Chapter Ten;

Soleil didn't truly start trembling until she collapsed on the bed.

Sure, she'd been shaking in battle before, but that hadn't been pure fear. More than half the reason for that had been the rush of adrenaline in her veins, seeking to keep her alive. When Soleil thought back on the past few hours, it was like a blur. She had the sensation that she'd drifted through that entire battle. It didn't seem entirely real.

Stay alive. Stay alive. That had been her dominating thought.

Now back on the Ghost, Soleil had handed the blaster back to Kanan. She had smiled and laughed with the others, determined not to let it show just how shaken she was. If she did, then she was sure it would lead to more protection and sheltering, and it would be hard for her to gain a similar opportunity once more.

Now she was alone, no longer supported by the weight of her own two feet. Soleil's mask slipped off and fear, pure fear, rushed over her like a tidal wave and she trembled, lost for breath.

She could have died. That was the thought that scared her the most. At any time during that battle, she could have been shot. Soleil had been lucky – but would she still be lucky in the next battle, and the next? No one's luck held out forever. Eventually one stray bolt, one lapse of concentration, would kill her.

Soleil stared at her hands and for a moment, she swore she saw blood on them, but it turned out only to be dirt. 

Oh stars... people were dead because of her. She'd taken lives.

She'd been on the verge of death for so long, and had sent others over the edge. She shook violently.

"Soleil? You there?"

Soleil tried to control herself as Sabine entered the room, but she'd let herself go too far. She'd fallen over the edge, and there was now no ledge to hold onto to even stagger her fall. She was freefalling in plain sight for everyone to see, including Sabine Wren.

As soon as Sabine lay eyes on Soleil, her eyes widened. "Hey, you okay?" she demanded, running over to sit beside Soleil. She wrapped an arm around Soleil's waist.

"No. Just..." Soleil shuddered and closed her eyes. "The aftermath. It's finally catching up with me."

"Ah. I see."

With her free hand, Sabine sought out Soleil's own. Sabine's hand wasn't gentle: it was rough, calloused, scarred. They were warrior's hands. Yet there was something gentle about them, too. They radiated warmth, and the fingers were slender, holding her hand as though she was a sculpture.

These hands destroyed things. But they also were the hands of a creator.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Soleil," Sabine said seriously. "This was your first battle, and you've never had any combat experience before. Not even a simulation! Yet you held your own." She grinned. "That's more than many people can claim. You did good."

"Even if I feel like this?" Soleil gestured to her trembling body.

"You want to know a secret?" Sabine leaned in close, her lips just a breath away from Soleil's ears. The proximity made Soleil shiver. "It's natural. I was terrified after my first battle. But you'll get used to it. You're strong, Soleil. You were independent in that battle. You'll go far."

Soleil stared. She couldn't imagine Sabine Wren, of all people, afraid. Sabine was the boldest, fiercest person she knew. Opinionated and individual, she didn't let anyone speak for her. Sabine left her mark wherever she went.

But Soleil had known her only for a few days, when Sabine had already become a veteran. The thought that Sabine had once been in Soleil's position but had risen to the person she was today gave Soleil hope.

"Thanks." She offered Sabine a hesitant smile.

Sabine elbowed her in the side. "When I'm distracted, I usually paint. Maybe you should try that."

"Sounds good."

They smiled at each other, and Soleil would have followed Sabine if at that moment that door hadn't opened to reveal Kanan.

"Soleil... we need to talk."

At once, the cube in her pocket instantly gained a tonne. Soleil bit her lip and unconsciously moved her hand to cover the lump in her pocket. She was sure that it was blaringly obvious that she had it in her possession: as bright and unmissable as a flare in the sky.

Soleil wanted to shut the door in Kanan's face. Better yet, she wanted to rip the cube from her pocket and put it back where it belonged. Maybe that would untie the knot of guilt in her stomach. It was possible Kanan hadn't discovered it yet, if he hadn't checked the area he'd stored it.

Before she could do anything, Sabine got to her feet. "Sounds serious. I'll leave you guys to it." She winked at Soleil and strolled leisurely from the room.

Soleil gulped when the door closed – the event she wished to occur, but not in the manner she desired. Kanan wasn't on the other side. He was in the room with her. There was no way she could evade him now.

Inwardly, Soleil was already formulating her defence. Don't kick me out because I stole something! I can't even explain it but it wanted me to take it and I know that sounds crazy but it's the truth!

Kanan walked over, each step foreboding as though accompanied by the sound of a deep, thundering drum. Soleil unconsciously curled up like a frightened Loth-cat when Kanan sat beside her. She tensed, awaiting the inevitable harsh reprimands that were sure to come.

She'd had enough of being lectured in the past. Those had been bad experiences, which she was not eager to repeat.

So she was surprised when the first thing Kanan did was smile, clap her on the shoulder, and say, "You did well for your first battle, Soleil. Hera and I are proud of the way you conducted yourself out there."

Soleil's jaw hit the floor.

For a moment all she could do was stare. She searched every inch of Kanan's face, awaiting the backlash, the real anger hidden within his eyes that would roar to life only when she had let her guard down, leaving her even more vulnerable.

But there was nothing like that at all.

"Y – you're not mad?" she stammered.

Kanan frowned. "Now why would I be mad?"

He sounded legitimately concerned. Soleil could feel tears in her eyes, which she blinked away.

Is this what a father's love even remotely feels like?

Soleil had never had a loving relationship with her parents. They fought bitterly. In their house, their own miniscule war had been raging: her parents the Imperials, rule-abiding and orderly; and herself, rule-breaking and headstrong. Her parents had been her enemies, though Soleil had reason to suspect they followed certain laws because they had to, rather than because they wanted to.

Bonding moments had been as rare in that house as food in a drought. Soleil had become starved for affection, which had led her to leave her home and seek some form of acceptance in Garel's spaceports – and finally led her here.

Here. Where, after only a timespan of days, the Ghost's crew had taken Soleil under their wing. Hera and Kanan had welcomed her with open arms. Sabine had dyed her hair and assisted Soleil in redecorating their shared room. Ezra looked out for her, and Zeb had only ever been kind to her. They'd trusted her with a blaster on her first mission.

Guilt then consumed her to the point Soleil felt as though she was drowning in it. Her entire face burning in shame, she thrust the cube out toward Kanan. "I'm sorry! I – I didn't mean to take it, especially after you were all so kind to me! But – there was some force that wasn't satisfied until I touched it – I don't understand it but you have to believe me! I wasn't trying to -"

"Soleil."

Kanan took the cube, placed it on the mattress, and then enclosed Soleil's hand within his two larger ones. Soleil hiccoughed and hesitantly met his gaze.

Kanan wasn't frowning. His eyebrows weren't furrowed. Rather, his eyes glimmered in amusement.

"It's okay," he said gently. "This was what I wanted to talk to you about – though not for the reasons you seem to believe."

Soleil tilted her head to the side. "I don't understand."

"Growing up the way you did, I'm not surprised." Kanan rubbed the back of his head. "What do you know of the Jedi – of the Force?"

Soleil deadpanned. She felt like she had walked into an examination for Basic, only to discover the paper was filled with complex engineering equations.

"Not much," she ventured cautiously. Was this supposed to be a test? "All I know is that you're one – and Ezra is in training? A – a Padawan? The Jedi were supposed to be the guardians of peace... they used the Force."

"In a nutshell, yes. But what you have to understand – the Jedi didn't just use the Force. The Force is alive. It binds us together, connects the galaxy. It's an energy. And it was the Jedi's greatest ally."

Soleil nodded slowly. "Okay... Interesting history lesson. But what does this have to do with me? No offence but, apart from you and Ezra... isn't the Jedi Order dead?"

Kanan flinched. Soleil's heart clawed its way up her throat. Oh no. Tactless! She hit herself mentally.

She tried to imagine being in Kanan's position. He'd have to have lost so much. Friends, teachers. Acquaintances. Most of the people he'd ever known. His entire way of life. Forced into hiding by the Empire, never able to be himself.

Like... me, in a way. Kept in check always. By my parents, the Pa'aun, the Empire.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "That was insensitive of me."

"It's fine, Soleil." Despite his words, Soleil detected pain in his words. It wasn't obvious, but it was present – like an injured soldier determined to disguise a limp. "You're wrong, however. As long as those sensitive to the Force still exist, the Jedi haven't entirely faded. Tell me about your past."

"My past?"

"Anything unusual? Feats you couldn't explain?"

Soleil frowned. She filtered through her memories for anything that could count as abnormal. It wasn't difficult to select the memories. In her bland, monotone life, there were only a few moments that stood out. They were obvious, like white against a pure black backdrop.

"Well... I used to have a visitor," she re-encountered slowly. "He came to check on me, ensure I was still loyal."

"Who was it?"

"I don't know. I never found out his name. But he was a Pa'aun – and he had funny yellow eyes."

Kanan sucked in a breath. Soleil saw recognition flicker in his eyes.

She opened her mouth to demand answers, but he waved his hands. "Keep going," he urged.

Soleil glared at him, but nonetheless divulged the most unusual moments from her past.

Her escapes – so easy, even to begin with. Her weightless falls from the window to the roof, and the ease with which she cleared the distance between her home and the wall. The feelings, the premonitions. When she sensed the crew arrive back at the Ghost when she first stowed away. The strange sensation that led her to be cube.

Soleil didn't hide anything. She figured that made up for probing about Kanan's past, and taking the object. When she finished, Kanan nodded to himself. He held his chin in his hand.

"So they knew as well," he mumbled.

"Knew what?"

Soleil was tired of these vague half-answers which, in her book, weren't real answers at all. She'd been kept in the dark for so long. She didn't want it to ever happen again.

Kanan chuckled. "Don't you see, Soleil? Not everyone has these feelings of yours." He held up the cube previously discarded on the bunk. "This isn't just a cube. It's a Jedi Holocron – a sacred object. There's a reason it called out to you."

Soleil felt like a droid that had shut down. All she could do was stare, and process only the most recent information handed to her.

"You're saying... I'm Force sensitive," she said flatly.

She didn't associate the term with herself. It was crazy. Soleil Foxe, child of the Empire, born with the same powers as the ancient Jedi? The same Order the Empire eradicated?

"I am. Only Force sensitive beings could be led to the Holocron the way you were. It happened to Ezra as well."

Stars. Soleil shook her head.

"But I'm nothing," she tried to protest. "I don't even know how to fight efficiently!"

Kanan raised an eyebrow. "Really? Considering your performance in your last battle, I'd argue differently. Despite never having touched a blaster before, your shots were more accurate than the average beginner, and your reflexes were faster than usual. Most people in their first fights would freeze, as exposed as you were. Yet you fought back. Some other force was assisting you, Soleil. Surely you noticed that."

Soleil opened her mouth, then closed it again. Memories of the battle flashed across her mind. She hadn't noticed it at the time, caught up in adrenaline as she was, but now she reflected back on it from a calmer time, she thought she recognised the presence of something more.

"If that was the case... Why wasn't it noticed before?"

"But it was. Your visitor, the Pa'aun... Ezra and I have had personal experience with him. He was the Grand Inquisitor, leader of the Inquisitors. He and his followers seek out to find former Jedi and destroy them, or locate Force sensitive beings and brainwash them, and add them to the Inquisitor's ranks so they cannot become Jedi, cannot become a threat." Kanan frowned. "For some reason, you were never taken to become an Inquisitor. My best guess is that your parents couldn't bear to let you go and struck a deal: your isolation and control in Imperial hands, for you to remain with your family. The Grand Inquisitor visited you often to ensure you were still loyal to the Empire."

Everything about her past was beginning to fall into place like the final pieces of a puzzle. Yet there was one detail that eluded her.

Soleil bit her lip. "He stopped visiting. If it was so important I remain purely Imperial, why did he stop showing up?"

"That might have had something to do with us. I made him fall to his death."

"Oh."

Soleil glanced at Kanan out of the corner of her eye. Somehow, the news had changed her perception of him. Somehow, he appeared tougher. More weathered. She knew he was a rebel, but now she saw him a warrior.

Solei scratched her chin. "So what does this all have to do with me?"

Once again, Kanan grasped her shoulder.

"You could make us of it," he urged. "You could be like Ezra – train to become a Jedi. I can teach you how to use the Force, if you want."

Soleil swallowed.

Was that what she wanted?

Soleil looked at her hands, mulling it over. What was it that she most wanted? Did she need the Force?

"I don't know, Kanan," she sighed eventually. "All I've ever wanted to be was normal. Not an Imperial kid, not someone privileged or powerful. I just wanted to be me, and make a difference that way. I'm not sure I want to learn how to use these powers."

Kanan nodded once. He remained expressionless, though Soleil thought she detected a flicker of disappointment in his eyes. "I can't force you. Just think about it, okay?"

Soleil agreed, though it was a half-hearted gesture. Kanan smiled, squeezed her shoulder, then left the room.

He closed the door behind him, and Soleil's only company became that of her own thoughts.