~From the wave of unexpectedness I do not know how to come to terms with it. I still have not woken up, maybe this is for real and not happening in some make-believe universe~

Kyle
The second the question enters my ears, I feel everything inside me freeze up. It takes me very little time to process his question and how I am going to answer it. I stand up off the couch and grab my phone. I have to get out of here; this has all been moving way too fast for my comfort zone to handle. Thank the lord I drove myself here because asking Stan for a ride right now would be really awkward. How was I able to let myself get this far? I planned to never see him again. Why would I agree to come to his home and talk to him? I hear Stan leave the couch as well.

"Kyle, where are you going?"

"I have to go, I'll go change out of your clothes," I tell Stan, reaching for my clothes I neatly folded last night before going to sleep.

"But Kyle-"

"I have to go."

As I begin to head off towards the bathroom, I feel a hand on my shoulder spin me back around, "Just tell me, yes or no?"

"I-I have to go, I'm sorry," I do not even know what to do right now, so I just proceed on my route to the bathroom.

"Am I this hard to be around?"

I pause in my tracks and sigh, my back to him, "That's not what it is."

"Then tell me what it is!" Stan exclaims.

I feel my feet take the last few steps to reach the bathroom. I close the door behind me frantically. There is something holding me back from telling him, the whole reason I left. I left because I never wanted to get hurt over this. Preventing my heart from getting broken was the decision I felt was a necessity at the time. There is no chance Stan has the same feelings that I do; I just cannot picture him returning my feelings. He did hold me when I kissed him, he did not reject me. However, that could have been the wine and he could have just been doing that because he thought it would just be a one time thing. I begin to remove the pajamas. I know he is right outside the door.

"Kyle, please come out here," From the tone of his voice, he seems to know that this situation is overwhelming for me.

"I'm gonna change," I say through a very uneven voice, here comes my anxiety to fuck with me.

"Look, I didn't mean to make you upset. I just feel like I've done something to make you hate me. After last night, I'm really fucking confused," Stan explains from outside the door.

I slip my shirt over my head, "I don't hate you."

"Kyle, just talk to me, please," He is asking nicely, it is making me feel like a shithead again.

I finish getting dressed in my clothes from last night and fix my hair with my fingers as best I can. After that, I know what is next: Facing Stan. If I want to be a good person and try and fix the damage I have done, I do need to fess up. No matter how hard telling Stan the truth may be, he does deserve to know what the hell is going on. From the sounds of it, the kiss was no eye opener. He did not receive my message. It was not specific enough. Another one would probably not help. I have to say something to him. Ignoring him more will just piss him off more. I exit the bathroom, trying to prepare myself for the unknown reality waiting to wrap itself around me.

"I've been thinking about calling off my engagement."

"What?" Stan's eyebrows go up in surprise, "Why?"

"I...I honestly don't know if I ever loved him. He barely acts like I exist anymore," Saying this gives me a stab of pain in my heart, actually it is not pain, it is the feeling of revealing the hardcore truth.

"Then why did you say yes?" Stan wonders curiously.

"I was running from my feelings," I say.

Stan asks, "What feelings?"

"I didn't want to get hurt, I didn't want to deal with the rejection from the other person."

"Rejection? Kyle, who would reject you?"

"You."

His look is not confusion, it is realization. So, there it is; it is finally out in the open for him to deal with the way he decides to. The way he decides to, which is completely unknown to me. I have been in a back and forth war with myself, convincing myself that I need to tell him and also being scared shitless to do so. No, I did not flat out say it, but what I just said will hopefully help him realize that I wanted, and technically still want him to be more than just my friend. Lance is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. The problem with that statement is that Lance has no idea. Like Wendy has been saying, I need to talk to him. I know I do, and I will. Now where was I? Oh yeah, waiting for Stan to say something, or respond in some way to what I had just revealed.

"So...you do like me, then?"

I could shake my head and tell Stan I love him, but instead I just say, "Yeah."

"And...this is why you stopped talking to me? 'Cause you thought I would reject you?"

"It was getting hard to be around you every day and deal with the fact that nothing would ever happen," I start to slowly step away from him towards the living room.

"Seems like you had it all figured out," His tone is filled with sarcasm.

  I face him, "What?"

"Who told you nothing would ever happen?" He asks me, looking me straight in the eyes.

"I-"

"Kyle you didn't even bother to tell me, how would you of known nothing would ever happen?" What is he even saying?

"What the hell are you-"

"Do I look uncomfortable with what you just said?" He steps towards me.

"No but-"

Stan continues to walk towards me, "Did you forget that we were best friends and you could of told me anything?"

My feet seem to be carrying me backwards, "I know I could have told you anything but-"

"But this was the one thing that you thought was too risky to tell me?"

"I didn't want to wreck our friendship," I tell him truthfully, even though I wrecked it later on by leaving South Park.

"You know me like the back of your hand, Kyle. You know I wouldn't judge you or be weird about it," Stan says softly.

"I didn't know what your reaction would be," I am only a few steps away from my back being right against Stan's front door.

"Then I won't make you wait any longer for one."

Right after he says that, my back suddenly hits the door; I gasp from the unexpected contact with it. Stan's hands cup my face as he locks our lips passionately. My own hands fly out like a reflex and hold onto his sides. This has to be a dream, a dream I have had time and time again. My mind has gone hazy, very hazy. The world only consists of me and Stan right now, or at least it feels that way. Why is he doing this? It does not make sense for him to have mutual feelings because then I would for sure know I am in a dream right now. I begin to find myself wanting to pull away to find out why the hell he is doing this, but I have never been in such a state of bliss over a kiss that I cannot pull away. Fifteen or so seconds go by, then another fifteen, his lips will not quit.

I quietly gasp as I bring myself to pull away. From the wave of unexpectedness I do not know how to come to terms with it. I still have not woken up, maybe this is for real and not happening in some make-believe universe. I look at Stan who holds my bottom lip in his fingers. He has his eyes locked on it. Both my eyes witness his tongue sneakily run over his top lip. Did he put hard liquor in his coffee or something? Did he take a hit of something? I cannot help but wonder why he did this and what this means. My brain cannot even find words to form sentences right now.

"You good, Ky?" Ky. I have not heard that nickname from him in years.

"That's a uh...complicated question," Hey! I can form sentences!

"You look a little out of it."

"Good eye work," I glance at him while I speak my sarcastic compliment.

"Seriously though, you okay?" Stan asks with genuine concern.

"I don't know, my mind is going a million miles a second," I look down and run a hand through my hair.

"Do you wanna stay and talk?"

"I should get back to Wendy's, maybe another night. I just need a little time to get my head straight."

"All right. Have Wendy give you my number, text me when you're free," Stan responds, going to open up the door for me.

"Okay," I step out into the hallway, making sure I have my phone and keys, "Bye."

  Stan stands there holding the door, "Bye."

I want to stay, but I know I should go back to Wendy's and regroup with myself. So much happened in such a short amount of time. Not once, but twice, two times Stan and I had our lips connected and all I can say is, it was more magical than any kiss I have ever shared with Lance. Oh my god, Lance. I just shared more than one intimate moment with someone other than my fiancé. I have done something very unfaithful. Just as I begin to rethink about everything that has just happened, Wendy's contact photo pops up as well as the sound of the ringtone I have assigned for her. Looking both ways, I quickly cross the parking lot and make it to my rental car. My phone is still ringing when I sit myself in the driver's seat. I finally answer after the fifth ring.

"Hey, Wen. I'm on my way back now."

"My apartment manager came and did a surprise inspection. She said she has noticed someone else coming and going from here a lot and asked me about it," Wendy sounds a little panicky.

"What did you say?" I start the engine.

"I said I have had a friend staying here and there, but not every night, little white lie."

"What did she say to that?"

"She brought a copy of my lease, since I signed the forms that said only one resident would be living here, I cannot have a roommate until after my lease is over," Wendy sighs.

"Jesus Christ, I'm sorry," I say leaving Stan's apartment complex.

"It's something to do with the rent, it goes by how many people live in the apartment and the income of each resident. She told me I cannot change how many people live in my apartment because the lease is already signed and ongoing. She said if you do not leave in three days I could be evicted," My best friend's voice is a bit on edge.

"That's ridiculous!" I exclaim coming up on a red light.

"Kyle, I don't know what to do. I don't want to get evicted but I don't want to kick you out!"

"Let's talk about this when I get there okay? Just hang tight, I'll be there soon and we will get this all sorted out," I explain.

"All right. Thank you," Wendy lets out a deep breath.

"See you soon."

This is messed up. Wendy's apartment manager seems to have a very strict way of doing things. Sounds pretty ridiculous if you ask me. I cannot let Wendy get evicted, I will not let it happen. My parent's house was going to be my place to stay, but that stupid furnace had to break. It was a little cold when I was there for dinner, even though my mom had space heaters going. If I cannot stay with Wendy and I cannot stay with my parents, then it will probably have to be back to a hotel for me. That is going to get expensive, goddamnit. I arrive back at Wendy's apartment. She is out grabbing the mail when I step out of the car. I make my way over to her after making sure my rental car is locked.

Wendy turns, "You got here fast."

"Not a lot of traffic," I reply.

"Let's go, it's chilly out here," I follow Wendy back inside.

We get inside the apartment, I eye the air mattress I have been sleeping on, "This had to of been another giveaway."

"I would have put it away if I had known she would be doing an inspection," Wendy runs her hands through her hair, looking stressed out.

"Look, I'm gonna find a place to stay and you won't have to worry about anything, all right?"

"Kyle, I'm so-"

"You've done more than enough for me. I am not going to let you get evicted. I will work something out, don't worry," If I plan to work something out, I better start thinking about my options.

"If this wasn't out of my control I would give you more time, I feel terrible," Wendy looks down.

I walk closer to my best friend, hugging her, "I'll be fine. Please don't worry about it, I know it's stressful."

She stays in our hug for a little while longer before pulling away and looking at me, "How was your night over there?"

"Interesting to say the least," I answer, pulling my keys from my pocket and setting them on the table.

"Interesting in a good way?" Wendy wonders.

"I guess so."

"You guess so?" She sounds confused.

"I ended up kissing him," I reveal to her.

"How'd he react?"

"Not negatively," That is the only way I can think to describe Stan's reaction to me kissing him for the first time.

Wendy asks, "What made you do it?"

"I honestly don't know. He didn't push me off of him, which is weird," I respond.

"Why is that weird?"

"Because I never thought this would happen. I swear he drank something else other than wine last night, maybe he got high when I wasn't looking, I don't know," I begin to pace the living room.

"Kyle, what makes you say stuff like that? Do you think it's impossible for Stan to share the same feelings you do?" Wendy asks me, I can tell by her voice she wants a genuine answer.

"Yes, I do."

"Do you know I was there at his apartment at around two this morning? He said he needed to talk to me. When he was talking about you kissing him, I caught sight of this smile I don't think I have ever seen from him," I freeze from pacing.

"That's funny."

"Why would I joke about this?"

"He smiled?"

"Yes. While I did catch that smile from him, he did mention that it messed with his head a little bit. He's confused as to why you did it since you haven't spoken to him in a long time. Also because of..." Wendy stops in her sentence tracks.

"What?" I'm not far from where Wendy is.

She walks up to me, takes my hand and puts her thumb over my engagement ring. Oh, right. That makes sense why that would fuck with Stan's head. There is something I have learned about myself, I have been living a lie. I am not in love with Lance Hoasher and I never wanted to marry him. I still do not want to marry him. His charm hypnotized me and caused me to believe that spending the rest of my life with him was a great idea. This ring does not symbolize my undying love for my fiancé, all it symbolizes is that I was wrong for agreeing to marry him. It is more about how I am not in love with him than his ignorance. Unfortunately, this was not figured out sooner.

"I don't even know what this means to me anymore," My eyes focus on my ring.

"Kyle, do you see this engagement leading to marriage? This silent treatment Lance is putting on you is not something I assume you want to continue dealing with everyday," Wendy's tone has gone very serious.

The words freeze on my tongue, it takes me a few seconds to let them melt off, "No, I don't see this marriage happening, not anymore."

"Then I think you know what has to happen next."

Yeah, I do know what has to happen next. Badly enough, it will have to be done over the goddamn phone or video chat. In person would be a lot better I think, but I do not have that option at the moment. Lance's charm has dulled itself, his comforting embrace has become uncomfortable, his voice and his presence have gone AWOL. Although he has been treating me like I no longer exist, it is still not right what I did. We never agreed to an open relationship, so me kissing someone else is not right. That still does not feel real to me. My job opportunity here in Colorado has led me back to an abandoned relationship with someone who matters a great deal to me. I killed our friendship with silence, the exact same way Lance is killing our relationship. Oh my god, it came back to bite me in the ass and I know I damn well deserve it.

"I...I can't believe-"

"What's wrong?" My best friend asks.

"He's doing to me what I did to Stan. Ignore me, act like I hardly exist," These dots I have connected are painful.

"You don't deserve what Lance is doing to you," Wendy tells me with sympathy.

"No, I do, Wendy. He didn't deserve to be ignored, I saw last night how much I hurt him when he was talking to me."

"That doesn't mean you deserve the same treatment. Not every mistake we make will come with karma in the end. It was your way of dealing with your feelings, I am not saying that it was right or wrong, but I will say that no one deserves to be ignored. Not Stan, not you," She is so spot-on it scares me a little.

I sigh deeply after taking a second to process all of this, "I'm gonna go call him, get this over with."

"You can go in my room so you have privacy. Be strong, be brave. You got this," Wendy pulls me into a comforting, tight hug.

I hug her back just as tight. When we release, I put one foot in front of the other until I reach Wendy's bedroom. I shut the door and find Lance's contact in my phone. This is a conversation I have pictured happening in my head, not that I am proud of it. Lance will probably be fine, he will just continue to strive in his career and I will do my own thing with teaching. We will head separate ways and that will be that. No, I do not have it all figured out, I just have a layout of possibilities. There are no excuses for my unfaithfulness, telling Lance about all that will be a real joy ride I am sure. All right, here goes nothing. No turning back now.

"Hey."