God. This week has been the worst, from getting the news that our grandfather is evicting us to potentially being homeless for awhile has made me feel awful when supposedly we're supposed to be all for school spirit.

I just can't stay happy. This is all crumbling down and the thought of being on the streets isn't pleasing to say the least.

Instead of focus on that, I wanna focus on my deeper melancholy about something coming up in 2 weeks, my bday.

I have never had good memories assosiated with my bday, from my step sister calling the police on my tenth to feelings of melancholy that surround from fourteen to up.

And now, on my 17th bday, I'll experience what it's like to be homeless.

I'm not looking forward to it, from living in a poverty family, I had to grow up fast and looking at every one of my friends who have stable homelives and probably the grandest of childhoods. I wish I wasn't casted into adult situations at the mere age of ten.

I wished things were different. That I was immature and "cool" like the rest of the people my grade; however, I can't help but think cynical and be prepared to just keep going the adult path that I was already set up for.

I remember being excited on my 16th bday, telling myself that things would be different, things would change. I'd try stepping out of my comfort zone by joining the drama club (only to be fucking cut-) and by making new friends; however, people avoid me like the plague.

I wish things were different. I wish I was excited to me 17; however, people already say I am maturer than most adults that brings melancholy within my soul.

Maybe 17 will be different? Maybe we will have an affordable house? However, I don't know if I am able to carry that much optimistsm.

I think this statement reflects me perfectly, " you have to leech off of other people's happiness to feel something "

From someone who can't understand why my mood swings like it does, why my life is a walking shit burrito, I completely agree. However, I wish 17 could change how I feel about the world rn instead of having the third mental break down this week