"What are we doing here?", Brian asked. He was still shaken. He was carrying Arthur's box, while Arthur had his bag hung over his shoulder.
They stood in front of Brian's house.
In a way, Arthur thought Brian ought to know why they were here. But perhaps he had expected more of a heads up. More of an explanation, maybe.
Maybe the mere thought about confronting his father with nothing to go on but Arthur's sudden assumption, had his mind reeling. And he was just trying to make sure he understood why they were here.
To confront Cendred? To talk? To throw eggs at the house? At this point, anything was possible.

In Brian's defense, they hadn't really talked on the way here. Arthur had instead used the time to reflect.
On his own actions and behavior. On how he perceived others even.

Why he watched and assumed rather than asked, as Leon had criticized him. And Arthur found, that he did this, because he felt he needed to know things that he couldn't possibly know. He thought maybe he could read those things off of someone's face, instead of asking. Because being asked was uncomfortable to him and he didn't like putting people in that position.
But he needed a warning, before anything could happen that he would be blamed for afterwards.

Why did Arthur have to control everything? It were always HIS pranks. HIS actions. Why had HE to take the blame? Why was HE responsible for everything? Everyone's safety and comfort?
Because at least, when he was the one who planned it, he would know what he was punished for, when he failed. He would have done it on purpose and not be punished for something he didn't do.
And also he was specifically aware of what others needed. He thought he understood it better than most. And therefore he could plan actions that others wouldn't even have thought of.

Why did Arthur calculate how he talked to adults to keep them from questioning? Because he was scared they wouldn't take him seriously. Or.... they would break their oaths and spread information to people that were not supposed to know them. All because they meant well.

Why was Merlin the only one who was allowed to see him vulnerable? Because Merlin was the only one he trusted who never turned against him. Never forced himself on him. Always asked. Always let Arthur lead.
Why did Arthur push him away, when the tide suddenly turned? When Merlin approached him, Arthur didn't know what to do.
Kissing Merlin was one thing.
Being kissed by him another.

"I need to talk to your father.", Arthur answered finally, after staring at the house for a long reflective second.

It was quiet for but a moment.

"You're nuts." It didn't sound accusing. It sounded more like a question, really.

Another pause in which Arthur didn't answer.

"What are you planning? I know my father acted weird earlier. But are you sure after everything that happened, he'll still want to talk to you?"
'Especially about THAT kind of thing?', Brian didn't ask, but it was basically written in his face.

After everything that happened? After Arthur violently came out? Violently defended Brian in front of Cendred? Violently showed Cendred that he was the epitome of what he hated?
"He send you out to find me, didn't he?", Arthur argued.

Brian scoffed, but he didn't stop Arthur, as he rang the doorbell.

It took but a hectic minute, until Cendred opened the door. His eyes fell on Arthur and the bag in his hands. No one said a word.
No one.
Brian actually slouched again. Almost hiding again, as he was used to. The suspense seemed to shatter him deep down.
Until the string of silence finally snapped.

"Come in.", Cendred said. To Brian's surprise more than Arthur's. He looked strangely weak like that. Arthur had only known him as the angry man. The powerful and confident one. But now, it wasn't shocking anymore, why Cendred was acting like this.
To Brian it must all still be confusing.

After all, Arthur was here. All outed and everything and Cendred STILL treated him like a guest. And in the strangest sense, like a son.

Cendred send his real son a glance. He didn't say anything. Didn't blame him or order him around. He send Arthur a quick glance, as if they, too, had some kind of silent agreement that Arthur had forgotten about all those years ago.
'Please don't tell your father about this.'
Maybe Cendred had listened to Arthur's accusations at dinner. Reflected them. Perhaps he even understood them. It was far too late to fix his mistakes. But if he did, maybe it was a start.

Slowly and silently, they made their way into the living room.

"Are you here to stay?", Cendred asked. And the way he said it almost sounded like an invitation. Brian seemed to notice it too. He balled his hands to fists. Even this, even coming out couldn't shake Cendred of his opinion of Arthur, or so it seemed.
And Brian must be absolutely gobsmacked by that fact. After all, he only had half the facts.

Because they had all assumed.
They had been so dumb to assume.

Somehow it seemed, there was always another layer. Always another reason. Another pawn in the game. Another person to blame.
Arthur feared that if he got to know JJ better, he may learn to understand him, too.
Arthur didn't want to understand a child predator.

"I'm here to talk about your brother.", Arthur said. And once again, silence rang between them.

Brian stared at Arthur like he'd gone mad. It wasn't the first time he stared at him like that. But for the first time, it wasn't mixed with rage. Just confusion. And fear. And curiosity. Because this wasn't a topic you would bring up with Cendred motherfucking Essetir.

But after what Arthur had implied earlier, Brian seemed to guess what Arthur was hinting at.
After all, Brian didn't know it was JJ who did it.
Arthur could see the wheels turn in Brian's head. His eyes widen. His glance redirecting towards his father, a new light shadowing the man who looked so much older all of a sudden.
So much more burdened.

Cendred stared at Arthur as well.

"I don't know what you want me to say." He probably knew about the arrest. It was his brother after all. And Brian had filled Arthur in about the arrest somewhere between the train station and their silence on the way here.
The one who had involved the police had been Charlie, or so it seemed. Together with his girlfriend.

Brian hadn't wanted to believe it, since he was in contact with his uncle, but with Arthur guessing the situation right with no context whatsoever, he couldn't find it in himself to doubt it anymore.

No matter how crushing the thought was.
Perhaps he wasn't entirely convinced yet of the dark side of JJ. What a funny name for such an awful story.

"There is something I want to say to you.
Something I think I noticed. I'm going to ask you a few questions and I want you to answer honestly."
Arthur send Cendred a meaningful glance.
Truth be told, Cendred could have forgotten all about it. Suppressed the memory just like Arthur had. But he probably hadn't.

Cendred closed his eyes. He even saw it coming.
Everything coming down, back to haunt him or so it seemed.

Either way, Cendred wasn't dealing with it. At least not properly. Perhaps Arthur was the wrong person to talk to. Perhaps it wasn't professional or right to do this. But something had to be done. And now seemed as good a time as never. Someone had to wake this man up.
"What did he do to you?"

If anyone had expected a reaction of Cendred, they did not show it. But the way Cendred froze, Arthur knew that he had guessed right.

Brian looked, as if he were searching for words. He realized that Cendred's silence, his lack of defense, his lack of a violent outburst, confirmed it all. But instead of commenting, Brian eventually just exhaled and let Arthur do this instead. Perhaps it was better this way.

Cendred seemed tired. Exhausted. He wasn't denying it. He wasn't answering. He was hiding.
And Cendred had never been the type to hide.
Or perhaps he always had hidden in broad daylight.
Maybe Arthur and him weren't quite so different after all.

"What is this about, Arthur?", Cendred asked. A last attempt to change the topic. But Arthur could tell that Cendred already knew. That Cendred had been waiting for this moment. The moment when Arthur would finally snap.
And perhaps Cendred had thought to prevent it, by complimenting Arthur. By talking to him now and then. By rising him up to a point where no one could touch him.
The pedestal Cendred had put him on hadn't been to make him shine. Hadn't been to let everyone look at him and praise him and stuff.
He had done it so Arthur wouldn't see the blood on the floor.

"The lake.", Arthur responded.
The last hope in Cendred's eyes seemed to come crumbling down. He let his head fall down and he waited for Arthur to continue.

"I think you feel guilty for what happened at the lake. You blame yourself for not protecting me.
Especially since I'm your best friend's son. Because I was an uneducated child who didn't know what was going on."

Brian turned his head to Arthur. Slowly, very slowly, his eyes fixed on him. Arthur could guess what Brian was asking. He could see it in the paleness of his eyes. In the way his hands loosened.

"What happened at the lake!?", he didn't say it, but he might as well have. Cendred however, recognized Arthur's story. Of course. It was something they both shared.
Cendred's reaction back then told so many stories. And Arthur had watched too many people for too long in his life to not notice the patterns.
Arthur took a deep breath.

Cendred looked down.

"It's the same reason why you blocked your brother from this family. To protect me from ever interacting with them again. And to protect your son from becoming like him."

Cendred still did not answer. Not answering meant that Arthur was hitting the mark.
Brian however flinched. 'becoming like him?', he mouthed, and once again his eyes switched from father to foe. Arthur decided to answer this question, as if Cendred had asked it and not Brian.

"You're so harsh on your son, because you think he will turn out like them. Like your brother and his son. Not despite being family. But BECAUSE he is. Because it's the fact that you share the same blood that terrifies you.
You know what it can do. And you are scared that your son will become to me and others, what your brother was to you.

You want Brian and me to be friends, so you can keep an eye on me. See if I'm doing okay. And you hope that it'll keep your son sane and decent, if you keep pushing him down. That's why you never encourage him. And that's why you insist on Brian using a guest room when he sleeps over.
It's the same reason why you monitor who your son hangs out with.
You don't trust him. Because you don't trust yourself. Because you couldn't even trust your own brother. Is that about right?", Arthur asked in the end.

His tone was once again, leveled. Calm. He was stating things he thought he understood and Cendred wasn't denying anything. He closed his eyes instead.
Brian however, stopped looking at Arthur for answers. Now he was stuck staring at his father. More wounded than anything. But this wound was nothing new. Arthur didn't feel guilty for placing it there. Because it wasn't HIM who placed it there. It was Cendred. And it was an old wound. A wound he had kept infected. Brian just hadn't realized it. Hadn't known why. He had blamed himself for everything. Had hoped he could make things right. Could make his father love him again. He had trusted his father to care for him and that childish trust was now, finally shattered.
And Brian finally saw the betrayal for what it was.

"I assume that this is the true reason your wife left you. You didn't trust her either. And that's why you can't deal with her, her wife, your son and anyone else.

And when you can't handle your fears anymore, you get angry. You shout, you scream and you become violent. You're too proud to get a therapist. You rather let your anger out on people who are far younger than you.
Who are easy to fill up and knock out with a single punch and a drop of alcohol. Because you need someone to blame other than yourself."

At this point, one might think that Arthur's tone had changed to accusing. But instead, he found himself empathetic. There was no blame there, though there should be.

Arthur shook his head, as Cendred was still taking it all in. Still holding back.

"What happened doesn't excuse what you're doing. It makes it worse, actually. Because you're ruining other people's lives just as well as he did yours. And I think you need help. Professional help."

Arthur had always.... always prided himself with the way he just knew people. But only now, only now did he really feel he saw through someone. Because that look on Cendred's face, the one in his memory. It was the same one Arthur wore, when he remembered. The shock and the humiliation and the fear.
Did that even count as trauma? Did it even count as anything?

Perhaps it was.
It had been bad enough for Arthur to suppress it all these years. He was allowed to call it traumatic. Arthur was allowed to call it that. Even if he just did it in his head. And when he did, when he allowed himself to name it, he finally managed to breathe.
Breathe as he hadn't in years.
It didn't excuse anything. It just explained it.

Even if his mind kept telling him: 'it's not so bad.' Arthur also knew that it didn't matter if other people deal with worse things in their lives. Even if Cendred dealt with worse memories in his life. Arthur's feelings still mattered. His experience still had consequences. And if he didn't deal with them any time soon and just kept pretending they weren't bad at all, then he was bound to repeat what he had done with Merlin.
To anyone who may come after. People who would always be less important.

He was bound to become another Cendred.

Cendred blinked. And he seemed so.... wounded. And lost, somehow. Arthur couldn't bring himself to pity him though. He understood it, felt empathetic a little. But not to such a degree. Not after everything he had done to Brian.

Brian, however, was his son. And Arthur could guess that Brian would forgive him. At least a little bit in time. Arthur didn't know if that was good or bad. If Cendred deserved that. If it would be good for Brian. Or bad. But that was for Brian to decide. Not Arthur.

"That is an awful lot you just came up with.", Cendred said. He was almost whispering. But Arthur knew that was because he had cut through all those layers of protection.
Cendred had argued with Uther earlier. His best friend. About what, Arthur could only guess.
He had blamed Brian for not protecting Arthur all these years, according to Brian himself. Protecting of what? Of what Charlie did? Of becoming gay? Cendred understood nothing.

And Arthur could see the walls crumbling around the man who didn't want to hear that the thing that pained him for all these years... could be considered okay or normal for others.
Arthur understood that. Because he also understood that Cendred saw the problem in something else. Cendred misunderstood the problem and it was something that Arthur had to clear up as soon as possible.

"I think your brother raped you, Cendred."

Once again it was quiet. It was just a word. But Arthur could feel the weight of the word. Could feel how he tested it out on his own memory and knew that it didn't fit. And yet it was so close to fitting that Arthur feared it.
How must it feel, when a puzzle piece was forced into an infected wound that never really closed up. Never really healed.

Brian stared at Arthur too. Looking from one adult to the other. Sensing pain.
And worst of all, truth.

"We were just children. It doesn't count. He doesn't even remember it.", Cendred said. And Arthur could have laughed. That's what Arthur told himself, too.

"He's not a child anymore.", Arthur reminded him.

"But he was, then.", Cendred said. He was being uncharacteristically quiet. Unusually honest. It felt like he was bleeding out the words against his will.

He probably didn't even blame his brother. For what reasons, Arthur didn't dare ask. It wasn't his story to tell. Nor his to know.
Cendred was vulnerable in this moment. In the same way an old wary man would be at the end of a long long life.

"I thought you had forgotten. I hoped you had forgotten what Charlie did to you.", Cendred said and locked eyes with Arthur. He looked as though he was in pain from the memory and Brian's shoulders slumped forward, as he tried to keep up with the implications of this conversation.
Arthur was keeping things straight forward. But he knew why Cendred didn't.
There were things that were just too heavy on your tongue.

But Arthur had decided to own his mistakes. He had decided to bear his burdens. Be true about it. Be strong. And there was only one way to drag Cendred out of the grave he dug himself and that was by pure force.

"I had.", Arthur confessed and Cendred looked at him.

"I had until today. That doesn't mean it didn't effect me." Arthur realized in this moment, that he was getting his control back now. With understanding came a certain power. And a certain calm. It was the fear of the unknown that had made him panic.
'You were affected too.', was left unsaid.

Cendred didn't answer. And Arthur didn't say anything either. Brian was probably too curious and too shocked to even breathe.

It was a silent understanding. This wasn't something you normally talked about. It especially wasn't something you forced someone to talk about.
And that wasn't what Arthur had planned with this anyway.
He had started this conversation to make Cendred see that he couldn't ignore it any longer.
Arthur didn't know what they were supposed to do with this information. But they should both knew now that they weren't alone with this.
And that none of them should be ashamed. Or blamed.
At least not for that part of their history.

"There is one more thing I want to say.", Arthur finally broke the silence and he could hear Brian take another deep breath. Full of anticipation.
Cendred waved at Arthur to continue.
Because someone had to clear up Cendred's internal misunderstanding.

"What you've been fearing, what you've been accusing gay people of, has nothing to do with their orientation.", Arthur said.
Cendred blinked.

"There is no shame in liking men.
There is no shame in loving one.
There is nothing wrong having sex with someone you love. Or maybe don't love. People are different like that.
There is nothing wrong with staying away from sex either. It's all personal choices and there is nothing wrong with either version.

There is nothing wrong with liking girly things. With being girly or a girl herself for that matter. There is nothing wrong with any of that.", Arthur said and he could sense that Cendred was shifting nervously. About to say something.

"What your brother did was something else entirely. Your brother abused you. And that had nothing to do with his orientation.
You weren't being girly or not strong enough to defend yourself. Call it what you want. Call it an experiment, abuse of power, whatever. But don't think for a second that it had anything to do with love."

Cendred opened his mouth to answer once again, but this time Arthur shushed him.

"What happened was that your brother didn't ask for consent.
What happened to me was that I gave consent to something I didn't understand.
That is what happened and nothing else.

And what you've been doing ever since, is controlling your son. Manipulating him. You abused him too. You abused your power, too.
And truth be told, I don't know where to see the difference."

That last sentence might as well have shattered Cendred. Because his eyes widened and never before had Arthur seen Cendred look guilty. And so, so ashamed.

Arthur took a deep breath. This was all he had wanted to say. But it hurt to say it.
'I lost control.'
'I manipulated him.'
'I made him fall in love with me.'

This was it. This was just exactly what Arthur did to Merlin. And that's why Arthur hurt so much over it. Why he felt so guilty. Why he had to say no. He could have laughed for how stupid he had been.
It was just one memory.
Just one.
Who would have known it would cause so much pain?

Cendred didn't say anything in minutes. Here and there he glanced at Brian, as if to say something. As if to apologize. All while Brian seemed to try to wrap his mind around all of Arthur's words.
What it meant that Cendred wasn't denying any of them.

Perhaps it had never occurred to Brian, that Cendred was insecure, too. That his toxic masculinity had roots. Roots that belonged to poisoned ivy that now wrapped around Brian's ankles and kept him from being himself.
The same way they kept Cendred from being himself, too.

"I'm sorry.", Cendred finally broke out. It felt like a meltdown. An admission rather than an apology. It was a start. And Arthur couldn't help but sigh in relief as he saw the adult man cry.

Because it meant that there was hope for him left.

----------------------------------

Arthur, in fact, stayed the night. Or rather what was left of it. He hadn't expected he would be allowed to stay here for real. Not after all the things he had revealed about Cendred. And himself too.
In front of Brian no less.

When the protectiveness of the night faded, Arthur's senses began to realize all the emotions that had overwhelmed him that night.
In the morning it all seemed unbelievable how much he had dared to reveal.
How much less he cared.
It felt upsetting, embarrassing, stupid even. Still he knew it was necessary.

Then he took a deep breath and felt relief wash over him once more.

When he passed by the window, where the sun was shining lazily through the clouds, he wondered how his life was supposed to go on now.
After all, he couldn't stay here. No matter what Cendred said.
Cendred simply wasn't ready to take care of someone else. That Brian was still here was already a bit of a problem.

Even if Cendred came around now, it wouldn't change what he did to Brian. And the progress would be slow, because Cendred had a lot to unlearn. That was nothing he could do while his son was present. He would fall back into the old routines. Arthur knew this, because he knew what it was like to lose control.
And how hard it was to maintain it, while you toed the line of fear every day.

And Brian too, deserved to feel safe. To not be judged upon every single action. Too scared to speak up, because his father showed again and again that he wouldn't listen.
Perhaps Arthur should talk to Brian about this. Tell him that he needed to get out of here. At least for a while.

Arthur looked at his phone. It was still off. He had not taken the train that morning and now even the ticket in his pocket was useless. But his phone? The batteries were completely empty. Somehow Arthur had forgotten to charge it.
No wonder though, he had refused to check his messages in days.
Now he had no way of knowing whether there were any. He shook his head. It didn't matter. Or rather, maybe it was better this way. Arthur wanted to face Merlin with a clear head.
Without whatever those messages entailed to twist up his mind and make him panic before he brought out the very first word.

Arthur kind of marveled in the fact that he was still here. Still in this stupid city that his father owned too many places of.
Sleeping in the house of his biggest rival, yet far away from him in a different room. On Arthur's own wishes, this time. That memory triggered some need for distance from people. Especially when he slept.
How had he managed to sleep beside Merlin all these years?

Arthur had gone to sleep first, as soon as Cendred finally noticed the bags under Arthur's eyes and offered him the guest room.

Cendred and Brian, however, had talked all night. Father and son.
About the good and the bad. And how to fare from here. Or perhaps, they had just been silent together.

But Arthur didn't interfere. It didn't matter what he thought Brian and his father needed. It wasn't Arthur's place to say.

He had other things to think about. And that was obviously Merlin.
Sweet, kind, understanding Merlin.
Could this be fixed? Was it supposed to be fixed or were they supposed to start over?

Quite honestly, Arthur was terrified.
What did he have to lose, though?
And then he imagined how devastated Merlin may look. How sad he could be.
Maybe he would never forgive him.
He could lose him all over again.

The thing was, Arthur didn't want to be forgiven. He wanted to fix it. Make up for it. Merlin could blame him all he wanted. Arthur just wanted – no needed – another chance.

He thought he might be ready for it now.
Now that he knew that he wasn't a monster.
He had mistaken that too. That thing that was hidden behind all those layers of cool exterior. He had thought himself something he wasn't. Because he had been cornered.
He hadn't hidden a monster. He had hidden a wound that now had opened to reveal an infection. And he thought he was somehow to blame. Perhaps he was.
Perhaps not.
It didn't matter.

The truth was that Arthur was still that child from back then. Now an 18 year old child who was too scared to do anything by himself out of fear he did it wrong.
And too scared to give up the responsibility, because he feared how others may abuse it.
Arthur was contradicting himself with fears of equal intensity.
But now he knew what it was.
Now he could explain it at least.

Though Arthur wasn't sure if he would be able to find the words.
If it would be enough.
Would Merlin believe him, even? Was Merlin supposed to, after everything that had happened?
Would he maybe say that Arthur was exaggerating? Would Arthur talk too much or too little?
The thought was scary.

But love always is. Arthur's feelings were just a little more complicated than most.
So Arthur drank his tea and imagined how Merlin would be drinking coffee right next to him. Eating his cereals, while Arthur would have an apple.
Merlin would be wearing one of Arthur's shirts for no reason other than to annoy him.
Not knowing that Arthur adored it when he did.

Not knowing, that Arthur was bleeding his love out for Merlin every step on the way.
Too afraid that Merlin felt the same. Because if Arthur had to bleed, did that mean Merlin had to bleed too?
Arthur shook his head out of the gore.

Arthur left the Essetir house without saying much of a goodbye. The other two were still asleep. And somehow, Arthur didn't have the feeling they would be surprised if he left. They wouldn't come after him again.
Most of his stuff was still here.
Brian would probably know where he was going.
Especially, since the box was gone with him.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur was alone, when he heaved the box towards Merlin's door. He took a deep breath and put it down in that hallway he knew too damn well. Knew every god damn crack on that painted wall that had gathered so much dirt that someone should definitely do something about it but never did.
Knew that door too well, with the scrubbed off wood where Hunith had tried to clean of little crayon paintings that Arthur and Merlin had left there as children.
It truly was strange how much Arthur noticed lately. Or rather, remembered.

Then he rang the door bell.

It was Hunith herself who opened the door. Arthur had imagined anything, really. Had imagined Merlin coming out, sending him away, throwing something at him or stuff like that. But somehow he had forgotten she lived here too. It made his heart heavy to see her so heartbroken. But she just looked him over, once, before pulling him into a hug. She didn't send him away and Arthur finally remembered that she practically raised him.
He was her son, too, in a way.
Like hell she would abandon him.
She didn't say anything. Didn't blame him. Didn't shout at him, the way she probably should. She might do that later, when she didn't have to be afraid that it would scare him away.
Arthur was looking forward to that.

On the couch behind her, sat Merlin. His breakfast toast left untouched. His coffee cold. A blanket thrown around his neck, as if he had had a long talk with his mother last night as well.
Or as if she had just tried to comfort him all morning.

Arthur's heart beat increased. Oh, how had he forgotten how Merlin made his heart race? Now more than ever, that they had been apart for almost.... three whole days.
God, Arthur was a mess.
Well. The physical distance was probably much less the problem than the emotional one.

Merlin clearly hadn't slept. He looked tired. And he bit his lip upon seeing Arthur. Hunith gave Arthur a smile and squeezed his hand. Then she left the room to hide in the kitchen. No doubt to give them some privacy.

She too, didn't say a thing. She knew it wouldn't help.
Arthur was here to explain things, that much was clear. She left it in his hands to clear up the situation.

Merlin rose from the couch. And Arthur anticipated everything once again. Years of knowing Merlin painted pictures in his mind. Expected and unexpected. Things that would and would never happen logically, but still occupied his mind, because they could.
He imagined tears. He imagined Merlin shouting at him that Arthur should fucking leave the house.
But none of that happened either.
Just like Hunith had welcomed him in, Merlin walked towards him, calmly.

And then, Merlin slapped him. Hard.

Arthur had anticipated a punch. Had expected his teeth to clash against each other. Had expected Merlin to yeet him out the window, would he get the chance.
But Arthur got one slap. One, almost gentle slap. Then a desperate, frustrated look. A huff. And then a deep, bone crushing, all too compassionate hug.
Arthur was too surprised and too speechless to breathe.

Merlin was a miracle.

Tears stung at Arthur's eyes again. And wasn't that strange? It was the middle of the day, and Arthur felt his emotions break through to the surface, as he clung to Merlin's shoulders and cried into his shirt.
Arthur was a silent crier. As he never allowed himself to hear his own pain.
But when Merlin pressed a warm hand against his neck, Arthur realized where he was. And hope mingled with the frustration, the fear and the shame. And he practically broke down sobbing into Merlin's shoulder.

Who was he even kidding. He had really messed this up. And he certainly didn't deserve this kindness.

How on earth was he supposed to explain this?
How could Merlin support him like this, after everything Arthur had said and done?

"You're thinking too loud.", Merlin whispered against Arthur's neck and he felt a shiver starting from there.

"I'm sorry."
Arthur had sworn not to apologize. Because he didn't want to be forgiven. He wanted to be blamed, so he knew where to grasp his wrongs and deal with it properly. So he would never, ever, let it happen again.

"You came back.", was all Merlin said. As if that somehow made it all okay. And it caused another wave of tears in Arthur's eyes. He hadn't been so emotional with Cendred. And they had literally talked about child abuse and rape.
But perhaps the difference was that Arthur had a certain emotional disconnection with Cendred.

While Merlin occupied at least half of his soul.
Losing Merlin would probably be worse than death itself. Perhaps it would be easier to deal with Merlin's death than being far far away from him, having no way to ever know how he was. Or where. Or if he even remembered Arthur.

Perhaps dealing with things that already happened was just easier than dealing with the unknown.

And perhaps that was why, finally, Arthur found the courage to say it.

"Merlin I lied. I panicked and I lied.

I love you. I really, really love you. I love you so much that it scares me. And I'm so, so....", Arthur stopped himself, before he could say the word 'sorry' one more time.
Instead, he squeezed Merlin tighter.
"I didn't mean it. You're not disgusting. You are the love of my life and nothing you could ever do would ever truly disgust me. You could eat a snail and I'd think you brave. You could bath in mud and I'd find it funny, instead.
You're nothing if not beautiful and kind and -", at this point Arthur was just rambling. His mind gave him ideas of who Merlin was and what he could do and he just couldn't find a world in which he wouldn't find a way to love Merlin for everything he did.
No matter what it was.

One half cannot hate what makes it whole. But Arthur was not half a person. He was a full person. A full, complete asset of a person. And in a way, that made his feelings for Merlin so much more intense.
They weren't two half souls made for each other. They had the choice to be together or not. And that was a powerful thought.

Arthur had a whole soul to love him. Not just a half. And yet he had given it all to him without a thought.

Slowly, almost too gently, Merlin pushed Arthur away. He seemed conflicted and confused, the way he raised his eyebrows. His wide eyes locked on to Arthur. Shock was there, written all over his face. And hope, too.
And oh how Arthur disliked the sound of hope. It got him back to being frightened.

"Then why?", Merlin asked and it was a good question. Though Arthur wondered what Merlin had expected him to say.
That night, on Arthur's birthday, Arthur had feared that question.
Arthur had been missing a part of himself. A knowledge about himself. And that had scared him. Made him wonder if he even was himself.
He had wondered who he was, because ... well. He just didn't know.
And now he knew.

"I'm not ready to be loved by you.", Arthur said, honestly. It didn't matter how stupid it sounded.
"I'm not ready to let this.... ", Arthur pointed between them. "be more."

Merlin blinked. And a hand of his reached out to cup Arthur's face. Another wrapped gently around his wrist, to keep Arthur there.
"It wouldn't be more.", Merlin whispered. Because he always knew when to ask and when to wait for Arthur to find himself.
"Some things would be different, but it wouldn't be more. Not for us. There would be things we'd do differently. But I would never force you into anything, Arthur.", Merlin said.

Sometimes it seemed like he knew.

"But -"

"Boyfriend is just a label, Arthur. Nothing has to change. We define who we are. We get to choose the words. You don't have to be afraid of me. We don't have to change who we are."

He knew, Arthur thought again. And he felt so dumb for not seeing it.
For not seeing Merlin's patience. His compassion.
Had Arthur really been so blind to the man he paid most attention to?

Of course Merlin knew him, too. Had spend just as much time with Arthur as Arthur had with him. It was the most logical connection and yet Arthur had failed to make it.

"I love you.", Arthur said one more time. If only to compensate for the one time he had denied it. Merlin cracked a smile.

"Why are you crying, Arthur?"

"I thought you were mad at me.", Arthur said. And still found it amazing that Merlin hadn't pushed him out the window yet.

"Oh I am. I'm furious.", Merlin said, though he didn't sound like it. "But you forget that I know you. And unfortunately, I can never stay mad at you for long. I've been reflecting, you know? And I think, I might be to blame for this, too."

Arthur couldn't help it, he laughed. "What? How on earth are YOU to blame for any of this?"

Merlin blinked at him. "That's what I wanted to ask you, to be honest. I just feel like I did something to upset you.
I just ..... I was hurt at first, when you insulted me and all. But then I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. I thought, maybe I shouldn't have put you on the spot for that kiss. But you didn't complain, so I just kept going with it and...
I just. I guess I got frustrated then, because I couldn't figure out what your deal was. And I got angry and mad, because you didn't make any sense.
There you call me disgusting for liking you, the next day you call Brian out for acting like his homophobic self. On top of that you had far too much make up on your face, and I could still see how red your eyes were.

Then I realized that you were never angry at me. Frustrated, yes. Desperate, confused, maybe. But most of all, you were afraid.
And I think that's kind of worse.
Had you been mad, you would have punched me in the face or something. You just shoved me and then looked like you would rather kill yourself than do that again. You are a horrible actor, Arthur."

"I wasn't acting. I panicked.", Arthur corrected him and almost winced.

Merlin sighed. And finally send Arthur a smile. "See? This is what you get, when you don't talk to me about these things. You always try to solve everything by yourself.
You always think too much and get lost in your head. And this time, I couldn't reach you in time, because you shut me out for good. And I promise you, had you not come through that door the moment you did just now, you would be dead to me."

That last part, Arthur knew, was a lie. Had Arthur waited another day, Merlin would have reacted the same. Merlin had given him time. So much time. But he also knew it wouldn't have lasted forever.
Arthur smiled at him. He felt so grateful to have him here.

"I'm just glad you weren't being like... overdramatic and decided to leave town. That would have been low, even for you.I would literally punch you right now, if you had."

Arthur flinched.
Merlin gaped at him. Then he stepped back and pointed his finger at Arthur. "You WERE going to leave! What the fuck, Arthur!"

Arthur shook his head and grinned a little.

"In my defense, I hadn't slept and got drunk and then I upset my father and got kicked out."

"Arthur!", it didn't help. Merlin sounded outright upset now. "Why the fuck would you leave? Did you even read my texts? I think Gwaine send you death threats at some point. Were you even going to answer any of them?
How the fuck do you even..."
Merlin paused. Then he blinked and it was strange, because Merlin had known before, had heard him say it, but now he seemed to realize it a second time.
"You love me.", he pointed out. Voice suddenly a tad thicker.

Somehow Merlin must not have fully grasped the weight of the words Arthur had repeated again and again, because saying it once didn't seem like it was enough.

"Yes."

"But you panicked?"

"Yes."

"When I confessed to you?"

"I promise, I will tell you everything. Just... give me some time. I still have to process a few things. I just....
Merlin, please give me another chance. I don't know how to fix this, but please let us try to be friends again."

"Friends?"
Merlin asked and somehow relaxed and tensed at the same time.

It was odd.
Arthur had always shown Merlin that he cared. Always paid attention.
And last week, he had kept telling Merlin again and again just how much he loved him. In more subtle ways than just now.
But this was the first time he admitted it. The first time he said it with that special meaning. Arthur found, he should probably say it again.

"I love you, Merlin.", Arthur did say it again and watched how Merlin's eyes widened even more. "I always have."

Merlin's face cracked a little. Obviously unsure how to proceed. But then he took a deep breath and decided to tease Arthur instead. "All this time?", he grinned slightly. But Arthur blinked away a few tears in favor of seeing Merlin's eyes more clearly.
"Don't make me quote Harry Potter on you."

Merlin laughed. And it was probably the most beautiful sound Arthur had ever heard.

"Oh. But I want you to tell me how much you love me. You let me sit here to wither and worry all by myself while you were out there.... doing whatever were you doing? Anyway, if you want me to forgive you, tell me -"
By the sound of Merlin's voice, Arthur could tell that Merlin was trying to joke. To distract Arthur from his own answer. From Merlin's question: 'Friends? JUST friends?'

And that was fair, Arthur guessed. He didn't need an answer. He just needed Merlin. In whichever way possible.
Also he knew that Merlin was waiting for Arthur to break the tense situation and just flick him on the nose or something. Otherwise he wouldn't rant on how Arthur should tell him how exactly he felt.

But Arthur didn't feel like joking. So he did what Merlin asked of him.

"I've loved you since the day we met. I saw you smile once and I've been done for ever since. And I know it's cringe and you might think it's overbearing, but it's the truth.
I've written letters to my mother ever since I knew how to write and each and every letter tells a story about how I fell deeper in love with you. And they are all yours, if you want them.
They are in this box. I brought them to you, because..."

Arthur paused. Yeah, why exactly? Merlin's eyes were wide now, as he looked at Arthur in open surprise. As Arthur had expected, Merlin had NOT expected Arthur to be so open with him.

"Because I never know what to do with my feelings. They belong to you, anyway. So...."

"Is that what ...", Merlin hurried to get something off around his neck. And yes, certainly, it was the key Arthur had given him.

"Yeah, that was the plan, kind of. But you won't need it, because Brian broke the lock -"

"Wait, he did what?", Merlin went pale. "Arthur what the fuck?", he looked as if he was about to panic and call the police or something equally ridiculous, but Arthur stopped him.
"It's fine, I told him to."

Now Merlin was speechless. And given the circumstances; Given the fact that Merlin had the key, because Arthur trusted him; given the fact that Brian didn't and yet Arthur somehow allowed him to look inside; it was pretty obvious that Arthur had a lot of explaining to do.

"I-", Arthur took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair.
"How about we go to your room and I'll tell you everything that has happened, alright? I'll answer every question, I promise." Having Hunith eavesdropping on them was not a very comfortable thought.

Merlin searched for something in his eyes. Then he nodded. And Arthur let go off Merlin briefly, to lift the box and get to the one secluded area where he knew they would be truly alone.

Once inside Merlin's room, Arthur's heart began to flutter with nerves. He would tell Merlin everything. Everything meant he would tell him about Charlie, too.
Truth be told, Arthur was terrified. This wasn't something you casually tell someone. And Arthur feared that once he did, Merlin would forgive him how he belittled him only a couple days ago.
Merlin may forgive him.
Or.... a part of Arthur wondered if what he went through was even considered bad enough to be an excuse.
Arthur had been living with this for years. Had acted as if nothing were wrong, because he couldn't blame another kid for being misguided.
Had gone so far as refuse to think about it.
But it wasn't THAT bad, was it?

Arthur looked at Merlin briefly, who was standing at the door, seemingly confused why Arthur hadn't even put down the box yet.

"Please, sit.", Arthur said and swallowed thickly.
Merlin followed the instruction and sat down on his bed, while Arthur kept standing there, wondering if he could deal with it, if Merlin waved off his worries. Also, it was a bit unnerving that Merlin followed an order of his.

Arthur decided to finally sit down, too. And he placed the box before Merlin, before moving to the other side, at a safe distance, so he wouldn't have to look at Merlin.
"Arthur?", Merlin asked, suddenly sensing the tense atmosphere.
Was Arthur overdoing it? Overplaying his insecurities?

Arthur took another deep breath. "Sorry, I am... I need to face the wall for this.", he explained and Merlin stilled.
"Is it that bad?", Merlin asked, carefully.

"No... not really. It's just something I remembered the other day. I.... I didn't remember because I suppressed the memory. It's actually not that bad."
Arthur said this and felt awful at the same time.

"You suppressed it, but it's NOT THAT BAD?", Merlin asked, eyes wide.

Arthur bit his lip. This was his last chance to stop himself. To get out of this, though he didn't know how. There was only one way to go. If he didn't explain, he might lose Merlin for good. And wasn't that worse than anything else?

"Do you remember Brian's cousin?", Arthur asked and immediately bit his lip. He hadn't wanted to disclose any more information about the other guy in the story. He kind of wanted to protect his identity. Especially since he was currently facing court against his father. Also was that really the best way to start the story?
"You mean, Charlie?"

"Yeah. Apparently he's currently holding a case against his own father for....", Arthur paused. If he started with that, then he was clearly overplaying it, wasn't he?
Then again, if it had been Charlie's father... if it HAD been an adult who didn't stop when asked....
Arthur closed his eyes. Even facing the wall was not okay right now. It felt strangely surreal.
"sexual abuse.", Arthur finally finished and flailed his arms to emphasize that he knew no better word for it. He could have chosen rape, but for some reason the word sexual abuse sounded less bad.
It was easier to say.
He heard Merlin gasp. And he wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Arthur, did he do something to you?", Merlin immediately concluded and that was kind of what Arthur had been afraid off, so he shook his head.
"No. But Charlie kind of-"

There was another audible gasp, which made Arthur turn around to finally look at Merlin. Merlin was staring at him with wide eyes. Arthur's heart sank into his stomach.

"Don't get the wrong idea. Charlie didn't know what he was doing. We were like... 8 or something. We didn't even have sex ED in school yet. Neither of us. He didn't .... He didn't know."
Arthur looked away again. But Merlin didn't answer. Arthur knew, he would have to go into detail this time.
And he would have to explain what that had to do with Merlin, too.
This was more complicated than he had thought.

"And I... I let him.", Arthur said and he hadn't expected the tears that made their way down his face. It had been so different with Cendred. In front of Cendred it was easy to defend himself. To be strong.
Though in a way, Arthur felt that crying was so much harder than keeping himself together. Somehow, he felt stronger right now.
With Merlin, Arthur had decided to be completely open and vulnerable. That's why he put the physical distance between them. That's why he hugged himself and didn't look at him, but he still hadn't expected it to be so.... cruel.

"Children experiment, you know? And ... I didn't think it was THAT bad, until Cendred found us. And I don't think I've ever been more afraid in my life then in that moment. Because Cendred was about to punch us both senseless. Well, he did it to Charlie. He overheard me telling Charlie to stop and I think that's why he's so protective of me.
Anyway, I remember being afraid. To the point where I buried it deep inside."

"Not deep enough, apparently.", Merlin muttered and Arthur shut his eyes closed again. Tears fell from his eyes into his hands.

"I just...", Arthur was starting to get frustrated. "I can still remember what he said."
'I want to show you something. Turn around.'
"I can still remember how weird it felt. I didn't want it, so I told him to stop and he did, but -"

Now Arthur was SURE he was overplaying it. He had started to shudder and shiver and he watched himself like he thought himself an actor. His mind felt disconnected at the memory. But his heart clearly didn't.

"When you and I made that joke about having sex the other day...-", Arthur choked on a ridiculous laugh. "And Gwaine brought us the condoms and you kissed me, I panicked. I didn't know why, but now I do.
I panicked, because a part of me already remembered and that part was terrified. I didn't mean to hurt you and this isn't supposed to be an excuse. I just... I just wanted you to know.
I couldn't explain it, when you asked, and I lost control of the situation."

Losing control. Right now, Arthur was reinstating the control over the situation. Telling Merlin where to sit. What to do. Arthur had always done that. Always controlled the situation.
Arthur had said that he was afraid he manipulated Merlin into loving him. And in a way, he still felt that way. But now he knew why. Because he always controlled everything. Always watched people. Manipulated them.
Now he knew why he did that. Why he was so uncomfortable the whole time.

Charlie had controlled the situation then. And now Arthur was doing the same thing. Just taking control. He decided where to sit. Where Merlin sat. Who had the key to his heart. Who was allowed to read the letters. Who was talking, who was listening.

"Can I hug you?", Merlin suddenly whispered and Arthur felt revolted. Not by the idea of the hug. But by the thought of Merlin pitying him. He shook his head.
Faintly he noticed that Merlin moved. And when he managed to look over, he saw a hand held out to him.
Grateful, but still shaking, Arthur grabbed it.

They sat there for a while, neither saying a word.

"Thank you.", Merlin said, suddenly.
"For what?", Arthur felt irritated.
"For trusting me with that. I didn't know.

You were always so fast forward during the whole fake relationship. You kissed me in front of everyone. But you also warned me, that you would do that.
I never thought how important that kind of consent was to you. I assumed it was fine to kiss you, since you kissed me all the time, too.
I didn't think I -", Merlin grew quiet.

"It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Whose fault is it, then?"

There was a pause. "I don't think anyone is at fault here.", Arthur said. "I think it's just.... it is what it is. I'm going to need time to wrap my head around it. I'm not asking you to wait for me, I just -"
'Friends.' It was like Arthur finally answered that question. And Merlin seemed to hear him loud and clear.
'I can't be more than that right now.'

"Of course I'll wait for you.", Merlin interrupted him and squeezed his hand tighter.

"You shouldn't."

"I'm pretty sure that is my decision to make."

"I'm selfish."

"So am I.", Merlin countered. Arthur honest to god felt all breath leave his lungs.

"Merlin, we're both going different ways after school. I don't want you to get stuck with me, when you could have everyone else. Someone who isn't so fucked up and -"

"Can you please stop talking like our relationship is about sex?"

Merlin might as well have slapped him again. "Huh?". Arthur made a squeaking sound.

"Don't look at me like that. That's what this is about, isn't it? You telling me, you're not ready for me to kiss you and touch you and stuff.
Arthur, we've been sleeping in the same fucking room for years. We share everything. You buy me Energy and my favorite cornflakes even though you hate them. You make me coffee every morning. We study together.
We've practically been married since we became friends.

THAT is what I always wanted with you. I want to continue that. And I don't want to hold back my feelings for you. I want to tell you that I love you. And I want people to know that I do. And that we belong together. I don't want to be afraid to say it is all.
I don't want to have to fear that you will reject me, because ... well. You'd find me disgusting or can't look me in the eyes anymore because of my feelings for you.

I'm not in love with you, because I want to ravish you like some kind of ballistic animal. We've always been more than that.
And I can't lose you."

Arthur felt more tears run down his face. "What if I'll never be ready?", he asked. And he felt stupid. Felt Leon's words ringing in his head: 'You think I wanted this?'
Felt how Gwaine basically said: 'I'll never be enough, because of the way I feel.'
Felt how he saw Elena, again and again, leave relationships because she was told she wasn't putting enough effort into it.

"Then that's how it is.", Merlin cupped Arthur's face gently with one hand and wiped away the tear that ran down his face.

And in that moment, Arthur felt a wave of affection run through him. Relief, he hadn't known he needed. Felt like years of denial, years of holding back finally lifted off his shoulders.
Here was the reason why Arthur never confessed to Merlin before. And here was the reason why he felt that he needed to do it again.
"I really, really do love you.", Arthur whispered against Merlin's hand.

Merlin grinned at him. "I know.", he said and raised their intertwined hands to his mouth to kiss Arthur's palm.
"I love you, too. Even if you're an idiot sometimes."

Arthur laughed. Hiccupped a laugh, really. "Is the hug still an offer?", he finally asked and Merlin's grin only widened.
"Of course it is." Merlin widened his arms and waited.
Waited for Arthur to make the next move, because Merlin willingly gave Arthur control over the situation. Arthur didn't waste his chance. He took in the embrace like he was starving for it.
And if he wept a little into Merlin's shoulder.... again .... then the other man didn't say a thing.

----------------------------

They stayed like that for a while. Arthur breathed in the scent of his favorite person in the world. And he really, truly felt that they could be okay.
He closed his eyes, when he felt Merlin's fingers run through his hair and eventually, Merlin leaned back on the bed, with Arthur nuzzling into him.

"Do you want to read my letters?", Arthur asked. And he really wondered how Merlin would react to each of them.
"No.", Merlin answered quietly.

Arthur blinked. And the imaginary bubble in his head popped into nonexistence.

"No?"

"They feel like a goodbye.", Merlin said and hummed a little. "They sound like you just piled up your life and hid it in a box."

Arthur could hear Merlin's heartbeat. Such a constant rhythm.
"So what are you gonna do with them?", Arthur asked.

Merlin's hands halted in Arthur's hair. "You mean, they are all mine?"

"That's what I said. That's why you have the key."

Merlin paused. "I don't need a key to know you, Arthur."

Arthur stared at him in surprise. Merlin was right, but boy did that man manage to catch him off guard. " I still want you to have it."

"Because you love me.", Merlin said. And by now it seemed like he just wanted Arthur to say it a thousand times.
"I love you.", Arthur answered, instead of a yes and Merlin shuddered a little at those words.

"Okay. Then I would like to burn them.", Merlin said. Arthur blinked. Not sure how to feel about that. "Okay.", he answered.
Because that was why he gave the box to Merlin. So Merlin could make that choice.

Merlin smiled and turned back to Arthur. "I love you, too, you know?"

Arthur's heart staggered at those words. He had heard them before. But this time they felt so different. They felt different because he finally knew that Merlin knew him. Saw him, for who he really was. Monster, wounded and all.

"I didn't know.", Arthur whisper admitted. Because no, he hadn't known. Not really. He hadn't known how deep Merlin's feelings were. And oh, he was so ashamed to think so shallow of Merlin.

"Can I kiss you?", Merlin asked. Nervously, he bit his bottom lip. And Arthur thought about it for a moment. They had kissed before, after all.
"You can. But after we burn the letters.", Arthur said and Merlin sighed in relief.
"Then let's do it." He sounded almost too eager, as he hurried to sit up and get to the box.
And Arthur felt a little relieved, knowing that he could trust Merlin. That Merlin wouldn't be upset, even if he said no. Because this was Merlin. And Merlin respected him. Waited for him.
Just like Arthur always had for him. They would be fine.

-------------------------------------------------------

Hunith would probably kill them later, if she saw what they were doing.
They stood outside. In some far away corner at the parking lot. A metal trashcan in front of them. And the letters pushed inside. Merlin seemed to take quite the pleasure in finding all the small items Arthur had collected as well.

And Arthur watched with delight how Merlin just kept retelling the stories from his own perspective. He didn't need the letters to know.
Finally, Arthur felt content.

Because he knew he belonged here.
And when finally the flames burst out, taking the last of Arthur's memories with it, he finally felt some kind of closure as well.

Perhaps, those letters, too, had been a form of control for Arthur. To keep himself in check. To know that each of his actions had a reason. To remind himself of that reason.
Now he didn't need that reminder anymore. And while the flames grew higher and higher and his past turned to ashes, Arthur felt Merlin's hand slowly entangle with his own.
There was no rush. Instead there was a question there.

Arthur knew this, because he knew that Merlin knew. That Merlin wouldn't be mad, if he pulled his hand away. That this was still an option. And that's why holding hands wasn't scary anymore either.
The empty box stared at Arthur and he could feel himself smiling stupidly at the sight. Only the plastic items were left inside.
Arthur was free.

And with that knowledge, Arthur turned to Merlin with a smile. Merlin smiled back.

"Merlin?", Arthur asked, a little insecure still. Merlin tilted his head in question.
"Do you think that maybe the only reason why I think I'm demi is because I was damaged?"

Okay, ouch. Perhaps he shouldn't have asked that.

"Why are you asking?", Merlin asked.

Arthur took a deep breath. "Because, what if.... what if this is the very reason why? That I just don't trust people because of everything that happened? Am I still...."

"Valid?", Merlin ended the question for him. Arthur nodded.
"You mean, people would have reason to doubt your feelings, just because you're traumatized?"

Arthur flinched a little, but tried to focus on their intertwined hands instead. This was a stupid question, wasn't it?

"You can explain why you feel the way you do, so what?", Merlin looked ahead into the flames. "Labels are there to guide you. They are never definite and never 100 % accurate. You taught me that.
We define ourselves by what we feel. And you feel the way you do. The why is not important. So what if you're not trusting people easily and that's why you fall in love only with people you have a strong emotional connection with?
This is still you. It doesn't make your feelings more or less valid. It just is how you feel. And if this word fits you best, then why not use it?"

Arthur huffed out a deep breath. How did Merlin manage to make everything sound so simple?

Arthur didn't really know how to answer. But there was something else in his mind that felt quite alright in this very moment.
"May I kiss you now?", he asked quietly. Merlin swirled around to face him.
"Now is okay.", Arthur confirmed the unasked question and Merlin smiled.
Only a second after, Arthur had Merlin in his arms again. And he sighed into the kiss he had been so scared off before.
It wasn't scary anymore.