FYI, whenever I say 'you' in this, I'm referring to my best friend, not you guys.

I met you in third grade because our moms had talked to each other on the phone. Which was the first and only time I had wanted my parents to meddle in my friendships.

I was the new kid in school. I had moved from the Bay Area 2 years ago and I was really shy. Actually, that's an understatement. I was one of the shyest people known to mankind.

And yet, you made friends with me on the first day. When I saw you, I immediately noticed your extremely messy poofy black hair and amber eyes. I noticed your contagious smile. And I noticed that unlike everyone else, you were actually nice to me. Who knew that most third graders could be such jerks?

Anyway, we immediately became friends. And later, during quarantine, we became best friends, because being separated made us realize how much we wanted to be together.

And then middle school started.

And it all went downhill from there.

Not our friendship of course, but in seventh grade I had discovered a shocking revelation: I was queer. 

And in eighth grade, I had discovered something even more shocking: I had a crush on you.

And honestly? How could I not? You are easily the most perfect person I have ever met. You're pretty, you're smart, have amazing grades and a bajillion friends, and everybody likes you.

Which unfortunately, caused me to also become jealous of you. You had everything that I didn't. Parents that spoiled you rotten (YOU GOT AN IPAD AT THREE YEARS OLD!!), a healthy home and family life, athleticism, popularity, and way more.

But me?

I was the queer autistic fat Indian only child who barely had a relationship with their parents and had to resort to online friends to make me feel happy.

And not to mention the fact that I'm non-binary. Which you don't. Even. UNDERSTAND.

You say that you get it. You say that you support me. And yet you purposefully use she/her pronouns for me! I mean I know that you're a typical cis-het Indian girl, but my lord, would you at least use proper pronoun usage?!

Anyways, back to the crush thing. It lasted until around the end of eighth grade. And you know why it stopped? Because out of the blue, during lunch, you know what you asked me?

"If you were a lesbian, which person in our friend group would you date?"

I'm sorry, WHAT THE FUCK? This was the absolute worst time to ask me this! As someone who was questioning their sexuality at the time, I was PISSED. But I was also a smooth liar, so I only said you because you were the closest to my personality type. 

And then you said that you would only see me as your best friend in that situation.

Translation: I just got friend-zoned.

So I sulked, got over it, and then high school started.

And this is when I hit rock bottom.

You see, for the second year in a row, our friend group was hosting a Secret Santa party in December. It's pretty straightforward. We pick a name from a hat. We buy them a gift without telling them. And we open it.

Little did I know that this party would include my friends asking each other a question that literally almost killed me.

"Who was your most recent crush?"

Luckily for me, I wasn't the only queer kid in the group, and there was one girl (let's call her V) who also liked girls. But that wasn't what I was worried about.

I was worried about the fact that I was about to tell my best friend since third grade that I used to have a crush on her.

Had to cut this chapter off because it would get too long, but it's continuing. Yay! More venting!