~ It happens agonizingly slow. From the turn of our heads to the meet of each other's eyes. The connecting of them is something I thought would never happen again. Maybe if I blink, things will seem like they are not moving so leisurely~

Staying at Wendy's has been a lot cheaper than a hotel. The last few days I have helped with putting gas in the car and pitching in for meals. I bought an air mattress and a sheet set for myself. I sleep pretty well on it, actually. Even though we are best friends, I still feel like I need to ask her permission for little things like if I can grab a drink out of the fridge or something like that. I was raised by two parents who taught me to always use my manners, I guess that would be the main reasoning. My online classes have been kicking my ass, sometimes I am up past midnight working on assignments. Yes, that probably is not too late for most college students, but since I have this new education job to focus on as well, it definitely puts a strain on my sleep schedule. Officially, I have begun working beside Professor Stanner at Denver University. We have been getting along very well.

She has had me take over a lot of the times during classes. I like taking over, even if it does make my nerves a little jittery here and there. I have had to come to terms with the fact that a job like this requires top notch public speaking skills. Throughout high school, I worked on my public speaking skills when I would have to present a project to the class. It became a little easier each presentation. Professor Stanner letting me take over her class frequently gives me a taste of what my future might look like down the road. I am extremely grateful for this, I understand this does not just land in the hands of anyone. For the record, I do bust my ass for things like this. Anything I have ever gotten, I believe was earned, not just thrown my way. Now I do not mean that to sound cocky, but I do not slack off when it comes to my future.

The last two days I have tried giving my fiancé a call, but he never picks up. As I know by now, he is busy with work. Wendy has seen how it irks me to my core. She does not care for it at all, she does not care for him. I would love for her to be a part of our wedding somehow, but with the way things have been with Lance, I think I can safely say the wedding will not be happening for a while. Wendy is right, though. I do need to speak to him. I need to have a conversation with him in person, face to face, no interruptions whatsoever. No work calls, not a single word coming from anyone but each other. His job has weakened what we have...or had. Maybe it was his doing, his doing by letting work step in front of his relationship with me.

Usually before I go to sleep now, I end up lying there with my eyes up at the ceiling of Wendy's living room. I wonder if it is time for me to start another new chapter of my life. A do-over of my fresh start. Lance did help distract me from what I was running away from, but only temporarily and mildly. Moving away from South Park helped. I am not so sure I could ever move back here, however. There is something that smothers my chance of sleep every single night, do I genuinely want to be with my fiancé for the rest of my life? In holy matrimony? Till death do us part? Jesus, it has been such a head scratcher. Sometimes, I wish I could scratch away his face from my brain.

It is now Friday evening, I am finishing up an exam when Wendy appears from her bedroom, "You up for a night out?"

I answer with my eyes still on my laptop's screen, "Yeah, totally. Let me just finish up this last question."

"Oops, sorry, my bad."

"You're good, almost done anyways." I type out the last few words of my short response and submit my exam.

"All good?" Wendy asks.

"Yes, so what did you want to do?"

Wendy scrolls through her phone, "Well, we can go grab a drink, or go see a movie. I know a couple new ones are playing right now."

"A drink sounds good, I've been stressed as hell this past week," I respond with my hand rubbing my forehead back and forth.

"There's a great little bar by that hotel you were staying at," Wendy mentions to me.

"Okay, let me just change out of my sweats."

Wendy gives me a quick thumbs up as I disappear into her bedroom to change. She was kind enough to clean out a drawer in her dresser for me to store some of my clothes. She really is an amazing best friend. She has helped me through so much, I never know how I will make it up to her. I throw on a pair of blue jeans that have somewhat of a faded look to them along with a plain black tee. I freshen up with some deodorant and a couple sprays of cologne. My hair is a little more curly than usual, not sure why that is. The little springy hairs tend to have a mind of their own which results in me grunting in front of the mirror to get them the way I want them. Wendy finds it comical because I will find her holding in her laughter out of the corner of my eye when I am in front of the mirror sometimes. I somehow get them to look as decent as I possibly can. I do not want to keep Wendy waiting too long.

"All set," I say walking out of the bedroom.

"I'll drive," Wendy says grabbing her keys.

"Good call, I have no clue where this place is," I laugh.

"True," Wendy nods and laughs.

As we arrive at the bar, I know we will be asked for ID, which is fine. We are twenty-one, but look younger, at least to me. Not a lot younger, but maybe a year or two taken off twenty-one. Wendy and I find a couple barstools looking for company and seat ourselves. The bartender comes up to us with a friendly smile. His hair is milk chocolate brown, reminds me of my fiancé's. Still nothing from him, nothing but the wonderful act of not reading my text messages or returning my phone calls. The bartender asks Wendy what she will be having and then proceeds to ask me the same question. He goes to fix up our drinks. I keep checking my phone, I do not see why I even care at this point. I am supposed to care, right? I did say I would spend the rest of my life with this person, but yet he seems to forget that I exist.

"Hey."

"Hm?"

"Let's just enjoy the night okay? I don't want you to develop an unwanted amount of anxiety over him," Wendy tells me, she has noticed the constant checking of my texts.

"Sorry. You're right," I nod and shove my phone into my jeans pocket.

"It's his loss, he needs to remember that he's a lucky man for having you in his life."

"Oh now I wouldn't go that far."

"Kyle, shut up," Wendy gives me a playful eye roll.

"Be honest with me," I start after giving her a light grin.

Wendy nods her head, "Always."

"Do you think it actually is his loss?"

"What do you-"

"Like...I know you do not know him well and you only hear what I tell you, but from all that I've mentioned, do you think he'd care if I left him?" Wow, that really just came out of my mouth.

"Are you thinking of leaving him?" Wendy looks very surprised.

"I mean... I don't know. I feel like I need another fresh start. With the way things have been between the two of us, he hasn't done any favors for me. His career is number one. I am tired of being his number two, or number three, number what the hell ever," I am not even drunk yet and I'm talking like this.

"If you feel that another fresh start is what you need, do it. Do whatever you have to do."

"One side of me is telling me to start over again, another is telling me I'm being overdramatic, does that make sense?"

Wendy frowns before saying, "Of course it does, but you aren't being overdramatic. You want to be happy like any sane person does. There's nothing wrong with that."

"I don't know where I would go, I don't know if I could move back here," Making that decision would completely destroy to whole purpose of me leaving in the first place. Is that even valid?

"My advice is to see how things go until June, maybe you will feel differently about coming back here permanently or maybe you won't. Please talk to Lance. Share your feelings, see what he says. You wouldn't be this concerned about it if he didn't mean something to you."

She is right. Lance does mean something to me even if I don't want to admit it. Even if he has been a douche lately, he was comforting at a certain point in my life; a time where I was very lonely and tired of being lonely. He walked into my life at just the right time. I was vulnerable and ended up finding myself drawn to him. Why is that? Mainly because I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel like I was actually lovable. Also, I needed to stop dwelling over this constant want for this one specific person. The reason I left: Him.

"I can try calling him tomorrow. It might be late for him right now, even though he's most likely up working," I say aloud.

"Does he work overtime on weekends?" Wendy asks curiously.

"Sometimes, he will usually go golfing with his work friends in the afternoons on Saturdays. He comes home right before I put dinner on the table," I realize the music playing in the bar is not overbearing and disruptive to my conversation with Wendy.

"How late does he stay up on weekdays?"

"It will vary, the last few weeks I feel him come into bed around 2ish," I sip my drink after the bartender sets it down in front of me while placing Wendy's in front of her.

I remember how just last week I felt weight on his side of the bed. The moonlight was still gleaming, so it could not have been time for the sun to rise. I see the small clock on his side read 1:56 AM as I turn over. He did not notice I was awake. I felt him pull up the covers and let out a long sigh. I whispered his name, but I must have been too quiet because I received no reply back from my fiancé. I was thinking about maybe moving closer to him to kiss him goodnight, but my body never moved. A few minutes later, I drifted off to sleep. As I come back into the present, I see Wendy moving her glass to her lips. She turns around and faces the door for a good five or so seconds.

"Wen?"

Her head turns to face me, "Hm?"

"You okay?"

"Uh, yeah," She looks back behind her, towards the door kind of.

I try to find what she is looking at when I turn my head, "What?"

"He's here."

I wonder if when I accepted this job offer, that I was just expecting not to see him at all around town. That was pretty stupid considering this town is so goddamn small. If I look back where Wendy is looking, I might start to feel like a dick. Even though I wanted my fresh start, it did always sit with me that I never told him why I left. He did not get a warning. The guilt eats away at me from time to time. I know I should just be an adult and talk to him, since he never did anything wrong, but I feel like the words will not come out. Wendy watches me down the rest of my drink. Hopefully alcohol will be my best friend tonight and help me not have a panic episode. I raise my hand to get the bartender's attention and order another Mai Tai, what my first drink was.

"Token and Kenny are with him," Wendy comments.

I glance over, feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion, "I've missed them."

"Will you...come say hi with me?" Wendy asks me.

I inhale and exhale, "Okay."

Wendy takes my hand and leads the way. I notice that when we approach the two closer, it is just Kenny and Token. It has been awhile since I have seen all the guys. I am 99.9% sure they are going to recognize me, I have not changed much since I left South Park, well, my appearance anyways. Wendy grips my hand a little bit tight. I feel a little bit less anxious. She knows this is not easy for me to do, especially since I do not know where he is. Wendy said he was here but I do not see him standing by Token and Kenny. Maybe Wendy mistook him for somebody else. Yeah, right. Good one, Kyle.

"Hey guys!" Wendy stops in front of Kenny and Token and lets my hand go.

"Wendy! Hi!" Token says with a wide smile.

"Hey Wen! Good to see you, any of the girls around?" Kenny wonders.

"Just me tonight, as well as-"

My name comes out simultaneously between Kenny and Token, "Kyle!"

"Hey guys." I plaster a smile.

Kenny brings me in for a really long hug, "You have no idea how great it is to see you, dude."

"You too, Kenny." I hug him back, I do not feel anxious, which is very nice.

Kenny releases me and Token then pulls me in patting my back, "Been lame around here without you, man."

"Good to see you, Token." Okay, this is going well.

"What're you doing here?" Kenny asks me.

"I got a job offer from Denver University, basically an assistant teacher in the professor's class," I reply.

"That's cool! How long will you be here for?" Token wonders out loud.

"June."

"Nice! Oh uh Stan went to the bathroom a minute ago, he should be- oh there he is!" Token looks in the direction of the restrooms.

Kenny waves in the direction of the bathrooms, "Over here."

Wendy looks over her shoulder as she rubs my back. She is being a very good friend right now, kudos to her. She has made this trip a little less anxiety-filled. It feels like he is walking over here in slow-motion, yet I am not even looking at him. Maybe I should be preparing myself right now. I have no clue what he is going to do when he sees me. Yell? Smile and hug me? Maybe smile, hug me, then yell? That would be kind of odd. He arrives next to Token, he did not arrive next to me. That is kind of a relief, I would have way too much guilt and tension running through my veins.

He notices Wendy in front of Token and gives her a quick hug, "Hey, I didn't know you'd be here!"

Wendy nurses her drink, "Not much else to do tonight."

It happens agonizingly slow. From the turn of our heads to the meet of each other's eyes. The connecting of them is something I thought would never happen again. Maybe if I blink, things will seem like they are not moving so leisurely. My eyelashes brush the surface of my bottom eyelids, he is still looking at me. God, what the hell do I say? A simple hello just does not sit right with me in this particular situation. It is my fault that he has been so curious all this time. I ghosted him, his best friend of many many years ghosted him. I have to say something, something, anything at all. If I stand here in silence, he might hate me, if he does not already.

"Kyle."

"Hi." I hope this does not become an awkward session of small talk.

Token and Kenny have seemed to notice how intense the situation was. I could feel them back away from the circle a few seconds ago. Wendy stays by us still. She knows how I feel, but I do not know how Stan feels. Wow, his name has come through my mind without me trying to block it out. He is not smiling, he is not frowning. His face shows hardly any emotion, maybe just a splash of shock. I mean, I did agree to see him while I was here. Wendy let me know he wanted to see me. And now, here we are. Standing in front of each other with our eyes connected.

Stan looks over at Wendy on his right, "Wendy, would you be okay if I could talk to him-"

Wendy gives me a look, probably asking if it is okay for her to walk away, "Um..."

"Go out there and dance, I know you love this song," I reply to Wendy's look.

She gives me a slight smile and points, "I will be right over there."

The music has gotten a little louder since more people have arrived. I see my drink sitting alone at the bar. A part of me wants to go over there, avoiding this conversation I am about to have, but another part of me knows I need to just stop running and talk to him. I also need to talk to Lance. I have a specific text tone alert sound set for him, it has not gone off once tonight. On the other hand, those white papers in those file folders are not going to study themselves. Work, work, work. He has built a career and that is very impressive and all, but I just want the attention any engaged person likes to receive from their partner. Hm, maybe a night off from thinking about how Lance pays pretty much no attention to me would do me good. It is time, it is time to talk with whom I probably hurt, hurt bad.