Her days fell into a routine of sleeping and waking, sips and showers. Not exactly an affirmation of life, but it kept the void contained. Hayley stayed in the nursery, in the rocking chair. She learned, after the first time when she dozed off on the couch and woke up drenched in sweat. Her sweet little Danny didn't come to her. Not until she drifted off again in the rocking chair. He appeared, reaching up to her, asking to be held in that high child's voice. She dragged him into her lap, sobbing in relief. She ignored the scent of wet earth that rose off him. She didn't care. He felt real against her, until she awoke with empty arms and the void throbbing up from inside.

Anthony was a ghost in their home. She barely saw him for days, gone early, and home late. He continued to bring her Ensures. He took out the trash and washed his dishes. Neither of them slept in their bed. The part of her that longed for her husband's touch dimmed. If he wanted to isolate himself from her, fine. She had little boy kisses, and snuggles, and little fingers stroking her cheek. She had Danny.

Hayley didn't care that each time she woke up it grew harder and harder to convince herself to drink that Ensure. How her muscles still ached, like a flu she couldn't shake. The only thing that mattered was the weight of Danny in her arms, the feel of his soft baby smooth skin against hers, or his fingers curling through strands of her hair. She could fade away, content with her baby boy in her arms. The hours between sleep felt too long, too hollow. Get up, force down a few sips, take a shower, it was her new normal. How many days had it been since they came home?

She frowned at her body while standing in the shower. She'd been home long enough for her belly to disappear completely, the loose, sagging paunch the final evidence of her failure. She pulled at the pale, almost translucent skin. Her veins were stark blue lines just under the surface. Maybe she was the ghost. She couldn't stand the sight of herself.

She dried herself with rough hands, slipping into the worn cotton nightgown she'd worn every day. Her other clothes were too restricting, or too much effort to sort and match. She ran a brush through her hair, ignoring how much it had thinned in places, and shuffled to the nursery. Once she pulled the blanket onto her lap, it didn't take long for her to drift off. She was so tired lately, no matter how much she slept. It might have worried her if not for the tradeoff.

Danny appeared in front of her, smiling so his dimples showed. Anthony had those dimples. Her heart pinched in her chest at the thought. If only he hadn't distanced himself so much from her. He would have loved Danny as much as she did. Her little boy lifted his arms to her, fingers fluttering in a 'grabby hands' motion.

"Pick me up. Hold me, Mommy."

He made her heart feel so full. She reached for him, wrapping her arms around him, but when she tried to sit back her muscles went watery. Lightheaded and dizzy, the weakness alarmed her. How could she feel like this in a dream?

"Can you help Mommy this time?" She felt disoriented, sucking in a deep breath of Danny's wet earth scent. It grounded her enough for her head to stop spinning. Danny obediently clambered into her lap, little arms wrapping around her neck and shoulders to hug her tight enough to make her wince, but she pushed the feeling down, grateful simply to hold him. She started humming Work Song. He liked that one. She rocked them, running a hand up and down Danny's back. It was peaceful, so peaceful.

"I want to stay with you forever, Mommy."

The rhythm of her heartbeat turned painful.

"Hayley?"

Anthony? She must miss him more than she wanted to admit if she dreamed him here.

"Hayley!" Anthony's voice was muffled, but she could hear the panic in it. That confused her. Wouldn't he be happy to see their little boy?

"Stay with me, Mommy," said Danny, snuggling closer. He laced his fingers around the back of her neck. Her heartbeat kicked up, a racing tempo that brought on another wave of dizziness. She tried to hold him closer but met resistance. The muscles of her arms shook. When had she gotten so weak?

"Please, Mommy, don't go?" Danny's voice turned pleading. She wanted to tell him she wasn't going anywhere but her tongue felt too thick in her mouth. Her body jerked forward. She blinked, staring up at Anthony's pale, wide-eyed face.

Her head felt fuzzy. She couldn't focus on him. Anthony knelt in front of her, hands on her shoulders.

"Hayley, when's the last time you ate?" His features snapped into sharp relief. Worry etched lines in his face. His eyes darted, taking in the details of her appearance. "I mean a proper meal, not one of these shitty Ensures?"

"What day is it?" She shrugged his hands off her. They fell to his sides as he stood, his expression a mix of hurt and incredulity.

"Are you serious?"

What was his problem? He was going to act the part of caring husband after ignoring her for days? "What do you want?" She knew her tone was sharp and defensive. How could she think of sharing Danny with him? He was a stranger standing there, gaping down at her.

"I'm sorry." He swallowed. She watched his throat work, her anger fizzling out. He swallowed several times before continuing. "I was worried. You didn't respond when I called."

She shook her head. "I'm fine. Just really tired." She offered him a watery smile. "Too tired to eat. I must have been sleeping pretty deep when you called."

His gaze darted from her to the doorway. His hands fisted at his sides. "You weren't asleep. Your eyes were wide open. And I didn't call from the other room. I shouted right into your face."

Hayley jolted as if he slapped her. "What?"

"You were awake," Anthony said softly. "You were awake every time I checked on you."