~It woke me up, it made me realize I had really hurt him. I did not give my time and attention that night out of empathy, even though I do feel really rotten for the damage I have done~

A matter of weeks have gone by since that Friday night. The assistant teacher job and my college classes have been kicking my ass. For once, I am worrying about my grades dropping. It has just been tricky to balance the job plus my education. There is a lot on my plate right now, but hey, that happens in life sometimes and I am learning to roll with it. I am still staying at Wendy's apartment, I would say I am pretty adjusted now. The air mattress is getting kind of uncomfortable now that my back has been in contact with it for weeks. If Wendy had a guest room, I would have been in there in the first place but this is her first apartment so there it is not like there is all the space in the world. I enjoy this temporary living situation with my best friend. We have been doing great as roommates so far.

A little while after we had been at Kenny's place, Wendy and I came back here to the apartment. We stayed up talking until three in the morning. That night was incredibly unpredicted. I had no idea that we would run into Kenny and Token, or Stan, definitely did not predict that I would run into him, at least not that soon. However, I really did surprise myself; I was talking to him as if we had stayed best friends and I never left South Park. Yeah, I was a little tense and on edge, but not as much as I had imagined I would be if I ever saw him again. Wendy had said to me she was very surprised that I agreed to go talk to him by myself with nobody else around. It all happened so fast. That following Sunday, Stan came over and the three of us watched movies all day. We had some laughs, which was really nice. It almost felt normal, but deep down, there the truth sat, still haunting me to my core.

I will never forget the way his voice sounded when he said he lost his best friend. It woke me up, it made me realize I had really hurt him. I did not give my time and attention that night out of empathy, even though I do feel really rotten for the damage I had done. He left later that night after we had gotten through three movies. I almost did not want him to go. His presence is nice to be surrounded by. If there is one thing I have learned so far while I have been visiting my hometown, I should have considered what would come out of me leaving my hometown. I left some people confused, some people hurt. Without a doubt, I was only thinking of myself; I was thinking of myself and my feelings. Sometimes, you have to be selfish in life if it involves something important like mental health. My mental health was not bad, but it was not golden.

There is only so much a teenager can do to help themselves without telling someone about what they are going through. I have learned throughout the years that asking for help or guidance is not a bad thing. Just like I told Stan, it all came flowing out of me one night when I was with Wendy. She listened and offered the best advice she could in that moment; It was greatly appreciated. It is not that I did not trust him with what I was feeling, he was just that one person I was unable to tell it all to. Did I desire to tell him? Sometimes. Did I rather just keep it all inside for safe keeping? Yes. It is just easier that way, keeping it all inside. No, it is not healthy, but it sure as hell is the easier route.

~~~

Stan
That gold band around his finger made everything inside me freeze up. Of course my first thought was that he got married, but then he told Kenny that he was just engaged. Kyle, engaged; engaged to someone named Lance. What felt kind of off to me was when he was revealing this guy's name, there was no smile, no emotion. You think he would be excited to talk about his fiancé, but I did not pick up that vibe at all. Was this guy the real reason he left? Had Kyle met him somewhere and wanted to run off with him and start a new life? If this guy is this big secret, the truth behind him leaving, I do not see why he would not be able to tell me that. I would not have judged him, people are going to love who they love, nothing wrong with that. Now I am just wondering who this Lance guy really is and if he is making Kyle happy.

I decide to see if I can track Lance down on social media. I do not know much about him, only that he is engaged to the person I once knew as my best and closest friend. It is not like I want to stalk him or anything, I just do not know how Kyle will feel if I try asking about him in person. I try Facebook first. I key in his first and last name; I overheard Kyle say his last name at the party at Kenny's apartment. A somewhat large list of results for Lance Hoasher appears on my laptop screen. My eyes study the first few profiles that have come up. A routine forms of looking through where they have lived and who they are friends with on here. I check photos too, none of Kyle on the first few. I start to feel like I am stalking him, but I am only curious as to who Kyle is planning on spending the rest of his life with.

Wendy calls just as I click on the next profile, "Hey."

"Hi! What're you up to?" She asks.

"Not much. Just poking around Facebook. What's going on?"

"Well, that new Italian place just opened up in Denver, it's kinda close to the university so I was thinking once Kyle gets off work, we could meet him out there, maybe shop or something, and then go to dinner," Wendy suggests.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, that sounds good, yep."

"You okay?"

I guess I sound a little distracted, "Yeah, all good."

"You sure about that?" Wendy checks with me.

"Have you met Lance?" I ask.

"I haven't, no."

"Oh."

"Why do you ask?" Wendy wonders.

I shrug, "Just curious. I didn't know if Kyle was comfortable talking about him or not."

"He doesn't talk his head off about him, but he comes up here and there when we video chat and talk on the phone," Wendy tells me.

"Seems kinda weird," I say shutting the lid on my laptop.

"Yeah, so dinner tonight? Sound good?"

"Yes, when does Kyle leave work?" I ask her.

"Sometimes it varies, depending on what classes the professor has that day. I will text him and tell him to let me know," Wendy responds.

"Okay, just give me a shout and I can pick you up from your place," I let Wendy know I do not mind driving.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, no big deal."

"Okay, thank you. I'll text you," Wendy says.

"Cool, see you later," I hang up the phone after saying goodbye to Wendy.

I wonder if Kyle would feel weird about me asking him about Lance. I mean, it is his fiancé after all, why would he want to keep him on the down low? It could just be something he likes to keep private, I am not really sure. I am very curious to know if he is the reason Kyle left town without notice. If he is, I want to know what made Kyle do it, what was and is so fan-fucking-tastic about this guy? It just does not seem like something the Kyle I once knew would do. Do I even still know him? I mean, I do; I do not know the recent Kyle, however. Whoever he is, I want to know what made him stop talking to me in the first place. Where did I fit into all this?

It matters to me so much because Kyle was my best friend. I never wanted there to be an end to our friendship, we were two peas of a pod basically. It really stung when I received that silent treatment during that little part of senior year. It was uncomfortable, weird, and incredibly confusing. I do not think asking him a bunch of questions in front of Wendy would be right. I need to get him alone, no friends, no family around, just us. When we made eye contact in the bar, I could see the shock in those emerald eyes of his. Even though he had said he would see me while here in Colorado, I know he was not expecting to see me that soon. I did not think I would be seeing him that soon either. The discomfort he contained was clearly noticeable.

I still do not know why Wendy was easier to tell this to than me. Nothing against Wendy, but at the time I would not have pegged her for the person Kyle could pour his feelings out to. They were not really close at the time, so it strikes me as kind of peculiar. Me on the other hand? I knew about things before his parents did. Sheila and Gerald must know about Lance. I wonder what they think of him. There is so much I want to know, so much I have missed out on in Kyle's life, that is not my fault, though. No doubt if Kyle had stayed in South Park and he never stopped talking to me, I would know what is new with him. However, since I do not, since I am nowhere near caught up, I am way more than just curious.

Four-thirty rolls around. I am dressed in a pair of blue jeans, a faded black long sleeve with two of the buttons undone at the top, a black casual jacket and my white low-top sneakers. I have combed and slightly styled my hair as I usually do after a shower. Wendy said we were going to a nice restaurant but dressing somewhere in between fancy and casual would be okay. I took that note and combined the two styles. I let Wendy know I just left my place a couple of minutes ago and I am on my way. I arrive shortly after. I spot her walking out of her apartment building. My car is parked right where she will be able to see it. She smiles as I unlock the passenger side door for her.

"What's up?" I greet.

"Starving. I hardly ate anything today because I want to save room for later. I heard they have amazing garlic bread," Wendy explains as I am pulling out of the small parking lot.

"I haven't been in Denver in a while," I reply.

"I have thought of moving there, it's just too crowded for me."

"Yeah, I feel you."

"I guess Kyle taught the majority of one of the classes today, he is really doing a great job at the university," Wendy tells me as we get on the highway.

"I don't doubt that, he has the brains for it," I comment truthfully.

"He's been really stressed, though. Anytime I come home from work now he is either still there or at the table doing assignments."

"He's in college?" Kyle is taking classes and taking up this position as assistant teacher?

"It's Kyle, of course he is. He told me he's afraid his grades are going to start slipping," Wendy replies to me.

"Now that doesn't sound like him. He always pushed through," I say to Wendy.

"There is so much going on with him. Throughout the time he has been here I haven't seen one phone call between him and his fiancé."

"Seriously?"

Wendy nods and then says, "It's just weird. I guess he was going to come out here with him but he was too busy with work. I feel like I am kind of blabbing his personal business, but as his friend I am a little concerned."

"No it's okay, I understand. What does this guy even do for a living?" I wonder.

"He's a CEO," Wendy reveals.

"Well that explains the busyness."

  Wendy shakes her head, "I don't know, Stan. I feel like Kyle deserves better at this point. He definitely deserves more than a phone call."

"Of course he does."

Why would Kyle agree to marry this guy? He sounds like a piss poor candidate for marriage. Sheila and Gerald cannot be accepting of this so-called lack of communication Wendy is telling me. It makes me wonder if they are okay with Kyle being engaged to another man. Hell, maybe this big secret is that Kyle is gay. He felt uncomfortable telling me because I was his best guy friend. It would make sense I guess. However, I could be wrong. It could be a possibility. Best to just keep it up there in my head labeled as that for now.

Wendy and I continue to converse back and forth as we arrive in Denver. I asked her how Kyle has been able to get here considering he does not have a car in his possession. I guess the professor Kyle is working with has a sister who works at this car rental place. She was able to let Kyle rent a car for a very good price. Definitely got lucky on that one. Kyle is just meeting us at the restaurant. It will be nice to see him again, of course. It would be nice to see him regularly, but I still have no clue where he lives; I never asked him so I guess if I want to know I am going to have to just come right out with it. The restaurant is already pretty packed when we pull up. Good thing Wendy made a reservation.

Both of us leave my car to enter the restaurant, On the Grapevine. Wendy is wearing a deep purple trench coat with a white turtleneck sweater, dark jeans, and long black zip-up high heel boots. Her hair is straight as always. Her beauty is eye-catching as it always has been. We have a bit of a complicated romantic history, kids in love basically. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to still be with Wendy, but it is just a thought that goes through my mind. It does not mean I want to pursue a relationship with her again. I love my friendship with Wendy, she is a person I am very close with and never want to lose touch with. I wish I had never lost touch with my guy best friend. He was a huge part of my life that was unexpectedly deducted.

Wendy walks up to the host stand, "Hi there, table for 3 under Marsh."

The hostess taps a few buttons on her screen, "Yes, your table is ready now. Right this way, please."

As we walk to the table I ask with a grin, "So it was put under my name?"

"It's easier for them to spell than my last name or Kyle's," Wendy matches the grin I gave her.

"Okay here you are. Will your third member be joining momentarily?" The hostess questions.

Wendy removes her trench coat, "Yes, he shouldn't be too long."

"Not a problem. Enjoy your dinner!"

"Thank you," I respond.

Wendy and I begin to browse through the menu. They have quite an impressive alcohol selection, it takes up two pages. We comment on some of the entrees. Honestly, everything looks really good, but the only thing that is currently on my mind is seeing Kyle. I just want to talk to him. I got a little upset with him when we were at the old abandoned mall. I mean, can anyone blame me for being upset with him? Not to sound like a douche or anything, but I do not feel like it is wrong to be upset with someone who completely ghosted you and left no explanation for it. Yes, I did say I did not want to hold a grudge, but it does still bother me that I was basically left standing in the dust. Wendy wants to be respectful and not tell me anything because Kyle does not want the reason being known. That is a respectable thing to do as a friend, but selfishly, I wish she would accidentally let it slip. 

"He just pulled up, I'll go meet him at the door," Wendy gets up from her chair and goes to the front of the restaurant.

Wendy sat herself across from me, so Kyle will have to sit in one of the chairs that will be both next to her and me. Hopefully he can handle that, since he has been avoiding me for a long ass time. There are so many mixed emotions inside me right now. I have missed him like crazy, but I am crazy upset with him. What the hell could have been so hard to tell me? If I do not find out before he leaves Colorado, I do not know what I'll do. Kyle cannot just leave here, hang out with me a few times and just say he does not want to talk about it. I wonder if something traumatic happened to him. Why was I so difficult to tell this to? It feels like I am chasing something invisible, I know it is there, but I do not know exactly what it is.

~~~

Kyle
My best friend is right there at the entrance of On The Grapevine when I park my rental car. Stan is not with her. He must already be seated at the table. With Wendy here, I feel like I will be less shy and nervy. This person was supposed to be in my life forever. We were supposed be best friends forever. Friends do come and go in life, but Stan was different. He was not someone I would be friends with for a couple years and then we would go out separate ways after high school. That was not even close to the kind of friendship we had. It is my fault that everything ended the way it did. I was the one that discontinued our friendship and still to this day I feel really shitty about the entire situation.

Lance has barely contacted me at all lately. I will call him and he will tell me he will call me back and then never does. I will text him and it will only be one or a few dry texts back. He has been incredibly short with me lately for no other reason but work. I support that he is dedicated to his work, but I also want to be able to support the fact that he asked me to be his life partner, and frankly, I do not see that happening at this point. He does not show any interest in me and has not for a long time. The last few days I have lied awake in bed before dozing off; I have been thinking about my relationship with Lance Hoasher, the hardworking businessman who once showed me love, but seems to have forgotten what love is. I could be in a relationship where we both make time for each other. If I do decide to bail, I do not have a plan ready for the aftermath.

I step inside the restaurant, "Hey."

Wendy brings me in for a brief hug, "How was your day?"

"Busy, but not draining."

  Wendy replies to me, "That's good. C'mon, the table is this way."

The smells of Italian cuisine overwhelm me in the best way possible. I can already tell this place will be making some great money. Good thing Wendy called in a reservation, when we were by the front door I heard the hostess say there was an hour wait for the large parties and a half hour wait for smaller ones. When Wendy suggested dinner and said Stan would be there, I felt my nerves perk up, but I feel like they may have been butterflies in my stomach? I don't know honestly. I do not know if that means I will be nervous talking to him or not. We walk up to a table with a white tablecloth sleeping over it. Seated at it is none other than Stan. He stood up a couple seconds before we got there. He smiles at me.

"Hi, Kyle."

"Hi, how are you?" I don't know where it comes from, but I give him a quick hug when I greet him.

He seems to immediately hug back, "Good, I'm good."

We both pull away and I say, "You guys been here long?"

"No, not at all. We just got here a couple minutes ago," Stan answers me.

"Oh okay good."

The three of us spend the dinner chatting and bringing up memories from when we were kids. Some stuff comes up from when Stan first liked Wendy, I think back to when he would feel nauseous every time he saw her. He was a little dork with his first crush. I brought up a couple memories about Eric and we all would either laugh or roll our eyes at the ridiculousness that was his personality back then. This is nice, really nice, actually. There is something about this time with Stan and Wendy that makes me feel like I never left South Park. Stan and I are laughing together, like the crying type of laughter. Nothing else is on my mind right now, just the fact that I am enjoying myself and this time with two people who mean the world to me. We split the check three ways and head out of the restaurant. Just as I go to exit, Wendy stops.

"Mind if I run to the restroom real fast?"

"Not at all, go ahead," I reply.

"Yeah, you're good," Stan adds.

"Thank you, I will be right back," Wendy walks quickly to the bathroom.

After several seconds of silence, Stan speaks up, "So I uh... I wanted to talk to you."

"Okay."

  I can feel his eyes on me when he talks, "Would you be okay with coming over to my place tonight? Doesn't have to be for long, I just wanted to talk, maybe catch up."

I hesitate to answer but finally get the words to come out, "Umm...yeah sure. I'd be okay with that."

"Cool. I don't know if Wendy has anything else planned but you could ride back with me if you want," Stan places his hands in his jacket pockets.

"I don't mind doing that," Damn, I feel kind of weird being so okay with this since I have been avoiding him for such a long time.

Wendy walks out of the restroom a little while after, "All right, did you guys wanna do anything? I'm honestly kinda stuffed so I wouldn't mind just calling it a night."

"Me too. I'm actually gonna go hang at Stan's for a little bit," I reveal to Wendy.

She looks at me with a bit of shock but not enough for Stan to notice I don't think, "Oh, all right. I'm good with some me time."

"I'll give you a ride home of course," Stan says to Wendy.

"Wow, you're such a gentleman! I was thinking I'd have to call an Uber," Wendy teases.

Stan rolls his eyes and smiles at her enthusiastic sarcasm. I follow him and Wendy in my rental car. Before we parted ways to our vehicles, Stan typed his address in my notes app. I key it into the GPS; he told me I could just wait for him while he dropped off Wendy since they do not live far apart at all. After some automated voice direction, I arrive at an apartment complex. Very well-done landscaping catches my eyes. Stan gave me the apartment building number and everything, so I just park in the section of the parking lot closest to it. Sure enough, he pulls into a spot a few down from mine about ten or less minutes later. We both exit the vehicles simultaneously.

"Was the GPS a pain in the ass for you?" Stan asks me.

"No, it was okay," I respond.

"Sometimes it won't give you an approximate location on which building it is, glad you didn't have trouble, though. C'mon," He locks his car and begins to walk.

I follow Stan up the walkway to the entrance of his apartment building. A couple people are behind us coming in as well. My feet carry me up a couple flights of stairs before stopping behind Stan at door 304. Stan's keys jingle a little as he wiggles it into the lock. We walk inside the apartment. I take my shoes off where he takes off his own on a little mat. I study the room briefly. It is clean, but not overly clean. It appears lived in but kept up with. My jacket remains on me still.

"I used to be roommates with Token but he found himself a girlfriend and left me high and dry," Stan says removing his jacket.

"Damn, I'm sorry," I say.

"Nah, I'm joking. I'm happy for him. I can keep up with the bills."

"What do you do?" I question curiously.

"I was painting house interiors for awhile but got tired of it, started working at Home Depot about seven months ago, got moved up to assistant manager," Stan explains, setting his keys down on the small end table next to his couch.

"That's pretty cool," I reply.

"Yeah, it's not bad, more responsibilities to keep up with, though. You want anything to drink?"

"Sure, whatcha got?"

  Stan peeks around the kitchen, "Got some of those seltzers we had at Kenny's party, this wine I haven't tried yet, one of the cashiers told me about it and said it was good."

"Let's try that, then," I do not know what is with me and the wine lately, am I trying to find an escape to bliss or something?

Stan opens up the bottle and retrieves two wine glasses from the cupboard. I watch him pour each one half full of plum-colored liquid. He proceeds to give me a tour of the apartment as we sample the wine. It is definitely not bad. Wine is my new thing I guess. We walk through the apartment, glasses in hand, viewing the rooms. It is a nice two-bedroom with one bath. The apartment is neat and tidy with the obvious signs of being lived in. Stan and I end up sitting on the couch a little while later, diving into a conversation of past memories. I am actually enjoying myself, the wine has calmed my nerves.

"Oh god, do you remember the time we all went to Canada to get your little brother back?" Stan laughs.

"That was crazy, we totally scammed the guy from City Wok, sixty-two dollars for a flight?"

"I can't believe he agreed to that!" Stan shakes his head and smiles.

"How did we not die when the plane went down?" It makes no sense how we were hardly injured.

Stan shrugs, "You got me, I have no idea. Guess we were lucky."

I laugh lightly, "Guess so," I see him watching me while I sip my wine, "What?"

"It's just been a long time."

The calm feeling I had seems to dissolve, "Yeah, it has."

"I feel like I know you but I don't at the same time," Stan reveals.

"What do you mean?" I wonder.

"I have no idea what your life is like now. You're engaged."

I glance at my ring, "Mhm."

Stan then asks, "What's he like?"

I hesitate to speak about my fiancé, but I finally just let go, "He's a CEO, so he's very busy, like all the time. He comes from a wealthy family, so he got to start a good career early. I met him a little while after I left. We moved in together a couple months after we met. Before I knew it, I was planning to marry him."

"Are you happy?"

That feels like a complicated question right now, "Yeah."

Stan looks at my ring and then back up at me, "Are you?"

"He's just been busy lately so we haven't had a chance to really talk." He's always busy, he has not been just recently busy.

"Busy with what?" Stan asks.

I respond back with my eyes on my wine glass, "Work stuff."

There's a long pause and then I hear, "Kyle."

My eyes fight to look at him, "Hm?"

"Look at me."

I make eye contact with him, his wine glass is on the coffee table. I can feel his gaze, it is making my stomach do gymnastics. I know he is curious about my life and what he has missed out on, but Lance is the last thing I wanted to start with. I do not want to talk about my day-to-day routine of basically no interaction with my fiancé. Our conversations are as short as ones between acquaintances. It is not normal and I am well aware of that. This was never something I asked for, I did not run away from home to fall in love and get married. I did not fall in love, there I said it. I never fell in love in the first place. There was a time in my life where I needed a distraction from something I thought would never happen and I still believe will never happen. Lance was that distraction.

The only problem is, my distraction is distracted. This was only a temporary fix for my problem and I did not realize that. I only just now have come to that conclusion. I have been ignoring reality, I do not need to be with somebody who puts a career before me. I can remove myself from all this and call off the engagement. My time has been played with. This person played with my time that I could have put to better use. This whole time I was trying to escape into a new world with the wrong person. I can stop this, let Lance know he will not have to worry about me anymore. Yeah, I'm done.

"I gotta make a phone call, be right back."