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'...I can't even die....'

"...son got a hold of you, not sure where you'd end up. He's obsessed with a certain blond icon but Fury is? Was? His director. That bastard would probably hole you up at some black site beyond Eve's reach, and I wouldn't doubt that he would tor...."

'...They'll bring me back....'

"...levels are making me uneasy...."

'...Have I...?'

"...Oh shit shit shitshitshit...."

'...I should....'

"...ky, nothing's going to happen to you. You've got us...."

'...I should...?'

"...I got you, Bu...."

'....I need to go back to – Is that the carpet?!'

Right in my face. A head of dark hair at the edge of my periphery. A warm pressure against my chest.

Scrambling off of her back I was draped over, I barely managed to stop myself from sending a foot at those pale gray eyes when a hand grabbed my leg.

"Hey, hey. I got you. You're safe. Nothing's going to happen. You're uhhh.... Do you want to go for a walk? Ummm... outside?"

"What the hell happened...?" I asked, taking in my surroundings.

The dingy motel room. The peeling green and orange flowered wallpaper. The stained carpet we sat upon.

It's not cold. It's not dark. It's not Hydra.

"No idea. You kind of just... zoned out? And maybe lost all the color in your face.... So I thought I'd take you outside. Maybe it'd ground you a bit? Eve said there's no one around...."

"...Were you...?"

Shuffling on her hands and knees. My body draped over her back.

"Were you trying to carry me outside?"

"Uhhh... y-yes?" she half winced out, as if she knew where this was going.

Stuffing down whatever it was that was clawing up my chest the best I could, I moved to return her back on the bed. Only to freeze midway. So easy to break something already broken.

Those big gray eyes staring up at me. I could see the uncertainty in them. The little bit of panic left over. The drop of sweat on her forehead. I could only hope it was due to exertion, but pain had to be a factor.

She shouldn't even be using her right hand. But it reached out to me, along with the other. Even weaving her fingers with the metal ones. A comforting smile, pulling at her lips.

"You're not going to hurt me, Bucky," Valeriy insisted. Confidence so clear in her voice. So very sure.

But I still found myself pulling away. Those fingers too easy to crush. Only a little misuse of strength. One wrong twitch from me.

"Bucky...?"

"You shouldn't be on your legs with that ankle. You shouldn't be crawling around on that hand," I told her, deciding to lift her off the floor with two hands on her hips would be least painful. "Least of all trying to carry me with those ribs.... They're covered in hairline fractures. Your bones look like they've got spider webs on them...."

Valeriy shrugged as I set her on the bed. "To be expected. Broke a bunch of bones a bunch of times."

Again, I found myself unsure if I wanted to know why.

Was it abuse? Was it from the kidnappings? Was it from some sort of experiment?

I didn't like any of the scenarios that drifted through my head.

But the smile she sported made even less sense. "Was a super dumb kid?"

As if that explained everything.

"I fell, a lot. From really high places. Apparently, humans aren't built like cats? Nor like crash test robos.... And it's probably not recommended to be running around labs with all the heavy equipment. Oh! And there's this horse, Tinkerbell. He kind of... trampled on me once... or twice."

"Multiplied by two, which is to be expected when chaining up a wild stallion."

Valeriy's hands popped up in a loose gesture of surrender. "Wasn't my idea. Just had to deal with the mess of it.... And my own big ass load of dumbass things. Was a super dumb kid."

"Decisions. I believe the word you're looking for is bad decisions. You made more dumb ones than smart ones. There's only so much I can do when those casts allow you to make decisions like hopping back on another motorcycle a day after you break your bones on a tree only to crash into a tree right next to the first one!"

"...Y-you..." was all I could manage.

"Uhhh... there's a lot of trees on that mountain...?" was her defense.

'...My head hurts.'

She's as much a danger to herself as anybody else.

"If it helps, I didn't plan to crash on either of those days, though I did prepare for one. But yeah, these metal thingies kind of lets me get away with a lot of stupid shit," said while wiggling those broken fingers with a smile twisted by a wince.

"Damn it, use your vocabulary. Casts. They are electronic assisted casts. Hair thin needles push and keep the bones in place. Electric stimulation to stimulate healing processes and reduce pain. They are not merely 'thingies,' you dumbass."

"...." Valeriy stared at the phone. Face empty of emotion. Two seconds in, she shrugged and slipped back into her carefree façade. "Anywho, Gramps made these thingies so we don't grow up with stupidly messed up bone structures with how often we broke stuff... probably. Good save for fancy ass parties where we have to look per –"

"Your grandfather..." I interrupted. "...I have...?"

There was something there. There had to be with the way her posture shifted back the slightest. Three millimeters.

"...There's a history there," I stated.

She tensed up completely. Then a heavy sigh passed between us. She held up a finger and grabbed her phone. Squinting at the screen. A frown on her lips.

"The fuck did the day go? Don't tell me I slept an entire day. Shit."

Her eyes glancing back to the pile of boxes. Her fingers typing rapidly across the screen.

"Val, you don't have time for this nonsense."

"You're the one who made this bed, lie in it," spoken with such irritation that my stomach twisted. "I am. So don't make me mute you as well."

She lifted the bottom of the phone to her lips. Clearing her throat.

"This is Valeriy Ayers. Confirmation through D.N.A. and voice."

"Don't do anything you'll regret. You have until six A.M. to get everything ready."

"I blew out her ears in this room. Rather not have her interrupting with her... narrative."

The phone slipped from between her fingers, bouncing onto the bed. Her other hand ran through her hair. Ripping right through the strands that got caught between the metal joints of the cast. Clearly irritated.

"She didn't tell me anything," I pointed out. "I found out on my own."

"Yes, but she's been the one shifting and filtering information. Especially if it took you this long to ask.... I didn't put her up to it. Just assumed you weren't looking into it. Eve... did it mostly out of protection for me... I think?"

"She believes I'd react badly... and hurt you."

"Or that you'd book it far too early for her liking? I highly doubt you'd actually hurt me."

And that's when it hit me.

"...She no longer believes you're safe around me."

"Ehhh, it's coming off like she has other plans for you. Ones I'm not involved in. That'd be my guess going off her line of actions and the timing of them.... But all things considered, pretty sure I'm still safest with you around."

"I'm not him. I'm not that he –"

"Shit. I hope I haven't made you feel like you had to be..." Her head dropping into her hands. "Absolutely suffocating pretending to be someone you're not. Been trying to avoid comparing you with the stories I grew up with. I know they're likely exaggerated. That they'll never be the whole picture...."

"...Why didn't you tell me?"

"I had no idea how to tell you," her voice so small. "Still don't.... I knew I was digging myself into a deeper hole the more time passed. Dreaded the day you'd ask. I'm terrified that this will blow up in my face.... You're my frie –"

"You know more about me than I do, don't you?" I pressed. "Was everything a lie?"

The words tumbling out of my mouth. A bitter taste left in their wake. My gut churning at the physical flinch to her small frame. Tears lining the edge of those distraught eyes.

"I have no idea if I know more about you than you do... and I don't want to make you feel like you had to live up to some past image. I need to be better about that.... I can admit to omitting parts and things you don't directly ask about, and I always will. But not to hurt you. Not intentionally. There are things I can't speak of. But I haven't lied to y –"

"The kidnapping's a lie. The one when you were eight. All the news reports said that you wandered off on your own."

"Damn it, Eve!" she cursed. About ready to pull out her hair. "People can't find those reports online anymore. We even destroyed most of the physical copies.

"I... I was forced into lying to the police and media. A kidnapping would look far worse on the family than a careless mistake on my part and the part of those watching over me. They were my... my friends, my bodyguards. Executed for be-being in the way.... They weren't even conscious after the crash. Everything was covered up. I doubt there is even a record of anything."

Her words spoken monotonously until they would waver and break.

"I don't know if Eve let you see the pictures but getting lost in the city doesn't involve being found with an ear half dangling. I may or may not have been holding my ear.... I remember being really scared that it'd fall off and I'd get in trouble for losing my ear. I.... You saw the scar. It's one of the only things left Eve can't completely erase. People's memories are a tad out of her realm of control."

A huff blew out her nose. Her eyes fell shut. With each ticking second, her shoulders sagged more and more.

"...You don't have to believe me. I won't make you stay either. But stay long enough for us to get you across the border. SHIELD would be watching everything in and out of the states. Hydra's probably has a similar playbook and more resources from the looks of it? Moving people unnoticed is something we've gotten extremely good at. So let me at least do that."

I couldn't help but look away. Towards the door. To the light between the blinds of a car passing by. Unable to wrap my head around as to what her agenda could be.

What were her motives for keeping away me from Hydra?

What could she gain from that?

"You're my friend, Bucky. You were my friend before I knew you were Bucky Barnes or the Winter Soldier. No way in hell could I recognize you under all the clothing and that beard.... You're my friend since the days we sat on a bench eating sandwiches...."

All I saw was her back walking away. I couldn't reach out in time. Not before the door fell shut. A click of the lock separating us. Running water muffled a choked sob.

Left in the middle of the room, I settled back on the chair. Unable to clear that broken voice from my mind. Feeling what's left of whatever it was that we had crumble at my own fingertips.

Bits and pieces that couldn't fit back together again.

The door out was only a mere three steps away from me.

I wanted to run. Run away from everything. From all this.

I wanted to punch something. Feel it collapse. Cave in. Break.

I wanted to scream. Yell out everything festering inside. Rotting away at my sanity.

But I couldn't bring myself to move. Hoping that maybe... somehow... that this wasn't the end.

Needing something to do, I plucked my notebook off the night table. Flipping through pages and pages of Cyrillic text. Little bits of English managing to show through once in a while. I took pen to paper.

Curious gray eyes stared up at me.

Barbeque sauce and coleslaw ghosted over my tongue.

Happy laughter rung at my ears.

Freshly baked cookies filled my nose.

Gentle fingers combed through my hair.

"Friends...."

Looking back on it all... she had my six....

Had it when she should have run. Had it when she didn't have to.... Had it when she could have died....

'She should have run.'

My muscles jumped at the turn of the bathroom lock. Steam rolling into the room as Valeriy silently limped her way to the boxes. Fingers picking at the tape of one of the medium sized boxes. Her hair still dripping with water.

Her back faced me. Purposefully moved so she wouldn't have to see anything that wasn't the corner or the boxes. Nothing was relaxed about her posture. As if bracing for a physical hit. Every movement so controlled compared to how she usually was.

The sound of tape tearing the cardboard grated on my nerves. Too loud in the suffocating silence between us.

That was until a pained gasp had her doubled over. The boxes barely supporting her, and they were slipping from their neat stack in her attempt to keep upright.

Rushing to her, I wrapped my arm around her waist and carried her to the bed. Hopefully, she'd stay on it this time. She shouldn't be on her feet.

As she curled into a tight ball, hugging those broken ribs, waves rippling on her right arm from contracting muscles. Toes of her left foot likely dancing with the pulses of electricity.

I grabbed the painkillers again, holding them out to her with a bottle of water.

Stubbornly, she shook her head, pushing them away. Curling into a tighter ball. Focusing on slowing her breathing.

"You're in pain," I argued.

A breath of relief escaped me when she took hold of the bottle. That was until she hurled it across the room. It didn't get far with how weak she was. Barely cleared the foot of the bed.

"Val –"

"Just ignore me," she snapped.

But I couldn't.

And at the same time, I couldn't cross the rift between us.

"Slipped my mind, but better late than never is a saying. Val, you have a sliver of bone out of place. It's being moved if you haven't noticed it yet."

"Go fuck yourself, Eve," the young woman gritted out.

"You still have my ears. I heard none of that."

Bloodshot eyes gave me a glance before she forced herself to sit up with a heavy sigh.

"...I'm not taking that. I can't risk going down that fucked up spiral again. I can't trust myself as an addict. Things slip by me and people get hurt in the best case. I can't risk it."

"What did you use to numb your sense of touch last night? Can you use that?"

"That... becomes permanent after some time. I love my sense of touch far too much for that sort of life, and I don't care for dealing with the whole withdrawal thing that comes with painkillers. It's a pain in the ass."

Never once did she make eye contact. Her hair getting caught between the metal joints of her cast again.

I found my hand catching hers. Carefully trying to untangle the strands of hair.

"Umm thanks...?"

Her smile lacking the warmth it once held. A deep breath drew into her lungs.

"...I'm fine, Bucky. Stop fretting. It's not the first time I broke something."

But I couldn't stop. Unable to. Kept on untangling her hair from the metal covered fingers. One less broken thing. Even if it was only a few strands of hair.

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Author's Note:

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