I am ... tired, I thinkXD
I kinda really want the story to end. But I also like how it's developing. It's just.... so LONG. Why on earth do I keep doing this to myself?
Also, this chapter feels more like Arthur's mind ranting conclusions and interpretations. It was fun to write. I hope you like it XD

(also, random sketch because I love Merlin's boots)

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Everything up until this point had felt so slow and stretched in time.
But the moment Tanus had appeared, everything suddenly happened in the blink of an eye.

The fire was illuminating and dangerous. Hot fiery rage, that's what this was.
Arthur send Merlin's regrets towards it, hoping they had the power to extinguish the fire.
Wave after wave of steam, Arthur send it's way, but he was feeling dryer and dryer by the second.

And Merlin, the idiot, was still standing uselessly by Arthur. Watching him with wide eye, because Arthur was using magic to fight a feeling.

A feeling....
Arthur managed to dodge one of those fiery wings and pushed Merlin away alongside him.
They were on the bottom of the sea now.
"Merlin, I said, run!", Arthur heaved through gritted teeth at Merlin, as they hid behind a wet rock.

"Are you nuts? I can't leave you here!", Merlin said, an shuddered at the mere thought of leaving Arthur's side.

"Merlin, I'm a warrior!"

"Are you planning to FIGHT this thing?", Merlin's eyes were wide in shock. As though Arthur had gone insane. "I thought you wanted them to see sense?"
"Yes. By FIGHTING them!", Arthur growled back, utterly confused.
"They are attacking us, Merlin. We HAVE to defend ourselves!"

Merlin's expression slacked. "Didn't you LISTEN to what Gaius said?"

Arthur blinked. "Huh?"
"Gaius said, NOT to fight these creatures under ANY circumstances! You can't attack them! You have to TALK to them!"

Arthur's jaw dropped, as he considered Merlin's words.
"Merlin, this ... is a giant dragon, made of fire, it's going to kill us."
"Arthur -", Merlin seemed hopeless, with all those tears about to spill in his eyes.
"Is that what they look like?"

It was quiet for one moment. Arthur blinked with realization. Oh god, he had totally forgotten, Merlin couldn't SEE them. Tanus was but a shadow to him. "Merlin, Tanus is your hatred."

Merlin quivered.
"Whatever they are, they're still a PART of me. What do you think happens, when they die?"

Arthur fell silent. They exchanged important glances.
"What do you suggest. Should we run?", Arthur asked this incredulously.
No wonder. The past few hours, he had been facing all kinds of Merlin's regrets to create a weapon that Merlin was supposed to use to destroy his fears.
Surely, Tanus wasn't his fears. But Merlin's fears followed the same rules as Tanus existence did.
GOD, Merlin couldn't even SEE them. He didn't even KNOW what they were fighting!

Was there an even bigger monster out there, waiting for them?
What did Merlin's fear look like? How was he supposed to fight it, without fighting it? Would Merlin even be able to recognize his own fears? (6)

"Arthur, I can not run from myself. I've made decisions I regret."

"I know.", Arthur frowned, slightly scared himself.
"I have to face them eventually."

"Merlin, this isn't your regrets. This is your hatred. Your anger. Are you planning on getting yourself killed by them?"

Merlin's shivering intensified. Arthur placed a gentle hand on Merlin's shoulders. "You don't have to be scared, Merlin."

"But I AM!", Merlin retorted.
There was a glance in his eyes. As though his words had switched a button a golden light reflected in them. Only shortly.

But Arthur noticed. That.... that was magic. Undeniable magic. It radiated from his eyes like waves. Then, he could hear nothing anymore.
There was a stillness that settled over the chaos. Deafened the cries of Tanus blazing rage and the sounds Rayleigh made while trying to fight them.
The golden light grew and grew, bigger and brighter into a bubble of silence.

It was.... it was a barrier.

In that moment, the penny dropped.
Arthur stared at the golden wall that slowly lost it's color and became invisible. It was the same barrier that had greeted them into this world.

The steam, the power that Arthur had been given, lifted away from him. He would have tried to catch it, if he wasn't rendered motionless and breathless. And he knew that trying to get it back was utterly pointless.

The barrier.
It had never been created by Rayleigh or Tanus or any of those creatures, had it? Arthur had assumed it had been. But that was not the case, was it?
No.
It was a creature, a feeling itself.
Nothing grew within.

And those shadows? They mostly lived outside the barrier. Why was that? Why had Arthur not wondered about that before? Why the castle had been so empty? Maybe, only those could enter that Merlin trusted.
Such as his sense for protection. Merlin's confidence in his protecting abilities was big enough to give him some control over his fears.
Merlin's lights of guidance, his hopes, they lived inside the castle he had build in this world.

His regrets could not enter. Because Merlin was afraid of what he had done.
Of the decisions he made.
You needed to be special to get inside Merlin's barrier fears.

Everything inside was quiet and deafened. Because silence was as frightening as it was calming.

Arthur closed his eyes. He was such an idiot. He was so blind.
"Merlin.", he said slowly.

Sad man was staring at the barrier in fear, uncertain where it had come from.
"Are we save now?", Merlin asked confused, recognizing the barrier for what it was. Not for what it meant.

"Merlin, what are you scared of?", Arthur ignored Merlin's catching, watching his reaction carefully instead.

Merlin stared back at Arthur, like he had gone mad.
"Erm, maybe the giant dragon made of hatred and fire? As you so wonderfully described it!", Merlin didn't understand the question. He looked lost and confused and mildly scandalized by the stupidity of Arthur's question.

"No.", Arthur shook his head. "No you're not."
It dawned on him, why Merlin couldn't use magic. He had a wild guess and he was determined to get to the bottom of his theory.

"Arthur -"

Arthur stood up and left Merlin sitting there, before he braced himself and walked forward.

The barrier, thankfully, was smaller than the other barriers that Merlin had set up inside this realm.
It took him a few steps to get outside it. Once more, steam entered his lungs. Power flooding through his veins as he breathed in the magic of regret and suffering.
Of course, of all the magic potential Merlin and him shared, it was this. This... knowledge, this feeling of destiny on your shoulders. The responsibility, the mistakes.
He could feel the weight of the entire sea sitting right there, on his back. It should be impossible to bear, but Arthur could. Because if there was one thing he had always done, it was bear burdens that were too heavy to bear for one man alone.

Tanus stood before him. Hot and fiery as they had before.

This entire world, Arthur recognized in a sudden moment of clarity, was made of metaphors.

The sea, a salty ocean was made of regrets and tears. Raging and calming, deep, dark, foreboding and impossible to predict.

The kantlitz were guiding lights in the dark. Like the moon and the stars in a quiet night.

The forest was breathing life and calmness. A sensation of hope.

Merlin's home had been represented in five figures that meant the world to him.

Even Rayleigh was a falcon. Merlin's protective side, the side that represented the core of his very nature was a bird. A free spirit. A ..... Arthur huffed as he finally made sense of the joke. A Merlin.

The barrier that "protected" everything Merlin had build in his life with was made of fear. A fragile form of protection, Arthur shuddered.

His hatred was blazing fire. And, as Arthur realized with a frown, it had emerged from a creature made of wood and moss. Things that his father had instructed to use to build pyres.
And it was lightened by Merlin's hatred for himself and Uther's reign.
That's how Tanus had been born.
That's why they were so young. Merlin had never had any reason to hate someone, until the day he saw his first execution in Camelot.

Children might be mad sometimes, but it's never as blazing and raging as this creature was right now.

But never, ever in a million years, could Arthur imagine Merlin hating HIM.

Merlin couldn't dwell on his own regrets, because Arthur gave them meaning. Protecting Arthur gave him power.
Believing in Arthur gave him strength, purpose and a wise calmness that was so rare in a human being, that Arthur had never managed to conceive how it was MERLIN of all people, who bore that quality.

Merlin was right. They should not be fighting any of these creatures. But they had to face them. ARTHUR had to face them.
Had to acknowledge who Merlin was. Every single side of him. And accept it. As did Merlin. Because even Merlin was blind to parts if himself.

Merlin was not afraid of his emotions. Merlin had never been afraid of emotions. Merlin was scared that he would be unable to protect Arthur.
He was scared that his current lack of magic would in the end, be Arthur's doom.
And in that fear, he had created that barrier. That barrier that took away his powers.

Arthur guessed, that Merlin was only unable to use magic and control it, because he was scared. He had only tried to use magic inside the barrier so far. Just now, his magic had acted up to CREATE that barrier.
Arthur guessed, that if he would finally step out, he'd be either able to use magic, or be so afraid, he'd create another one around himself. In which he would be unable to use magic again.
Where using magic would hurt him.

This, of course, was merely a theory. A wild one at that. Arthur's mind had never been such a racing mess. But he knew Merlin.
Deep, deep down, he knew everything he needed to know about Merlin. There were things – shadows – he couldn't see, of course.

But he could finally see Merlin for who he was. And – Arthur found – he wasn't any different from the Merlin he had always known. Everything he was figuring out just added to that reassurance.

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When Tanus noticed Arthur again, they dived for him. Their eyes were wide open, as was their giant snout.

Somewhere, Merlin screamed inside that barrier. But no one could hear him. Because the barrier of fear shielded and silenced him.
But Arthur – Arthur found himself strangely calm.
Even as the flames suddenly surrounded him, he didn't feel fear. He closed his eyes instead.

The flames licked at him, and for just a moment, Arthur thought now was the moment he would burn and die. That maybe, he had miscalculated and just doomed himself.

But he didn't. He hadn't. No. Of course he wouldn't die. Of course Merlin would never hurt him.
Because even his hatred to him, was limited to bickering and banter. And that's exactly what those flames felt like on his skin.
They felt like fun, excitement. Joy even. That was not hatred. Not at all.

As the sea was made up of many many emotions, memories and regrets, maybe even Tanus was made of more than one emotion. Why else, were their limbs falling off all the time?
Why else, did they seem so strangely incomplete, no matter in which form?

When Arthur opened his eyes again, Tanus was already stumbling backwards.
White blazing eyes suddenly turned to black dots again. Confused, Tanus stared down at Arthur. Recognition in their eyes.

And then, another blazing light blinded Arthur's sight.
Tanus immediately burned up. Ashes covering the sky, as they shrunk and shrunk and....
A staff, not unlike the one Tanus had held in their hands the moment they met, clanked to the ground. Right in front of Arthur's feet. It fell from where Tanus returned to their own body.

Arthur stared at the staff. He knew that glowing light coming from the crystal at the top. He recognized the dragon that twirled around it protectively.
He knew that watery metallic silver that was it's hilt. And the vines, he thought, must have been added when the sword had been forged in a dragon's breath.
Well... a fiery dragon's burning body made of hatred... but also joy?

The sword had been molten into a quarterstaff. A weapon – no – a tool. Worthy of only one man.
Merlin.

Arthur bend down to pick it up and twirled it around.

Suddenly, coughing noises erupted from a small creatures mouth. They were coughing out smoke and ashes and their limbs were made of wilting and unwilting leafs.

"Hi, Tanus.", Arthur smiled at them and patted them on the shoulder.
Just a few minutes ago, Arthur had been so determined to fight and kill them. He had been so scared.
It was ironic, Arthur thought. Merlin must have been incredibly scared of the pyre himself. Of everything Tanus represented. And yet, Tanus as well, had always been able to pass the barrier of fear. Sneaky and unseen by Merlin.

Arthur wondered why. Maybe Merlin needed his hatred in a way that other people didn't understand. Maybe he needed his hatred to be able to fight the evil that dared overthrow Arthur.

His hatred wasn't directed at magic users, or Camelot. It was directed at those who abused their powers.
Maybe, Merlin's hatred was meant for Morgana. Maybe, this time it had inflamed because Merlin thought he was abusing his own powers. His powers that were about to destroy everything he had build up.
Maybe, he was also afraid of all that.

And that, Arthur concluded, must be the reason why he could always see Tanus and the barrier.
It must also be the reason why Merlin couldn't see Tanus himself.
Merlin didn't recognize them as hatred.
Merlin didn't see hatred in magic.

Because.... that's not what magic was.

Arthur inspected Tanus and reconsidered everything he knew about magic. And about Tanus.

Not everyone's eyes here were golden. The memory people's eyes weren't. Tanus's eyes weren't. They were black dots. Nothing more.
Maybe, because hatred wasn't a magical emotion. As regrets weren't either.
Maybe emotions itself weren't magical at all.
Maybe Merlin had just granted some of his emotions the courtesy of using magic. Because ..... maybe that was the choice you could make as someone who was born with magic.
And NOT given the choice NOT to use magic at all.

Merlin chose HOW to use it. And his hatred .... his hatred was given the right to admire magic.
Was allowed to nurture it. But never, to use it.

"Hi.", Tanus said back. Disoriented in their position.

"It's good to have you back.", Arthur said and felt how the regrets started to rain down on them, instead of the fire.
It was calming in a strange way.

Tanus looked down in shame. They didn't say anything.
And finally, Rayleigh landed next to them both, as Merlin finally found the courage to run passed the barrier towards them as well.

Arthur grabbed the staff tightly, receiving nothing but odd looks from everyone around them.
"I think, we should get back to the castle.
I'm tired. We could all need some rest."

"I don't think it would be wise for me to..."
"Nonsense, Tanus. We're going back.", Arthur decided. And waved a hand. All three of his companions were suddenly grabbed by the water around them, all while Arthur was gently lifted by it from beneath him.
Soon, they were placed back on the shore. The calm sea being filled calmy be the rain around them.
The surface, reflected about a hundred million of sleeping kantliz in the sky. None of the drops managed to disturbe the silence.

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(6) I would like to point out, that I have totally forgotten that Merlin can't see Tanus. It may have occurred that Merlin does describe Tanus in this story before this moment.
I have not gone back to check on it. Please forgive me for that possible mistake. I've had a long, eventful week and had basically no time to focus on the story. I hope it still makes sense.