur's firm grip. But tears were flooding down his face and he was pleading Arthur with his eyes to let him go. To get revenge.
"You're right. I don't. But I don't want you to continue your life like that.", Arthur said.
"This isn't about you, Arthur!", Merlin shot back.

Arthur hissed in a deep breath. That wasn't what he meant.
"No. This is about you.", Arthur agreed. "Don't let him hurt you like that. Not here. Not in Camelot with your friends around you. We're here to support you. Like you support us.
You are safe here."

Merlin snorted a laugh but looked down.
"He's hurt me. SO much.", there was a hiccup in his voice. "Why do am I always the one who has to hold back? Why do I have to forgive him?
Why can't I just -", the rest of that sentence was left unsaid. But Merlin's eyes were wandering, as though he could imagine precisely what he wanted to do.

"Nobody said you have to forgive him.", Arthur shook his head.

He heard Tim laughing in the background. And he could hear Gwaine knock him down with his bare fist.

Merlin's lips were trembling again. "I let him hurt me. All the time. I never defended myself. My mom said I shouldn't -
I can't hurt people.", Merlin finally whispered and tried to wipe away his tears.
Arthur's eyes widened. 'Oh.', he thought. This was the second time today that what Merlin said didn't quite line up.

"I hate him. I hate him.", Merlin repeated and Arthur felt all eyes were on him now. Everyone wanted to know how he would resolve this problem. Everyone relied on his to somehow solve this.
The thing is – this wasn't a problem that you could resolve with a single word. With a snap of your hands. Arthur couldn't just say: we're here for you and bam everything was perfectly fine again.
Nothing would ever be totally fine. There would always be something left to do.

But when Arthur looked at his friend, he knew that he would try everything in his power to do as much as possible. For now that was to give Merlin time to calm down.

"I don't think you hate him.", Arthur finally whispered. Merlin looked up with anger in his eyes.
"I do. I hate him with everything I am.", he hissed.
"Let me rephrase that.", Arthur said and took another deep breath. "I don't think it's him you're angry with."
Merlin paused, irritated.
"It's not him you're blaming. It's not him you need to forgive, is it Merlin?"

Merlin looked up and met his eyes. Searching. Wondering. Trying to understand what or rather who Arthur was talking about. He looked lost.

"Why didn't you protect yourself?", Arthur finally gave him the final hint and again, Merlin's eyes snapped open, spilling even more tears as he realized what Arthur was going on about.
"It's not my fault.", Merlin whispered like a mantra and Arthur finally gave him a much needed hug.
"It isn't. But you talk like it is."

Merlin had been talking first person when he talked about his regrets. "I regret ever liking you. Trusting you etc. etc." When really he should have said: "You didn't deserve my trust. You don't deserve my kindness."

Sometimes, when people hurt you. You learn to forgive them, even if they don't deserve it.
When there is constant abuse around you, directed at you. You get used to it.
If they leave, you try to learn not to remember.
But the thing is – it always stays with you. You blame yourself for not defending yourself. You start blaming yourself for forgiving someone who hurt you and never apologized. Even if you did it to not suffer from your pain every day.
And sometimes you blame yourself for reminding yourself of the traumas you went through.

You loose sight of who you're blaming. You loose sight of who you need to forgive. Sometimes you decide hating them is the better option. And that stays with you a long long time.
You rarely stop to think that maybe it is yourself, the tortured side that can't let go. You try to treat yourself right. You know it's not your fault and then you ignore it and that covers up your guilt.
Things you regret that you shouldn't regret.
A guilt that you shouldn't be feeling and that you're trying to ignore, because it is irrational.
You can be as strong as a god and still your own guilt will bring you down. The hatred will eat you up. You don't notice you started hating yourself, because the person you decided to hate is long gone from your life.

But as irrational as your feelings are. They are there.
Not because you did something wrong. Sometimes you will regret unreasonable things. You will beat yourself up about the stupidest stuff. And then you try to ignore it and repeat: I did nothing wrong in your head. And you are probably right about that. But the probably stays in your head.
So, what IF you made a small mistake? What if you WERE to blame? You're not, but pretend you were. Because the doubt is in your head. The doubt that you struggle to ignore. Ask yourself, what IF you were?
You can forgive yourself too, you know?

Merlin sobbed into Arthur's chainmail.

The knights turned away. Tim had long disappeared into the forest, where Gwaine and Leon decided over his fate. They stood there until Arthur felt it was far too cold to take a bath anymore. And Merlin's tears had finally settled down.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Tim was banished after that. Arthur explained the situation to his father and the regent that was speaking on behalf of king Lot.
He told them that Tim had disregarded his duties and tried to harm a defenseless man. They didn't specify. And among seeing the knight himself, tied up and madly shouting something about a dangerous sorcerer who was apparently enchanting knights to be gay or something, they believed him without further questioning.

Uther may not be fond of LGBTQIA related things or commoners, or people with a mind of their own, or people in general. But he knew that he wouldn't have a kingdom without them. So it was more of a taboo topic in the castle. But it wasn't forbidden.
And other than his views about magic, his views about his knights was a little less deranged. He knew people don't choose to fall in love. And he knew what a love enchanted person looked like. After all, it had happened twice to his own son.
As long as that didn't interfere with duties or regency, he really didn't care.

Therefore the knight sounded mad even to Uther Pendragon's ears.

Arthur had never seen Merlin so relieved. Once again, they found themselves in Arthur's chambers. Arthur was writing something, and Merlin was laying on Arthur's bed, playing with one of his pillows. Since all Arthur had ordered him to do was to keep him company.
After such an eventful hunt with no actual bounty, Arthur had decided Merlin needed rest. But he also wanted to keep an eye on him.

"Thank you.", Merlin finally said after a while and took a deep breath.
Arthur chuckled. "To be honest, I kind of cut your free time short all the time. You should read your contract. You have at least three hours a day for personal use, apart from sleeping.
I was wondering when you would finally notice that."

"You are an ass. I'll remember that. That's not what I meant though. I mean – for- for being so – supportive." It was like Merlin wasn't sure of that last word. Like it didn't quite fit. It didn't. Not really.

Arthur stopped writing. "Merlin, you're my friend. I know I don't say that often. But you are. And you deserve better than what happened to you. Not that you needed to be my friend to deserve better."
Arthur shook his head.

"As soon as I am king-.", he began and tucked his feather into the ink glass on his desk.
"I will repeal the ban on magic. I don't want people to suffer based on unjust laws."

It was silent after that.

Arthur continued scribbling. Waiting for a reaction. Finally, Merlin must have gotten to his feet, because he slowly moved over to Arthur to look at him over his desk,
"Can you – can you say that again?"
Arthur smiled and looked into Merlin's wide blue eyes.
Then he put away the feather, stood up and moved around the desk to face Merlin properly. Merlin was breathing in heavily.

"I will repeal the ban on -"
Arthur didn't come any further, as soft lips melted into his own. In his daze, Arthur almost moved away. But just almost. It was Merlin who moved away first, quick to panic.
"Arthur, I'm sorry. I didn't -", he cupped his own lips with his hands and closed his eyes. "I did it again. I'm so sorry."

Arthur licked his lips, without a proper response. Then he removed Merlin's hands from where they were in the way. And then he said it again. "Don't apologize.", Arthur slowly said and met Merlin's eyes. The man was shrinking away, but Arthur didn't care.

"No. I keep on doing this. You're just so kind all the time and I -"
Arthur shut him up by pressing his lips to Merlin's. Merlin's eyes closed immediately.

Merlin was trying to breathe him in, Arthur noticed after a fraction of a second. Arms were suddenly wrapped around him and Arthur was pretty sure he wouldn't want this any other way.
Yet, it was Merlin who pulled away first. Yet again. Arthur cursed the world for not letting him have this.
"Arthur.", Merlin's cheeks were flushed red, and he was biting his lips. 'Not fair.', Arthur thought, staring at them uselessly.
"You're not pitying me, are you? I mean... When Gwaine said you were straight – you didn't – I mean -
Because I really like you and if this is just you being kind then -"

Arthur groaned. "Shut up, Merlin.", he finally said and kissed him again. Merlin yelped in surprise.
"Hold on.", Merlin pushed him away again.
Arthur sighed.

"This – between us – I really want that. But... Arthur. What about your father? What about the kingdom? I know you're okay with my magic, but if your father ever finds out any reason that could or would help him get rid of me -"
Arthur cupped Merlin's face again. "The only thing I am currently worried about is your obsession with my father, Merlin. We'll figure it out, somehow, alright?
Now please stop worrying for one goddamn minute and let me show you that I love you too."
There. He finally said it.

Merlin stared at him. Tears gathering in his eyes again.
"Do I have your permission to continue, you idiot.", Arthur chuckled and doted a finger to Merlin's nose.
Merlin pressed his lips together, then he smiled. And nodded.
'Finally.', Arthur thought. And leaned in once more to make sure Merlin knew for certain – Arthur wanted this too.

Now it really was just the status keeping them apart. But they would figure it out eventually.