That day of a secondary high school year, I got my seat transferred. 

Of all people in the class he was the only one whom I didn't want to seat beside. The changes in seats were made due to the bad talking behavior in the class of some guys, including this one I'm talking about. He was one of the most talkative students in my class, and I – the complete contrast – a quiet and normal student, was made to sit next to him to prevent him to talk with the other guys during lessons.

But, it wasn't really the truth. I was not that quiet, and it was just my act to be good in front of the homeroom teacher. Beyond expectations, I got along with him quite well. He was a bad boy literally and figuratively, but he knew how to make interesting conversations, so he was popular with both girls and guys. Sounds like some fake main characters from cheap romance stories, but it was true.

So that was it, I became the one he mostly talked to during school hours, and we wanted to keep talking during lessons, too. That was how the story went. 

"B, who are your best friends?"

I passed the piece of note to him, which I teared up from the last page of my notebook.

"In this class? Or outside?"

He replied on the same paper piece.

"In this class. I wouldn't know your friends outside even if you tell."

The piece of paper was out of blank place to write so he took another piece from his note.

"C and D. I also play along with E and F, and many other boys. I'm loved by everyone in this class, you know. But I would say C and D if you ask about best friends."

You arrogant brat, I thought. I wanted to tell him not to include me when he said "everyone", but I held it back. I didn't think much about why. At that moment, I just thought that I didn't want to make a big deal about such things.

-----------------

We continued to pass the paper pieces every school days. He still hanged out with his buddies normally, but during classes, I was the only one who he could talk to. Somehow, it gave me the impression like we were doing something secretly. Well it was indeed secret, at least to the teachers who still thought that I was quiet. I didn't play games, so we couldn't chat about that. I liked reading, but he didn't, so not that either. We sometime talked about music, but this didn't last long since our favorite types were different. As a result, our topic came to "love" after a long period of silence and he couldn't stay still (one class period was considered long for us at that time). Of course, he was the onc who started it, out of nowhere.

"Do you know who the person I love is?"

I answered him, not sure if he was being serious or not.

"You mean in this class?"

He chuckled.

"Of course! That's why I'm asking you..."

I took a look around the silent classroom, identified every possibility.

"Is that G?"

Talk about this G. She was a good friend of mine. We were in a same elementary class, and she was smart and cute and kind and her family was rich so it wouldn't be strange that I started my guessing with her as the first choice.

"Wrong."

He said to the disappointed face of mine, and in the following five minutes I guessed until the final girl's name in the whole class, and he kept saying "wrong".

"Bastard, are you kidding me?"

I pretended to punch him on the face. He also pretended to dodge and replied:"Well, you really want to know?"

I wrote back, unbelievably:

"Of course! There's no single name that I haven't picked! Or are you gonna tell me you swing that way?"

He knocked my head.

"I will tell, but you have to promise me that you won't tell anybody."

"I swear on my honor."

It took him a few seconds.

"It was G."

I looked at him with eyes that could kill. The bastard knew that I wanted to kill him off so he made a "calm down" gesture. I continued to write.

"But why did you say it was wrong?! I guessed it right in the first place!"

"Well sorry dude. I didn't expect you would get it right with only one guess. Man, how could you be so dangerous?"

"...Have you told anybody else?"

"About me liking G? Nope, you're the first. Don't tell anybody or I'll kill you, hehe."

I wanted to yell in his face, but at the same time, I also felt like I'd lost the motivation to continue talking. So I stopped writing, and the final period passed by.

I only managed to forget about that until the next day morning, when B started the conversation. He got an almost new notebook for us to use that I was so surprised, and from that day we didn't have to tear our notebooks, since we had a whole notebook for chat. 

"Tell me something about G?"

"What thing? What do you wanna know?"

"Her hobbies, her favorite things... anything you know."

I began to think. But then I came up with an idea.

"What do I get in return?"

He got a discouraging look on his face, but soon he got his spirit back.

"What do you want me to do?"

Hmm, with each thing I tell you, you gotta buy me something. Anything is fine."

"Deal."

That surprised me. I didn't think he would accept that. What have I got myself into, I wondered. 

-------------------

Since that day, I began to tell B things I knew about G.

"She likes pink color. She likes anime, like 5 cm/s." I got a ruler with this.

"She has a piano at her house and she could play it. Her favorite foods are pork, ice-cream, and strawberry favor candies." I got two shuttlecocks with these.

...

Like that, he gave me small things each time I told him something about G. Though taking things this way didn't feel right, I still felt happy, and I put those things together in one drawer at home. But gradually, I ran out of thing to say. I was worried that he would get bored of talking with me, but I really didn't have anything else to tell him.

"Really, I don't know anything else! I already told you everything I could..."

"Just tell me more ~~" 

He insisted. I sighed. I knew too well how extremely stubborn he was, even if I pretended to be cold I wouldn't have stood a chance to beat his stubbornness. 

"I heard that she likes reading Harry Potter."

"See? Just take time to remember and you will recall something!"

"Yeah. You don't have to give me anything this time, just wait until I can come up with some more things."

But it was because I lied. I was the one who liked to read Harry Potter, not her. With that, I began to turn into a liar. And I also began to know how deep I had sink in my own mess.

I remember that first time I was aware of my heart's skipped beat. He gave me a bracelet.

- Is this for real?

- What?

- You give me this for real?

- Yeah! I got bored of it and I don't know what to do with it so just take it if you want.

He seemed like he didn't care at all, but I was happy. I received a thing from him, and it'd got nothing to do with G. Nothing. I decided not to deny my own feelings anymore. But I also intended to keep it with me till the day I die.

"Hey"

"What? We're writing so write a bit long so that I could read at once."

"Do you think I should confess?"

My heart skipped. Again. 

"I don't know. Whatever you like."

"Aww, but what if she rejects me? Will you help me? Will you? Will you?"

I let out a small sigh, enough for only me to know.

"Yeah."

What else could I do?

---------------

He did it for real. Confession. With things like every other normal guys could come up, gifts, presents, letters... Whatever. When he asked me to help him to pass the gifts to her, suddenly I felt like vomiting. I can't remember how I managed to give those to her, but I remember clearly that the day after, I gave him back the bracelet he gave me.

"You got bored of it too? Already?"

"Yeah".Don't take it back. Tell me, tell me not to give it back to you.

"Oh, guess that's it."

He took it back, and threw it into his desk drawer like some invaluable thing. Yeah, that was it. He got rejected, of course. G was a clever girl, she didn't want to get involve with someone like B, she didn't like B and he also didn't make a big effort either. It was close to the end of the school year, and we didn't really write anymore until summer holiday, except only one time.

"My family is planning to send me to learn abroad. What do you think?"

"Is my thought even important to you?" was the thing I told him inside my mind. 

"Do you want to go?" I asked.

"I don't know. You already know that I'm a goner, and my family are afraid that I will get worse if I still hang out with my friends here. So they want to get me isolated, kinda like that. But shit, I don't wanna go. I'm missing my friends here already. But if they really want me to go, then it's not like I could go against it."

I sighed and told him honestly:

"I don't know either. I agree with them that you shouldn't play around, and I also know that it will be hard for you to change if you keep staying here. Can you try to get better somehow?"

He didn't write back after a while. Finally he passed me the notebook. It was already full with chatting texts. 

"Do you want me to go?"

 ---------------------

A day after the closing ceremony, he called me to my home phone. 

- Tell me something about G?

I didn't know what to say. I didn't even feel mad with him, everything I felt was just a strange sadness.

- I'm out of thing to say, didn't I tell you? I can't tell you something I don't know just because you want me to.I was surprised when I heard myself talking so gently. 

- Just talk about anything, I wanna hear...

He sounded like a spoiled kid, and I didn't know if I felt it wrong or not, but his voice was sad to me.

- Okay, let me think a little...

Suddenly my grandmother called me, so I hurriedly told him:

- I'm sorry, can you call me back later? My grandma is calling me...

- Okay.

I hanged up first. I told him to call me because I forgot to ask his home phone number when we were still in the school year, and I was in a rush so I told him to call me instead of asking the number. But he didn't call back. And I didn't wait for him for the whole holiday. He didn't show up at the next opening ceremony, and I didn't have to ask my classmates to know why. I fought against my urge to cry. But at least I told him that day, when he asked me if I wanted him to go. Not by my pen, but my mouth.

- No, I don't.

--------------------------------------------------------------

At the beginning, I didn't want to get close to him, and even after so many years, I still believe that it would be better if we didn't get close to each other. Because from the moment I first saw him, I was afraid that I would fall in love with him.

"You're so close and merely a breath away, yet our time together are spent only as friends. But it's beyond my control. I always wonder how you feel deep inside. I love you so much, but I've never told you so. I keep secret what is inside my heart. I am just grateful to being this happy. Do you even feel the same? Have you ever noticed me? What is this thing going on between us? Do you have feelings for me? It's something that I would like to know. It lingers in my heart, but I don't wanna ask. I'm afraid you'll change. I'm better off not inquiring. Because I know if I were to ask, I'm afraid your words might break my heart."

~ "I want to know, but I don't want to ask" ~ by Calories Blah Blah