Ellie

That night Leo and I were driving to the restaurant down town. It was quiet and neither of us had said a word since getting into the car. All I could think about is what we would be talking about tonight. Leo always seemed to want to talk about things even when I insisted nothing was wrong or going on. I wanted to move out of the house because I needed to get away from Leo. It's like I always caused him so much problems. First it was my emotional damage, then it was my inability to trust him and to believe he even loved me to begin with, and now, now it was because I had a madman on my tail and there was no way to get rid of him. Sure, he was in jail. But the memory of him was still etched into my life. Even with Chris in jail, it didn't mean that he wasn't going to get out soon enough. And I didn't put it past Chris to remember everything. 

He had broke into my office and choked me, he slapped me around when we were together, made sure he destroyed me. Our last encounter, he tried to kill me. And I'll never forget what I did to poor Amber. She had found me in the bathroom after I had taken my pills and slit my wrists to make sure that I didn't make it to the morning. These past three years were a long and painful journey. I thought going to the Dominican Republic and volunteering my time would cure me, make me stop being so pathetic. But all it did was act as a band aid. I was destructive and I ruined everything in my path. I pushed people away from me and I hurt those that loved me. Amber didn't look at me the same since she found me that night. I know she told me that she wasn't mad at me anymore, but I knew I had scarred her and I'd never forgive myself for it. And Leo....my crime to him was not being good enough to keep him from Donna. That's probably why he felt the need to do what he did. I know it was just a kiss and that it happened a long time ago. But I hated how the one woman he told me did the most damage to him he willingly let back into his life. So, I just needed to move away from everyone and just be alone awhile. It was for the best, then everyone would be happy and Leo could finally find someone who he deserved.

"Ellie?" He asked

"Huh?"

"We're here. I've been calling you for a good minute now."

I looked for it and lo and behold we actually were at the restaurant.

"Oh, alright."

I unbuckled my seatbelt and we both got out of the car, walking into the restaurant. Everyone was seated at a circular table in the middle of the restaurant with the perfect view of the band. I looked around at the happy, laughing faces of my friends-- no, my family, and felt a sick feeling in my stomach. I had been thinking about it all day, I would simply pack up my things and in the middle of the night I would leave and start over in another town, another state, it didn't matter. As long as everyone else was happy, who cared if I disappeared? That was the most important thing to me: their happiness.

"Hey guys, glad you could make it." Brandi said with a smile.

I hugged her and Amber and sat down next to Brandi while Leo sat next to Josh. They gave each other a hand shake and soon everyone broke off into their little conversations. I just mostly sat there and thought about anything and everything. I hated being myself so much.

I suddenly felt a hand on my arm and startled, I looked towards whoever it was. It was Brandi.

"Hey, you alright hun?" She asked concerned

"Oh yeah, I'm fine. Just tired is all." I lied

"Well alright, you know you can talk to me about things right?"

"Yeah. I know." I replied, giving a small smile in return

She gave a polite smile and rubbed my arm a bit before turning back to Josh.

While everyone talked to each other, I sat and watched the band play and let their music take me away to a world that was all my own

******

After we all said our goodbye's, Leo and I headed out of the restaurant and got into his car. The ride back to his house was quiet as well and pretty soon the ride was over and we were in front of Leo's house. We both got out of the car and walked to his front door. He unlocked the door and we stepped inside. He cut on all of the lights and we both went into the living room, sitting down across from the other. We both looked at each other and said nothing. He leaned back into the couch taking a deep breath and rubbing his palms along his jeans. I said nothing and looked at the floor.

"So, about this moving out thing. Why do you want to move out?" He asked suddenly

"I just think it's time to be on my own is all. Like I said, you can't dedicate your life to watching me like a hawk. Yes, it is eventual that Chris will get out of Jail, but like I said earlier, it's not your problem. I don't want to be a burden."

"Look....we're friends now right?" He asked cautiously

"Of course."

"So, as your friend you know I want what's best for you."

"Sure." I said

"So, why won't you let me look after you?"

"Friend or not, I wouldn't give Evan, Jack, Amber, or Brandi this burden, not when it's my own doing. I decided to date Chris knowing his history. It's my own stupid fault."

"But why did you date him knowing how he was?" He asked me

"I didn't think he'd go this far....And I thought he was getting so much better. I felt so low and worthless, and he was just so sweet and caring and there when I needed him and he lifted me up. I thought I finally had found the one....but I hadn't.

His eyes softened and he said nothing to me. Ugh, I hated this shit! I hated that I always held onto things that I truly needed to let go, but I couldn't stop feeling so bothered by this. Why the hell couldn't I shake it?

"Look, I know it was only just a stupid kiss and that I should get over it, and for the most part I am. But I'll never get over the fact that no one will ever be happy with me or the fact that I'm around."

"Ellie that's not true."

"No, like I said, I am fine Leo. Please let's just try to forget about all of this." I said, getting up from the couch

But he followed me and annoyed, I tried getting to my room quickly to close it, but he got there faster than me. As I back up, he shut the door behind him and locked it.

"No, you're not gonna keep running away from this. Don't you see that when you run, nothing get's cured and nothing get's fixed?"

"It's better than everyone truly knowing what is wrong with me. Amber doesn't even look at me the same anymore because of what I did. So now I know what I have to do."

"What do you mean by that?" He asked me

"I've thought about leaving Collinsville and starting over. I know that you said that if we still weren't fine after Brandi's wedding, then you would leave. But you're not the one causing everyone problems. You have a life here and the practice and your club to look after. So, I'm going to leave."

He took a deep breath and screwed his eyes shut. Finally, if he got sick of me he'd give up and this whole thing could be easier. He deserved to be happy, and all I was doing was hindering that.

"And go where Ellie?"

"I don't know, and I don't care. If I leave then everyone will be happy. There won't be anymore mess." 

Who's gonna miss me?

"But you know if you do leave, nothing will be the same."

"Exactly. That's why I'm leaving."

"No, you're not hearing me Ellie. You leaving is the reason you can't get past everything. You left the states for two years. Albeit it was a great cause, you left to get away from me. But did it ever leave your mind?"

"No." I said quietly

"Okay. So you think leaving will make us feel better? Do you think that we'll be happy with you gone?"

"I don't think anyone would miss me. Brandi has Josh, Evan has Jack, and Amber has Cairo and they're all happy. I'm nothing but a dark cloud on your lives, and so I need to disappear so the sun can shine. "

He walked towards the bed and sat down on the bed next to me.

"Look, I can't speak for others....but you're my sunshine Ellie. You're the one thing these days that keeps me happy, keeps me going. And I know I don't deserve to, but I love that you're here. I love that you're actually living here with me, because honestly, I missed you so much when you were gone. I hated feeling like I lost a part of me and I already lost you once. I can't again."

He slid to the floor in front of me and got onto his knees, grabbing my hand in his.

"Leo-"

"No. Ellie, please don't leave because of me. I'm sorry for what I did to you, I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm just sorry alright? I know, I know I fucked up and I know that you of all people didn't deserve that shit, especially with how you already hurt. I'm sorry that I hurt you so bad that you almost killed yourself. But you make me happy, and I would feel horrible when everyone else asked why you left and I'd have to tell them why. Just stay with me, please."

He took a pause and stared at my hand, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles like he was in deep thought.

"I'm sorry that I didn't love you the way I should've." He said softly

I saw his eyes become glassy with tears and he quickly tried wiping them away.

"Don't cry." I said softly

I reached forward and wiped his tears with my thumb and hugged him tight, his head lying on my shoulder.

"When did you get so soft on me Calavry?" I teased

He looked up towards me with a small smile.

"Since I met you. Since I realized how much I loved you."

I smirked and wiped one last tear away.

"Can I hug you again?" I asked him quietly

"You're asking me now?" He smiled

I kissed my teeth and I wrapped my arms around him once more. To say the least, this had been a weird night. But honestly, things had be quite weird for awhile. But who said that they had to be weird?

"I forgive you. For real this time." I said quietly

He pulled back from me and stared at me with relief.

"Really?"

"Yes. And you're right, running away from all of my problems won't help me in the long run. I have to face them head on."

He smiled and nodded.

"Precisely."

It got quiet again and we sat there, just staring at the floor.

"Ellie....can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"Do you love me?"

I peeked over towards him and found that he was staring at me intently.

Hopeful.

I nibbled at my lip because I already knew the answer.

"Yes."