ok so

if ya don't like rants, don't read this

i'm not trying to be an attention whore or something but please just

don't think i'm doing this for attention (:

I pre-write my rants because I never think i'm going to upload them (I write them the day something happens)

so here we go [:

November, 1, 2018

Heya, kids

Right now or today actually was a REALLY bad day. I have this book report thing and I chose to do a book called "Girl Mans Up" and my mom found out what it was about. Basically a person who is trans and likes girls. She then proceeded to give me a lecture about being gay and blah blah. After, she told me that i could talk to her about anything and she wouldn't push me away or say something bad. But i doubt that, because i'm gay and she doesn't like gays. Sobs. it was a really long lecture and it pissed me off. Now, I feel super weird. She kept telling me that people like that are going to go to hell, and i'm scared. I shouldn't be, words shouldn't hurt more than punches or physical attacks.

She said that people who are like "that" are not born like that. Books like these are supposedly going to corrupt my brain. She started crying because she thought I was going to "turn" gay. I said I wasn't going to turn gay because, I already am?? And plus, you can't turn gay, that makes no sense. Also, she doesn't understand the concept of gender and what not. She said that there are only two genders and that god created Adam and Eve. she's basically those "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" people. And that hit me really hard because I feel like i'm non-binary, but i'm not really sure what identify as?? So yeAH.

Also, at lunch, my friend got really mad at me and now I feel really weird and down? Basically sad and depressed. Like I was happy, really happy on Tuesday and Wednesday. But then she goes and tells me that I ditched her and that it was one of my friends last day at school (she was going to a different country for a while. Just thought I'd clear that up (:) . I know that I screwed up, but I didn't want to go down like that, because i'm hella stubborn. I feel like most of my friends in real life don't really like me. I feel really clingy at times and I distance myself. Then, they get mad at me, they say that I ditched them or something and it pisses me off.

My mother even hates saying "those words". She hates saying lesbian and gay. Apparently those terms can be toxic and such and it really bothers/disgusts me that my own Mom would think that. I mean, she doesn't know that i'm homosexual, but she really has a hate for it. I don't like living here. In this house. With these people.

I'm a really indecisive person, so when I ask a person for their opinion and I keep switching my thoughts, I feel like i'm annoying them. And if I EVER, and I mean EVER am clingy, just tell me. I never have anyone to talk to except for people on Wattpad, because i'm not out to anyone irl. And if I rant about my problems at home, they're going to tell someone and gossip is gossip. It's going to spread and end up at the office or something and i'm not ready for that shit

Honestly, High school brings out the worst in me. I used to be so optimistic in middle school. I was basically a ray of sunshine. Now, i'm all sad and down. I literally need coffee in order not to sleep in class, and it's not healthy, I know. I know my friends don't need me. I started hanging out with people who don't judge me for my opinions and aren't homophobic. They don't hate me for what i say, don't hate me for my voice, my laugh, my sense of humour.

Anywho, please don't think i'm an attention whore. I swear i don't want/need attention. I just needed to get this out of my chest. Keeping in all of my feelings gives me headaches and it isn't healthy anyways.

Hopefully, life isn't as bad for you (:

-Yours, Lavvie ♡