Hoiiii, everyone! It's been forever. I've been coming into to WP sometimes but idk how other people manage to balance WP and their studies. You guys make me procrastinate even more than I usually do lol xD This is not an insult oOF—

I'm not entirely "art-dead", but next year, I will be taking a language course and a medical elective that takes up two periods, so there's no space for art unfortunately. But I think I will still be able to doodle here and there...

Kinda weird how fast time passes, I'll be a Junior (third year high school) and many of you are entering college or uni, kinda makes me feel sentimental. And despite my absence and these online masks, I feel that you all are more "real" than any people I know irl besides my family, and I just want to let you all know that I'm so thankful and happy to meeting you all and having befriended you guys.

If you don't want to read Bomber Baggage, please don't read beyond this point LOL.

I don't want to burden anyone with this, but I need an outlet because I'm weathered down from bottling it in.

But sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong, y'know...? Why do people backstab me when all I've done was try to be as the best friend I could be? Because I'm really hoping, that if I keep trying my best, someone will stick their neck out for me the same way I'm doing for them. Because what comes around goes around...the bad and the good...so why...? I've treated them like family and gave them my help when they needed I never said no even if it cost me sleep, but when I really needed their support they just leave me. How can someone do that? Is it because when I have nothing to offer...I'm useless?

I've had a friend whom I'd known from elementary school. Even if we hadn't talked much in middle school, we'd reconnected in high school through mutual friends. Us six created a team for competition. How fun it was, we joked around and made witty quips. The occasional KPOP or anime joke, the type of conversations I couldn't have had with anyone else, the feeling of belonging I'd longed for, something different from the support of my family, and it shattered. This third betrayal, I'm afraid to open up. My parents tell me I have too much walls but can you blame me? Because I want to honestly tell them both that if they'd been betrayed by at least 10 people since elementary school, would you really want to give friendship another chance?

But they they do anyway.

I've talked to his mother before, we were on good terms. But she'd told my mom that they, all those five who've I've known all year and came from the same middle school, voted me out. The two friends I'd been with elementary school, the two I'd thought would never abandon me, the two I'd always support and help.

They left me in the dirt.

My mother was furious, a small part of me is happy that someone is angry for my sake. But inside I just felt...I don't really know, like that deja vu feeling of something going terribly wrong, that nauseous feeling that sits in your stomach, the one that makes you want to vomit.

I can't bring myself to talk to them willingly. Third time, third time, I thought that the third friend group irl I had would be the charm, y'know? But they just stomped on me, all five of them with their cowardice.

They didn't even tell me. They couldn't; they had an AP tell me instead. "You're not on the team anymore."

My mother patronized me for crying. She called me weak. And I am, because if I wasn't weak I wouldn't have felt terrible. It was only a few minutes, our meeting. Last period, but I opted to go back to Chemistry to take the quiz. It was Friday, and the AP was trying to be considerate. But the sad part, I'd already expected it to happen.

But it still felt like someone punched me in the stomach.

Whenever I see them in the hallway, I just want to disappear. I feel ashamed but I don't know why. Probably because they spread rumors about me behind my back. Glorious, wonderful people, don't you think? They don't have the guts to tell me face to face, but they also lie and deceive everyone else.

This wasn't any difference from middle or elementary school. What's it like to be blocked by three people you thought were friends, shoved a paper of all your imperfections (you get good grades too much, you can't run to save your life, YOUR BACK IS CROOKED), talked about behind your back, and then blamed for something you didn't do?

You tell me but it's not the greatest things to experience when you're younger. It certainly screams that you're not going to get trust issues :))))))

Just add that to racial bullying and it's like the sweetest sundae you'll eat in a while. AWESOME.

But despite all of this, I'm cheerful to the point I'm not sure if it's real...? I'm not sure if my interests are my own or if my dreams are my own at this point :/ Is this an existential crisis? Idk this is a pretty long rant sorry guys been bottling this up for a year now not to mention WHAP drives me insane with those essays lIEK I HATE YOU DBQs AND LEQs

Anyways that's the end of Bomber's Baggage. Come back next time xD

P.S. a small part of me wants to chuck them out of the window 😂

P.P.S. Don't worry about me guysss, I just can't rant about this sort of crap to anyone else so I hope you guys don't feel angry at me for venting here ;;-;;