Ordinarily, I do my best to only post vents through art, and even then I limit them as best I can.

Fuck it.

I've decided I'm going to vent about a very small part of my problems. Seriously, my issues and problems and all that are tiny and insignificant as it is, but even by my standards this shouldn't deserve such a reaction,, yet I think this will be better, because I'm really talkative when it comes down to it and if I go into everything,, well a: I'm too scared but also b: it'll take ages.

Today was,, a day. Ha. Ahahhahahahhaha a culmination of all the parts of my lifestyle I know I need to correct but can't figure out how that is.

Some smaller bits and pieces that got added on to the main thing were acting even more oblivious and dumb than usual, having a bunch of assignments and a big test to study for and then wasting the time conserved for art by having a massive art block out of nowhere, destroying any remaining motivation by checking wp and seeing I had,, zero comments,, which I shouldn't make a big deal about but damn it kinda hurt a little? It shouldn't it really shouldn't. I'm being so petty, I'm lucky any of you look at my shit in the first place, it's just that I sacrifice my time and sleep to both draw and post my art and it would take much less time if I didn't post it, so seeing such a blank reaction makes me wonder why I post at all. But again, I'm overreacting. I should be grateful I get comments ever because that's more than I deserve anyway and it was one, fucking, post. Okay well more like all but still.

The other thing,, so ah,, there's this person in my math class and I wouldn't call it a crush because from everything I know that's impossible but,, god there was something there. And,, well, I found out that person is not single in the slightest. I can't tell anyone except people online.

But the big thing is,, my friends are having petty drama. It's so, fucking, stupid. Literally one of them just texted our gc 'we're better than this we're not in sixth grade' so I hope maybe it's blowing over but we still have to get to the bottom of the issue.

I keep trying to go into the actual fighting but,, yknow what? I'm tired of thinking about it. I need to focus on my work, which is why I'm getting this out.

[Mochi is my new name for Feist]

Groupchat's going. Eventually I can't keep my eyes off it because oh god, they're talking about her again. Oh god, they're pissed at her. Oh god, I know she's pissed at them because of earlier, but mainly she thinks they're mad at her for no reason.

I've heard both sides. Queenie and Diadem both vented to me about their fights, Best Bi told me the details from that side's perspective and then not twenty minutes later Mochi tells me her perspective. Both of them have such valid points. Neither of them know about some of the stuff the other believes or has been justified in doing, reasons, secrets, god. It's so silly, why am I so fucking worked up?

Why did my screaming go external as well as internal?

I've mediated the whole thing. I want to mediate everything. But it gets to me. If I can't handle this, how will I ever help anyone? How can I mediate and counsel if I can't make eye contact or solve arguments? What the fuck am I supposed to focus on when my art isn't working, my schoolwork has to wait until my dad gets back, my post failed on wp and all my friends are talking about their frustrations with each other behind each other's backs? Because everything else hurts to think about and when I can't distract myself, I'm done for. It's every night all over again.

I got bad.

All this simple stuff and yet I couldn't take it.

My hands were shaking when I typed a quick apology about having to leave the gc and not knowing why, I sent it, dropped the phone and ran into the kitchen. I slammed myself into the wall as hard as I can, jumped over by the table, kneeled down on the floor pounding on my hand and hyperventilated for a bit. I know I scared my poor cats. I don't know why I did any of this, or why it was so sudden and so short. I screamed, I ran to the windowsill and held my head in my hands and screamed some more.

Then I made a weird decision.

I was partly calmed down. Instead of going back to work, I quietly went outside. The sun had only recently gone below the horizon and everything was bathed in a beautiful blue light. I climbed onto the table, looked over the water, sat cross legged and closed my eyes.

I tried to do that mediating thing. I was never good at mindfulness or clearing my thoughts, but I did my best. I know I couldn't have been out there for more than five minutes, and yet,, it felt kinda right. I even told myself not to scold myself for anything or issue any punishments.

Suddenly, I heard a buzzing sound. I wanted to freak and run inside because I automatically assumed it was some sort of angry stinging insect, but something in me told me not to. Maybe it was because mic likes bugs, maybe it was because it was dusk, maybe it was because I need to stop being scared of everything, but I stayed a moment longer. Curiosity got the better of me, though, and I couldn't help but open my eyes.

It was,, a hummingbird.

Your typical brown, dusty, yet somehow perfect desert hummingbird. I don't get to see them much.

Something in me liked that. Something in me decided it was a sign.

I went back in, responded to Empress' messages [which I was so grateful she was nice enough to write!!] and went back to feeling like shit. Oops. Kinda unavoidable.

But that's okay.

I'm sure I'll regret this, but yknow what? Maybe I should stop looking at any lack of interest in my art as further proof I'll never be good enough and start thinking of it as more reason to not give a fuck what I post.

At the end of the day I'm just some cringy fifteen year old that hates still being on such an immature platform but is too scared to move elsewhere. Self awareness won't change that.

I really hurt a lot of the time. I don't know why, I'm so damn well off, and it's probably nothing in comparison so those with real struggles, but I do. Ever since it got real bad, I decided to stop focusing on myself and devote all my time and effort into others.

Because that's what really matters to me.

If you're still here,, thanks for listening. Happy early valentine's day, I may not be loved but I sure have a lot of love for the world and the people in my life.