Hello! I seriously doubt anyone from my old circle will see this since it's been over 6 years, but this is more for my own bittersweet teenage nostalgia and to come to terms with things. It's incredibly bizarre to witness your own teen angst laid out like this- but by god is it pretty hilarious. I'd been trying to gain access back into this account for god knows how long, I curse teenage me's atrocious password management. I really wanted to gather up my old digital art to see how much I've improved over the years- and hurrah I've finally cracked the safe!

I'm Liliidori, although I obviously don't go by this anymore, now I'm just plain old Lily. I am now twenty one years old (twenty two in may); which I never thought I'd reach to be honest considering my track record. I struggled a lot with mental illness back in my teens, I grew increasingly agoraphobic and was put on antidepressants to cope with my anxiety and depressive episodes. I was diagnosed with autism when I was sixteen which really helped me realise why I was the way that I was. I struggled with it a lot though, I still don't have many friends since the upkeep is too difficult and I find it incredibly hard to understand others.

Looking back I definitely wasn't a good person though. Looking over my messages and comments I made makes my sick to my stomach, how could I say the most horrendous shit to other teenagers? Not to mention the blatant fetishisation of queer men that becomes mortifyingly apparent when glancing at ocs I appear to have had. I know apologising probably might seem odd since it's been so many years, but it hurts to witness the vitriol I spewed on other teens and the propaganda I regurgitated- which was not intentional but still hurt people nonetheless. I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said back when I was a teen, I can only hope it didn't cause any permanent harm to any other developing minds. I was not in a good place when I was active on here, I'd started to show very clear symptoms of mental illness both online and in my real life. Now it's much easier to see that but at the time I was just a awkward lonely kid who had no friends in the real world and was sucked into a horrible mindset.

I studied art and design at college like I had always wanted to, it was fun but pretty tough at times- the workload is incredible and you do way more writing than art. I ended up dropping out though since I'd become overwhelmed by it all, returning to my old ways of isolation, suicidal ideation and self harm. Now I spend most- if not all- of my time in my room or at home. I still draw, not as much as I did back then since it's exhausting to put so much effort into something that no one cares about but yourself. But that something I need to work on. I do commissions every now and then, usually based around the many things I get fixated on. It's not really a career but it's something to do.

My art style has changed drastically, I started to use reference images and study anatomy as I got older. College definitely helped me develop my own style. Here's some examples of work from the past couple years for those curious;

I suppose this is less of an update and more of a love letter to my past self, that things change- not always for the good or bad but more of a weird mix. There are great highs and heart wrenching lows over the years, but after it all you are still you. I don't look the same since I cut my hair like I always wanted to and I finally got my ears pierced and wear dangly ugly earrings, and I don't dress the same since now I finally wear what I want to which mainly consists of big second hand jumpers and corduroys. The scars on my body whether mental or physical don't hurt the same as they used to- no longer a symbol of hopelessness, now a reminder that it gets better no matter how long you have to wait.

Thanks for the good, bad and the ugly wattpad. I'm eternally grateful I grew up here instead of amino lol