The image of Merlin laying still and pale on the kitchen floor was the first thing he saw.

When the shock had left his bones and he stopped freezing, he was by Merlins side in no time. Gently he lifted him up and shook him. "Merlin?" he asked frightened. "Merlin please don't do this to me. I know what happened. I know who I am, I know who you are. Please Merlin don't leave me now... I can't lose you anymore..." Silent tears began to fell and when Arthur started to sob he felt a weak pressure around his wrist he barely even noticed. He looked down, filled with hope and saw how Merlins eyes fluttered open. "Don't worry, Prat." He saw how Merlins lips formed the words, but he didn't really hear them. "Don't worry?" he asked outraged, but relieved. "Since I know you, I do nothing but worry about you. And now I find you, on the floor, looking like your dead... Merlin, how could I not worry?" Merlins eyes were closed again, but a shallow, weak breath told Arthur that Merlin was still alive. "Hey." he said and saw how Merlins tired eyes fluttered open once again.

"What happened Merlin?" Merlin closed his eyes embarrassed. "It was too much." he whispered ashamed. "I couldn't stand it anymore..."  "What was to much? Merlin what have you done?" Then Arthur saw it. The little box with pills near them told him everything he needed to know. "Okay that's it." Arthur decided. "I take you to the hospital." "No." Merlin shook his head as rapidly as he could in his current state. "Please don't Arthur. I'll be fine without it." "Merlin, you nearly died! Like hell you're fine!" Arthur shouted and Merlin winced. "I know that I'm not fine, like fine Arthur, but the hospital won't change that. No one can change that." and after a short pause he added a little, whispered: "No one expect you." Merlin looked him directly in the eyes and when Arthur had had his doubts before, he was totally sure now. Merlin loved him as well as he loved Merlin. "Then tell me what I can do." Arthur answered gently and Merlin smiled. It was still a broken smile, but it was an honest one. "Could you hold me? Please?" Merlin asked and Arthur immediately remembered those words. "Of course I can." he answered softly and placed Merlins head right in his lap. "Merlin?" he asked a while latter and tiredly the other one made a sound that told him to continue. "Did you know that there had been one more thing, I wanted to tell you, before I died?" Weakly Merlin shook his head and opened his eyes to look at Arthur. "What was it?" he asked. "That I love you Merlin." Arthur answered honestly.

But Merlin just looked at him and answered sadly: "Oh Arthur... You don't have to lie to me. It would be great, but please don't lie to me just to make me feel better. That you are back is enough." Arthur shook his head. "No Merlin, you get me wrong. My words are nothing but the truth." On which Merlin didn't respond anything. It worried Arthur, but then he thought that it would be the best for Merlin to get a little sleep. When Merlin woke up and felt strong enough to walk again, he realized that Arthur had fallen asleep. Carefully he stood up, trying not to wake Arthur, which luckily worked. Then, still dizzy, he stumbled towards his bedroom and literally fell into his bed.

When Arthur woke up on the next morning and Merlin was nowhere to be seen, he doubted his sanity. But then he walked towards Merlins bedroom, to find him there, finally sleeping. Again Arthur saw how scrawny Merlin was and how lost he looked in the huge bed. "Merlin?" he whispered, when he heard how Merlin started to mumble things. But Merlin didn't wake up. So Arthur stepped closer, so close that he was able to understand Merlins words. In the beginning he heard nothing but single short words, like "No" or "But" but then Merlin started to move more and his words became louder and more. It didn't take long till Arthur was able to hear whole sentences. "Please, no!" he heard Merlin beg. "No don't! I swear I'll take his place." the lost: "Please, I just got him back, you can't take him away now." nearly broke Arthurs heart. He placed a hand on Merlins shoulder and shook him carefully, but when the exhausted Warlock refused to wake up he shook him harder. "Please Merlin, you have to weak up. It's just a dream." he said when Merlin started to cry in his sleep. Then, finally, Merlins eyes flew open. They went wide in shock and it looked like he wasn't even recognizing Arthur. He tried to get up, muttering: "Fuck, how could I fall asleep? I swore not to sleep till I found the danger. How could I be so stupid?" Arthur grabbed his wrist and pushed him back to the bed. "Merlin look at me." he said, his voice strong and Merlin did as he was told. "I am save okay? And you are save too. But now you have to get some rest okay?" Merlin wanted to fight back, but the warm bed and Arthurs assuring words made him feel more tired than he had felt for years, at least without pills, which made sleeping a lot easier, and so he did not fight back and nodded instead. He closed his eyes and welcomed the sleep as it took him.

By noon Arthur was back, a huge bowl of noodle soup in his hands. Merlin looked at him sleepy, when he said his name and Arthur helped him to sit up. "Come on Merlin, it's time for lunch." But Merlin shook his head. "I'm not hungry Arthur." he mumbled, looking down. Arthur frowned at his words. "Please Merlin, just a little bit. This isn't healthy." And when Merlin looked back in Arthurs eyes and saw the pleading look he just nodded. "Fine." he said, but when he wanted to eat, his hands were shaking, like the first time Arthur had seen him in this life. Merlin put the bowl down beside him, nearly spilling it all over his blankets. Ashamed he looked down on his hands. "Could you help me?" he asked, and again, he sounded like a lost little child doing so. Arthur nodded. "Of course Merlin. Move a little bit."
And so they sat in Merlins bed, Arthur feeding Merlin soup and Merlin slowly recovering.

It took a few days for Merlin to do a full recovery, and so they had many hours to talk. In the beginning it was hard for Merlin to tell Arthur all those things that had happened after his death, but after some time had passed Merlin really felt how it helped him to talk about what had happened.

It took Arthur some time to ask, but when Merlin had said nothing at all for a while Arthur asked carefully: "Can you tell me Merlin, what it was you cried about the night we met?" Merlin thought about it for a moment, then he nodded. "You must have realized how much I can identify with the songs, that played that night." A short nod from Arthur and Merlin continued. "Well I play them when it gets too much. That day, several things had happened that made it too much. First of all, it had been your anniversary, those are..." he took a dep shaky breath "Rough in general. Second of all I had met someone that reminded me so much of Lancelot, but... Well it turned out that he was just an arsehole." Merlin said, remembering the guy that looked so much like Lancelot and also behaved like him at first, but then started to insult him and tried to kiss him against his will. "It had just been really much." He ended it quickly.

A few days later Arthur and Merlin sat at the kitchen table. Merlin looked way better, also if he still was broken, but... he healed. Then Arthur asked him: "You know that I meant what I said, don't you Merlin?" Merlin looked up and asked: "What you said?" "Yes what I said Merlin, about loving you." Merlins eyes went wide in shock. "I thought you had just said it... Are you sure that you mean it? As I said you don't have to say it just to protect me. I'll be okay if you don't love me back. You really don't have to lie, it is all fine. I am used to loving you while you don't love me. Hell I'm even used to loving you, when you're not th-" He was stopped by Arthur who stood right in front of him. "As I said Merlin, I do love you. I mean it like that. And if you want to, I'd love to kiss those delicious lips of yours now." Merlin could do nothing but swallow and nod. And from then on it got better.

None of them would lie and say that it was all fine, when Merlin would become extremely anxious some days or when Arthur was scared to talk to his father about him loving another man. None of them would say that they were fine, when Merlin still woke up from nightmares way to often or when Arthur received the message that Uther refused it to call himself Arthurs father "as long as he betrayed the name of the Pendragons like that", but they stood through all of it together and maybe they were not fine all the time, but they had each other and the love they shared and with that, they could be okay with most of it. And maybe, after all they had been through "okay" was enough.