I never considered myself an organized person
However recently, I never realized how many plans I had for the future

I'm not graduating at the school I thought
My first best friend won't be sitting next to me
As we throw our caps into the sky
My first cat won't be sitting on his pillow waiting for me at home
Every day I become more like my older brother
There's nothing wrong with that
I love him more than anyone knows and we're closer than ever
His life isn't what I want for mine

I don't want to cross the stage alone
I don't want to sit in a crowd alone
I don't want to go home to an empty house
Full of ghosts I've grown up with
I don't want an era to end in an unfamiliar place
I don't want to think about college without friends
I've know for at least two years

My brother's first high school mascot was a buffalo
Or a bison, probably a bison
He passed on a hoodie from his freshman year to me
The lining of the hoodie is rough, thin, and flat
Like the fur of a well loved stuffed animal from my early childhood
Wearing his blue and yellow bison hoodie makes me feel closer to him
Because at one point he was in the same position
Laying in bed, with the blue bison hoodie, realizing how utterly upside down his plans are
And how lonely he must feel
No matter how many friends he had on the tennis team

No amount of cookie dough and Gwen Stefani could make me feel better
So I'll lay in bed with my well loved, worn, and matted blue and yellow bison hoodie
Watching movies from my youth while reminiscing over distant memories and friends
And wait to see what happens next