TW: non-explicit self harm.

***

As Yeosang's eyes started to flutter shut, Yunho paused the story.

"Do you want to sleep? We can do more tomorrow."

"No!" He shot up, "No, I'm fine. I'm just gonna. . .yeah, get some ice cream, to stay awake better." Yeosang swing his legs out of the bed before turning back. "Do you want anything, Yunho?"

"A glass of rosé, please?"

Yeosang nodded and ran off to the the kitchen. He started the coffee maker as well before rummaging through cabinets until finding more bowls, cups, mugs, and a spoon.

By the time he dished his ice cream and poured the wine, the espressos were finished. For himself, Yeosang did a simple shot. But for Yunho, he added microwaved water to make one of his uncle's beloved americanos.

Balancing their aids on a tray, he came back into the room.

"I made us coffee, too." Yeosang explained, laughing awkwardly. "This night is turning out much better than expected so I vote we stay up."

Yunho smiled at the words, he just hoped Yeosang would understand his story.

After the blond was snug back under the duvet, he turned to the other. "Uncle Yunho," he started hesitantly, carefully. He needed to word this right, not sure if the question would be acceptable. "This is your story, isn't it. . . .Jongho, he is your soulmate?"

And the other's heart dropped. No one else had voiced that name in years. Even when talking about him with Mingi or Byul, he was just that: him.

"Yeosang-ah," he whispered. "I'll cry if I tell you, my love, so just, listen to the story."

The younger snuggled into Yunho's arms, and he began again. . .

"Wait," Yunho looked up, "the last thing was Jongho's 19th birthday, yeah?"

Yeosang nodded, "and Yunjung," (he used air quotes) "was entering university. . . But Jongho's getting better isn't he? After apologizing to his parents?"

"Yeah," Yunho thought, "he got better, for a little bit. . .Today, the twelfth, is his birthday actually, Jongho's." Looking at the clock he added, "Well, yesterday was. It's after midnight now."

Oh, Yeosang thought. He softly smiled before speaking, "Happy birthday Uncle Jongho."

Biting his lip, Yunho held back the tears, because the story, his story, needed to be told. And Yeosang was being especially attentive.

So Yunho began again. . .

~~~

"That fall semester, Yunho wasn't around as much as usual. He was so focused on school, and Jongho spent more time alone.

When Jongho got angry, Yunho wasn't there to teach him to be calm. So when the younger didn't know how to stop, even though he desperately want to, he lashed out.

And then he got angry with himself. Angry because he hated how he was acting but felt far too weak, too cloudy, too guilty, to do anything about it.

Does weakness decrees the fault or multiply it?

Jongho, you stupid idiot! Just fucking do it already. Just do what you're supposed to do, get up. Jongho gritted his teeth.

Yet he didn't move.

He tried to cry, to have the tears cover and comfort him like a warm blanket. Yet they no longer came.

This was briefly saved by the longed for December break; half spent with the Choi's and half at the Jeong's.

In the spring, Yunho turned 21 and, as he grew, so did his love for Jongho. Alas, he did not know what Jongho was feeling, what he was doing, what he was saying to himself, and what was being allowed to mature inside his very heart.

Yunho was in class at University, taking sparse notes, trying to pay attention, trying to focus. But his mind was foggy and he felt tired, even though he slept fine. He next felt angry, though for no reason that he could tell: pure irritation.

He scratched his forearms, above his veins. Why did they suddenly itch? Yunho sucked in a breath through his teeth at the pain that came next on his arm, and he knew, for the first time, it was the skin bond.

His skin bond.

Grabbing his books, they were shoved haphazardly into a bag as he practically lept out the door, professor yelling behind.

Yunho miraculously made it to Jongho's in twenty minutes without a speeding ticket, and rapped on the door. He started shouting when he saw no cars in the drive, Eomeoni and Mama are gone.

He sprinted round back, jumping the side fence and ran to the back door, the one always left unlocked.

Walking inside, he came through kitchen, and up to Jongho's room. No one. But the bathroom door was ajar, and Yunjung crept over, softly opening it.

Jongho yelped, terror evident in his eyes.

'Jongho, what happened?' Yunho whispered, worried eyes scanning all over his Soul's body. And Jongho, for the first time in a long time, began to cry.

'O-oh, Jongho. . . Jongho-ah." He rushed over and held his Soul, both sinking the the floor. 'My love, my Little Bear, my beautiful boy.'

Jongho squirmed out of his grasp and was on his knees, bowing profusely, mumbling apologies nonstop. Yunho was shocked, confused. And then he noticed the blade on the floor, kicked in the corner. He finally understand the itch on his forearm. It had been in the same place Jongho's bandages now were.

'Oh my sweet Little Bear.' He breathed and forced Jongho back into his arms. "Stop apologizing. It's not your fault, none of this- - you're not wanting this,' Yunho tried to comfort.

'B-but Hyung, what if I do w-want it? It, it is m-my fault-t because I know it's wrong, I know th-that,' he sobbed. 'But I still chose to do w-wrong. . .' Jongho continued to cry, and Yunho continued to rub his back. 'A-apparently, I d-do want it.'

The younger rolled his eyes, exasperated. 'Because i-if I didn't want to be like- -like this, wouldn't I do s-something to change it? Change m-my behavior? I'm like this because I can't fucking get over myself. Ugh-' he scoffed as the tears fell, 'I'm so selfish.'

Yunho didn't know much except that now was most definitely not the time to talk about it. Now was time to breathe, to stop the anxiety they both felt. So the older lifted Jongho up like he had during the move all those years ago, still whispering love in his ear, and carried him to bed.

After more tears, cuddled together, they were silent for a long while. Jongho stayed still, fearing to move, as Yunho played with his hair.

Twirling the black locks in his fingers, and flattening them back down, Yunho ran his fingers through the hair and felt oil.

'Jongho-ah,' his voice soft, 'when did you last take a shower?'

Jongho flinched at the question and Yunho could see his discomfort. But he just laughed a little, 'It's okay,' he kissed the boy's lips, but he didn't kiss back. Now Yunho flinched, but his Soul saw and immediately tried to console him.

Jongho leaned in to kiss the older but Yunho pushed him back. 'You don't need to kiss me, Jongho. . .'

'No Hyung, I want to kiss you.' his eyes pleading. 'But don't know why you still would want to kiss me.'

Yunho quickly backhanded him before thinking, but of course regretted that a momentafter. 'Jongho, I love you. Please don't think so lowly of yourself.'

The younger was quiet again for a moment. 'To answer your last question,' he mumbled, flushed, 'it's been a few days. . .'

'That's okay, love, let's take a shower.' Yunho led his Soul into the bathroom and stripped him carefully, himself next. He tightened the bandages on Jongho's arm and they entered the stream of water.

At first, they just stilled as the room began to steam. Now swaying under the the water, Yunho held the other, his Other, and caressing him, he began to sing. . .

'Maybe I'm still too young,' Yunho's voice was soft and deep. 'Hover the black night sky, impatience made a turbulence and it distorted us.
It's falling, waterfall;' He continued the notes.
'Endless free fall. . .'

Yunho's voice rang out as he washed Jongho, as they dried off, and continued as the taller re-dressed his wounds.

He sang until until he slept. But in his arms, Jongho laid awake, trying to quiet his mind, trying to stop torturing himself, trying to stop regretting: and failing.

***

A/N: 1-8-22 I actually cried when Yeo called Jongho 'Uncle'

1-12-22 added 100 words during edit lol. Ugh the skin bond, to feel smth like that 😭😭

We're #2 in #americano 😎

JONGHO SMILE APPRECIATION ⬇️

Bc we need smth fun, here's a photo I found from when Yeo brought Woo over to the dorm to meet Hwa and Joong ⬇️

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